Struggling in monotonous relationship

J

JayKay

New member
Love isn’t always a straight path.

When my partner and I first began this journey, we agreed that our relationship would be polyamorous; rooted in honesty, freedom, and the belief that love could be expansive, not confined. It felt exciting, liberating, and deeply aligned with who I am: someone who loves across genders, who sees intimacy as something that doesn’t have to be limited to one person.

But lately, things have shifted. She’s getting cold feet. Fear has crept in where openness used to be. Fear of loss, fear of not being “enough”

And I understand it. I really do. These feelings are real and valid. But it leaves me torn between honouring the love we’ve built and honouring the truth inside me that yearns for connection beyond monogamy.

I don’t want secrecy or betrayal. I want love that’s built on truth and compassion. But sometimes, wanting both safety and freedom feels like standing on opposite shores, unable to swim across.

The hardest part is knowing that if we can’t find our way back to the openness we promised each other, I may have to make a choice I don’t want to make; to let go, with love, and seek a relationship that embraces polyamory fully, whether that’s with a couple or another partner who shares the same vision of love.

I’m sharing this not necessarily for answers, but because I know others have walked this path. How do you hold love for your partner while also holding love for yourself when those needs begin to pull in different directions?
 
Thank you for sharing. I am sure this is going to be a path that is not quite as simple as you may have hoped.

I do love how you are validating her feelings and being empathetic. That is sometimes not easy to do. But you also have to be true to yourself and what ultimately is needed to make you happy and fulfilled.

This is not advice, more than support. I wish you and your wife all the best on this journey and hope the outcome is something that is positive for both of you. I can only imagine this is not easy, so give yourself some grace along the way.

Big hugs!!!
 
quirkyandkind said:
Thank you for sharing and I am sure this is going to be a path that is not quite as simple as you may have hoped

I do love how you are validating her feelings and being empathetic. That is sometimes not easy to do. But you also have to be true to yourself and what ultimately is needed to make you happy and fulfilled

This is not advice more than support. I wish you and your wife all the best on this journey and hope the outcome is something that is positive for both of you. I can only imagine this is not easy so give yourself some grace along the way.

Big hugs!!!
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Thank you so much x
 
JayKay said:
I’m sharing this not necessarily for answers, but because I know others have walked this path. How do you hold love for your partner while also holding love for yourself when those needs begin to pull in different directions?
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I denied my own desires to live that truth and attempted classic monogamy for most of my life to, at best, middling effect. I think regret is perhaps too strong a word, but I certainly would have rather spent more effort earlier to make my life look like how I wanted it to, instead of figuring it all out the hard way.

That said, partners that grow together tend to stay together. Are you both doing stuff together to make sure your paths remain parallel? Shared interests and hobbies, therapy with a mind-set of working on things keeping you apart, that sort of thing?

My heart goes out to you both. I know how much suffering can be in each of your hearts over this. :confused:
 
Hello JayKay,

I hope you don't have to break up with your partner, but I can see why that might be the outcome here. If you did break up, maybe you could still be friends? If you don't break up, you may have to give up your hopes for polyamory. You'll have to decide whether you're willing to do that. In the meantime, you could have some heart-to-hearts with your partner, and see if you can get to the root of what's scaring her. I can't think of any advice for you, but I support both of you in your respective journeys.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I think it's too soon to evaluate if this can work or not. If I understand it correctly, you've been closed so far, so you don't have data on how you can function as a couple in a poly setting.
So I think you should make some light experiments. Ask her to be bold enough to make a first step - any first step. Then pause and evaluate.
 
Btw, the title puzzles me. Did you really want to write monotonous, or was it supposed to be monogamous?
 
Pretty sure they were being clever with "monotonous." But it makes me want to respond. If you find monogamy monotonous, you're doing it wrong. There are plenty of ways of finding variety and spontaneity within a monogamous r'ship.
 
You already answered yourself in many ways—you’re thoughtful, emotionally honest, and it’s clear you're in anticipatory grief. You know this has to end, it's more about WHEN and WHO does it.

I’ve worn those shoes, too. It's a very specific kind of heartbreak.

It would be easy if you were total opposites and had nothing in common. It's harder to do the tough breakups that are more like "Ugh! Sooooo close, yet sooooo far!" type. It sounds like this is one of those.

Sometimes the most loving thing I can do is to let go. I make the choice to end it so they don't have to do it. I do it BECAUSE I love them. I can't spare them all the grief -- because all breakups come with some grief to process, even when it's the best call in a situation. But I can spare them having to make the call. I can do that much. That is how I show love for them.

And sticking with my values? Not bending me into pretzels? That's how I show love for myself, even if it means ending a relationship I really enjoy having.

A graceful, dignified ending is okay, and it honors the love we built, gently letting go and not being one of those drama shitshow breakups.

Ultimately? It's NORMAL and okay to break up in dating. Not everything pans out. That's life.

It's just that this type is especially hard, because-- "Ugh! Sooooo close, yet sooooo far!"

It's rare, but some couples are able to talk it out, and set the deadline for when it is "officially over," and enjoy the time left and each other, a type of intentional decoupling they deliberately design together, maybe with the "last date" in mind.

Just like the start of the relationship was a slow build toward... this is a slow walk away from.
 
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