Struggling with this new type of relationship

O

OnePlus

New member
Good Afternoon

This is my first post here so bear with me if I cross any boundaries..
We are married 23 years , together 30 years with a beautiful family and a lovely life ..

As a couple we have explored alot .. we've been very lucky that our boundaries and limits have been very much in tune with each other's.
Until now ..
My wife has developed a relationship and feelings for a guy who is dominant and she is submissive in this couple.
This has been going on for almost 18 months and I've really struggled with it.. I've had some personal problems in that time so I put it down to that , and in fairness to my wife she has asked lots of times if I wanted her to end it.
So 6 months ago I said "yes , please end it" !
She didn't and now has asked if I'm ok with them dating .. and I just can't understand why I have such a problem with this dynamic 😕 I consider myself open minded and actually I feel I brought up the subject of open relationships first.. so why can't I adjust ?
Any help or insights would be very welcome.

Thank you

M
 
Welcome to the forum, M. :) Others will be along to share where all of the great resources are on here and their own experiences (I'm a newbie to the poly world).

A couple of things come to mind ~ folks on here love nicknames as it is easier to distinguish players in the story. Choose one for yourself, your wife and her other partner. I say, be as creative as you want! ;)

Also, questions you have probably already asked yourself - is this your wife's first relationship since you both agreed to open the marriage? Maybe now you're having to work through new emotions tied to that. I am guessing that saying you are open and actually living it might feel like two different things.

Has she expressed interest in the D/s dynamic previously or did this catch you off guard? Do you have personal issues with this dynamic that prevent you from being open to it, even in another couple?

When she asked if she should end it and you finally said yes (please), is there a reason she did not? She seems to check in often on how you feel (yay for communication!) but do you feel she is respecting your feelings on this?

Anyways, just some initial thoughts on your situation. Feel free to ponder or tell me I'm over analyzing. :p LOL
 
Thank you Liberty Bell..

To answer your questions..

No my wife has had numerous partners and adventures over the years, some I have been involved with but mostly on her own.
We did toy around with some D/s play ourselves but it never really had the desired effect , whatever that is..
Her current partner is a little older and very experienced and I think this brings with it a confidence .
I suppose what has really caught me unawares is my feelings towards this relationship.
I am disappointed that she asked me what I wanted yet she couldn't cut off contact.. and not just in her but in myself that I requested that from her.
It's created a wall of silence 😕
 
The evidence proves your fears were grounded.

You claim not to know what you are so afraid of. But what happened is your feelings and boundaries were shunted aside.

That's at the core of it, the security breach. Not threat. Breach.

She was pretending when offering to split with the dude. Your radar will have picked up on it. And it turned out to be a lie.

Now all of the deceptions, the victim-blaming and guilt-tripping, the manipulative behavior - you are in for all of it. Unless there is an about-face acknowledgement of the deception and some consequences that matter.

Otherwise what is she supposed to say? I lied to you and have no intention of stopping? Anything else coming out is going to be more lies.

The only potentially innocent jealousy or envy here would be that he does something better than you. Everyone does something better. Everyone has flaws. No big deal. My mistress lookes over a decade younger because she is. So what. No reason for the wife to dwell on it.

Here, the issue is treason. You can't get used to that because all you know is that you are sleeping with the enemy. What is next? You can't know. Behind that wall of silence you can be damned sure there is thinking going on. Is it thinking that will bring you joy and happiness?

Sorry this is harsh, but I figure reality-based.
 
Alternatively, your wife was in a bad spot - it sounds like she hasn't had another _emotionally intimate_ relationship - as opposed to "adventures and playmates" - in the time ya'll have been together. She offered to let you veto in a panic, but couldn't give that up. And *asking* her to give that up is not really a loving act, now is it?
 
You seem to be saying that your wife has some kinks that you are not into. Now she has found someone she trusts and can explore that side. I suspect this makes you feel inadequate in some way. Often, when one partner is kinky and the other is vanilla, the vanilla partner can feel like they don't satisfy their partner. This leads to feelings of not being good enough.

I am not a fan of veto power. I think it is unfair to all involved. You see her denying your request as being unfair to you. If she had honored your request, that would have been unfair to her and her partner. Have the two of you discussed why she chose not to honor your request? That is an important conversation to have.
 
Hello OnePlus,

In all fairness, if your wife wasn't really willing/able to end things with the Dominant guy, she shouldn't have offered (much less lots of times). A mistake on her part. When you said, "Yes, please end it," and she didn't, that was (and is) cheating on her part.

As for why you can't adjust, when it seems like you want to, it sounds like you are experiencing some insecurity. Like, there is something about this situation that scares you and/or makes you feel bad/depressed. Do you feel like you're "not enough?" Are you afraid your wife will divorce you (so she can be with the other man full-time)? What is the worst thing about this situation for you?

It sounds like you're not communicating with your wife like you used to. (Or she's not communicating with you.) You mentioned a wall of silence. Do you try to talk with her about what is going on?

I'm sorry you're going through this, it does not sound fun. :(
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you all for your genuine thoughts.
Yes this does make me feel a little inadequate I suppose.. and I look towards my life for reassurance , and I have a really good life but right now someone that has always been in my corner isn't there.. or she is and I can't trust her 😕
My wife has had 2 other meaningful relationships over the past 9 years but they were "vanilla" and I felt no threat.. so yes now in hindsight the kinky element of this is my hangup.
When she met this guy first 18 months ago we chatted about it , I was curious but seeing her obvious excitement made the conversations become masochistic in a way for me.
She's gone on a date tonight.. I hugged her before she went.. but I left the house so I didn't have to see her go.
 
It sounds like it is mostly the kink element that is bothering you here. Like maybe if this guy can provide her with her D/s needs and you can't, like maybe she won't need you anymore and will cut you loose. Does that sound like a possibility?

Are you worried about losing your marriage?
 
kdt26417 said:
It sounds like it is mostly the kink element that is bothering you here. Like maybe if this guy can provide her with her D/s needs and you can't, like maybe she won't need you anymore and will cut you loose. Does that sound like a possibility?

Are you worried about losing your marriage?
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That's sounds like a real possibility.. but no more than any other time someone new comes into our lives ?
The kink element has become evident as my main issue with their relationship, but the deceit hurts on a very deep level 😐
They went away on Wednesday night and it created huge tension here as you might guess !! But I feel a bit stronger now.. like it didn't actually kill me as I feared it might..
Maybe it's a common trait in marriages or long term relationships ? That we become comfortable in our role or position in the couple and changing that seems to effect so many norms that it's near impossible.
 
I don't know if it will help any, but I have been in a similar situation to your wife's - I am submissive but cannot be submissive to my husband. We just share so much of daily life together it takes away that whole dynamic, even if he were the best dominant in the world it still wouldn't work. So don't feel in any way that not being able to provide a D/s relationship for her makes you inadequate.

That said, D/s relationships by their very nature are intense and thrilling, and it is easy to get caught up in that excitement. However if for 18 months your wife has been coming back to you, it means she values the rest of her life as well, not just the D/s aspect.
 
Hi OnePlus,

It sounds like things have improved just a little, sometimes it's just hard when you're used to things being a certain way in your marriage, and suddenly everything changes. You just have to build up some confidence that you can get through things without it being too overwhelming for you. It'll get easier.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
learner said:
I don't know if it will help any, but I have been in a similar situation to your wife's - I am submissive but cannot be submissive to my husband. We just share so much of daily life together it takes away that whole dynamic, even if he were the best dominant in the world it still wouldn't work. So don't feel in any way that not being able to provide a D/s relationship for her makes you inadequate.

That said, D/s relationships by their very nature are intense and thrilling, and it is easy to get caught up in that excitement. However if for 18 months your wife has been coming back to you, it means she values the rest of her life as well, not just the D/s aspect.
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Thank you,
Can I ask if your partner "D" ever expressed a desire to be dominant across any other aspects of your life apart from the time you spent together.
Did he feel dominant towards your husband say ?
 
Can I ask if your partner "D" ever expressed a desire to be dominant across any other aspects of your life apart from the time you spent together.
Did he feel dominant towards your husband say ?
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No, not at all - he was quite respectful of our relationship and the time I needed to spend with my family. Is that something you're not feeling with your wife's partner? If so, it may be something specific to this person that's causing you concern rather than the D/s aspect :(
 
I do feel he is a little disrespectful maybe .. but then again my image of him is built up from sketchy bits of information that I have compiled from conversations with my wife!
And unfortunately I seem to be focusing on the bits I'm uneasy with.
His wife seemingly has no idea about his extra curricular activities and in a way although I don't like deceit I think he is protecting his "real" life from upset and chaos whereas my wife brings this out in the open and expects me to deal with it.
I don't mean to be running her down.. I love her dearly and we genuinely are soul mates and best friends 😐
 
So your wife is actually in a relationship with a cheater? Am I understanding that correctly? If that's the case, no wonder you have issues. For me, that is very much problematic because I see the people that my partners are willing to date as a reflection of themselves. So if my partner is willing to facilitate someone else lying and cheating, then it is a reflection of their own morality. And the argument that it's not their relationship and so not their place to interfere feels very much like a cop-out to accepting the responsibility that you still get to choose the type of behavior you condone and support.

For purely the D/s dynamics, I can see how that is a new hurdle that would have been different from past relationships that can cause feelings. I encourage you to examine the thoughts you mentioned before about whether or not your meta actually respects your relationship or if he tries to exude dominance over you too. Because it's not a transitive property. If he is dominant to your partner then it doesn't mean that he gets to therefore be dominant to you. He doesn't have to like you or respect you, but your wife is the person who should be having boundaries around that as the hinge. It sounds like maybe having some conversations about her relationship might actually help you. Not that you need to know all of the details, but if it would help you feel comfortable to know that she is still being respectful of your relationship when interacting with her other partner, etc. then maybe that would help?

Do you have some examples of ways in which you believe that your meta is trying to exert dominance over you as well? I think it might allow for people to provide some better insight or advice.
 
We, in the poly bubble, are prone to demonize cheating more than the greater social world - likely in an effort to markedly differentiate ourselves from the "other" kind of non-monogamy. But we have to remember that most people think of poly as insane, if they even know what it is. OnePlus's view of cheating is typical - that it's the more respectful choice for those who are trying to preserve and protect their family. Poly is seen by many (again, those who even know what poly is) as dragging the original spouse/partner into a mess in which he/she shouldn't have to be openly involved. Poly can be often perceived as incredibly disrespectful, even when we in the poly community bill this choice as "ethical" and vastly superior to cheating. I am often amazed at how quickly and easily the poly community derides cheating, whereas it's much more often overlooked and readily understood in the larger social world. Taking on lovers in the open isn't seen by everyone as the morally superior choice, so it's no wonder that "discreet" remains the popular option. Poly is often perceived (again, by those who even know of it) as flaunting one's lover, which is the height of disrespect to the spouse. It's a social contract that has been in place for millennia and it's not going to change just because a few people think it should. I'm a huge supporter (and erstwhile practitioner) of poly, but I really don't condone the vitriol about cheating. A little more understanding of why people opt for it would really serve this community.

OnePlus said:
... although I don't like deceit I think he is protecting his "real" life from upset and chaos whereas my wife brings this out in the open and expects me to deal with it.
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I agree, we demonize cheating more than is useful/necessary.
 
What’s the right amount of demonization? Is it ok to say cheating is scummy behavoir. I think any kind of lying and deceit within a marriage or relationship has a very negative effect.

If my spouse told me she was working late night after night and then I found out she was really off gambling and had lost 20k I’d feel pretty much the same as being cheated on.

I don’t know about the differentiation the larger society and the poly community but lying is lying breach of trust is breach of trust.

So should the op trust his word in regards to safe sex practices. Oh yeah he only lies to his wife about major stuff not about the occasional street hooker.
Just sayin.
 
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