Struggling to Find Happiness (polyamory, BDSM)

Monogamish said:
As far as "making me enter relationships"...that's a huge pickle. The first man I had sex with was also the sociopath who pimped me out... and I enabled him to do so by pushing myself harder to have sex with these people so that he would love me and approve of me. I'm afraid that I'm going to fall into the trap of pushing myself sexually or emotionally with someone when I'm not 100% clear on what I want, just because I feel like I "should", for Lilin's or my own benefit. Although I don't want this to happen, this is a huge part of where my nervousness about opening up comes from.
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In my practice of D/s, I have agreements with my sub that he is not to be touched by anyone but me. Under no circumstance will he submit to my demanding he have sex with someone. I am his protector as much as his controller. I take that role very seriously and know that if I falter on our agreements within our relationship dynamic that I will lose the privilege of being his master. It gives him great comfort and empowerment to know that he is off-limits through me, if that makes sense. He knows that I own him and that part of that is that no one else can touch him.

I am wondering why, or perhaps need some clarity on, why you would think that you need to be involved with any partner Lilin becomes involved with. There is no reason to create a triad out of your relationship dynamic. You could happily be in a vee situation and not have more than acknowledgement of another submissive, if you chose.

The point is that you have a choice there. Not only do you have a choice, but I would think it would be a very powerful experience for you to have his dominance in the situation support your choice, just as it is empowering for my partner Mono. You could very well experience healing from past wounds in a situation whereby he has another lover or lovers that he firmly demands be kept separate from you.

Nothing like being the queen of the palace, so to speak! :D or princess? Or would that be too dominant? I dunno. As I said, I am the dom in the situation. I'm not necessarily coming from the place of the sub.
 
RP, as pointed out, I'm clueless, so I just thought I'd ask-- were those agreements put in place because you don't trust yourself from being caught up in the moment of something, or just a symbolic gesture to give him peace of mind? Meaning zero chance of those things happening. If trust and structure are key elements, and the sub has the ultimate control, then why would it be necessary to have such rules?
 
I totally stole the name from Dan Savage. I guess it fits me pretty well. Although, to be fair, I mostly go with whatever form of relationship the person I'm with is happy with, and can stretch and bend to fit many molds, up to a point. I think I may have hit my "point," and gotten exhausted, and just wanted things to be nice and simple and safe for a bit. But that's also not the life I chose/am choosing to live. To be completely honest, I am at least a little excited about the possibility of going on dates again with nice people who will like me, take care of me, and respect my boundaries, while also desiring me. ;)

Also, Redpepper, I think that being queen or princess of the palace is a very apt analogy, and one Lilin and I both liked and felt comforted by. It's something to consider, at least in the early stages of his relationships with others, and I think it would be appreciated in order to mitigate my leftover fatigue/anxiety. Thank you, once again, for the advice. I've been reading your blog posts from page 1 (I only made it to page 32 thus far, haha), and it seems like you've all been on quite a journey.

Dingedheart, we did say if you wanted to hold our feet to the fire about our structure within polyamory and BDSM ideas, that you had to watch the video first. If that didn't help, then thinking that "making lots of rules is part of the fun" is just about as good an answer as any, I guess. :D
 
OP here. Sorry to resurrect an old thread, but I thought some of you might like to know what's going on with us.

After some false starts, a very close mutual friend of Lilin's and mine has expressed an interest in me (which I return, hurrah!). He's going to have dinner with Lilin and talk about how he wants to proceed on Tuesday (without me there, as he has some things he wants to hash out mano-y-mano), and then come back to me with the all clear.

He has never done polyamory before, but he has all the qualities necessary-- good communication skills, honesty and bluntness, an open mind, to make this work, if we tread carefully.

Lilin has some anxiety going forward, as his first girlfriend and best friend found each other appealing and then left him out of the loop, and he lost them both. I have reassured him that this isn't what is going to happen with us, because Best Friend and I would both rather tear our hearts out than lose Lilin in our lives. However, since Lilin doesn't want to be monogamous with me, he DOES have to put up with the insecurities of me going forward with poly, and doesn't get to pick and choose whom I date (which he knows).

I am cautiously optimistic that this will be a good experience for everybody, and if all goes well, hopefully Lilin will feel secure enough to pursue other relationships for himself, separate from ours. :)

We've come a long way since last fall, and I think we're both proud and encouraged by our progress. Thanks to everyone on the forums who helped us when we were struggling. I'll happily keep everyone updated here if anyone has any interest.

-Monogamish
 
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