Suggestions on going from primary to a live-in secondary role?

S

Smitten015

New member
Hi everyone,

I made a suggestion this morning that we could discuss this and she really likes the idea... we have yet to really flesh it out. I have no idea how to go about this or find a comfortable medium in this... Has anyone ever done something like this? Any ideas would be much appreciated.
 
I personally think the most important thing in that sort of process is for each of you, separately, to define what you want out of your relationship very specifically, and not just by labeling it "primary" or "secondary" - like "casual" or "serious", ask 10 people and you'll get 20 definitions for each of those words.

Here's an example of the sort of smorgasbord you might pick from, but you can be even more detailed.

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This is from an article which has some examples of how the author defines those things in each of their relationships...
 
Hi Smitten,

If you are going to be a secondary, you might as well read up on your rights.

My concern is, what if she demotes you even further, such as cutting you loose. On the other hand, if you don't accept this demotion, she will be disappointed. You must plan your steps carefully at this point.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I thought this was the plan described in your other post:

We've come up with a strategy: we're going to give it a couple weeks of consistent behaviour (they meet whenever and make out but nothing beyond - I accomodate as best I can) and then I'll likely head out to my parents for a couple or three days to give her the space to think about what it is she wants.

... it will all hinge on her ability to maintain a line out of respect for us and what we're trying to heal. If she can't, then I guess I have my answer.
Click to expand...

If you are trying to figure out how YOU are to behave during those few weeks?

I think you could be "plain roomies" during that time. No sex, no making out, no kissing, nothing like that. You are not obligated to spend time together or be her fallback person to hang out with -- have a life of your own, go out with your own friends. Could share the food, bills, chores as any "regular" roomie would. But keep it "platonic roomie" while she figures herself out.

Don't fall into any "romantic partner" behavior. What I'm saying is... could not bother with "secondary romantic live in partner" stuff if that is too confusing a role right now.

Could become willing to step back further than that so your behavior/role is clearer to you and you can better hold yourself apart from the wacky that's been going on. Be "roomie only" for a few weeks. Be willing to do only your self care at this time. You in charge of you and your choices. Let her be her in charge of her and her choices. She will demonstrate if she can abide by the agreement and be respectful of you or not.

If the home allows you to have your own bedroom space or at least your own bed, could move the furniture around to accommodate for that. After X weeks of giving her space to figure herself out... if she's not actually doing that work or if she's basically keeping you around just to help pay her bills?

You have your answer. She's not into you like you are into her.

And then you may have to think about moving out to your own space and ending this relationship. You don't sound especially happy in it. :(

Galagirl
 
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