Stuck in the middle

[Pubgirl]

I am in need of some help or reassurance or a truth telling

I am in a relationship which i have been in for 3 years, i entered a marriage of which they'd spoken about me joining before they brought the idea to me. At the time, everything was good with everyone and I joined their situation, I didn't interfere in the marriage, but i was obvious in the relationship. It has been a rocky relationship between myself and the wife (e) we were friends for a little while after this all began and then after the husband (s) became to spend more time with me and wanted to do things more with me than with (e) she broke down and couldn't cope with the situation.I have been very very understanding towards her and the situation and have put up with a lot of aggression, mental health, being spoken down to for a very long time. She has since decided that she doesn't want to be friends with me, doesn't trust me, but because we work together I was doing a lot of things for her. Basically using me to drive her around and do other things in the business that she didn't want to do. I have since stopped doing these things to prove a point.

I need to know from you guys if I have been stupid in interfering in a marriage, or if i should just put with her behavior. (s) gets involved when it gets to much but is fed up with the constant shitty behavior between the pair of us. I'm not innocent in all of this, I give the attitude back to (e) but feel that but other than talking to her when I need to, If i don't talk to her, I cant offend her in any way (this is kinda the attitude i have taken)

This is a basic account of what is happening in my life. There is so much more, but i would like some help and advise....am i in past my depth?

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle. I don't know if my impressions could help you any. FWIW, here they are.

Was this supposed to be a triad? Or a "family" or "kitchen table poly" V thing?

If this cannot be a "very separate V" where S deals with wife on that side of the V and sees you over here on this side of the V and leaves his problems with E at home over THERE? Then it might be best for you to stop participating, be nothing with these people and disband. It depends on how you are feeling about it all.

we were friends for a little while after this all began and then after the husband (s) became to spend more time with me and wanted to do things more with me than with (e) she broke down and couldn't cope with the situation.

Has she asked him to stop neglecting her?

What has the hinge (s) done to rectify this? Because he's favoring one partner (you) over the other (e.)

I have been very very understanding towards her and the situation and have put up with a lot of aggression, mental health, being spoken down to for a very long time.

Being understanding does not equal putting up with poor behavior aimed at your head.

If she is (upset that the hinge is neglecting her) why's she taking it out on you? And why do you put up with her poor behavior rather than ask her why she is taking out (her upset with him neglecting her) out on you?

(s) gets involved when it gets to much but is fed up with the constant shitty behavior between the pair of us. I'm not innocent in all of this, I give the attitude back to (e) but feel that but other than talking to her when I need to, If i don't talk to her, I cant offend her in any way (this is kinda the attitude i have taken)

I get that she might be provoking you with the acting out, but rather than give her shit back? Why aren't each of you looking to how each person contributes to the situation making?

• S neglects E in favor of you. Why not attend to all his partners appropriately?
• S doesn't get involved until you and E are at it hammer and tongs. Why not sooner?

• E takes her upset with S out on you. Why not deal with S direct? He's in charge of how he spends his time. If he's giving her lip service or neglecting her, why isn't she upset with him?

• You sound like you put up with poor E behavior until you pop and then start giving E shit back. Why not stop nip in bud and redirect E rather than putting up with it til you pop? Do you encourage them to solve their stuff and leave you out of it? Do you decline dates with him until his shit with E is sorted out?

What does "s gets involved" MEAN? Is he the type who enjoys having two people "fighting" over him? Is he adding fuel to the fire? Like he neglects her, she takes it out on you, you and her fight, he enjoys the show, and eventually he steps in to calm things down and be the "hero?" When it was him to provoked it all in the first place?

There's a certain personality that enjoys that sort of thing. Is that happening here? I cannot tell from your post.

If he's no longer into her, rather than string her along, he could end things with her.

i would like some help and advise....am i in past my depth?

Only you know your own limit of tolerance and if you are past your depth here.

I guess in your shoes?

• I would apologize to her for giving her shit in the past.
• I would ask her (if she's mad at the hinge for neglecting her) if she could please be willing to solve it with HIM rather than take it out at you.
• If he is mismanaging his time and neglecting her on that side of the V? That is not you doing it. It is HIM doing it. You cannot MAKE him do stuff. If you could, you would tell him to behave better toward her. (Maybe she needs to hear that from you.)
• If he asks you out, you say NO until things with her are solved. You do not exist to be the "bandaid" or "distraction" from their problems.

Each person carries their own baggage.

Each person seeks to problem solve, resolve conflict, and DE-ESCALATE rather then escalate situations.

Or at least I would hope they do.

Before you do stuff ask yourself if it ADDS to the problems or helps TAKE AWAY from the problems.

If she acts out at you? You cannot control that. You are not in charge of her behavior.

Giving her shit back? You DO control that, because that is YOUR behavior choice. When you reflect, you might see that it would just ADD to the problems. It does not TAKE AWAY or help solve them when you give her shit back. So you might choose to do something else.

If you guys cannot figure out how to solve this shit together? Then you can solve it for just YOU and bow out. No more shit for you then.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Pubgirl,

I think the husband S is actually the problem here, even though the wife E is the one making all the noise. S is neglecting E by giving you the lion's share of the attention. Why is he doing that? Does he not love E anymore? Why not? Can it be fixed? If not, why's he stringing her along? He should either start giving her more of his time and attention (like he was before), or he should divorce her. Thus he is the main problem here.

Admittedly, you and E play a part in this drama too. E goes off on you, when S is the one that is treating her badly. She should be asking S the hard questions, not going off on you. As for your role, you are going along with his neglectful behavior and accepting the lion's share of his attention. If you really want the problems to stop, tell him that you are going to break up with him or at least pull away unless/until he does right by E. Rather than centering your attention on striking back at E. As for E herself, you could tell her that you wish she would talk to S about his neglect of her.

You are in a frustrating position because you are not causing the problem, yet you are being made the scapegoat for E's wrath. S and E are not stepping up to the plate, so you will have to make the first move. Sucks that they've put you in that position, you shouldn't have to be the one solving all the problems, but, that's the position they've put you in. You can put an end to the standoff by refusing to play your role in it.

I hope that things will improve for you. I encourage you to keep us posted on your situation; this way we can give you updated advice.

Regards,
Kevin T.