Hi All,
I'm struggling to deal in a non-monogamous relationship. No one in my life, apart from my partner, is open to a non-monogamous mind-set.
I like the idea of being in a non-monogamous relationship. In fact I think that I need it. I love my partner more than anything, but the idea of never being able to share experiences with another person just plain freaks me out. I don't have a desire to enter into a long-term relationship with anyone else. More so to explore experiences with other people, platonic or otherwise.
I have a history of physical, sexual and psychological abuse. I suffer from PTSD, which is a constant process and I’m trying really hard. I've been struggling with chronic health issues for the last four years. As a result, my current relationship, even from a monogamous perspective is difficult for me to navigate. When I'm in my body/emotions I struggle with sheer terror and physical/emotional pain. So, I spend a lot of time in my head. I can revert to a very distanced and analytical approach to life, because it feels manageable there. This leads me to really withdrawing in my relationships. I really struggle with what I'm feeling and what my needs and wants are. Therefore, it's hard for me to understand what my boundaries are and when they're being crossed. I withdraw and protect myself without even knowing it.
I do everything I can to alleviate the burden this puts on my partner. We get each other on the deepest of levels, we love, respect, admire and are there for one another. Our communication is generally excellent. It breaks down when we argue - it becomes circular and neither of us feels understood/validated. My emotional withdrawal has been causing problems for a few years. It has led to a lack of intimacy, which really hurts her! She thrives on touch and desire, it's the language of love that she best understands. Being stuck in my top-down analytical view of the world; I can give her touch, and support, but the desire takes long periods of absence. Sometimes only to re-surface in a moment of crisis, kind of like now
Irena has supported me the best she is able over this period of time, but could no longer ignore what she we wasn't getting in our relationship. She feels intellectually and emotionally full-filled, but has a burning need to explore other relationships sexually. I support her as best I'm able, but I'm afraid that I'm falling short. We've taken tentative steps forward in that time, and with each step forward I tend to have a freak-out/melt-down, which is really hard on her.
Two weeks ago she first dated and slept with another man. Literally the day after this I was hospitalised and almost died from a surgical complication. As much pain as I was in, and as close to death as I was, the pain of her being intimate with someone was right up there. We talked about her experience, I was generally interested to hear all about it. It also ripped my heart out. At one point Irena commented that she could see how much this was hurting me, and that stress was the last thing I needed right now. She asked how I would feel if she just saw women. I'm completely ok with her seeing women for some reason. So I said that would be great, so as long as it sits right with her. My understanding of where we left off was she was going to only see women, and she would tell me if she felt like she needed to start seeing men again.
A couple of days ago she told me that she was supposed to go on a date with a guy that afternoon. She'd been talking to him for nearly a week and I hadn't known. I've expressed that not being kept in the loop is a huge trigger of mine. I felt hurt and angry, and then rapidly shut the feeling down - so rapidly I can only register it in hind-sight. Instead I tried to be supportive and interested. First mistake. I spent the rest of that day emotionally catatonic. Irena was really supportive.
She went on her date and had a good time. I wanted desperately to be supportive the next day. Instead I hurt and anger kept coming up. I tried hard to express it in a healthy way, but I couldn't. It came out in an accusatory fashion and we ended argued. Second mistake. She felt not listened to, shut down and withdrew. I'm the kind of person that likes to move through the argument and resolve it right then and there. Irena needs time and space. I could see her shutting down so I gave her space and went away to be in my hurt. I had an epiphany whilst I was in the depths of my own hell. I don't express anger. Ever. I mean sure I get angry and I argue, but I don't let myself sit in a space and actually be angry with someone. So the anger never moves through, I never actually get to express and dislodge it. It's only intellectual anger that gets expressed. I knew right then that I had to express it, it was one of the things that was making me push her away. One of the boundaries that I wasn't aware of until now. So, I expressed it. I didn't fly off the handle, I didn't shout. I expressed it in the same healthy way I always aspire to, but this time I let myself feel angry as I was expressing it. Lo and behold I felt like I'd taken some power in the relationship that I was missing, and not having it was draining me. I didn't take power from her. I took my own personal power that was being misdirected out of fear. Unfortunately, probably crap timing for such an epiphany. She was already feeling overwhelmed and needed space, this just compounded it. She withdrew completely. I was left feeling like I was out on a limb, waiting for a juror to come out on our relationship. She's been at this point of shutting down before and has broken up with me. I resolved to let her come to me and talk when she was ready, I was giving her as much space as possible. I didn't want to push her over the edge and lose her.
Six hours of my own hell later, I had another realisation; It's a running thing in our arguments where I feel like I'm left waiting for her to take accountability for her part in an argument, or apologise for a wrong doing. It's not that she isn't sorry, or aware of her own part in things. We have two different styles of communication. She states that it's a given she's considering her part in things, and that she's sorry where applicable. Whereas I need to feel it. I need to experience that softening in the other person, where just for a second they stop trying to defend themselves and take on-board what you're saying. A hug and an I'm sorry don't go astray either, but just the understanding would be enough. I feel like I'm quite good at apologising mid-argument, a pro of being able to enter that clinical mind-set. I don't expect anyone to do this to the same extent. I just feel that I don't get this in my relationship until days or weeks later, sometimes never.
Anyways, she completely forgot about our discussion pertaining to not seeing men. No way would I have tried to stop it if she told me. But she didn't, she just plain forgot and was talking to the dude for a week without letting me know. This really hurt/hurts me. I know she can't be beholden to my physical state, she has her own life to live. I just can't understand how your partner can be close to death, so you make the call that we should mitigate stress for a little bit, and then completely forget. I just feel completely forgotten and not cared about at the most fundamental level. She was going through hell at the time too so I can intellectually understand how she could forget. But emotionally, god-damn it hurts!
As I mentioned earlier, this has been a triggering theme in our exploration into non-monogamous relationships. In our first experience, my flatmate told her he was really into her - in a very back-handed, malintent kind of way. They texted back and forth for a week, met up in a bar and engaged in minor intimacy. She told him that the only way that they would hook up is if I was made aware of the situation and was okay with it. All of that is cool to me, except for being kept out of the loop for a week. Especially considering the nature of my flatmate's intention. Irena had no malintent in not informing me. I was stressed at the time and my flat-mate conveyed that he had genuine feelings for her - so she wanted to be sensitive and supportive to him. She honestly thought it was better to wait before telling me. When she told me she prefaced it with 'I forgot to tell you...'. I get the logic, but it triggered the hell out of me. I feel like I was put second.
At another time we were broken up, still living together, still sleeping in the same bed and being intimate, but broken up by discussion. She arranged a date with another person and told me by preface of 'I forgot to tell you...'.
Hell, the first girl I ever truly loved broke all contact with me immediately after saying 'I forgot to tell you, I've been seeing another guy for the last three months'.
I have a sensitivity around being forgotten.
I don’t know if I’m making a something out of nothing. I only know how I feel and what hurts me. It’s really hard to trust that. I’m terrified of doing the wrong thing and ruining something beautiful. All because I can’t move past something that was all in my head and didn’t matter in the first place.
Thanks for reading rant. In summary I guess;
My self-worth is crushed. I feel like I can’t explore relationships with other people. What does a chronically ill man struggling with PTSD have to offer anyone?
I feel unsafe and power-less in my relationship.
I feel alone.
Thanks for allowing me the forum to piece together my own thoughts and feelings,
Tim
I'm struggling to deal in a non-monogamous relationship. No one in my life, apart from my partner, is open to a non-monogamous mind-set.
I like the idea of being in a non-monogamous relationship. In fact I think that I need it. I love my partner more than anything, but the idea of never being able to share experiences with another person just plain freaks me out. I don't have a desire to enter into a long-term relationship with anyone else. More so to explore experiences with other people, platonic or otherwise.
I have a history of physical, sexual and psychological abuse. I suffer from PTSD, which is a constant process and I’m trying really hard. I've been struggling with chronic health issues for the last four years. As a result, my current relationship, even from a monogamous perspective is difficult for me to navigate. When I'm in my body/emotions I struggle with sheer terror and physical/emotional pain. So, I spend a lot of time in my head. I can revert to a very distanced and analytical approach to life, because it feels manageable there. This leads me to really withdrawing in my relationships. I really struggle with what I'm feeling and what my needs and wants are. Therefore, it's hard for me to understand what my boundaries are and when they're being crossed. I withdraw and protect myself without even knowing it.
I do everything I can to alleviate the burden this puts on my partner. We get each other on the deepest of levels, we love, respect, admire and are there for one another. Our communication is generally excellent. It breaks down when we argue - it becomes circular and neither of us feels understood/validated. My emotional withdrawal has been causing problems for a few years. It has led to a lack of intimacy, which really hurts her! She thrives on touch and desire, it's the language of love that she best understands. Being stuck in my top-down analytical view of the world; I can give her touch, and support, but the desire takes long periods of absence. Sometimes only to re-surface in a moment of crisis, kind of like now
Irena has supported me the best she is able over this period of time, but could no longer ignore what she we wasn't getting in our relationship. She feels intellectually and emotionally full-filled, but has a burning need to explore other relationships sexually. I support her as best I'm able, but I'm afraid that I'm falling short. We've taken tentative steps forward in that time, and with each step forward I tend to have a freak-out/melt-down, which is really hard on her.
Two weeks ago she first dated and slept with another man. Literally the day after this I was hospitalised and almost died from a surgical complication. As much pain as I was in, and as close to death as I was, the pain of her being intimate with someone was right up there. We talked about her experience, I was generally interested to hear all about it. It also ripped my heart out. At one point Irena commented that she could see how much this was hurting me, and that stress was the last thing I needed right now. She asked how I would feel if she just saw women. I'm completely ok with her seeing women for some reason. So I said that would be great, so as long as it sits right with her. My understanding of where we left off was she was going to only see women, and she would tell me if she felt like she needed to start seeing men again.
A couple of days ago she told me that she was supposed to go on a date with a guy that afternoon. She'd been talking to him for nearly a week and I hadn't known. I've expressed that not being kept in the loop is a huge trigger of mine. I felt hurt and angry, and then rapidly shut the feeling down - so rapidly I can only register it in hind-sight. Instead I tried to be supportive and interested. First mistake. I spent the rest of that day emotionally catatonic. Irena was really supportive.
She went on her date and had a good time. I wanted desperately to be supportive the next day. Instead I hurt and anger kept coming up. I tried hard to express it in a healthy way, but I couldn't. It came out in an accusatory fashion and we ended argued. Second mistake. She felt not listened to, shut down and withdrew. I'm the kind of person that likes to move through the argument and resolve it right then and there. Irena needs time and space. I could see her shutting down so I gave her space and went away to be in my hurt. I had an epiphany whilst I was in the depths of my own hell. I don't express anger. Ever. I mean sure I get angry and I argue, but I don't let myself sit in a space and actually be angry with someone. So the anger never moves through, I never actually get to express and dislodge it. It's only intellectual anger that gets expressed. I knew right then that I had to express it, it was one of the things that was making me push her away. One of the boundaries that I wasn't aware of until now. So, I expressed it. I didn't fly off the handle, I didn't shout. I expressed it in the same healthy way I always aspire to, but this time I let myself feel angry as I was expressing it. Lo and behold I felt like I'd taken some power in the relationship that I was missing, and not having it was draining me. I didn't take power from her. I took my own personal power that was being misdirected out of fear. Unfortunately, probably crap timing for such an epiphany. She was already feeling overwhelmed and needed space, this just compounded it. She withdrew completely. I was left feeling like I was out on a limb, waiting for a juror to come out on our relationship. She's been at this point of shutting down before and has broken up with me. I resolved to let her come to me and talk when she was ready, I was giving her as much space as possible. I didn't want to push her over the edge and lose her.
Six hours of my own hell later, I had another realisation; It's a running thing in our arguments where I feel like I'm left waiting for her to take accountability for her part in an argument, or apologise for a wrong doing. It's not that she isn't sorry, or aware of her own part in things. We have two different styles of communication. She states that it's a given she's considering her part in things, and that she's sorry where applicable. Whereas I need to feel it. I need to experience that softening in the other person, where just for a second they stop trying to defend themselves and take on-board what you're saying. A hug and an I'm sorry don't go astray either, but just the understanding would be enough. I feel like I'm quite good at apologising mid-argument, a pro of being able to enter that clinical mind-set. I don't expect anyone to do this to the same extent. I just feel that I don't get this in my relationship until days or weeks later, sometimes never.
Anyways, she completely forgot about our discussion pertaining to not seeing men. No way would I have tried to stop it if she told me. But she didn't, she just plain forgot and was talking to the dude for a week without letting me know. This really hurt/hurts me. I know she can't be beholden to my physical state, she has her own life to live. I just can't understand how your partner can be close to death, so you make the call that we should mitigate stress for a little bit, and then completely forget. I just feel completely forgotten and not cared about at the most fundamental level. She was going through hell at the time too so I can intellectually understand how she could forget. But emotionally, god-damn it hurts!
As I mentioned earlier, this has been a triggering theme in our exploration into non-monogamous relationships. In our first experience, my flatmate told her he was really into her - in a very back-handed, malintent kind of way. They texted back and forth for a week, met up in a bar and engaged in minor intimacy. She told him that the only way that they would hook up is if I was made aware of the situation and was okay with it. All of that is cool to me, except for being kept out of the loop for a week. Especially considering the nature of my flatmate's intention. Irena had no malintent in not informing me. I was stressed at the time and my flat-mate conveyed that he had genuine feelings for her - so she wanted to be sensitive and supportive to him. She honestly thought it was better to wait before telling me. When she told me she prefaced it with 'I forgot to tell you...'. I get the logic, but it triggered the hell out of me. I feel like I was put second.
At another time we were broken up, still living together, still sleeping in the same bed and being intimate, but broken up by discussion. She arranged a date with another person and told me by preface of 'I forgot to tell you...'.
Hell, the first girl I ever truly loved broke all contact with me immediately after saying 'I forgot to tell you, I've been seeing another guy for the last three months'.
I have a sensitivity around being forgotten.
I don’t know if I’m making a something out of nothing. I only know how I feel and what hurts me. It’s really hard to trust that. I’m terrified of doing the wrong thing and ruining something beautiful. All because I can’t move past something that was all in my head and didn’t matter in the first place.
Thanks for reading rant. In summary I guess;
My self-worth is crushed. I feel like I can’t explore relationships with other people. What does a chronically ill man struggling with PTSD have to offer anyone?
I feel unsafe and power-less in my relationship.
I feel alone.
Thanks for allowing me the forum to piece together my own thoughts and feelings,
Tim
