An update: I have spent some time on Fetlife. My wife and I have had many eye-opening and sober conversations. We have completely ended things w this guy, which was very upsetting for her. I felt it was necessary for the health of our relationship.
You still seem to be at odds. You say "we ended things," but she is upset. You said "I" felt it was necessary. Does she feel it was unnecessary? Is she now resentful? Has your relationship had a ding? Have your intimate moments (sexual and not) gotten less fulfilling or decreased in quantity?
We have discovered that while she did try this for me, she does live in the moment and was basically in some type of poly situation in her own mind. I don't think she fully calls it that, but she operates that way and has acknowledged that she will always grasp for the full emotional connection, even when the relationship is sexual.
I have explained that this is special to me and I regard emotions and that connection as very sacred. I don't enjoy that stuff, which is why I don't consider myself poly really. So if I want to play in this hotwife thing I have to decide going forward if I'm OK opening up my wife emotionally in this way.
You aren't opening up your wife emotionally. (You don't own her and tell her what to do, or not do. Men don't own women anymore, at least in Western culture.) She is the one that opens up emotionally. That's how she is. That's how she loves. She is demisexual. She doesn't want to have sex with someone else unless she has feelings for them. This is quite common. It sounds to me that she isn't right for "hotwifing," in the way you want to do it, since you want it to be only casual sex, and she can't do that. For her, it's poly or nothing. You won't get to fulfill YOUR fantasy of her having casual sex with others. She's not on board with that style.
Because if I do continue, I can't ask her to hold back.
Is Opening Up the best book on this topic? I see that recommended, but I didn't know if there are others. I want to do more research or study before I even consider anything else right now.
Yes, it's the most comprehensive. It is from 2008 though, so there is a bit of an issue in places with race and gender (gay stuff). But that doesn't really affect the generally good information.
I mentioned other books in my previous post. If you go to Amazon to find Opening Up, you'll see similar books recommended too.
I suggest you read more than one book over the next year, to get a well-rounded idea of what you're trying to get into. Your reading (and your wife's reading, hopefully) will give you a basis of reality on how to construct an open r'ship. Opening Up is not just about polyamory. It covers more casual, sex-based r'ships, as well (like swinging).
Another interesting helpful book is
Sex at Dawn: how we mate and why we stray. It covers the history of how humans relate sexually (going back hundreds of thousands of years), and proposes that we are all wired to be promiscuous and that monogamy is a very late concept that doesn't jive with how we were made to relate. It's not a how-to book like the others, but more of an anthropological study written for laypeople.
I hope the discussions at Fetlife are helping.
Again, try to remember you don't own your wife. She decides how to share her body and emotions. She knows what she is comfortable with. You and she are autonomous entities, with your own desires, needs, and ways of operating. You have to learn to compromise if you're going to succeed.
All that said, I feel better that she's not trying to keep talking and sharing nudes with that cheater guy. Hopefully in the future, she'll find more appropriate lovers.
