Struggling to find answers

[Semperfi4ever]

My spouse and I have been married 15 years . We just starting a triad with my best friend and things were great. Now I'm starting to struggle with jealous is this normal ? I am so happy when there together but it just seems like they are needing more and more time alone how do I handle all these feelings? Thanks in advance for any help

 

[Rooster]

Now I'm starting to struggle with jealous is this normal ?

I'm new to this as well so I may not be qualified to give advice however I can say that it is normal. Especially if you've been together that long, even if beforehand you think these feelings won't happen they still will. In order to start dealing with it you first need to determine if your jealousy is truly justified. If it's not then I've found just reading old threads here helps (there are tons because your not alone). If it IS then there may be additional steps needed to work it out, these "steps" are subjective and depend on the situation.

 

[Evie]

Sounds like they are deep in New Relationship Energy (NRE) aka limerance aka honeymoon period etc. That's something that can blindside newly opened couples and it really does take a bit of adjustment. It's very normal for you to feel jealous at this time, or envious - do you understand the difference? Can you be precise on what you are feeling? Either or both of these things arise when we feel lack. What are you lacking? What is your primary love language? Quality time? Physical touch? Something else?

One way to deal with this is to make sure that you, as the more established partner, and her him make deliberate dates for yourselves, too. Have your own alone time where phones are away and you're really making a point of being present with one another and showing each other love in ways you can feel it. After so many years of cohabiting, many people perceive just being home together as quality time. It really isn't. Make time to be together without any of the household stuff being a part of it.

Is this a triad and you're dating/in love/fucking your best friend, too? Or is it a V where you and he/she aren't intimate in any way, just them and your spouse? If it's a V, then please encourage your spouse to do a little reading on how to be a good hinge, or perhaps the risks of what you might be perceiving such as http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

But overall, the only person you can control is yourself. So, in those times that they are having their alone time, what can you do for you? Is there a particular hobby you want to pursue or hone? Fitness? A tv series you really enjoy but your spouse just tolerates and you could binge in peace and quiet? A side hustle to make yourself a little extra money? What would make you feel good about you? Do that.

And if you're in a reading mood, try this: https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/the-most-skipped-step-when-opening-a-relationship-f1f67abbbd49

 

[Semperfi4ever]

I'm new to this as well so I may not be qualified to give advice however I can say that it is normal. Especially if you've been together that long, even if beforehand you think these feelings won't happen they still will. In order to start dealing with it you first need to determine if your jealousy is truly justified. If it's not then I've found just reading old threads here helps (there are tons because your not alone). If it IS then there may be additional steps needed to work it out, these "steps" are subjective and depend on the situation.

Thank you taking time and responding at times I feel so alone in this process with my feelings but now I see I'm not thank you .

 

[Semperfi4ever]

Sounds like they are deep in New Relationship Energy (NRE) aka limerance aka honeymoon period etc. That's something that can blindside newly opened couples and it really does take a bit of adjustment. It's very normal for you to feel jealous at this time, or envious - do you understand the difference? Can you be precise on what you are feeling? Either or both of these things arise when we feel lack. What are you lacking? What is your primary love language? Quality time? Physical touch? Something else?

One way to deal with this is to make sure that you, as the more established partner, and her make deliberate dates for yourselves, too. Have your own alone time where phones are away and you're really making a point of being present with one another and showing each other love in ways you can feel it. After so many years of cohabiting, many people perceive just being home together as quality time. It really isn't. Make time to be together without any of the household stuff being a part of it.

Is this a triad and you're dating/in love/fucking your best friend, too? Or is it a V where you and he/she aren't intimate in any way, just them and your spouse? If it's a V, then please encourage your spouse to do a little reading on how to be a good hinge, or perhaps the risks of what you might be perceiving such as http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

But overall, the only person you can control is yourself. So, in those times that they are having their alone time, what can you do for you? Is there a particular hobby you want to pursue or hone? Fitness? A tv series you really enjoy but your spouse just tolerates and you could binge in peace and quiet? A side hustle to make yourself a little extra money? What would make you feel good about you? Do that.

And if you're in a reading mood, try this: https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/the-most-skipped-step-when-opening-a-relationship-f1f67abbbd49

I think I'm a mixture of both I really didn't think about envious as something creeping up to. I think what I'm struggling is yes they are nre but I feel at times my spouse feels that's the only important relationship to focus on . Also trying to communicate feelings for me is hard they both complain I'm in my head when I do so I kinda shut down . My primary language is physical touch how could I improve that area ?
Yes we are a true triad they took off faster then me and her. I feel me and her are close but struggling at times for her to get closer. She says she wants this but at times i feel she only wants my husband and tolerates me then i think I'm being silly for that and it's not true. This is so new and i want to make it work .
Thank you for ideas on alone time when there together that's hardest so thank you. I'm also going to read that book nice to have like minded people in my corner and an outlet for what I'm feeling dont want to sabotage this over silly feelings.

 

[Evie]

Feelings aren't silly, they are signs that you have some inner work to do and likely some conversations and creating of relationship nurturing to do, too.

You are the most familiar person to both of them, he's your spouse, she's your bestie, but despite that they probably weren't super close prior to this change to a triad and they are just really enjoying getting to know each other. Of course that will be a little painful to watch happening, but it won't last forever. They'll reach a level of knowledge of each other where the rose tinted glasses will fade and a new normal will take over. Acknowledge this was always going to be a part of it and advocate for yourself and the one on one dates you want with each of them, too.

It's unlikely her feelings for both of you will be exactly the same, but that doesn't mean she's just tolerating you. I was the new partner to an established marriage once upon a time. I was head over heels for him, but her and I also had our own relationship that we actively worked on (as well as times where we all went out together). I came to love her differently but extremely deeply.

All the best with finding your feet as this all unfolds.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Semperfi4ever,

It is normal to struggle with jealousy, it sounds like your husband and your best friend are having NRE with each other and that is also normal, just make sure it doesn't get too out of hand. Here are some things to help you with your jealousy:

• What If I Get Jealous?
• Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
• "First Aid" for Jealousy
• Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
• Understanding jealousy
• How do you achieve compersion?
• Jealousy and Insecurity
• The Theory of Jealousy Management
• The Practice of Jealousy Management
• Teal Swan: Jealousy and Envy
• Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

Good luck.
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

Also trying to communicate feelings for me is hard they both complain I'm in my head when I do so I kinda shut down .

Do you mean you need the help of other people to process and articulate your feelings? And before you'd either do it with spouse or best friend? But now it's weird, because the feelings are ABOUT spouse and best friend dating? Or they want to be in the pink fluffy lala NRE clouds, and spending time with you doing that sort of processing takes them out of it?

Do you have anyone else to talk to about your feelings?

And maybe reconsider. Maybe talking about feelings isn't the fastest way to address needs? Maybe just asking for wanted behaviors is?

My primary language is physical touch how could I improve that area ?

Ask for what you need directly? Like "Could you please be willing to share a hug? I need touch/connection."

Like just asking up front, without a lot of "feelings" talk. They can either say "yes" or "no."

I feel at times my spouse feels that's the only important relationship to focus on .

Again, could be direct. "I'm happy you are developing your new relationship. At the same time, it isn't your only relationship. I still need some attention too. Could we please plan for some time together on our own? And get some dates on the calendar?"

I feel me and her are close but struggling at times for her to get closer.

What is the struggle? Closer how? Do you mean sexually? Something else?

She says she wants this but at times i feel she only wants my husband and tolerates me then i think I'm being silly for that and it's not true.

If you need reassurance that you aren't just being tolerated to gain access to husband, ask. Maybe this is better as a V rather than a triad. And you seek a different GF.

Or maybe she is into you, just that you and husband are not copies of each other. And the relationships between

A + B
B+ C
C + A

are all going to unfold and develop in their own ways. Not be exactly the same.

Could ask for the info that you need.

This is so new and i want to make it work.

It takes all people pitching in for it to work. Not just all on you.

And a triad is one of the hardest models -- it's like 3 V's stacked up on each other. All of you are the hinge to the other two. Your partners are also you metamours.

It's normal for things to be weird. Feelings aren't silly.

The "old normal" is gone, the "new normal" isn't here yet. There's just going to be a period of transition and maybe even some growing pains. Do your fair share of the work, and presumably if the others do their fair share, you will all get to the "new normal" place eventually.

In your case, it might have an extra layer. Because if normally you would go hang out with your best friend while spouse is hanging out with his new GF? Not happening here. Because the best friend IS the new GF.

So you have to get comfortable spending some time on your own or hang out with other friends.

If this is your first poly relationship, there's going to be that layer too. You don't have benefit of past experiences to know "Oh, spouse always gets goofy in NRE and it lasts about 4 months and then he calms down" or whatever to help you weather it out. You don't know "I always get ___, and the things that help most are _____." You might be figuring that stuff out now.

Galagirl

 

[Semperfi4ever]

Thank you for all your advice I was just informed after talking to him that I have to make this work or he will leave me for her I'm devastated. 16 years gone .

 

[powerpuffgrl1969]

Thank you for all your advice I was just informed after talking to him that I have to make this work or he will leave me for her I'm devastated. 16 years gone .

Makes me wonder who had the idea to start this triad? Are you sure your husband and friend weren't already involved and were trying to "legitimize" their affair? At this point, you need to look out for your OWN interests. So sorry this is happening.

 

[GalaGirl]

Thank you for all your advice I was just informed after talking to him that I have to make this work or he will leave me for her I'm devastated. 16 years gone .

Dang. Sounds like this was out of the blue for you. Or maybe you were kinda getting the vibe already and hence the uneasy feelings?

I'm sorry you are devastated. It's certainly a shock.

You didn't really describe how this all came to be in your other posts. So perhaps this didn't start in good faith?

Some people try to use "poly" like a "soft exit" out of a relationship. So they don't have to break up and be alone and then find a new person. They want to line up the new person ahead of time.

Or they try to whitewash a cheating affair with the "poly brush." To me either way isn't ethical polyamory.

Is either of that the case here? Or is it something else?

He's all caught in the NRE and he had this fantasy of how it would all roll perfect with no bumps? And you are bringing things back to reality that it takes some work so then he wants to act out at you over it cuz he thinks you are raining on his parade?

Or wanting to go there, and maybe prepared enough for a one off threesome. But not really being prepared or lacking skills to have more than that?

Or trying to to force a triad? When it's better off as each of you dating separate people and not the same one?

What is it that you "have to make work" that he wants you to do? Are they reasonable and rational requests or not?

And how is him behaving like this "do this or else!" thing an example of him helping to make it work?

Your consent to participate in a polyship belongs to you. If he goes around behaving like that? What makes him a great poly partner? Is this a great offer/deal for you?

He isn't worried you will say "Nope. You aren't doing your fair share and are dumping all the work on me. So I'm bowing out of this polyship if this is how it is here" at all?

I guess if this isn't outbursts and he really does want to leave you for her or you want to leave him because he's gone bananas... you could think on what your emergency preparedness would be.

Before telling him "Ok. Let's have a trial separation" or "Let's have a divorce." And you sort out next steps.

You are the one there. Only you know what is is workable or not, and if you even want to keep going on this poly path with him if he behaves like this. Is this "temporary madness" or if this is "true colors" finally coming out or what.

I suggest taking a time out. Take care of you. Cool off. And think about your options. Don't make any rash decisions when upset. And maintain your personal boundaries.

I'm really sorry this is happening.

Galagirl