Struggling with metamour

C

Cyber

New member
My partner just told me that her boyfriend found out that he had HPV yesterday. I'm struggling with this and hoped that someone might have words of wisdom to share.

Some background: my partner and I (identify as female and male, respectively) have been in a long distance relationship for close to four years. What started off as an open relationship became a polyamorous one. Due to my work and living situation I haven't had substantial opportunities to date/explore outside of our relationship and feel unsure that this is a thing that ultimately I'll feel comfortable with. However, I love her and am willing to accept that just because something is outside of my comfort zone doesn't mean it's inherently bad. We're also planning on moving in together in late spring of 2016 at which point I'll hopefully gain more clarity on where my boundaries lie.

She's been seeing her boyfriend for a bit over half a year and I've struggled with the fact that she loves him in addition to the fact that her time and energy is now split between the two of us, not to mention that he's in the same area as her and I'm not. All things which I put on the back burner, anticipating that once we were in the same place that jealousy born primarily from the long distance element of our relationship would fade away. (quick note: I've met the guy and have no problem with him personally)

But now her boyfriend has HPV and it feels like every doubt that I've had has decided to rear its ugly head. I feel like their relationship now has the potential to directly affect our relationship in a negative way which is something I'm really conflicted about. I want her to be able to love freely but I don't want either of us at risk because of that. She's made it clear that she doesn't think there's a lot of risk involved and they use protection and take precautions but it seems to me that sooner or later what he has will make its way to us.

Ultimately I'm trying to not resent what feels like an increasingly irksome imposition in my life and currently not having a whole lot of success.
 
Many, many people have HPV. I have a friend who has only been with 3 people. You guessed it. She has it. They way she found out was that her husband who has only ever been with her had a flair up with symptoms. She is completely asymptomatic. If you've been with 3 or more people odds are you've already been exposed. It is so, so common and more of an irritant than an issue other than the link to cervical cancer. Ladies get your check ups!

To me, in the grand scheme of things it's minor. Take steps to protect yourself. Condoms if you have a penis, which won't help if you get it somewhere not covered by the condom. If you have a vagina, condoms on toys & clean them thoroughly after use.

Personally, it wouldn't be a deal breaker. If it were you are cutting our an extremely large segment of the dating pool. Not to mention those that get checked for STIs with methods other than blood tests may not be aware.

Best wishes to you regardless of your decision.
 
If you're worried, get yourself vaccinated. I find these guides really helpful when assessing risks and options: http://www.cdc.gov/std/hpv/stdfact-hpv-and-men.htm

(and for the lady folk: http://www.cdc.gov/std/hpv/stdfact-hpv.htm)

As long as your partner goes for regular cervical screenings, it's not a big deal. If she tests positive for certain strains, then she might need to go for those screenings more often, so it's certainly worth her while getting tested. However, if they've been using protection then the chances of transmission are already quite low. In your position, I wouldn't be worrying too much.
 
As tenk said, depending on your age, vaccination may be an option (it's a series of three shots given over 7-8 months. As the others have said, HPV is very common. Most sexually active people will have HPV at some point...most of them just won't know it (because the vast majority of time, it doesn't cause symptoms.) It's a virus, and typically, clears up on it's own, with no intervention. Also, it's possible to carry the virus for years and not know it until suddenly, you/your partner test positive on a papsmear. I had this happen to a friend...happily & monogamously married for 20 years...suddenly tested positive. When she freaked out, her gyn told her she could have contracted it 25 years ago. I was also positive for a while but it cleared on it's own, no intervention necessary. At the time, I'd had 3 sex partners (male & female combined), including a long-term mono marriage. It's also worth noting that while the use of condoms/dental dams/etc will reduce transmission risk, it will not eliminate the risk. Like HSV & syphillis, HPV can be spread by skin to skin contact with infected areas. If the infected area falls outside of the area covered by a condom, it's possible to catch it despite religious use of condoms. That said, the vast majority of HPV cases clear on their own. Since the bf is symptomatic, my guess is that he has the form of HPV that causes genital warts...this form is low risk for causing cancer.

That said, it's worth telling your doctor that you've been exposed to HPV, that way he can note your chart in case of future symptoms, etc. Females should get papsmears regularly.

CDC facts
Basic HPV related Cancer Info
HPV cancer statistics
 
Hi Cyber,

I think that it is impossible to be 100% protected from all STI's, 100% of the time. You could say that's the nature of the beast in polyamory, but as noted above you can still catch/carry STI's even if you're monogamous.

You'll have to make a decision as to whether you'll still want to be with your partner, in spite of the risk. After all, even after she moves in with you she may go on trips to see her boyfriend, and/or she may meet another guy locally.

Perhaps you'd rather your girlfriend be monogamous with you? Who knows how she could be convinced.

Sorry you're faced with this dilemma.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks everyone for the helpful responses and information, very much appreciated.

General consensus is that HPV isn't a big deal which looking at all the medical stuff I can get behind. But aside from that, I think that another part of what I'm struggling with is that she values her boyfriend, who doesn't mean a whole lot to me, enough that genital warts aren't a deal-breaker. Which, like I said, after some research I find that HPV is apparently not an insurmountable problem so I can understand that.

Of course, my initial reaction to "my boyfriend has genital warts" was more on par with "ew, run away" than "let's work through this" which isn't something I'm exactly proud of.

So obviously, metamour is important to my partner but not to myself. *Should* her boyfriend be important to me? Not necessarily for his place in my life but for the one he holds in hers. Is caring about this person only when he affects my life a positive or negative choice?
 
Cyber said:
Of course, my initial reaction to "my boyfriend has genital warts" was more on par with "ew, run away" than "let's work through this" which isn't something I'm exactly proud of.

So obviously, metamour is important to my partner but not to myself. *Should* her boyfriend be important to me? Not necessarily for his place in my life but for the one he holds in hers. Is caring about this person only when he affects my life a positive or negative choice?
Click to expand...


I would say a positive. You totally have the right to be concerned about your health & emotional well being. There is not a poly manual that says you have to care about a metamour. Your concerns & feelings about yourself & your relationship with her are what matter.

On a side note, many people out there would not have been so forthcoming about HPV. He was honest with her which is admirable & she was honest with you. To me that indicates open communication.
 
Cyber said:
...metamour is important to my partner but not to myself. *Should* her boyfriend be important to me? Not necessarily for his place in my life but for the one he holds in hers. Is caring about this person only when he affects my life a positive or negative choice?
Click to expand...

It depends...

He is important to you because he makes your girlfriend happy, and his life has an impact on hers, and by association, on yours.

Also, you have met him and like him well enough. And it sounds like your gf is being a good hinge in this V. That's an art in itself.

It is a problem her OSO is local to her, and you are not. It's natural you could feel left out, or fear since they live close together, their relationship can develop more quickly, etc. You've got all winter to wait until your plan to move in with her comes to be. She will need to continue to be a good hinge and keep you in the loop, and visit with you often enough to help you feel valued and important to her despite her loving 2.

I have nothing to do with my partner's OSO. They always get together at his place. They see each other every 2 weeks. He lives 20 miles away from our house, and it seems he wants to continue to see her at his place only... He is a very private person with certain social anxieties, so I don't see this changing. But I am glad she has him in her life. He provides things for her that I can not, or do not wish to, provide for her. But I am glad of that, since it helps make her life more full and rewarding. He is really good for her personal growth. And I enjoy the me-time when she goes for her bimonthly overnight with him. Win-win.

On the other hand, my current lover Punk is very friendly and comes here to the house I share with miss pixi for all our dates. He and miss pixi like each other as friends, and we generally spend part of the date hanging out as a threesome, talking, sharing food.

Every poly situation is different, and only the people involved can decide what shape things take, deal with what emotions come up, and arrange calendars and living situations to their own satisfaction. Time will tell how things will look next spring when you move in together. Do you anticipate being comfortable with her having her OSO over to your house? Or will you keep your distance? Up to you.
 
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