Struggling with partner new to poly

[Veiledvortex]

Unless she is going to do something about her anxiety management, I think you eventually reach a point where you just have to put your foot down and decide.

What prevents you from setting your own timeframe? "Well, if I don't hear from you on scheduling this talk in a month, then I'm checking in to schedule it."

A month is PLENTY of time. And you get to know the next check-in -- if even to schedule a talk, and not the talk itself.

Yes, she wants zero input from me. She does not want me bringing it up again when she has asked for space on an issue. She also does not want me to check in about it before she is ready to discuss the problem. I’ve tried several of those things and I’m stuck up against a wall here, kind of.

The other choices are do not do the deck repair, redo it the same color it is already, or you pick a color and she lives with it. Giving her a reasonable timeframe to give her input on deck color is fine, but you can't have house repairs/redos pending forever either. I see it's hard for you to be decisive, but someone around there has to be.

Sorry, I think I wasn’t clear. It’s not trouble making a decision. The scenario looks like this: I ask, she says I don’t want to think about it, so I make a decision and pick a color, she then complains that it was the wrong color and I have to hear about how she hates the choice I made for the next week+.

Yes, I gave her the chance to provide input and it’s easy to say "too bad," but it’s not as easy to live with the criticism.

This is not healthy, but it’s a small part of the relationship, so I was able to ignore it before.

Understandable. Divorce is not to be undertaken lightly, which is why I suggested separate rooms.

But at the same time, what kind of marriage would this even be? This thing: "She wants to sleep in the same bed and have sex rarely (1x or 2x/mo), as well as have a say in my life and plan a future together…but does not want me to initiate any form of intimacy (sexual or not) with her and does not want to put in the effort to go on dates with me." Is that is your idea of a fulfilling marriage?

There can be a limit to your grace and a limit to your tolerance.

Yes, 100%. I can’t deal with this long term. I’m giving a grace period of a month for significant improvement. Things weren’t always this way so…we will see if this is temporary or the new normal.

 

[Ariakas]

Yes, she wants zero input from me. She does not want me bringing it up again when she has asked for space on an issue. She also does not want me to check in about it before she is ready to discuss the problem. I’ve tried several of those things and I’m stuck up against a wall here, kind of.

Ouch, I suffered with a person like this in the past. Every "traumatic" discussion resulted in distance until they were ready. That is the quickest way to ensure I just start backing out of a relationship. I would much rather take a quick conflict to resolution over a prolonged "figuring it out, so you are highly uncomfortable in perpetuity until such time as I can control the situation and I will be comfortable with your level of discomfort"

I find it highly abusive behaviour if it is overused. (taking a day or two to chill is different ftr)

Sorry, I think I wasn’t clear. It’s not trouble making a decision. The scenario looks like this: I ask, she says I don’t want to think about it, so I make a decision and pick a color, she then complains that it was the wrong color and I have to hear about how she hates the choice I made for the next week+.

Yes, I gave her the chance to provide input and it’s easy to say "too bad," but it’s not as easy to live with the criticism.

This is not healthy, but it’s a small part of the relationship, so I was able to ignore it before.

Ok, so same person that used to run away above, was also the same person that did this. Couldnt make a decision, say for dinner. I would cook dinner then she would complain it wasn't something she wanted.

Even down to dishes, she was a lazy prick, didnt do shit, dishes would pile up and she would complain I didn't do the dishes. .... but I just cooked..

So glad that relationship is dead. Her self importance was infuriating.

 

[Bobbi]

figuring it out, so you are highly uncomfortable in perpetuity until such time as I can control the situation and I will be comfortable with your level of discomfort"

THIS

 

[Juan234]

Hey, do you mind if you throw that veil away so I can call you Vortex buddy?

“She doesn't get to control you or your dating life since you can't control hers.”
-Bobbi

Fill out a bingo card with the replies she has given you. You are a very intelligent person. Inform Cherry you are going on a dating App now. Any time she protests this, start answering from the bingo card. If the bingo card is all used up, show her the door. Tough love is required. Poly is about love and Cherry does sound like she is giving you no more than a master gives an eunuch. But the above approach carried through the end may smoke out if there is any from her, which I doubt. I suspect she is manipulative, but not poly at all.

Good luck finding a two-way street elsewhere!

 

[Veiledvortex]

Fill out a bingo card with the replies she has given you. You are a very intelligent person. Inform Cherry you are going on a dating App now. Any time she protests this, start answering from the bingo card. If the bingo card is all used up, show her the door. Tough love is required. Poly is about love and Cherry does sound like she is giving you no more than a master gives a eunuch. But the above approach carried through the end may smoke out if there is any from her, which I doubt. I suspect she is manipulative, but not poly at all.

It’s possible(likely) we’re not a good fit for each other, there is definitely love and care on her side, not just manipulation…this was from my perspective and not in the greatest mindset.

She has made some attempts to solve the issues I’ve brought up…she started doing a little bit of initiating intimacy(not sex) after I said I was missing it. Not nearly what I need, but it’s a start. Similarly she has tried to go on a date with me (I say tried because it failed due to her putting herself in a bad mood unrelated to me)…and so forth.

Good luck finding a two-way street elsewhere!

Thanks! I think that might be what it comes to, regardless of the love she feels. I might have taken on too much damage to make this relationship last :/ like, the date above, she was in a bad mood all day until the night when she was supposed to meet Apple. Then she perked up and was actually excited. Which hurts.

Not because of jealousy or envy but because I’m lacking that interest in me and seeing it in real time for someone else…hurts (this feeling would be 100% opposite if I was satisfied and happy, then it’d be ‘wow, I love that you found someone who can pull you out of a funk’)

 

[Veiledvortex]

And probably final update -- I'm about 95% sure a separation is the only answer here. On to the updates:

I did, in fact, randomly find an acquaintance (call them...Kim) who was into me and whom my wife knew. She blessed us hanging out...until I said that things could possibly proceed into the relationship realm (she asked for transparency on what might happen). Once I told her, she was somewhat okay with it, not happy but not too upset.

The first thing that set her off was that I invited Kim back to our place to hang out and chat outside. (Note: We did not do anything sexual here, we just stayed outside and talked)

When I went in to say goodnight to her she said she was anxious. I said I was enjoying my convo with Kim and would be out much later. This apparently makes me a selfish asshole, because she was anxious and I did not offer to cut my time with Kim short. But this would have been ~okay with her, except I made plans to spend some time with Kim the next night as well (home around 1-2am).

This, my friends, is what killed it for her. The plans to meet up the next night. Because...it was too much too fast. After she spends a bunch of the week with her new lover, and I'm left at home alone, she's concerned that I spent two nights in a row with Kim, one not even the full night, and neither of them would have led to sex. Cherry made a big deal about it, and I rescheduled the next hang out with Kim to try to give the best chance of something working out for Cherry. Kim was understanding about the situation, but I don't feel good doing that to her, and I wouldn't do it again.

And then...to top it all off, after this, Cherry decided that she needed to stay with some friends for a few days, including the night I rescheduled. This...This tells me she's nowhere close to ready to let me be with someone else, and the whole crap she was talking before about not being comfortable with dating apps was just her way of throwing roadblocks in my way. Maybe not consciously, but it's definitely not what a supportive partner would do.

 

[Evie]

I'm glad you're seeing it for what it is. And separation is extremely reasonable. Short term pain, long term gain.