seeking_help485
New member
Hi, first time poster. Never expected to be in this situation or posting here, but here I am. I (24M) am in a complicated and messy situation with my wife and long-term partner (24) of 8 years, along with my brother (33) and his wife, my SIL (32) of 15 years.
My wife and I have been together since high school. We were each other's firsts for everything. We have lived together for the last two years. We are legally married. (We have always planned to be, thought we might as well get the tax benefits now.) We have always had a wonderful, long-lasting relationship. We are very compatible and both see each other as our forever persons. I have always trusted her so much.
My brother and his wife are the same: together since high school, have been together a long time, also seeing each other as their forever persons. The four of us have had a close relationship for the last 3ish years, going on trips and hanging out. We saw each other as close friends.
This is when things get complicated. I always trusted my brother and never thought anything of him and my wife spending time together. I always viewed it as "family bonding." Turns out as they spent time together, they had fallen in love. They both didn't want to lose each other because of the close relationship they had and that we all had.
When they realized they had fallen in love, my SIL had found out almost immediately. However, I was not told until 3 months later, because they were worried about my reaction to them wanting to try polyamory.
During this time, I had felt weird feelings towards their interactions over the phone and in text, as well as in person. It turns out that they could not keep themselves away from each other when in person. In the last month before I found out, elements of infidelity were present: kissing, groping over clothes, orgasms, etc. I did not want to know the details, as I have done a lot of work to move on from this.
When I was finally told of what had happened and what they wanted, I went into one of the darkest periods of my life. It felt like my world had com crashing down.
Neither my SIL nor I ever wanted polyamory, and were happily monogamous, respectively. My wife has told me herself that she never was interested in it until this happened. But it sounded like my SIL was willing to try it to save her relationship with her husband (my brother).
My wife wanted me to try, as well. It took me months to heal from the cheating. Now I am trying to work through whether this relationship structure, and this relationship in general, will work for me. I have been in couples and individual therapy for help during this process. I have gone no contact with my brother and SIL.
For most of this time, my wife had told me that if I asked her to end the relationship, she would, but it would devastate her. She said she would always choose me, but it would mean a lot to her if I tried to make it work. I believed her and did a lot of work.
They had retained communication while I was still recovering from the cheating, but after 4 months, I told her she could try visiting and I would see how that felt, with various parameters, like no sexual intimacy. Spoiler: it felt incredibly painful and difficult, regardless. We worked on connecting after, working out more kinks, but I felt like I couldn't do it anymore. I told her I felt like I was reaching the end of my rope.
However, her feelings towards everything seemed like they'd changed. She had also been doing individual and couples therapy. She felt like the more work she did, the more polyamory made sense to her, and the more she was interested in pursuing this other relationship and making it work, even without me.
She did not feel like she could confidently give me an answer as to what she would do anymore, as far as trying monogamy with me again, or not. This was pretty difficult for me to hear. It felt like she had gone back on her word. But she said she meant it at the time and her feelings had changed. Knowing how much she wanted this, and how hard this would be for her, gave me a second wind to keep trying, to work on shifting my mindset, rather than just enduring it and seeing if I coulf handle it.
However, lately, the more we talk about things, the more it feels like to her, there is no going back to mono. She says she's not sure, but "I don't know" feels like a scary response. To me, it almost feels like I need to make polyamory work for the sake of our relationship to continue. I asked her if she would try monogamy if I felt like I can't do this anymore, after continuing to try, and she doesn't know.
Our couple's therapist says that we should try our best to navigate the unknown, but it feels so hard.
I know she wants me in her life, to stay her forever partner, but I can't tell if she would still want that if I come to the conclusion that I am too unhappy in this relationship dynamic. I am trying to do the brain rewiring to keep this, trying to see if I can be happy. However, I am terrified of what it means if I can't. Neither of us want to leave this relationship.
I love her so much, but I am so scared. She tells me not to get lost in the what if's and future possibilities before it even happens. But the emotions are so strong.
I don't know if this is a cry for help, a vent, or a story I just want to share with the world. I just want her to be happy and I really hope that that happiness includes me. I just don't know what to believe anymore. I know that when opening up you can expect challenges and difficulty, but I can't tell what I am experiencing, and the extent to what I am experiencing, aligns with what is healthy or possible. So yeah, idk.
My wife and I have been together since high school. We were each other's firsts for everything. We have lived together for the last two years. We are legally married. (We have always planned to be, thought we might as well get the tax benefits now.) We have always had a wonderful, long-lasting relationship. We are very compatible and both see each other as our forever persons. I have always trusted her so much.
My brother and his wife are the same: together since high school, have been together a long time, also seeing each other as their forever persons. The four of us have had a close relationship for the last 3ish years, going on trips and hanging out. We saw each other as close friends.
This is when things get complicated. I always trusted my brother and never thought anything of him and my wife spending time together. I always viewed it as "family bonding." Turns out as they spent time together, they had fallen in love. They both didn't want to lose each other because of the close relationship they had and that we all had.
When they realized they had fallen in love, my SIL had found out almost immediately. However, I was not told until 3 months later, because they were worried about my reaction to them wanting to try polyamory.
During this time, I had felt weird feelings towards their interactions over the phone and in text, as well as in person. It turns out that they could not keep themselves away from each other when in person. In the last month before I found out, elements of infidelity were present: kissing, groping over clothes, orgasms, etc. I did not want to know the details, as I have done a lot of work to move on from this.
When I was finally told of what had happened and what they wanted, I went into one of the darkest periods of my life. It felt like my world had com crashing down.
Neither my SIL nor I ever wanted polyamory, and were happily monogamous, respectively. My wife has told me herself that she never was interested in it until this happened. But it sounded like my SIL was willing to try it to save her relationship with her husband (my brother).
My wife wanted me to try, as well. It took me months to heal from the cheating. Now I am trying to work through whether this relationship structure, and this relationship in general, will work for me. I have been in couples and individual therapy for help during this process. I have gone no contact with my brother and SIL.
For most of this time, my wife had told me that if I asked her to end the relationship, she would, but it would devastate her. She said she would always choose me, but it would mean a lot to her if I tried to make it work. I believed her and did a lot of work.
They had retained communication while I was still recovering from the cheating, but after 4 months, I told her she could try visiting and I would see how that felt, with various parameters, like no sexual intimacy. Spoiler: it felt incredibly painful and difficult, regardless. We worked on connecting after, working out more kinks, but I felt like I couldn't do it anymore. I told her I felt like I was reaching the end of my rope.
However, her feelings towards everything seemed like they'd changed. She had also been doing individual and couples therapy. She felt like the more work she did, the more polyamory made sense to her, and the more she was interested in pursuing this other relationship and making it work, even without me.
She did not feel like she could confidently give me an answer as to what she would do anymore, as far as trying monogamy with me again, or not. This was pretty difficult for me to hear. It felt like she had gone back on her word. But she said she meant it at the time and her feelings had changed. Knowing how much she wanted this, and how hard this would be for her, gave me a second wind to keep trying, to work on shifting my mindset, rather than just enduring it and seeing if I coulf handle it.
However, lately, the more we talk about things, the more it feels like to her, there is no going back to mono. She says she's not sure, but "I don't know" feels like a scary response. To me, it almost feels like I need to make polyamory work for the sake of our relationship to continue. I asked her if she would try monogamy if I felt like I can't do this anymore, after continuing to try, and she doesn't know.
Our couple's therapist says that we should try our best to navigate the unknown, but it feels so hard.
I know she wants me in her life, to stay her forever partner, but I can't tell if she would still want that if I come to the conclusion that I am too unhappy in this relationship dynamic. I am trying to do the brain rewiring to keep this, trying to see if I can be happy. However, I am terrified of what it means if I can't. Neither of us want to leave this relationship.
I love her so much, but I am so scared. She tells me not to get lost in the what if's and future possibilities before it even happens. But the emotions are so strong.
I don't know if this is a cry for help, a vent, or a story I just want to share with the world. I just want her to be happy and I really hope that that happiness includes me. I just don't know what to believe anymore. I know that when opening up you can expect challenges and difficulty, but I can't tell what I am experiencing, and the extent to what I am experiencing, aligns with what is healthy or possible. So yeah, idk.
