Struggling

M

Medic852

New member
Hi everyone. I am new here and struggling. I am a 29 year old female who has been married for 9 years. For the last four years we have been in an open relationship. I have had the same boyfriend on and off for this period of time. He is also married and in an open relationship. My marriage has had a lot of problems from the beginning and I have finally made the decision to get divorced. My secondary partner and I have been serious for a while now. After I announced that I was getting divorced my boyfriend proposed to me.

I was shocked, but very happy. His wife and I are best friends and I love the idea of us being a family. They are very close with my children and we all get along great. I'm happier then I've ever been, but I'm also feeling very stressed. I want to marry him, but I can't get over it in my head that it won't be legal when we do. I want to take his last name and I won't be able to do that either. I can't even feel happy and plan this wedding because in my head it's not real. I feel so bad just saying that. I know that it's about a commitment and not a stupid piece of paper but I cant help caring about it.

My family and friends have not all been supportive, especially my parents. I do badly want to be one of those people that doesn't care what others think, but I do. Does it get better with time? When you're in this sort of relationship do you tell people that your husband has another wife everytime? Just need some positive feedback. Thanks and sorry for the long post.
 
I'm sorry you are struggling. I don't think you have to be though.

Divorce is one major life change/stress thing. There's no real need to piggyback planning a wedding on top of it and increase your stress at this time. Why do that? :confused:

I suggest a long engagement. Or not and just thank him for asking and tell him that you appreciate it, but also tell him it's not the right time for that. It's not something you want to take on board at this time.

Don't rush into living together with them either. Perhaps part of the reason you get along so well now is because you live separately and can have space away from each other.

Especially if deep down you aren't sure you want a commitment ceremony that is not also legal. To me it sounds like you are pleased to be asked, and it's nice to think about having a new life. But it's not exactly how you envisioned your next marriage to be.

So don't rush into it. Give yourself more time to think. It's not anything that has to be solved right now.

If you still prefer to be married legally if you are going to get married again? And this one cannot be legal and doesn't "feel real" to you? Then just don't do it. Enjoy being together without doing that.

It's sounds like you have other things to solve first anyway. The divorce, then the issue of being "out,", and then the issue of finding out who of your current friends and family are actually going to be supportive of you, and then creating alternative support systems for yourself if you need them.

Part of the reason I get to be one of those people that doesn't care what my unsuppportive family thinks is because I already have other people in my life who ARE supportive -- my chosen family of friends. If something happens... I need to call someone for help, a ride, a meal, some babysitting, a kind ear, etc... I have that support.

Galagirl
 
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That right there above this post.. Yup... What she said

What's the Hurry? A divorce is a life changing event.... It takes time to find " you" who you need to be for yourself after! That alone can be stressful to some.
Take your time.. If he does care.. He'll be happy that you are sharing your state of being, your feeling stressed. I'm sure he'll be happy to wait for you to be happy and free.

The rest... Yeah... The legal stuff.. There's ways around it all! There's post around here somewhere about that kind of advice.... Look up Bluebirds advice. She shares awesome stuff.
Jm2cts

Toodles
 
Medic852 said:
I can't even feel happy and plan this wedding because in my head it's not real.
Click to expand...

Well, not being happy because the wedding isn't "real" is your choice of perspective, not something inherent to the type of ceremony. Plenty of people through the ages have joyfully planned hand fasting, broom jumping, commitment ceremonies, even though those were not lawfully recognized. So it's not that you can't feel happy, it's that right now you're opting to be unhappy - and that's the good news because it means you're not stuck. You can get happy about anything you want to get happy about, it's just a matter of finding ways to do it. Again: the message here is that you're not doomed to unhappiness over a wedding that is not recognized by state law. You're in a happy situation, so it doesn't seem that far a stretch for you to find better ways to think about this wedding so that you can feel happy while planning it - whenever that comes about. I agree with Rockit & GG that slowing down would be a good starting place for all of this.
 
Hi Medic852,

I'm very sorry you can't look forward to the kind of wedding you'd want. It really sucks that in this world at this time it's not legal to have a poly marriage. I don't think we're going to see that change during this lifetime, but I hope I'm wrong.

Other than that, I agree with the advice the others have given.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hey Medic,

Congrats on being propositioned and on having what sounds to be a pretty healthy polyamory after 4 years. I love hearing that your metamour is supportive of you. The poster Kevin above has a similar setup. Kevin's female partner has a husband, with Kevin and his metamour referring to each other as brother husbands, which I thought pretty cool. In your situation, can you imagine calling your metamour your sister wife or does that sound a bit weird for you?

I think it's normal to feel sucky that your marriage won't be 'real'. I think the hardest part is that your family won't see it as real. I don't have any advice about that except to say that's the discrimination polyamory faces today but maybe things will be different 30 years from now. Look at gay rights which has gone from criminal to majority acceptance in a similar timeframe.

I'm particularly interested in the apparent healthiness of your FMF polyamory V setup. Is it a V or a triad? There's a thread here that explores why MFM polyamory seems much more common than FMF polyamory and I wonder if you have any thoughts about that.

Finally, if marriage means moving in with him and his wife (and if it doesn't, then disregard this please), I'd consider moving in first as a trial run prior to commiting to marriage.

Best wishes,
Shaya.
 
Thanks to whoever it was that suggested my journal!

I am married to my first husband, handfasted to my second. We may not have a legal marriage certificate, but everything else is super serious with our relationship.

I did change my last name - it cost me about $300 and took less than two months. I had to go to the courthouse and fill out some paperwork and pay the money. I legally dropped my middle name, and have my second hubby's last name there.

We bought life insurance policies and made changes to retirement accounts, so we are now looking out for each other for end-of-life expenses. Second husband is my health care proxy, so both husbands have legal right to be by my side in the hospital.

Wills are currently being updated - we have been slower with that part of things than i'd like, but it's my fault, not theirs.

As far as other people not being overjoyed about the marriage - well, we rented a small little cottage through the homeaway website, for a few days. We had a private pond and waterfall, and a hot tub. :) We hired a UU church-affiliated preacher to do our handfasting, and had a professional photographer there. That was it. Us, and the outdoors. Fuck everybody else - this was for us. Even my first husband didn't attend, as I wanted this to be our special time together.

We do all 3 cohabitate, and bought a house together this past January. What has always been a positive is that we each have our own private space x 2, to retreat to if needed. Each husband has their own bedroom, and husband 1 has an office, husband 2 has an art studio. They can get away from each other when they need time. I have my game room, and space in the art studio with my craft area, but honestly, I can relax anyplace - they're the introverts! I would recommend if you do move in together, into their home, that you make sure the same applies to you. All of the shared spaces will have been designed by the two of them, without you, so all starting over together someplace would be a good idea. Or, maybe buy a house close by, and then your husband can float between the properties?

Have you thought about children with your fiancé? How does he propose to care for them financially? Is his other wife okay with those decisions? How much say will she have with how you structure your future?

Lots of things to think about, but this can definitely be done. I would let your divorce shake itself out first, and then start looking into long-term future plans and see see how it goes! I mean, at least take some time to plan the wedding you want! ��
 
Anna & I got married by her ex, in his livingroom, with our lovers (& her FWB) as witnesses. That was the whole production.

When my brother married, they did it in Vegas, costing less than renting the church would've set them back.

I'm of the view that "planning my wedding" is one of the biggest turnoffs imaginable. :mad:

There's waaaay too many women who've been sketching out this insane "once in a lifetime" :)rolleyes:) extravaganza since they were 12, poring obsessively through magazines & watching movies & hiring consultants & even taking classes, creating an ever-growing list of ways to spend Daddy's money (their inheritance) & also maybe take on YEARS of debt (that often outlives the marriage).

...rather than, say, taking a huge bite out of buying a house, or maybe paying down student-loan debts. :)

It's dicksizing on a ridiculous scale, needing to impress the relatives, make all her "friends" envious, & cadge money from EVERYONE to help pay for it all yet ALSO expect gifts.

It's a massive set of symptoms that someone's governed by unexamined assumptions & baseless fantasies of Monogamism & Romanticism, & therefore doesn't bode well for nonmonogamy (less so polyamory).

IMO, anyone who can't have a committed relationship without making a ghastly spectacle of it probably wants the show more than the person.
 
Hmmmm. I'm sorry you seem to have such a negative view of weddings. I had a blast at each of mine (I've had 3) and none of them cost me over $4000, and that included travel.

My first was when I was monogamous, and it was paid for entirely by my ex husband and I. We were young and stupid, but a plan was very much needed since we were broke. It wasn't about dicksizing and grabbing gifts, it was about celebrating with family and not ending up broke because of that. It was definitely a nod to traditionalism though - we tried to have a wedding that we thought others would like.

My second was after my subsequent divorce (9 years later) and saw me wed to DarkKnight. We eloped to Boston, where we had met at a convention a year previously. Planning was needed, because we were living in Texas at the time. We reserved a private space at an Italian restaurant in the Back Bay Area, and had our honeymoon the week BEFORE the wedding because we had to wait for our marriage license to validate and since I was working in education, we had a week off for Spring Break. Not dicksizing - we just told people the date and if they wanted to show, they did or didn't. Being alone with DarkKnight for that week leading up to our wedding (a close friend married us) was absolutely amazing.

My third was my handfasting to PunkRockAwesomesauce. We eloped to Front Royal, VA, renting a private cottage with its own waterfall and pond. We spent three days, loving each other and being blissfully happy. This required a plan, because though it was just us, I had to make reservations, hire a photographer and an officiant who were poly-friendly, and create the handfasting chords. I made all of my own jewelry too. Not dicksizing - most of my family were highly negative about it, and impressing them was not even on my radar.

I enjoyed planning each of my weddings. It was something positive and joyful to focus on, and not at all "a ghastly spectacle" of any sort. I think for each of them, actually stopping and slowing down and focusing on the relationship and each other was a bonus. Having a special event that pulls you out of the day to day, that you've spent time planning so that you are celebrating your love and each other - I wouldn't skip it.
 
Medic852,

You know who went through similar situations to yours? LBGTQ folks before legal same-sex marriage was legal throughout the US. Since legal marriage was denied to queer people, they had to figure out what a committed relationship looked like without access to that legal piece of paper. One of the things that is sometimes overlooked since same sex marriage has become fully legal in the US is that the LBGTQ communities had extensive conversations about creating a relationship in the absence of legal recognition. Not all of them thought legal marriage was the correct path for them, or for the larger community.

Take a look around the internet at LGBTQ discussions of marriage, relationships and so on, especially from before the legalization of same-sex marriage. You may well recognize similar situations to your own and get some ideas on how other people have reacted to being in your shoes (or similar).
 
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