This is my first post on this board, and it is a doozy- I apologize in advance.
I am married. Last year my husband and I almost divorced. I became involved with my boyfriend. My husband and I started to get back on the same page. Then he found out about my bf. He confronted me about the affair and we talked and decided to remain together. Shortly thereafter he suggested that because bf and I had such a unique and strong bond that maybe no one had to lose anyone they loved and maybe we should try poly (as a V). We all agreed we had no interest in being open. So this was the merging of two already established relationships.
Because of children and custody cycles, bf could only live here every other week. On the off weeks we would try to get together several times during the week. We would have regular meetings to determine how schedules were going and what would need to be adjusted so everyone could feel better. My bf HATES being alone, has serious anxiety about it (had never lived on his own before, basically went right from parents home to home with wife). Almost always bf would be having some sort of blow up or melt down before we would even get to the next meeting, so we would scramble to make more adjustments.
Through all this I have been trying to talk with bf about all the suggestions someone struggling with being alone usually receive. Take up a hobby, make some friends, he wanted to learn guitar so I encouraged that, making his own place homey and comfortable- basically I was totally shut down and told he isn't interested in making his alone time better his solution is to never be alone. Very early on he started talking about adding a 4th. This conversation was very volatile for us because I didn't even see us as stable at that point...every two weeks there seemed to be a meltdown. I would ask him to try the new schedules, just let them go through long enough to see if they worked as the new normal (you know- understand what they are beyond the uncomfortable transition stage)...that just ticked him off.
Anyway....follow that cycle all the way through to November with Bf continually getting more and more time with me but never really shutting up about the 4th. In Sept I had told him I didn't want to hear it again. In Sept and Oct he was unemployed and because my job is flexible he was able to spend a ton of time with me. He was offered a job in November and started getting anxious about not spending time with me before he even started. Because of his new work schedule we had all agreed that we would meet on Saturday (following the week he started) to evaluate the new schedule and determine what changes were going to need to be made.
He didn't even make it through that week, he blew up on thursday saying that if he didn't get what he wanted in the meeting that it wouldn't go well, that he wasn't going to settle for less than half any more. Then he also threw in that he wanted a fourth and she would be his primary (that tore my guts out). He later retracted she would be his primary and said he was hopeful she would spend more time with my hubby so bf could have more time with me. He said later he was just giving me a heads up what he would be asking for in the meeting so I would have a chance to process it and not have it blow up the meeting. That's not true, he was in a total anxiety driven meltdown.
We had our meeting, got as close to a 50/50 schedule as possible, I spend every other night with him. I asked him if we could table talk of the 4th until after the holidays- that would give us a month to try it and not have anything crazy during the holidays. He agreed, we would do the month then evaluate it.
He didn't make it two weeks. He blew up again, demanded a 4th or he was out. I was devastated again. I felt betrayed. I began to realize he was never entering any schedule in good faith, this was always going to be his only answer, he never wanted any other thing to work so he never really tried. I didn't want to lose him, he and I shared a very special emotional and sexual bond that was like nothing I have ever known. But with all of this, and my resentments about how everything came about our connection is terribly damaged.
SO I have been so devastated by this that I haven't slept a full night in over a month, I have started losing weight (not necessarily a bad thing) I am in constant inner turmoil and I cannot figure out how to move forward. I love him so much. I doubt we can ever be what we once were.
He says I am not willing to do what he has been doing. But he neglects to acknowledge that he and hubby didn't watch the "falling in love" phase...they were just already there, then merged. I do not want to watch him fall in love with someone else. He contends that he doesn't actually want someone else but there is no reason he should have to sleep alone. I feel physically ill whenever I think of him being intimate with another woman. He says we would still be closed but then everything would just be equal (he is obsessive about equal in a way I have never seen in anyone before), but he is not willing to be equal in other areas.
What we agreed for the 4th was that I would try to find her, because if I could make a friend and truly develop a fondness for someone then it would be much easier for me to accept her. (for those that would say he could have just had a stand alone side girl, he said he wanted someone to join our family- to be part of us). I gave my word that I would explore options in good faith, (not in the self serving sabotaging manner that he "tried" <-----ugh! I want this anger gone!)
I have been in emotional turmoil with all this to the point I have sought therapy. He has also started some talkspace therapy. Monday we have a couples session together. I am so hurt, angry, disappointed, resentful and distrustful of him that I'm not sure we even can go on. From day to day I want out, or to do whatever it takes to make it work or to just run away from everything and everyone and be alone. It's even minute to minute sometimes. Part of this has been driven by bf trying to convince me that all this really is the best solution, oh and him telling me how super happy he is with the new schedule (you know, the one he didn't give two weeks trial before issuing his ultimatum)
Enter complication: a viable 4th approaches ME. Weird part...it's a former lover of BF. She is pretty, fun, sweet, sensitive to how hard this situation is. I like her. She is a lovely person. I have never had a relationship with a woman before but I could see one with her in the right circumstances. None of my issue are with her AT ALL. She and I have had 2 dates, and have another on Saturday where my hubby will be joining us. BF has another obligation. Let me repeat, she is fine- my issue is 100% with my bf.
Thank you if you have read all of this drama, I'm sure I left a million details out. Here is where I am now:
I don't know how to drop all the resentment, disappointment and anger for bf in order to be able to move forward with him. If I can't do that then there is now question....the rest of us can move forward in whatever direction we like- together or apart.
How do you let all that negativity go? Every other minute I am reminded about how willing he was to trade his temporary discomfort for my very real pain. He was never willing to do any self work on his side- that makes me so mad because it allowed only one solution. I'm done bending- I have no desire to make even one more concession for him.
Please help me get my head straight. I want him but I also don't at certain times. My heart is broken.
I am married. Last year my husband and I almost divorced. I became involved with my boyfriend. My husband and I started to get back on the same page. Then he found out about my bf. He confronted me about the affair and we talked and decided to remain together. Shortly thereafter he suggested that because bf and I had such a unique and strong bond that maybe no one had to lose anyone they loved and maybe we should try poly (as a V). We all agreed we had no interest in being open. So this was the merging of two already established relationships.
Because of children and custody cycles, bf could only live here every other week. On the off weeks we would try to get together several times during the week. We would have regular meetings to determine how schedules were going and what would need to be adjusted so everyone could feel better. My bf HATES being alone, has serious anxiety about it (had never lived on his own before, basically went right from parents home to home with wife). Almost always bf would be having some sort of blow up or melt down before we would even get to the next meeting, so we would scramble to make more adjustments.
Through all this I have been trying to talk with bf about all the suggestions someone struggling with being alone usually receive. Take up a hobby, make some friends, he wanted to learn guitar so I encouraged that, making his own place homey and comfortable- basically I was totally shut down and told he isn't interested in making his alone time better his solution is to never be alone. Very early on he started talking about adding a 4th. This conversation was very volatile for us because I didn't even see us as stable at that point...every two weeks there seemed to be a meltdown. I would ask him to try the new schedules, just let them go through long enough to see if they worked as the new normal (you know- understand what they are beyond the uncomfortable transition stage)...that just ticked him off.
Anyway....follow that cycle all the way through to November with Bf continually getting more and more time with me but never really shutting up about the 4th. In Sept I had told him I didn't want to hear it again. In Sept and Oct he was unemployed and because my job is flexible he was able to spend a ton of time with me. He was offered a job in November and started getting anxious about not spending time with me before he even started. Because of his new work schedule we had all agreed that we would meet on Saturday (following the week he started) to evaluate the new schedule and determine what changes were going to need to be made.
He didn't even make it through that week, he blew up on thursday saying that if he didn't get what he wanted in the meeting that it wouldn't go well, that he wasn't going to settle for less than half any more. Then he also threw in that he wanted a fourth and she would be his primary (that tore my guts out). He later retracted she would be his primary and said he was hopeful she would spend more time with my hubby so bf could have more time with me. He said later he was just giving me a heads up what he would be asking for in the meeting so I would have a chance to process it and not have it blow up the meeting. That's not true, he was in a total anxiety driven meltdown.
We had our meeting, got as close to a 50/50 schedule as possible, I spend every other night with him. I asked him if we could table talk of the 4th until after the holidays- that would give us a month to try it and not have anything crazy during the holidays. He agreed, we would do the month then evaluate it.
He didn't make it two weeks. He blew up again, demanded a 4th or he was out. I was devastated again. I felt betrayed. I began to realize he was never entering any schedule in good faith, this was always going to be his only answer, he never wanted any other thing to work so he never really tried. I didn't want to lose him, he and I shared a very special emotional and sexual bond that was like nothing I have ever known. But with all of this, and my resentments about how everything came about our connection is terribly damaged.
SO I have been so devastated by this that I haven't slept a full night in over a month, I have started losing weight (not necessarily a bad thing) I am in constant inner turmoil and I cannot figure out how to move forward. I love him so much. I doubt we can ever be what we once were.
He says I am not willing to do what he has been doing. But he neglects to acknowledge that he and hubby didn't watch the "falling in love" phase...they were just already there, then merged. I do not want to watch him fall in love with someone else. He contends that he doesn't actually want someone else but there is no reason he should have to sleep alone. I feel physically ill whenever I think of him being intimate with another woman. He says we would still be closed but then everything would just be equal (he is obsessive about equal in a way I have never seen in anyone before), but he is not willing to be equal in other areas.
What we agreed for the 4th was that I would try to find her, because if I could make a friend and truly develop a fondness for someone then it would be much easier for me to accept her. (for those that would say he could have just had a stand alone side girl, he said he wanted someone to join our family- to be part of us). I gave my word that I would explore options in good faith, (not in the self serving sabotaging manner that he "tried" <-----ugh! I want this anger gone!)
I have been in emotional turmoil with all this to the point I have sought therapy. He has also started some talkspace therapy. Monday we have a couples session together. I am so hurt, angry, disappointed, resentful and distrustful of him that I'm not sure we even can go on. From day to day I want out, or to do whatever it takes to make it work or to just run away from everything and everyone and be alone. It's even minute to minute sometimes. Part of this has been driven by bf trying to convince me that all this really is the best solution, oh and him telling me how super happy he is with the new schedule (you know, the one he didn't give two weeks trial before issuing his ultimatum)
Enter complication: a viable 4th approaches ME. Weird part...it's a former lover of BF. She is pretty, fun, sweet, sensitive to how hard this situation is. I like her. She is a lovely person. I have never had a relationship with a woman before but I could see one with her in the right circumstances. None of my issue are with her AT ALL. She and I have had 2 dates, and have another on Saturday where my hubby will be joining us. BF has another obligation. Let me repeat, she is fine- my issue is 100% with my bf.
Thank you if you have read all of this drama, I'm sure I left a million details out. Here is where I am now:
I don't know how to drop all the resentment, disappointment and anger for bf in order to be able to move forward with him. If I can't do that then there is now question....the rest of us can move forward in whatever direction we like- together or apart.
How do you let all that negativity go? Every other minute I am reminded about how willing he was to trade his temporary discomfort for my very real pain. He was never willing to do any self work on his side- that makes me so mad because it allowed only one solution. I'm done bending- I have no desire to make even one more concession for him.
Please help me get my head straight. I want him but I also don't at certain times. My heart is broken.
