Supporting a partner through a marriage breakdown

A2Poly

A2Poly

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Well, I think that Mal and Djinn's marriage is in its death throws. She has been sleeping downstairs in the separate apartment (with Aladdin) since a week before Christmas.

She and I aren't relating well either, I spent the week before Christmas there, and we had a... misunderstanding ... about some (far in the future) travel plans with me and the younger Kid. I thought we hadn't decided which parent would be going with us, and she thought she was going 'for sure'. Pretty sure our problems are all transference from their problems, but I'm letting her cool off. If our friendship survives their marriage break down or not is up to her.

Anyway, just wondering if anyone has gone through similar and if you have any advice. Right now I'm pushing for them to start seeing councillors ndividually since they can't agree on a councilor to see together, and encouraging being gentle with each other (and themselves), which is what I've been saying for months. But I find I need some support too. It's really had being this far away when things are so sideways.
 
Sorry to hear that's happening, that's hard on you too. I haven't had quite that kind of situation, but one of my brothers is breaking up with his wife, and that's hard, because I like both of them a lot. I think the best thing is to just try not to get caught in the middle of it. Express your love and support for both parties but maybe do so in a general way.

Hang in there.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I'm sorry you all are struggling right now.

Right now I'm pushing for them to start seeing councillors ndividually since they can't agree on a councilor to see together, and encouraging being gentle with each other (and themselves), which is what I've been saying for months.
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Could keep doing that.

But I find I need some support too. It's really had being this far away when things are so sideways.
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Could seek your own counselor.

Galagirl
 
GalaGirl said:
Could seek your own counselor.
Click to expand...

Thanks, I have one, and good mono friends who are supportive too. But there's something about hearing from someone who has/is going through the same thing that is also useful and supporting.

Ah well.
 
Sounds like you have lined up support for yourself, which is good.

I don't know what to tell you. All the times I have observed poly divorce, I haven't been in the poly network. Just a friend from the side, and that was bad enough.

  • One marriage continued, and it was the GF who left in the end. The marriage continues seemingly strained though.
  • One turned into crazy "call the cops!" level and the married couple parted but the BF stayed.
  • Another dragged on forever, lots of fights, and that one went down to all persons single again. Starting with the GF, then the BF, then the married couple.

I did the same as you -- suggested as quick and peaceful divorce as possible, go easy on each other because they are probably both hurting, etc. But I think some people are not able to do that. They want to get their last digs in. :(

I turn here for ideas for how to be supportive.

http://goodlifezen.com/21-ways-to-comfort-a-friend-in-crisis/

Sometimes just letting them sit and rave on my couch for an hour and giving them snacks is all I can do for them. You know... just hang in there with them til the whole mess is over and in the short term let them tell their story and air out without judgement or giving advice even if in the privacy of my own head I think it's bonkers.

Galagirl
 
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Thanks for the resource. That's a good read.
 
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