Successful mono/poly pairing that isn’t marriage? Advice needed!

Aejay

New member
I came here to ask about mono/poly dynamic, and if it can work or not. I am solo poly Getting close to 10 years now. The one I am falling in love with is mono, and is also quite in love with me.
It’s already causing a lot of friction, and I am feeling like I cannot meet his needs at all, for the secure attachment he seems to require. I am solo poly, and don’t have a primary/secondary structure because I don’t want one, however I do have solo poly partner of 8 years.
I have been super upfront about my lovestyle, what works for me and what doesn’t so there’s no guesswork or wondering on his behalf. I pointed out that we aren’t really very relationship compatible with such opposite lovestyles, but he says he’s open to trying something new...
He is quite persistent about us “giving it a shot”, even though he clearly isn’t comfortable with poly... he says he is “open to Exploring this”, and “wants to see where this could lead”, even though he has issues around me having sex with my current long term poly partner.
To me it sounds really confusing, on the one hand he isn’t comfortable with my lovestyle, and on the other he still wants to push forward into a relationship and “deal with things as they come up”.
For me, the first thing has already come up, and that’s the fact that he isn’t poly, and I am no mono, and that if he wants to be in a relationship, then all I have to offer is a solo poly, non-hierarchical love relationship. He seems to be pivoting between really wanting to be with me, and resenting me, saying things like “it’s all on your terms”, and “I am having to really stretch myself to meet you, and you aren’t meeting me.”
The thing is, I can’t meet him in that mono way, there’s no question for me around that, and I have admitted that I cannot honour his need for that kind of relationship. Still, he wants to try??
Does anyone have any wisdom, or can see through the bullshit here?
I am a bit blinded by falling for this man, but we haven’t even fucked yet, and it’s feeling a little hopeless to me, or am I just being the asshole??
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
Staff member
Give him a copy of Polysecure by Jessica Fern.

Sorry to keep this so short, I'm exhausted but this is the first thing that sprang to mind.

Second thing is that if he doesn't stop with his whining, run.

I did say I'm tired lol.

Evie
 

Aejay

New member
Thank you, I will try that. So far he said he isn’t interested in reading up on anything. Thank you for replying even though your exhausted. I appreciate it.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I mean this kindly, ok? I could be wrong in my impression.

But I think you might be letting your soft feelings for the guy center him and his stuff rather than centering your own. If you think you are behaving love blinded, are experiencing some bullshit, and think this is hopeless and not really a runner for dating? That's not "joyful yes" consent to date. Could keep your life simpler and end it.

With regrets, maybe, but end it to spare both you and him any more dragging it out.

For me, the first thing has already come up, and that’s the fact that he isn’t poly, and I am no mono, and that if he wants to be in a relationship, then all I have to offer is a solo poly, non-hierarchical love relationship.
Is he pressuring you to do stuff you don't want to do?

If you already told him "No, we don't match. You want mono, I do solo poly" and rather than accept your no? He still wants to go there and is here pressuring you to agree?

Well, it doesn't matter if HE still wants to go there. This isn't a 1 person yes thing. Two people dating is a 2 people yes thing.

And if YOU don't want to go there? It doesn't happen. You do not HAVE to agree to date him. If you were not firm enough? Could be firmer about the "no, thanks" and just end it. Then move on.

To me it sounds really confusing, on the one hand he isn’t comfortable with my lovestyle, and on the other he still wants to push forward into a relationship and “deal with things as they come up”.
This is his inner conflict. Not yours. You do not have to take it on board for yourself.

You don't sound confused in your own self. You are solo poly. You don't want to date a mono person.

If he is upset that you don't want to date and won't give him access to you? That's his emotional management and his responsibility. Most adults know how to handle feeling disappointment in dating. After all, not everyone you date is gonna be a runner. That's kinda what dating is FOR. To sort out the compatible ones.

He seems to be pivoting between really wanting to be with me, and resenting me, saying things like “it’s all on your terms”, and “I am having to really stretch myself to meet you, and you aren’t meeting me.”

Why would you be obligated to meet him halfway if you don't want to date at all? Are you his counselor? Why are you still here listening to all this?

If he still wants access to you even though it doesn't match for dating and he's pressuring you? Isn't that him wanting things all on his terms then?

If things don't line up after a date one shakes hands and says "Thanks, it was nice to meet you. Too bad we don't line up. Wish you well!" and each you go off to date the next person.

He could be responsible for his own well being. He could honor his personal limits and NOT stretch trying to make a kite that won't fly, fly anyway.

Or if he wants to make you responsible for his feelings or responsible for him doing stretching behavior? Fine.

Say "I'm sorry. You are right. I don't want to make you stretch. I'm ending it. Then you don't have to stretch any more."

And walk away.

This is one of my particular turn offs -- people acting like they are doing stuff they don't really want to be doing "and sacrificing for me" when I didn't even ask them to. And then expect me to "sacrifice back" or something foolish like that.
  • I don't want to jump off this 10 story high bridge -- I still want us to try! Why won't you meet me half way? Let's jump off a 5 story one! I'm willing to give! Why aren't you?!
  • I don't want to eat peanut butter I'm allergic to -- I still want us to try! Why won't you meet me half way? It could just be half a sandwich! I'm willing to give! Why aren't you?!
  • I don't want to share bareback sex when I just met you -- I still want us to try! Why won't you meet me half way? How about with a condom? I'm willing to give! Why aren't you?!
  • I don't want to date at all. I want solo poly and you want mono -- I still want us to try dating! Why won't you meet me half way? How about I do stuff I don't really want and you do stuff you don't really want? I'm willing to give! Why aren't you?!
When the easiest solution is "We just don't have to do stuff together." Then nobody has to be over stretching or bending into pretzels at all.

The thing is, I can’t meet him in that mono way, there’s no question for me around that, and I have admitted that I cannot honour his need for that kind of relationship. Still, he wants to try??

Green is your part. Honor your own self. End it with him and skip the drama.

This blue part? That's him not wanting to take "No" for an answer. And if he wants to keep on doing the blue part even after you leave? That's his business. He can keep on wanting to try to the sky.

When you already know he would not happy doing it, he's bending into pretzels now, he won't read or prepare or learn about poly reality... What about this deal makes him sound like an awesome mono-poly partner?

Look at this sentence.

Does anyone have any wisdom, or can see through the bullshit here?
I am a bit blinded by falling for this man, but we haven’t even fucked yet, and it’s feeling a little hopeless to me, or am I just being the asshole??

It sounds like you know isn't gonna be a runner. There's some bullshit going on. You think it is hopeless anyway.

So... what else is there for you to do but part ways?

If what you need validation on YOUR feelings or you being in this situation? Willing to give it.
  • Yes. It stinks when someone tries to pressure you into doing stuff you don't want.
  • Yes. It stinks when someone tries to make you be responsible for their emotional management.
  • Yes. It stinks when you kinda like someone at first, but then they show you poor behaviors and you now like them less when you really wanted to keep liking them.
  • Yes. It stinks when you kinda like someone, but you know it isn't gonna pan out and you have to break up.
  • Yes. Dating is sometimes hard.
I am guessing. But if you wanted something else validated? Willing to do that if you can articulate.

But no. You aren't the asshole for being solo poly and not wanting to take up with a mono person who doesn't really want to be doing mono-poly.

Isn't your job to "carry" them and you don't have to sign up to be their "experiment person."

Galagirl
 
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Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
It sounds like he just wants to have sex with you and so he is saying things he doesn't really mean. ("I want to try. I will deal with things as they come up.")

If he's already uneasy and jealous knowing you have sex with your long-term partner, he's definitely not a good match with you.

You're not "an asshole." Being poly is not being an asshole. Sheesh.
 

Aejay

New member
I mean this kindly, ok? I could be wrong in my impression.

But I think you might be letting your soft feelings for the guy center him and his stuff rather than centering your own. If you think you are behaving love blinded, are experiencing some bullshit, and think this is hopeless and not really a runner for dating? That's not "joyful yes" consent to date. Could keep your life simpler and end it.

With regrets, maybe, but end it to spare both you and him any more dragging it out.


Is he pressuring you to do stuff you don't want to do?

If you already told him "No, we don't match. You want mono, I do solo poly" and rather than accept your no? He still wants to go there and is here pressuring you to agree?

Well, it doesn't matter if HE still wants to go there. This isn't a 1 person yes thing. Two people dating is a 2 people yes thing.

And if YOU don't want to go there? It doesn't happen. You do not HAVE to agree to date him. If you were not firm enough? Could be firmer about the "no, thanks" and just end it. Then move on.


This is his inner conflict. Not yours. You do not have to take it on board for yourself.

You don't sound confused in your own self. You are solo poly. You don't want to date a mono person.

If he is upset that you don't want to date and won't give him access to you? That's his emotional management and his responsibility. Most adults know how to handle feeling disappointment in dating. After all, not everyone you date is gonna be a runner. That's kinda what dating is FOR. To sort out the compatible ones.



Why would you be obligated to meet him halfway if you don't want to date at all? Are you his counselor? Why are you still here listening to all this?

If he still wants access to you even though it doesn't match for dating and he's pressuring you? Isn't that him wanting things all on his terms then?

If things don't line up after a date one shakes hands and says "Thanks, it was nice to meet you. Too bad we don't line up. Wish you well!" and each you go off to date the next person.

He could be responsible for his own well being. He could honor his personal limits and NOT stretch trying to make a kite that won't fly, fly anyway.

Or if he wants to make you responsible for his feelings or responsible for him doing stretching behavior? Fine.

Say "I'm sorry. You are right. I don't want to make you stretch. I'm ending it. Then you don't have to stretch any more."

And walk away.

This is one of my particular turn offs -- people acting like they are doing stuff they don't really want to be doing "and sacrificing for me" when I didn't even ask them to. And then expect me to "sacrifice back" or something foolish like that.
  • I don't want to jump off this 10 story high bridge -- I still want us to try! Why won't you meet me half way? Let's jump off a 5 story one! I'm willing to give! Why aren't you?!
  • I don't want to eat peanut butter I'm allergic to -- I still want us to try! Why won't you meet me half way? It could just be half a sandwich! I'm willing to give! Why aren't you?!
  • I don't want to share bareback sex when I just met you -- I still want us to try! Why won't you meet me half way? How about with a condom? I'm willing to give! Why aren't you?!
  • I don't want to date at all. I want solo poly and you want mono -- I still want us to try dating! Why won't you meet me half way? How about I do stuff I don't really want and you do stuff you don't really want? I'm willing to give! Why aren't you?!
When the easiest solution is "We just don't have to do stuff together." Then nobody has to be over stretching or bending into pretzels at all.



Green is your part. Honor your own self. End it with him and skip the drama.

This blue part? That's him not wanting to take "No" for an answer. And if he wants to keep on doing the blue part even after you leave? That's his business. He can keep on wanting to try to the sky.

When you already know he would not happy doing it, he's bending into pretzels now, he won't read or prepare or learn about poly reality... What about this deal makes him sound like an awesome mono-poly partner?

Look at this sentence.



It sounds like you know isn't gonna be a runner. There's some bullshit going on. You think it is hopeless anyway.

So... what else is there for you to do but part ways?

If what you need validation on YOUR feelings or you being in this situation? Willing to give it.
  • Yes. It stinks when someone tries to pressure you into doing stuff you don't want.
  • Yes. It stinks when someone tries to make you be responsible for their emotional management.
  • Yes. It stinks when you kinda like someone at first, but then they show you poor behaviors and you now like them less when you really wanted to keep liking them.
  • Yes. It stinks when you kinda like someone, but you know it isn't gonna pan out and you have to break up.
  • Yes. Dating is sometimes hard.
I am guessing. But if you wanted something else validated? Willing to do that if you can articulate.

But no. You aren't the asshole for being solo poly and not wanting to take up with a mono person who doesn't really want to be doing mono-poly.

Isn't your job to "carry" them and you don't have to sign up to be their "experiment person."

Galagirl
Galagirl Thank you so much. I talked with my partner and had came to the same conclusion. You are right, none of this is working and I’m not his therapist or his mother. I have to accept this disappointment and probably lose him. It sucks, but it’s better than a relationshit.
 

Aejay

New member
It sounds like he just wants to have sex with you and so he is saying things he doesn't really mean. ("I want to try. I will deal with things as they come up.")

If he's already uneasy and jealous knowing you have sex with your long-term partner, he's definitely not a good match with you.

You're not "an asshole." Being poly is not being an asshole. Sheesh.
Hahah, yep. I’m kinda getting that feeling too, that he is conflating love with lust. I’m Demi sexual so am feeling love but not lust. Thank you for reminding me that poly is not being an asshole, it’s just different.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Aejay,

During my time spent on poly forums (chiefly this one, and one previous, namely Poly Percolations, now sadly gone extinct), I have been acquainted with a few mono/poly couples that seemed to be getting on well. That's not to say that mono/poly relationships are easy, but with communication, compromise, and lots of love, they can be successful. Of course, you have to be the right match for each other too. Not all pairings can be mono/poly with each other and be compatible as such. You have to figure out whether this particular monogamous man is right for you. It sounds like he wants to try it, maybe the thing to do is to try it with him, knowing that the trial might end in a breakup. Sometimes it's worth taking that chance.

What compromises does he think you should be making for him? "It's all on your terms" is a rather vague statement. Which of his terms does he feel it should also be on? You may need to have a talk with him, in which you ask him some very direct questions. I don't think you are being "the" asshole, I'm not sure there is an asshole here. There's just two people, that may or may not be compatible with each other, which is something you need to somehow determine. He seems to feel that you can determine it by attempting to put it into practice, and seeing what happens. You are asking, is it worth it to take that kind of gamble? Isn't it possible to know whether you're compatible ahead of time? Maybe his whining is too much, right?

It sounds like you have thought about it, and realized that he is not a good match for you. That's not a happy thought for you, and obviously it won't be a happy thought for him. Breaking up is not fun, I'm sure both of you have been reluctant to go down that road. But I think at some point, both of you will realize that it's the kindest thing to do. Maybe you've realized it first, and he will realize it later. This does not mean that mono/poly relationships are impossible, it just means that the two people have to be compatible with each other in a mono/poly way. I don't think this particular pairing is a mono/poly match. From what I've read here. I think you're doing the right thing, you're ending it before you both get hurt.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I have to accept this disappointment and probably lose him. It sucks, but it’s better than a relationshit.

So much this.

It's just a lot easier to part ways politely than deal in "relationshits!"

Galagirl
 

Aejay

New member
Th
Hello Aejay,

During my time spent on poly forums (chiefly this one, and one previous, namely Poly Percolations, now sadly gone extinct), I have been acquainted with a few mono/poly couples that seemed to be getting on well. That's not to say that mono/poly relationships are easy, but with communication, compromise, and lots of love, they can be successful. Of course, you have to be the right match for each other too. Not all pairings can be mono/poly with each other and be compatible as such. You have to figure out whether this particular monogamous man is right for you. It sounds like he wants to try it, maybe the thing to do is to try it with him, knowing that the trial might end in a breakup. Sometimes it's worth taking that chance.

What compromises does he think you should be making for him? "It's all on your terms" is a rather vague statement. Which of his terms does he feel it should also be on? You may need to have a talk with him, in which you ask him some very direct questions. I don't think you are being "the" asshole, I'm not sure there is an asshole here. There's just two people, that may or may not be compatible with each other, which is something you need to somehow determine. He seems to feel that you can determine it by attempting to put it into practice, and seeing what happens. You are asking, is it worth it to take that kind of gamble? Isn't it possible to know whether you're compatible ahead of time? Maybe his whining is too much, right?

It sounds like you have thought about it, and realized that he is not a good match for you. That's not a happy thought for you, and obviously it won't be a happy thought for him. Breaking up is not fun, I'm sure both of you have been reluctant to go down that road. But I think at some point, both of you will realize that it's the kindest thing to do. Maybe you've realized it first, and he will realize it later. This does not mean that mono/poly relationships are impossible, it just means that the two people have to be compatible with each other in a mono/poly way. I don't think this particular pairing is a mono/poly match. From what I've read here. I think you're doing the right thing, you're ending it before you both get hurt.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Thank you for your response.
I am noticing that it’s me that isn’t willing to compromise my lovestyle for something else, and that’s where it’s getting tricky for me. What is this other place, this ‘middle ground?’. He mentioned like an open relationship, but I don’t feel secure in open relationships, which is why I don’t have them. This is good advice. I will ask what the middle ground looks like for him, but essentially I think the compromises are too great for each of us to feel secure and happy.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Thank you for your response.
I am noticing that it’s me that isn’t willing to compromise my lovestyle for something else, and that’s where it’s getting tricky for me. What is this other place, this ‘middle ground?’. He mentioned like an open relationship, but I don’t feel secure in open relationships, which is why I don’t have them. This is good advice. I will ask what the middle ground looks like for him, but essentially I think the compromises are too great for each of us to feel secure and happy.
Ha, maybe a compromise for a guy like him would be a OPP, a one-penis policy, where you find a woman who is bi and wants to have sex with him as well as you.... *rolleyes* Oh, and of course that would entail you break up with your long term bf too. Oh well. At least you'd get him to give you the "Not an asshole" badge! *thumbs up*
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I am noticing that it’s me that isn’t willing to compromise my lovestyle for something else,

Each person is allowed to have their own preference for what they seek/want in their romances.

It's ok not to compromise on the things you really want/value.

and that’s where it’s getting tricky for me. What is this other place, this ‘middle ground?’.

I think the onus is on him to present the middle ground option. Because you are fine just not dating any more. He's the one who wants to keep going.

I think the compromises are too great for each of us to feel secure and happy.

There is a difference between "coming to compromise" on an issue, and then "compromising my values."

If you and I both want the last popsicle, we might agree to come to compromise and split it in half for now. And after dinner run to the grocery to get a new box and then we each get a whole one then. Neither of us is getting what we REALLY want that afternoon, but livable enough. Not a big deal.

When it's about bigger stuff? If you really value solo poly and he really values monogamy? That's not something one compromises on.

  • monoamorous (want to love 1 sweetie) + monogamous shape (wants ONLY 1:1 relating, never poly things)
  • monoamorous + relationship shape flexible -- can do monogamy or like end point in V or similar
  • polyamorous + relationship shape flexible -- can do poly or monogamy so long as they can talk about their poly thoughts/feelings and be authentic selves
  • polyamorous + poly shape (wants ONLY poly structures, never monogamy)

If they land in polar opposite camps like in the purple? Easier to accept they are mutually exclusive wants/values. Too far apart.

I think people do best dating inside their own "category" or next immediate neighbor(s).

Galagirl
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi Aejay,

It seems to me that this man is looking for by far the bigger compromise from you, like he wants you to sacrifice (your former slave partner, and) polyamory. I think he is whining so much because he hopes that that will convince you to become monogamous with him -- you know, just to shut him up. Or because something he says wins you over (to monogamy) on its own logical merits, he would no doubt be satisfied either way. Just so you stop being polyamorous, right?

If this were an equal compromise situation, I would feel different.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 

MeeraReed

Active member
I have been super upfront about my lovestyle, what works for me and what doesn’t so there’s no guesswork or wondering on his behalf. I pointed out that we aren’t really very relationship compatible with such opposite lovestyles, but he says he’s open to trying something new...
He is quite persistent about us “giving it a shot”, even though he clearly isn’t comfortable with poly... he says he is “open to Exploring this”, and “wants to see where this could lead”, even though he has issues around me having sex with my current long term poly partner.
To me it sounds really confusing, on the one hand he isn’t comfortable with my lovestyle, and on the other he still wants to push forward into a relationship and “deal with things as they come up”.
For me, the first thing has already come up, and that’s the fact that he isn’t poly, and I am no mono, and that if he wants to be in a relationship, then all I have to offer is a solo poly, non-hierarchical love relationship. He seems to be pivoting between really wanting to be with me, and resenting me, saying things like “it’s all on your terms”, and “I am having to really stretch myself to meet you, and you aren’t meeting me.”
The thing is, I can’t meet him in that mono way, there’s no question for me around that, and I have admitted that I cannot honour his need for that kind of relationship. Still, he wants to try??
Does anyone have any wisdom, or can see through the bullshit here?
I am a bit blinded by falling for this man, but we haven’t even fucked yet, and it’s feeling a little hopeless to me, or am I just being the asshole??

Fellow solo poly here. I think you already know what you need to do. But I'll reiterate, because this guy reminds me so much of my ex (a terrible experience for me).

You've been solo poly for 10 years and totally clear and upfront with him about that. You have another long-term partner and have been clear about that. Why on earth would you need to compromise on anything?

Nobody should be compromising on anything at the START of a relationship. Like, why would you be obligated to change your life for someone you don't even know and haven't even had sex with? Why would someone want to date you at all if they don't like you exactly the way you are, for who you are?

Compromises are for ESTABLISHED relationships, when something new comes up that changes things for your partner, or for when the relationship has progressed enough that it makes sense to change something about your life to fit your partner's life better (and assuming your partner is making similar compromises).

(The only exception I can think of, for compromising at the START of a relationship would if there is a change you want to make for yourself that a new partner may inspire you to finally do--like someone who says, "I won't date you until you stop drinking," or similar. Off the top of my head, I can't see why anyone would need to compromise to please a partner they haven't even STARTED dating yet).

It sounds like this guy is making you feel guilty for being who you are. (I know my ex did!) Well, you're allowed to be solo poly. If you decided you wanted to be poly (or solo poly) while being in a monogamous marriage of 10 years, or whatever, well then of course you'd have to compromise to stay with your mono spouse (and indeed probably should compromise in that situation).

But a guy who expects you to compromise your life, your love style, and perhaps your other partner(s) just for the privilege of starting to date him...yipes. And why would he even want someone who has to change herself so much to begin with?

So, here is the wisdom I gained from my similarly mono ex. Mono people often just don't GET poly, especially not solo poly. I was very upfront with my ex, and he professed to be totally fine with it, and even to want it for himself, but I think he expected me to settle down and "choose him" eventually. Like he thought solo poly was a temporary thing I was doing to date around until I was ready for a "real relationship."

But he didn't actually say that to me, he said similar things to what your guy is saying, about "giving us a shot" and "being open to exploring and trying something new" and "seeing where it could lead" and "figuring it out as it came up." He was PERSISTENT and he seemed genuinely enthusiastic. In my case I didn't even realize he was mono, but that's a different story--your guy is at least being very honest about being mono and telling you his feelings about you being poly.

But I do think your guy is expecting that you will eventually "choose" him and settle down. That's what he's willing "to give a shot" about. He thinks it will "lead" to something. Whereas, a solo poly person doesn't need a relationship to "lead" somewhere else, i.e., up the "relationship escalator."

I don't think he's necessarily just trying to obtain sex from you--although that is a possibility. My ex wanted to become more sexually experienced, and I think part of my appeal for him was that he thought he could learn sexual skills from me. (He didn't--also a different story).

My ex grew to resent me very deeply (but he hid that from me, so I didn't know how he felt and could not use that info to decide to leave him). Your guy is giving you a gift here--openly resenting you! Already! Even though you haven't even fucked!

My advice to anyone, in any relationship style, if someone you haven't even slept with ALREADY resents you--just for being yourself!--you know you should run run run.

In short: You are Not the Asshole. (But don't ask this on Reddit, 'cause there is no tolerance for non-monogamy there, lol).
 

MeeraReed

Active member
Also, one more thing:

The fact that he's not interested in reading anything about non-monogamy. Ugh.

So, he's not actually interested in trying something new, learning, exploring, etc. He just wants you to compromise for HIM.
 

Aejay

New member
MeeraReed gosh, you’re spot on there!
So last night I went to break the news to him that I am not compromising any part of my secure lovestyle, to meet him in some arbitrary middle ground that is insecure ground for me, and also for him.
We had a really good talk, he did admit that he was hoping that after a time I would change to want to prioritise him, and he said he totally gets now, how unrealistic that is. I also pointed out to him, that he is ignoring his own personal boundary around his lovestyle, and that is excluding dating partners who already have partners. I reminded him that no woman ever, should expect him to reach her beyond the comfort of his personal boundary, and for him to notice and honour his OWN messages and boundaries.
So it has needed well, with kindness and understanding and friendship intact.
Thank goodness.

Finally, I am so grateful for everyone’s input, wisdom and transparent advice. I adore poly people, thank you for being here and providing this space!
 

Aejay

New member
Hi Aejay,

It seems to me that this man is looking for by far the bigger compromise from you, like he wants you to sacrifice (your former slave partner, and) polyamory. I think he is whining so much because he hopes that that will convince you to become monogamous with him -- you know, just to shut him up. Or because something he says wins you over (to monogamy) on its own logical merits, he would no doubt be satisfied either way. Just so you stop being polyamorous, right?

If this were an equal compromise situation, I would feel different.
Regards,
Kevin T.
Thank you for your considered insight!
It turns out all of you are spot on. He admitted that he was hoping for me to prioritise him, and I told him that will never happen.
We have managed to avoid any further hurt so far, and remain as the friends I was hoping to be. Time will tell if he can do that, I really hope so, I do indeed love him, just not romantically.
 

Aejay

New member
Each person is allowed to have their own preference for what they seek/want in their romances.

It's ok not to compromise on the things you really want/value.



I think the onus is on him to present the middle ground option. Because you are fine just not dating any more. He's the one who wants to keep going.



There is a difference between "coming to compromise" on an issue, and then "compromising my values."

If you and I both want the last popsicle, we might agree to come to compromise and split it in half for now. And after dinner run to the grocery to get a new box and then we each get a whole one then. Neither of us is getting what we REALLY want that afternoon, but livable enough. Not a big deal.

When it's about bigger stuff? If you really value solo poly and he really values monogamy? That's not something one compromises on.

  • monoamorous (want to love 1 sweetie) + monogamous shape (wants ONLY 1:1 relating, never poly things)
  • monoamorous + relationship shape flexible -- can do monogamy or like end point in V or similar
  • polyamorous + relationship shape flexible -- can do poly or monogamy so long as they can talk about their poly thoughts/feelings and be authentic selves
  • polyamorous + poly shape (wants ONLY poly structures, never monogamy)

If they land in polar opposite camps like in the purple? Easier to accept they are mutually exclusive wants/values. Too far apart.

I think people do best dating inside their own "category" or next immediate neighbor(s).

Galagirl
Yep, this is where I put my foot down after you kinda reminded me to!
I absolutely said that there is no compromise for the security of my romantic relationships, and likewise for him.
He got it, he agreed.
So grateful for all your input, guidance and advice. Thank you so much for your clarity and care. I am deeply grateful. I may still have my friend after your help!
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Most welcome. Glad it helped some.

If "friendship shape" fits better, and honors both people where they are at? Then by all means. Be friends.

I think that there is no point in trying to force "romantic shapes" that just do not align. People could damage themselves/each other trying to square peg/round hole.

Galagirl
 
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Aejay

New member
Ha, maybe a compromise for a guy like him would be a OPP, a one-penis policy, where you find a woman who is bi and wants to have sex with him as well as you.... *rolleyes* Oh, and of course that would entail you break up with your long term bf too. Oh well. At least you'd get him to give you the "Not an asshole" badge! *thumbs up*
Hahaahahahahaaaa! So spot on, I’m sure he would love that scenario even more!
 
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