Successful mono/poly pairing that isn’t marriage? Advice needed!

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi Aejay,

It sounds like you were able to get good closure, with the most recent conversation you had with him. I am glad to hear that. I hope he will still be willing to be your friend.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
It's ok not to compromise on the things you really want/value.

For me it goes a step further, any relationship that requires I compromise on something I value is beneath me. I know that in traditional relationships the idea of compromise is touted as a high virtue, but I'm not interested in traditional relationships, I am interested in good relationships.

Instead I propose only having relationships that exist in the natural mutual overlap of two people. Where there isn't natural overlap, trim down the relationship until only overlap exists.

  • They are obsessed with Dr Who and I think it sucks, trim out Dr Who viewing nights. Maybe we can actually watch something we BOTH like.
  • They love to peg with a strapon and I don't want a strapon up my butt, trim the strapon. Maybe we can have sex that we BOTH enjoy instead.
  • They need traditional attachment and I need solo style independence, trim the romantic aspects of the relationship. Maybe we can have relationships where we BOTH are actually enjoying it instead

Relationship compromise is one of those things that doesn't make a lot of sense but people still hold it as a high value, and recommend it to others. As a member of a society we just get so used to hearing it's a good thing that we instinctively treat it that way. Personally I've never seen that it does anything but make sure that everyone loses, and resentment has fertile ground to flourish.

So last night I went to break the news to him that I am not compromising any part of my secure lovestyle, to meet him in some arbitrary middle ground that is insecure ground for me, and also for him.

Now you can both continue your search for romantic partners you have fundamental overlap with. I'm so glad to hear that you are taking care of yourself. I hope that others read your story and follow your fine example.
 

Aejay

New member
For me it goes a step further, any relationship that requires I compromise on something I value is beneath me. I know that in traditional relationships the idea of compromise is touted as a high virtue, but I'm not interested in traditional relationships, I am interested in good relationships.

Instead I propose only having relationships that exist in the natural mutual overlap of two people. Where there isn't natural overlap, trim down the relationship until only overlap exists.

  • They are obsessed with Dr Who and I think it sucks, trim out Dr Who viewing nights. Maybe we can actually watch something we BOTH like.
  • They love to peg with a strapon and I don't want a strapon up my butt, trim the strapon. Maybe we can have sex that we BOTH enjoy instead.
  • They need traditional attachment and I need solo style independence, trim the romantic aspects of the relationship. Maybe we can have relationships where we BOTH are actually enjoying it instead

Relationship compromise is one of those things that doesn't make a lot of sense but people still hold it as a high value, and recommend it to others. As a member of a society we just get so used to hearing it's a good thing that we instinctively treat it that way. Personally I've never seen that it does anything but make sure that everyone loses, and resentment has fertile ground to flourish.



Now you can both continue your search for romantic partners you have fundamental overlap with. I'm so glad to hear that you are taking care of yourself. I hope that others read your story and follow your fine example.
I absolutely agree with you, and would never compromise on my values or boundaries.
We are navigating a new style of relationship together that isn’t based on romance but on our mutual interests.
Now we are also navigating to possibility of a D/s connection that aligns with both our values and personal boundaries.
It’s tricky, but we are staying focused on our similarities, choosing love over fear and staying very transparent with our vulnerabilities.

What I initially thought was an epic disaster (it was romantically...), is turning into a beautiful connection between two people who are similar in every way, EXCEPT romantically! Never navigated something like this before, and enjoying all the growth it’s bringing both of us, being quite in love and not romantically committed, but deeply connected.
 
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