Struggling with Partner Becoming a Parent When I Don't Want Kids

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kayem

New member
My partner, who I've been with for almost two years, is having a baby. Their other partner is carrying.

I do not want to be a parent at all and never have, and I am/we are really struggling with this transition. I have a very close, romantic, and domestic relationship with my partner, and so it's hard to separate myself from something so intimate and family-oriented. And neither of us want to have hard boundaries or distance around the child, or de-escalate our relationship-- quite the opposite.

But I'm having a hard time with what it means to be so close to a parent and baby when I don't particularly want to be close to a baby, but do want to be close to their parent, feeling powerless, knowing my partner is turning away from me to something else and that I can't follow down the path they hold so dear, feeling so incompatible with my partner around the prospect of parenthood, and so on.

My relationship with my meta is suffering as we navigate this, as well. My meta is wonderful, but I'm clearly throwing a wrench into my meta's plans. I feel very very bad for drawing focus and adding complications in what is supposed to be a time of excitement and joy.

I want to support my partner, but am also feeling so conflicted myself. I'm working through a lot around this of My Own Stuff, and generally doing well with that, I think, but it's obviously just a whole lot.

ETA: I've been polyamorous for eight years, and this isn't my first rodeo when it comes to deep feelings for another partner or metamour dynamics, etc. ;)

Has anyone been in a similar situation of struggling with not wanting kids, but your partner having kids with someone else? Interested in hearing others' stories and also open to advice.
 
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Had you and your partner ever discussed this before it came to this? "Do you have/want kids" is like one of the first things people ask each other socially, right up there with "what is your name" and "what do you do for a living"? As a childfree person, I would always have this conversation if I was seriously interested in becoming involved with someone (not so much at this time in my life though).
 
As a parent myself, I think you could possibly save this relationship. When I had my children I very much lost part of who I was--- it was all about taking care of the children, especially when they were babies. I would have LOVED if I'd had another partner or best friend who could remove me from motherhood role, and help me remember who I was other than being a parent. You could be this to your meta. Take them out and do fun non-baby stuff.

You don't have to get attached to the baby in a parent role, but maybe as the child grows you can be that aunt/uncle figure or family friend. Acknowledge the child and be a safe person for them, but you don't have to participate in any parenting duties.
 
ref2018 said:
Had you and your partner ever discussed this before it came to this? "Do you have/want kids" is like one of the first things people ask each other socially, right up there with "what is your name" and "what do you do for a living"? As a childfree person, I would always have this conversation if I was seriously interested in becoming involved with someone (not so much at this time in my life though).
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Yes, we did. There were no surprises involved. I knew they were going to do this at some point, and they knew I didn't want to be a parent. Knowing it in advance doesn't make the actual transition all that much easier though.

I'm not taking on a parenting role and everyone knows that. The question though is where does that leave me when I am my partner's primary romantic partner and we want to be as close to each other as we can.
 
BirdieMakes3 said:
As a parent myself, I think you could possibly save this relationship. When I had my children I very much lost part of who I was--- it was all about taking care of the children, especially when they were babies. I would have LOVED if I'd had another partner or best friend who could remove me from motherhood role, and help me remember who I was other than being a parent. You could be this to your meta. Take them out and do fun non-baby stuff.

You don't have to get attached to the baby in a parent role, but maybe as the child grows you can be that aunt/uncle figure or family friend. Acknowledge the child and be a safe person for them, but you don't have to participate in any parenting duties.
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Thank you, yes, this is the ideal scenario!

I feel like in a few years, this is where we'll be and everything will be great. Getting to that point, though... is feeling super hard right now.
 
Hello kayem,

Sorry you are going through this difficult time. It sounds like you want to be really supportive towards your partner and meta, but it is really difficult with two babies on the way. I myself do not want to have children, and I am lucky that my two poly companions feel the same way. I can only imagine how hard it would be if my partner wanted to have a baby. I just want to wish you the best as you try to go through this difficult transition. Hang in there, you got this.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello kayem,

Sorry you are going through this difficult time. It sounds like you want to be really supportive towards your partner and meta, but it is really difficult with two babies on the way. I myself do not want to have children, and I am lucky that my two poly companions feel the same way. I can only imagine how hard it would be if my partner wanted to have a baby. I just want to wish you the best as you try to go through this difficult transition. Hang in there, you got this.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Thanks very much.

To provide some more context, there is only one baby on the way, being carried by my partner's partner. Not sure where confusion about two happened. My bad!

Also, I live with another partner, so I would not be around for a lot of the day-to-day stuff.

My meta has a plethora of support, and their third co-parent is their primary romantic partner.

My meta just told me this weekend my role in the baby shower/celebration will be to show up with a potluck dish like everyone else. I had hoped to be involved in the planning in some way. (They didn't know that, though. Although my partner did, in some regard.) My partner seems a bit unsure whether or not it's worth it to try to make that happen. I'm thinking it's not. My meta is seeming to feel very threatened and activated about my involvement in anything, which I partially understand, for sure. And I am trying to step back. But it's feeling like very shaky going for me.
 
kayem said:
My meta just told me this weekend my role in the baby shower / celebration will be to show up with a potluck dish like everyone else. I had hoped to be involved in the planning in some way (they didn't know that though, although my partner did in some regard). My partner seems a bit unsure whether or not it's worth it to try to make that happen. I'm thinking it's not. My meta is seeming to feel very threatened and activated about my involvement in anything. Which I partially understand, for sure, and I am trying to step back. But it's feeling like very shaky going for me.
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As someone who is not interested in being involved with parenting, I would feel relieved that they didn't want my help planning a baby shower. Try not to make every little thing about you. It is not about you. It will be less and less about you as time goes on. Out of one side of your mouth you're saying you want nothing to do with parenting and out of the other side you're all hurt that you're being left out. There are already *3* co-parents? Yes, you should just chill. If you think things are "shaky going" for you now, just wait until the baby is born.

I have a very close, romantic, and domestic relationship with my partner,
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Also, I live with another partner, so I would not be around for a lot of the day to day stuff.
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Which one is it? You seem to contradict yourself left and right.
 
ref2018 said:
As someone who is not interested in being involved with parenting, I would feel relieved that they didn't want my help planning a baby shower. Try not to make every little thing about you. It is not about you. It will be less and less about you as time goes on. Out of one side of your mouth you're saying you want nothing to do with parenting and out of the other side you're all hurt that you're being left out. There are already *3* co-parents? Yes, you should just chill. If you think things are "shaky going" for you now, just wait until the baby is born.

You seem to contradict yourself left and right.
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Planning a baby shower is... decidedly... not... parenting? Where I'm from, these events are typically thrown for the parent(s) by close friends or relatives. I understand and respect my meta's decision.

I am very much trying not to make it about me IRL, but I also am having feelings that I am coming to an internet forum about, so of course the focus is on my experience here?

And yes, I'm definitely conflicted about wanting to be close to this process out of love for my partner, and not wanting to be part of it because I don't want to parent. Thanks for correctly identifying the dilemma I made this thread about. That tension is in not talking out of both sides of my mouth. And yes, I am also concerned that once the baby is here my situation will be worse. But I also feel that may make some things simpler and clearer. ("How can I support you?" "Hey, thanks for washing these bottles.")

I don't see my last two statements as contradictory. So sorry my experience of feeling close and domestic with a partner but not living with them full time doesn't align with your understanding of what might be possible.

Sorry for the snarkiness, but your response seems harsh.
 
kayem said:
I don't see my last two statements as contradictory. So sorry my experience of feeling close and domestic with a partner but not living with them full time doesn't align with your understanding of what might be possible.

Sorry for the snarkiness, but your response seems harsh.
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I don't remember whether English is your first language or not, but usually when someone says they have a "domestic" relationship with someone, it means they *are* "around for the day-to-day stuff." It seems like you're using it to mean that you like to cook dinner together and snuggle on the couch with Netflix instead of eating in restaurants and seeing movies at the cinema.
 
Planning a baby shower is... decidedly... not... parenting? Where I'm from, these events are typically thrown for the parent(s) by close friends or relatives. I understand and respect my meta's decision.
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I have an idea. Offer to help clean up, or just start helping them when they start cleaning up.
 
ref2018 said:
I don't remember whether English is your first language or not, but usually when someone says they have a "domestic" relationship with someone, it means they *are* "around for the day-to-day stuff." It seems like you're using it to mean that you like to cook dinner together and snuggle on the couch with Netflix instead of eating in restaurants and seeing movies at the cinema.
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This is correct, thank you!

"Domestic partner" as a phrase is not what I meant, but that our relationship is quite domestic. Hence, wanting to be around the child to some extent, as opposed to our relationship being more about hooking up or something else.
 
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