Success on OkCupid?

K

KGMlove

New member
I saw the message thread and found it interesting but didn't want to go off on a tangent on there.

My husband and I are in a new Open Marriage. My husband is on OkCupid and already found someone. Should I join too? I want to know who all here has had success with it (esp as a female). And how often do you get messages from people? Will I be totally overwhelmed or is it limited since people will see I am in an Open marriage?

I would prefer to find people naturally in "real life" but I am currently a stay at home mom (not very sexy) and don't get out much at all. I will say I am not as motivated as my husband so it's not a huge rush for me, but i am curious to start seeing who all is out there (locally).
 
Heh, as a woman, you will probably get a whole lot of messages, mostly duds, but ...

I didn't have much luck on OKC, but hey I'm a guy.
 
Thanks. by success I mean nice guys who turn into dates. I'm just trying to decide if this will be worth it. I mean I want to meet people and it's hard when I don't get out much but at the same time I know I will be fielding strange emails.
 
I met both my current long-term boyfriends through OKC (just passed the 4 year mark with one, and the other is coming up to 4 years in December).

I haven't had too many of the eyerollingly bad timewaster messages everyone posts in the "Most recent messages" thread due, I suspect, to being quite blunt in my profile. That said, there are some... interesting... people out there, many of whom need to be locked in a box and fed through a hole in the top until they learn the basics of acting like a rational adult. As a female human on a dating site it is likely that many of these people will send you messages. Treat them as a form of performance art and don't burn yourself out trying to work out what you've done to deserve them.
 
When I'm in the looking mode, I activate my OKCupid profile and I get lots of responses, mostly nice. In my profile I'm openly married and poly - it's front and center. Then I write a lot about who I am and what I'm into, etc. I get many messages and "hey"s from guys (and a sprinkle of women) with whom I don't see any connection, but I have also gotten some fabulous messages from guys who I otherwise would never have had the opportunity to meet. I've dated a good handful and two are in my life right now on a consistent basis. OKCupid works if you're open to possibilities. For women, it's a seller's market and if you're not overwhelmed by that and if you develop a strong sense of who you are and who rings your bells, OKCupid can be a tremendous opportunity to meet mutually enriching real people.

I also have to rave about the Word With Friends phone app Community Match. You play WWF and find partners who live in your vicinity. The chat feature enables you to talk on and off casually during your games, so there's no dating pressure. If mutual interest develops then you can take it further to texting, the phone and meeting, but the purpose of the app is to play WWF so it's at heart a fun pastime. I find the vibe light hearted and affirming. I've developed a special friendship with one guy in particular who I'll be meeting in person for the first time tomorrow. I'm excited! It feels like any other naturally developing friendship.
 
I don't get a huge number of messages on OKC. In 2014, I had the profile active for a little while, only got five or six messages, and only one was enough to get me to strike up a conversation. (The rest were "hi" or something of the kind.) I met up with the one guy, who turned out to be a dud for me. Then I met someone on a different site, started a relationship with him, and deactivated my OKC profile.

After that relationship ended in August, I reactivated my profile. Still barely got any messages, but within a week or so, I heard from two guys I was interested in meeting. One turned out to be another dud; the other was my FWB for a few weeks but that's now no longer a thing. I've met another guy on there, first by messaging and then in person, with whom I think I'll have a good friendship, but nothing more. I was conversing with three or four other guys; one arranged to meet me this weekend but I canceled (and now wish I hadn't; I thought I had other plans but apparently I'd misunderstood), and the other three have stopped messaging or responding to me.

I know a lot of people have good luck on OKC. Personally, I've had far better luck on AdultFriendFinder, even though in general it isn't particularly poly-friendly. I met Hubby there, I met both of the boyfriends I've had so far there, and I've met another guy there who I met in person for the first time the other night, and with whom there might be an ongoing thing if we can figure out how to work around the fact that neither of us can bring partners home.
 
I have far better luck in real life than with online dating.

But I have a low tolerance for mindless chatter and bs.
 
I think that you're more likely to find success on okc if you know what you are looking for.

I tried it a few years back when I was first discovering myself, got hits by lots of varying people, but didn't follow up on any.

Then this May I tried it again, but with a much clearer idea of what I wanted. Within a couple weeks I had lots of hits, consisting of guys looking for three ways, one night stands, curious about poly, and a couple guys that seemed to fit what I was looking for, though I pursued only one. Just not enough time in my life. :/

I didn't take the initiative with messaging any, as I was intending to only browse until June. Apparently putting a chicken in your profile picture is a conversation starter. :p
 
Dagferi said:
I have far better luck in real life than with online dating.

But I have a low tolerance for mindless chatter and bs.
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One reason I became so interested in two of my current partners is because their OKC messages were incredibly engaging and thoughtful and we quickly developed a beautifully written back and forth. Online dating can start out genuine and thought provoking, depending on who is talking. I think there is a stereotype that online dating messages are superficial cocktail chatter, but my experience has been the opposite. When I'm in there, I've always got my antennae up for people who are ready to be real and I have found a nice handful who are very rewarding to interact with in writing and even more so in person.
 
I have an active OKC profile though I feel polysaturated right now - and concentrate on finding new poly friends online. There are some ongoing conversations I am having on OKC and have found staying there worth it. I don't get that many messages at all, probably since the time I spend online on OKC is very limited.

About my successes... I have been contacted by some really nice people who are in for what I have to offer. Also, I have initiated a few conversations there and those have been nice, too. And yep, was never really looking for new sexual partners but alas, there is this one guy I have met a few times and had sex with... and he seems to be someone who might stay in my life as a friend (with benefits). Have made some platonic friends, too, people who visit my home every now and then and people to have fun with.

To me OKC has been a pleasant experience.
 
A friend of ours found success on there recently and she couldn't be more happy. She started talking to a guy on there who was also looking to be in an open relationship. They moved to Words With Friends, then the phone and they went out on dates. She was skeptical at first and got a lot of messages, but this one guy just lit a fire for her. We haven't met him yet, but the way she talks about him, she really likes him. She said he is so sweet and genuine and they shared so much about their lives. She wants us to meet him soon.
 
Since I made this post I ended up signing up after all. Wow, I do get a ton of messages! I mostly ignore them because I can tell right away that they are duds. However I did have two guys message me and one of them wants to meet for coffee next week! (and another guy does too but I haven't replied to him yet). I think I will like this as long as I don't let the volume of messages get to me. I know I can go and delete them.
 
Lately I have been getting dozens of messages a week. I don't know why that is. I've posted a smattering of them on the thread here about "Post your recent okc messages."

Almost ALL the messages are obviously from guys who just look at my profile pic. Just the one on my main page, not even the 5 others on there. Almost ALL the messages are from guys out of state or in a distant country, Algeria, Turkey, England, etc.

Almost ALL of them say "Hi, how are you," or something similar. Some are poorly written spam. Some of them are from young men who say "Cum online?" or something else disgustingly sexual.

Hardly anyone ever refers to something specific from my profile, and tells me why they think we have things in common. Some guys say they liked my profile, but it's obvious they haven't read it, when I see what a low match they are. They are looking for a soul mate, they are devout Christians, they don't realize I am poly and living with my gf. And I mention all that in the second paragraph of my profile!.

But for every 20 or 30 boring or gross messages, one good one might sneak through.

I thought all us women were getting these kinds of messages daily. Is it just me? I know more attractive women get more messages, but I am no supermodel. I take good pix of myself from flattering angles, or pix that others have taken of me that are good.

So, anyway, I am currently seeing 2 men and 1 woman from OKC, and have a first date with another tonight, and I have had a good handful of relationships from OKC. Still with my gf after 6 1/2 yrs, had another relationship for 2 1/2, one for 2 years, and several of six months or more.
 
I had a lot of success, and I wasn't spammed at all, but I was on OKC as a woman seeking a woman. I think my experience was probably vastly different.
 
I thought all us women were getting these kinds of messages daily. Is it just me? I know more attractive women get more messages
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No, it is not just you. I do not get the "Hi, how are you?" messages daily, but definitely weekly. These guys really often are from a distant country. About the looks: I do not show my face in the only one picture I have on OKC, and that might explain why I am not flooded with the messages. So obviously it is enough to be a woman (looking for men).
 
I have often said that being active on OKC is like having a second job. Sometimes it feels like a lot of work! It was quite different from how it is now, back when I first joined. You could give people "awards" after meeting them, like Great Date or Smarter than your Average Bear, and those would be displayed on their profiles, which was fun, and a good conversation starter. There was also a Journal function, which added a tab to your profile, and you could engage in some great conversations in those Journals, and get to know people by favoriting their Journal. I know that the Journaling community there also used to organize regional get-togethers. It was more about socializing than dating. After Match bought OKC, they got rid of the awards and journals and revamped the site.

When I was actively looking for guys to date, I got lots of messages. Lots and lots. It took work to sift out the good ones with potential but there were quite a few that I liked. I tend to be cautious and like to communicate back and forth a bit before meeting someone in person, so in my first year or so, I averaged 2 to 3 dates a month, which I think was pretty good for a woman in her 50s, who is plus-sized with totally grey hair (I weigh about 25 lbs less now, and went back to dying my hair). Some duds, but some really great guys, too. No long-lasting relationships came out of it, but some good friendships did.

More recently, the stupidity of most messages I received began to get to me, and so I took the down any pics I had that showed my face clearly. I still get guys telling me they love my smile, so it's obvious they're not reading my profile or even looking at the pics. They're just bulk-sending messages to all women who pop up in their feed.

I have no problem meeting guys in social situations in the real world, and often date guys I meet in my neighborhood or near my job. I rarely login at OKC anymore, but once in a while will do so. I have been thinking about getting active on there again. Even with all its flaws, and even without a face picture, a nice married poly guy contacted me this past summer and we had a couple of pleasant dates. It didn't get any farther than that, but that's okay because I keep my expectations low and don't mind dating just for the fun of it, without the need for it to turn into a relationship. I still think OKC is a fairly decent way to to meet people.
 
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I've come to the conclusion that my natural social awkwardness must come across in the few messages I send on OKC, because most of the time even the guys who say they answer all messages don't answer.

I wish I had social situations in which I could meet people, because even though I get awkward and anxious in those situations, it apparently doesn't show as much as it does when I'm trying to compose an initial message to some guy I know nothing about.
 
Yes, I hate the pressure of having to word things just right so we can impress someone. That being said, most of the guys I have messaged have replied right away and started a decent conversation. And a couple of guys initiated contact and I replied because they seemed like nice guys. I'm surprised that I already have a date for next week. It's been harder for my husband. He is great at sending really nice, friendly messages and I'm surprised that only one person has replied to him. Maybe I am different in that I tend to reply to anyone who seems decent? of course that could end up coming back to bite me if I get too many guys wanting to go out on dates! lol. I have already had three guys ask to go out for coffee.
 
KGMlove said:
I'm surprised that I already have a date for next week. It's been harder for my husband. He is great at sending really nice, friendly messages and I'm surprised that only one person has replied to him. Maybe I am different in that I tend to reply to anyone who seems decent?
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It's always going to be different for him than it is for you. First of all, he's married, and that will narrow down the pool of women who will have anything to do with that sort of thing! Yes, there are plenty of poly women on OKC, but still a lot of them don't want to date anyone who is married/partnered because they want to avoid the potential fallout from any possibility of couple privilege. Also, guys in general tend not to get many replies from women, for any number of reasons. Because most women are so inundated with messages, it can be hard or take a long time to weed out the crap and find the good ones. Could be that some of the women have a policy of not replying to messages that say [fill in the blank], or they haven't logged into the site in a really long time, or the profile is fake.

If his messages reference something in her profile and come off as upbeat and intelligent, with some sense of humor, that's a good start. His profile should be appealing, he should answer lots of the questions, and have good, clear pictures that do not include shirtless ones of his torso taken in a smudgy bathroom mirror. He'll get replies eventually.
 
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Attend events that interest you. Join meetup groups..

I met Murf at a car cruise in. I went with my best friend of 20 years. I drove his 1970 Nova there and my best friend has his deuce coupe. I got to drive the Nova as a test run after we put a new engine in. Murf struck up a conversation with me about the car the rest is history.

I am an outgoing introvert. I have no issues going to events alone. I can dine alone go to movies alone.. Between known to go jump into my car solo or with my dog and see where I end up for the day. I have met awesome people that way. They just start a conversation... Lol
 
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