silver-shades
New member
I will start by saying everyone is in therapy with competent therapists, but I want to see what others in the community might have to share.
I have two partners whom I live with. The partner I have been with the longest (we will call them Wolfy) has had various other partners over the years, none of which have lasted long or treated them well.
Some background-- Wolfy and I have been together for 13 years, married for 7. We were both open about being poly at the beginning of our relationship and got legally married because we intend to have kids together.
We have had two partners that we both dated, but for the most part we have dated separately. Of these two, one I ended things with because of some major red flags, and the other is my current other partner (Puddle). Wolfy and Puddle decided they preferred to be friends, but not sexually or romantically involved (though we do all three cuddle together). But as we cohabitate, we do consider the three of us as a bonded family unit when it comes to finances and decisions.
The thing I am struggling with is Wolfy seems to be really susceptible to people taking advantage of them and/or being emotionally abusive. The last two relationships have been particularly bad. Both metas went out of their way to try to damage my relationship with Wolfy and mutual friends.
One of them lied about birth control, got pregnant and demanded Wolfy "not see me for a few years while the baby grows up." When Wolfy refused, she got an abortion, even though Wolfy (and I) were in favor of her going through with the pregnancy. But it was her choice, as it is her body. However, immediately after the abortion, she began guilting Wolfy, claiming they "manipulated" her into getting it done. This was especially rough, as Wolfy and I have been trying to get pregnant, but are having some trouble, which she knew about.
Wolfy has been getting better at noticing the red flags, but it's still pretty late into the relationship. Their last relationship ended after about a year. The meta basically guilt-tripped Wolfy into thinking they were a terrible partner, and they had no choice but to leave them because of how bad they are. Having been with this person for 13 years, I can attest they aren't a perfect partner, but they are very far from bad.
To be perfectly honest, I do not think this meta is truly poly. They had started dating someone else, and then immediately started pulling away from Wolfy. Also, I didn't know until after the fact that they were lying about me to others, even though we hardly knew each other or had interacted, which to me felt like they were trying to get their friends against me to pressure Wolfy into leaving me before they lost interest in Wolfy.
Wolfy has some very deep childhood trauma that leaves them yearning for unconditional love and acceptance. When they think they've found it, trying to convince them otherwise is a pointless task.
At this point, I just don't really interact with my metas much until I know they are going to stick. I am still polite and try to include them. Offer to split holidays, or invite them to join holidays at our place, work out a fair schedule for seeing our mutual partner, etc. But when I start to see the honeymoon phase end, it seems the emotional rollercoaster is ready to start.
I comfort Wolfy. I make sure to share my feelings and advice, but to not push or pressure specific decisions. I respect their other relationships, and as long as the metas aren't actively trying to meddle in my relationships, I am generally pretty cool and accommodating. (The one that lied about birth control, I had strong boundaries about her not being at our house, or involved in any of our financial or housing choices, because of some pretty big breaches of my boundaries early on, and some manipulative texting where she screen-shotted and altered some of our conversations to make it seem like I was lying to our mutual friends.)
Wolfy is working on this stuff in therapy and our relationship is good. It was pretty rough during the time with the meta who lied about birth control. But once we realized the sheer amount of manipulation that was happening there, and the relationship ended, we were able to work through our own stuff and frankly, have a stronger relationship for it.
I just wish there was more I could do to help. I really hate seeing Wolfy get hurt over and over again and I really hate seeing people use their trauma against them to make them feel worthless or broken. I just don't know what else to do, or if it is my place to even do anything else. I'm wondering if anyone else is dealing with something similar and has some advice.
I have two partners whom I live with. The partner I have been with the longest (we will call them Wolfy) has had various other partners over the years, none of which have lasted long or treated them well.
Some background-- Wolfy and I have been together for 13 years, married for 7. We were both open about being poly at the beginning of our relationship and got legally married because we intend to have kids together.
We have had two partners that we both dated, but for the most part we have dated separately. Of these two, one I ended things with because of some major red flags, and the other is my current other partner (Puddle). Wolfy and Puddle decided they preferred to be friends, but not sexually or romantically involved (though we do all three cuddle together). But as we cohabitate, we do consider the three of us as a bonded family unit when it comes to finances and decisions.
The thing I am struggling with is Wolfy seems to be really susceptible to people taking advantage of them and/or being emotionally abusive. The last two relationships have been particularly bad. Both metas went out of their way to try to damage my relationship with Wolfy and mutual friends.
One of them lied about birth control, got pregnant and demanded Wolfy "not see me for a few years while the baby grows up." When Wolfy refused, she got an abortion, even though Wolfy (and I) were in favor of her going through with the pregnancy. But it was her choice, as it is her body. However, immediately after the abortion, she began guilting Wolfy, claiming they "manipulated" her into getting it done. This was especially rough, as Wolfy and I have been trying to get pregnant, but are having some trouble, which she knew about.
Wolfy has been getting better at noticing the red flags, but it's still pretty late into the relationship. Their last relationship ended after about a year. The meta basically guilt-tripped Wolfy into thinking they were a terrible partner, and they had no choice but to leave them because of how bad they are. Having been with this person for 13 years, I can attest they aren't a perfect partner, but they are very far from bad.
To be perfectly honest, I do not think this meta is truly poly. They had started dating someone else, and then immediately started pulling away from Wolfy. Also, I didn't know until after the fact that they were lying about me to others, even though we hardly knew each other or had interacted, which to me felt like they were trying to get their friends against me to pressure Wolfy into leaving me before they lost interest in Wolfy.
Wolfy has some very deep childhood trauma that leaves them yearning for unconditional love and acceptance. When they think they've found it, trying to convince them otherwise is a pointless task.
At this point, I just don't really interact with my metas much until I know they are going to stick. I am still polite and try to include them. Offer to split holidays, or invite them to join holidays at our place, work out a fair schedule for seeing our mutual partner, etc. But when I start to see the honeymoon phase end, it seems the emotional rollercoaster is ready to start.
I comfort Wolfy. I make sure to share my feelings and advice, but to not push or pressure specific decisions. I respect their other relationships, and as long as the metas aren't actively trying to meddle in my relationships, I am generally pretty cool and accommodating. (The one that lied about birth control, I had strong boundaries about her not being at our house, or involved in any of our financial or housing choices, because of some pretty big breaches of my boundaries early on, and some manipulative texting where she screen-shotted and altered some of our conversations to make it seem like I was lying to our mutual friends.)
Wolfy is working on this stuff in therapy and our relationship is good. It was pretty rough during the time with the meta who lied about birth control. But once we realized the sheer amount of manipulation that was happening there, and the relationship ended, we were able to work through our own stuff and frankly, have a stronger relationship for it.
I just wish there was more I could do to help. I really hate seeing Wolfy get hurt over and over again and I really hate seeing people use their trauma against them to make them feel worthless or broken. I just don't know what else to do, or if it is my place to even do anything else. I'm wondering if anyone else is dealing with something similar and has some advice.
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