Sorry in advance if this is somewhat disorganized thinking. I'm on a bus between cities right now and there hasn't been much sleep today/last night.
Last night my partner, Tor was on a date. We were talking right after he finished work and when I thought he was on his way to meet this woman, Elle. Suddenly in the middle of the conversation he says he needs to go because she's been waiting for him at the bar this whole time upstairs. Normally I prefer not to talk to my partner when his date is there, but it's just that. A preference. Last night it triggered a complete panic attack. I felt like he had just been waiting to get off the phone the whole time and like I was about to be abandoned while he got to go off and have fun and intimate rolling around times and I was just totally alone. I ended up crying on the phone and he almost cancelled his date, which I begged him not to.
The thing is, this is so not me. I usually experience a bit of anxiety when my partners are out with new people, but I'm usually pretty good at containing it and occupying myself with other things. Normally I'm very secure in my relationships and able to communicate what I need and problem solve like a coherent adult and last night was anything but coherent.
Tor is now saying that he doesn't feel comfortable going home with anyone until I come back from the trip and we can reconnect because I've been tense about this for the last three weeks, I'm cometely embarrassed and upset with myself, and I have no idea why I've been having such a hard time with his going on all these dates (he's been on four with three different women, though nothing beyond making out has happened) and accepting that when he's drinking with his coworkers (almost every night) he might end up hooking up with someone. Every morning I wake up feeling super fight or flight and terrified of reading a text saying he's gone home with Jane Doe and there's absolutely no reason why I should be feeling like this and I can't figure it out. This is also translating, especially recently, into me wanting to keep Tor at a distance and not wanting to like anything about the women he's into because I feel so afraid of everything.
Has anyone ever experienced this after feeling secure and compersion-y for years and years before? What did you do? Were you ever able to figure out why? The best guess I have is that I've never met any of them so some part of my lizard brain is secretly turning them into sabretooth tigers, but at the same time he will hook up/date/be with people that I haven't met in the future and there's nothing outwardly threatening about that other than fear of the unknown.
Last night my partner, Tor was on a date. We were talking right after he finished work and when I thought he was on his way to meet this woman, Elle. Suddenly in the middle of the conversation he says he needs to go because she's been waiting for him at the bar this whole time upstairs. Normally I prefer not to talk to my partner when his date is there, but it's just that. A preference. Last night it triggered a complete panic attack. I felt like he had just been waiting to get off the phone the whole time and like I was about to be abandoned while he got to go off and have fun and intimate rolling around times and I was just totally alone. I ended up crying on the phone and he almost cancelled his date, which I begged him not to.
The thing is, this is so not me. I usually experience a bit of anxiety when my partners are out with new people, but I'm usually pretty good at containing it and occupying myself with other things. Normally I'm very secure in my relationships and able to communicate what I need and problem solve like a coherent adult and last night was anything but coherent.
Tor is now saying that he doesn't feel comfortable going home with anyone until I come back from the trip and we can reconnect because I've been tense about this for the last three weeks, I'm cometely embarrassed and upset with myself, and I have no idea why I've been having such a hard time with his going on all these dates (he's been on four with three different women, though nothing beyond making out has happened) and accepting that when he's drinking with his coworkers (almost every night) he might end up hooking up with someone. Every morning I wake up feeling super fight or flight and terrified of reading a text saying he's gone home with Jane Doe and there's absolutely no reason why I should be feeling like this and I can't figure it out. This is also translating, especially recently, into me wanting to keep Tor at a distance and not wanting to like anything about the women he's into because I feel so afraid of everything.
Has anyone ever experienced this after feeling secure and compersion-y for years and years before? What did you do? Were you ever able to figure out why? The best guess I have is that I've never met any of them so some part of my lizard brain is secretly turning them into sabretooth tigers, but at the same time he will hook up/date/be with people that I haven't met in the future and there's nothing outwardly threatening about that other than fear of the unknown.
I assume he wouldn't bother to offer something he's not willing to do.