Suggestions appreciated

Sounds like the beginning of a good trend ... Let's hope that continues! :D
 
Hi StumblingAlong,

What a shitty time for you and your husband. On the one hand, you have finally been encouraged to re-open a part of yourself you had previously shut out, whilst on the other, your husband feels like all that happened in the past is going to happen again.

I'm new to the forums and unaware of your past history with Infinity. You sound like experienced polyamorists and I'm surprised at your husband's reaction - to say suddenly he wants to stop swinging - others have said that this could be manipulative behaviour; I interpret this as scared and afraid and grasping at straws to preserve what he finds most important - You. More specifically, preserving your emotional attachment to him on which he seems to base his security upon.

In the quote below, you alude to past history between you and Infinity:
StumblingAlong said:
Because of the past history Infinity and I share he is very scared I am going to leave him for Galaxy. I am not. I learned my lesson the hard way on that.
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Are you saying that you've opened yourself up emotionally in this manner before and left Infinity in the past only to reconcile with him later? I can see why this would make him feel insecure. It sounds like he has been trying to get you to open yourself up again because he wanted to give you happiness (and also to swing himself), but is now realising that the hurt from before is either unresolved or has impacted his ability to feel secure with you in this situation. I get the feeling he feels he would be unable to function without you by his side and that this feeling, coupled with the possibility that you may leave, is making him act in a manner that is destructive to polyamory.

You seem to be giving him all the right reassurances and I also sense some frustration at the situation. I don't think I have any advice to give that you haven't already thought of, but hope I can be a sounding board for your own thoughts on how to proceed:
  • Your husband needs to feel more secure. You seem to be doing your part in this but the past trauma you have both gone through makes this more difficult. (I have no idea if my hunch is correct, so please forgive me if I'm reading my own situation into yours) From his point of view, if you've opened yourself up emotionally once before and hurt him despite the best of promises, what's to stop the same thing from happening again despite the best of promises? I know you've said you've "learned your lesson" and are reassuring him that it won't happen again, but whilst he may understand your sincerity on that point from an intellectual perspective, he may not be feeling it emotionally. I feel like his recent behaviour indicates someone who is scraping the bottom of their mental-capacity-to-cope bucket. In summary, security is what I feel he needs and you are doing your part in helping him feel that. You may have to help him in this difficult time to understand that neither of you are the persons you were several years ago, that you've both matured and that you can do this right the second time round.
  • The psychological theory of attachment styles might be interesting to you and Infinity if you haven't already looked into it. The basic principles are that childhood traumas impact how we love each other as adults. Sounded silly to me the first time I heard it, but the more I read the more I was sold. Imagine a boy-child who is sometimes asked to come and sleep with his single mother to make her feel safe and secure in her loneliness and grief. Then that boy-child may grow up feeling that others' happiness depend upon him. Such a person would tend to go out of their way to make others' happy, because it's the right thing to do and because he's received positive feedback on doing this in the past. In return, he would probably expect others to repay the favour and make him happy. Happiness for this person would rest very heavily on what others do for each other - people like this tend to do a lot for friends and family, and can be upset when others don't do the same in return. Psychology is not always correct but is about generalisations. Sometimes the generalisations allow us to rationalise human behaviour in a way that others can understand. In summary, your attachment style seems to be different from Infinity's and I wonder if you may be able to rationalise some of what Infinity is doing by looking into the psychological theory of attachment styles and reflecting on past traumas from childhood of his.

Finally, you're far more experienced in communication and polyamory than I am. You are also far more aware of the subtleties in your situation than I am and I feel that we, as a forum, are unlikely to be able to mention anything you haven't already thought to do yourself. Still, I hope we serve as a good sounding board for your thoughts.

Good luck!
 
kdt26417 said:
Sounds like the beginning of a good trend ... Let's hope that continues! :D
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He and the boy child are actually spending time with Galaxy and her family. I want to be there with all of them so bad but im working and maybe it gives them a chance to to get more comfortable with things.
 
I think we may have turned a corner. Infinity spent several hours with Galaxy and her husband yesterday evening. When i got home from work he was in a much better mind set about everything.
 
And it was very short lived and he is right back wherw we were or worse. This is exhausting and now beginning to consume my conversations with Galaxy and her conversations with her husband. This is the same shit Infinity did with our quad and what caused me to feel backed into a corner to the point i chose to leave him. Its very similar to what he did with Mustang only he got her sympathy and whatever she may have felt for me came to a quick halt and she focused on him and he didn't get to this point.

I really do love Infinity and do not want to leave him, but i am not going to shrink myself to make him comfortable and happy. I could but id be very miserable and would grow bitter and resentful. Im doing everything i can to fight for me and my relationship with Galaxy.
 
StumblingAlong said:
This is the same shit Infinity did with our quad and what caused me to feel backed into a corner to the point i chose to leave him. ....i am not going to shrink myself to make him comfortable and happy.
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Only you can back yourself into a corner. Only you can choose to respond to his unhappiness by shrinking yourself. There are many responses a person could be having to this situation - why do you choose self diminishment? Feeling "backed into a corner" or "shrunken" are efforts at making yourself small in response to emotional upset. Again, this is about understanding your go-to emotional responses, not about his behavior. The group efforts to keep Infinity contained and well-behaved are not going to get you all very far, but you looking into your own emotional responses is what will move the ball down the field. You will ultimately decide to keep Infinity around or not, but seeing this as solely his behavior problem won't do anything for your own personal development. You'll just meet another Infinity in another body and face this self-diminishment again. And again.
 
I'm sorry things are worse and you are finding it all draining and exhausting.

I see that at this time, you do not want to leave him. You may have to articulate your deal breakers to yourself though. And then to Infinity so he is clear on your stance.

  • What you are willing to do for Infinity
  • What you are NOT willing to do for Infinity
  • What you would like to see Infinity doing more of, behaviors to start doing
  • What you would like to see Infinity doing less of, behaviors to stop doing

Then start counting. I tend to go with 3 strikes. You might have 5 or 10... but certainly not 100, 1000, 1 million second chances, right? You pick a reasonable number of chances. And then sit back and let his behavior make the choices.

Im doing everything i can to fight for me and my relationship with Galaxy.
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I hope that includes firming it up with Infinity and walking away if he carries on this way. There were reasons you walked away before.

You could change how you respond to it this time. Be firm about it. State your limits/boundaries. Then leave it up to his behavior.

If he's not improving and he's still dinging you and acting up? Still making poor behavior choices? Then the natural consequence may be that you leave (even with regrets) to get you away from this repetitive behavior so you are not drained any more.

Not because you WANT to leave, but because he's making it hard to stay in a healthy way. Because you do not agree to stay in an unhealthy dynamic forever. Because you find it draining and exhausting. Because you will no longer shrink yourself.

You do not exist to be his life raft or to fuel the endless black hole of need. Whatever his core issues are -- he's got to address them himself. They are not your job to do.

If this has turned into "same old song, different day" -- then the one who has to recognize that and get off the merry go round is you. You stop buying another ticket.

I am sorry you deal in this though. I can imagine it is not fun. :(

Galagirl
 
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Talked to him this morning and yes honestly i was irritated. Told him i am done trying to make him ok, that this is me and i will not change that. Also told him he has to learn to be ok with me, all of me, or if he can't then the choice is his as to whether he stays with me or not, but i will not choose to be anything less than who i am.

I am trying to not take responsibility for how he feels. What he feels and does is his choice to make not mine. I cannot allow him to hold me responsible for his choices. I am doing what i can to show him i love him, he has to decide for himself if he accepts what im doing as showing him love or not.

I have almost lost any chance i have of having a longterm solid relationship with Galaxy because she does not like this drama. Right now she feels Infinity is effectively controlling our relationship by being so needy and clingy that he refuses to let me out of his sight. Yesterday we were all together for a birthday party. Infinity went over early before i got off work. Galaxy says until i got there he was fine but once i was there he changed and suddenly was having an anxiety attack and consumed my entire attention.

Really right now i want to tell him to grow up and get over himself. Im just that frustrated with how he is acting. Galaxy is upset and at least for now does not want to see or speak to Infinity. I get that. Not sure how to handle 2 partners that dont get along, but I understand it. If i were in her place id feel very similar.
 
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Sent Infinity the link to the article on becoming secure on the more than two web site. Really hoping he reads it and that it helps.
 
Stark reality

At the end of the day a square peg does not fit into a round hole. Neither of you are going to budge so now what? just continue suffering along making things worse? One of you will have to pull the pin and start a new life
 
Galaxy did just that last night. She ended rhings with me so that Infinity and i can figure us out, again.
 
I'm sorry to hear about the break up. I can understand Galaxy wanting to be free of all this drama. You seem to also.

I can't think of a nicer way to ask this. I apologize. What I don't understand is why you don't seem to break up with him so YOU are free of this drama. What is it that keeps you here? You don't seem to enjoy it. :confused:

Now that Galaxy broke up with you, Infinity has learned what? That his bad behavior can achieve the desired result? Why would he change his ways if it is working for him?

You have been here before with Infinity. What's his usual pattern? He says he is sorry (even if he isn't) and promises to change (even if he doesn't intend on it)? How will you be able to if tell he is sincere or just talking a load of hot air?

What's your usual pattern? Is there something to change in your pattern?

At this point in time, what's your desired outcome? How can forum people support you?

Galagirl
 
Im honestly figuring all of that out. I thought i knew but some of it has changed with time and im figuring some things out again.
 
Ah. I wasn't sure what stage of the process you were in. Thank you for clarifying.

I hope taking a time out helps you figure things out.

Galagirl
 
My condolences to your lost relationship. It sounds like Infinity needs time to work on his insecurities amongst other things. It sounds like you're helping him out as much as you can already.
 
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