Stuck

[Do11face]

I joined this forum so I could have a safe place to discuss this. I'm at a loss.
Husband and I opened our marriage 4 years ago. Like many, we set about this by making a lot of rules that over time we found to be unnecessary or impractical.

2 main rules still remain though:
1) full consent. We must all know about the other relationships. If he or I enter into a new relationship of any sort we tell the other person. It's important that all parties have full consent. Can't have consent if you don't know about something.
2) This may not be for everyone, but both of us agreed that it is important to us that all parties get along in a healthy manner. I don't have to be BFF's with my meta, but no animosity needs to be present. This goes all ways.

Well, due to a lot of circumstances, husband grew very distant from me over the past 8 months. About this same time, he started talking to someone. I was so happy he found someone he liked and that liked him, as this was something he'd struggled with. I have a boyfriend of nearly 4 years (I met him just after we opened our marriage). He and my husband have become good friends. I wanted him to have a similar experience. So I tried. She wouldn't talk to me. He started becoming weirdly possessive of his phone. I tried not to think about it too much. One night, he went to her house for a party. He promised to be home by 1am. 1am rolls around and he was no where to be found. I didn't know her address, I only knew the town she lived in, which was over an hour away. I was scared something happened to him on the way home. I didn't have her phone number, and he wasn't answering his phone. Frantically, I tried looking up her address. I eventually logged into his facebook to find her address or phone number in their messages so I could contact her to see if he was still there or if I needed to drive looking for him. What I found killed me. How hatefully they talked about me. How he wanted to leave me. How she said things like "f*** that b**** spend time with me". And there was so much more. Things were so bad.
This let to a lot of things, and we eventually committed to working things out. The problem is, I don't think his relationship with her is healthy in regards to our relationship. I feel it's toxic. At best, she won't talk to me. He refuses to even speak to her about how she spoke about me. He refuses to end that relationship. The mention of her name is painful to me. It brings back the memories of all of that.
I have found out also he was having similar conversations with other people I didn't even know about. Sending nudes and talking crap about me, but none were awful about me like she was. But those other "relationships", I had no idea about them. These are things we need to work on, I know. But am I totally out of line to not want to coexist in a relationship with him when he has a relationship with that chick?
Oh, it turns out that at that party he got drunk and she asked him not to leave until morning. So he didn't.

 

[powerpuffgrl1969]

I understand how you are very angry at this woman for saying cruel things about you, but what you need to realize is that she got ALL her information from your husband! She doesn't even KNOW you!

Yes, I would have my back up about my partner choosing to be with someone who speaks so disrespectfully of me, but I think you are letting your husband off the hook far too easily as he was a willing and active participant in tearing you down. He spoke badly of you with other people as well. Why in the world would you still want to be with him?

As Dan Savage would say, DTMFA.

 

[Dagferi]

Look she got her information about you from HIM.

Your anger is misplaced. He is the issue here not your metamour.

 

[breathemusic]

I agree with the other poster. Of course, if you want to stay in a relationship with your husband for whatever reason, that is your right. But she likely said all of those hateful things because she was being told many terrible things by him. If your partner or a good friend told you all about someone and described them as an awful person, wouldn't your natural reaction likely be to say "wow, yeah, that person is just the worst!" and agree with them?

Not saying that makes what she said ok, or that you have to forgive her. But this started with him. The fact that he doesn't correct those things now would seem to indicate that he's really not sorry he said them. In which case, why continue to be with someone who isn't willing to be supportive of you?

As for any sort of relationship with her, you can't make her like you, or even tolerate you. All you can do is set your own boundaries and decide if you're willing to continue to be in a relationship with someone who breaks agreements, since one of those agreements was everyone getting along.

 

[Magdlyn]

Much much more important than your metamour's opinion of you, is your HUSBAND'S opinion of you. Why on earth has he "grown distant" from you? Why is he telling his gf he thinks you're a bitch he doesn't want to spend time with?

If you want to stay with this man, it sounds like couple's counseling is in order. He's a terrible hypocrite at the very least, and a mean lying cheater at the worst.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Do11face,

It sounds like your husband has been saying nice things to your face, while saying terrible things about you behind your back. It matters that he grew distant from you. You need to get to the bottom of that if you are going to stay married to him. How does he really feel about you? Why has he been telling people terrible things about you? Why did he grow distant from you? Is he still distant from you now? What's the status?

You no longer consent to his relationship with the one chick, and he refuses to give that relationship up. You are certainly within your rights to break up with him for that reason. It's about what you can live with.

One could argue that he is breaking both of the rules that you and he had agreed to. One, he is having relations with people he did not tell you about. Two, he is retaining a partner that does not get along with you. Technically, he's cheating. But more important is that he is holding you in low esteem. Is he willing to see a marriage counselor with you? and even if he is, is this even a marriage that you want to save?

You are in a tight spot; I don't envy you.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[KC43]

The only justifiable thing your husband and your meta did was him staying at her house when he got drunk, since driving under the influence is never a good idea, not to mention being against the law.

Some people might say that you had no business going through your husband's messages, that he and your metamour are entitled to private conversations. In general, I would agree with that, but it sounds like you weren't snooping, you were looking for specific information out of concern about your husband, so I would consider that a valid reason.

I'm sorry you found out the way you did that your husband is saying these horrible things behind your back. As the other posters have said, *he* is the one to blame here. Your metamour hasn't met you, and so only knows what he has told her, plus you say he's had similar conversations with others. While there's no excusing what your metamour said, the trash-talking originated with your husband. Of course he won't talk to her about what she said about you; she only said it because of what HE said.

Is he owning any responsibility for saying those things? Has he apologized in any way? Has he acknowledged he was wrong, or given any explanation as to why he's saying these things?

In my opinion, your question shouldn't be whether you can continue in your marriage if he continues his relationship with your metamour; it should be whether you can continue in a marriage to a man you know has repeatedly lied to you and said awful things about you to people you don't know, who are then forming their opinions of you based solely on what he says, and who has apparent told at least one of these people that he doesn't want to be married to you. Why would you even consider staying in a marriage where you know he has these thoughts and feelings about you?

 

[vinsanity0]

I am curious as to how your husband explained this. Perhaps he feels he needs to badmouth you to other women in order to keep them around? Definitely not poly thinking.

I dated a woman who tried to badmouth my wife. I think she was doing it to make herself feel better, like she would be more important in my life. I also think she was hoping I'd break up with my wife. I had to set her straight.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry to hear all this.

Sounds like husband broke both rules/agreements.

1) He did not inform you about some of these other relationships he's having.

2) (His relationship with you) is not healthy if he's keeping secrets, not spending time with you, going around bad mouthing you to other people, and he doesn't say or do anything about it when people are talking down about you.

I can see you aren't crazy about the new GF, but at the same time? What makes his behavior toward you so great that you want to continue to try to repair anything here? This seems like a pretty big rift.

These are things we need to work on, I know.

Why "we?" So far I'm not seeing where YOU need to work on anything. You didn't peek in his phone to be a sneak. You were worried about his well being.

What's HE going to do about breaking your 2 agreements?

What are you doing to do for natural consequences if he does nothing? Are you going to walk away?

But am I totally out of line to not want to coexist in a relationship with him when he has a relationship with that chick?

You are allowed to say "No,thanks. I don't want to be in a poly network that includes this chick." Then you bow out. You aren't telling him to dump her. You are telling him YOUR limitation, what YOU can deal with. And you take care of you. If you cannot deal with being in a network that includes her? You can leave that network. Get off the bus.

Could also say "No. I'm not willing to be in a network that includes a partner who behaves this way toward me -- breaking agreements and bad mouthing me to others." and you bow out because you don't want to be in a network with HIM.

Oh, it turns out that at that party he got drunk and she asked him not to leave until morning. So he didn't.

Better he stay put than drive drunk, but still. One of them could have texted out of courtesy so you don't worry he drove into a ditch or something.

If it's that he wants to leave you, but he wants you around like Plan B while he's still "shopping" for the new partner...

I guess that works ok for him.

But that doesn't sound like a great deal for you.

I suggest you do some soul searching and decide if you want to keep investing in this to see if it will turn around or if you will cut your losses here. Not easy choice.

Galagirl