supporting your meta during a breakup

[playfulgirl]

So lady and her dom recently broke up. He was lying to her and cheating on her despite their being open. Asshole! I'm trying to figure out how to best be supportive through the breakup. Recently she has needed assurance of honesty while recognizing this is her issue. We are pretty close for metas, though life circumstances have made regular connection impossible over the last 6 months or so and are trying to set up some hangout time to reconnect and allay her fears of deceit and need for reinforcing trust in the network. Any advice on how to best love a connected meta through a painful breakup and now trust issues?

 

[kdt26417]

Hi playfulgirl,

I think Lady will experience a lot of pain and anxiety no matter how good of a friend you are. The most you can do for her is just be there for her. Reassure her of your love for her but don't push (if that makes sense).

Sorry she is going through this.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[River]

So lady and her dom recently broke up. He was lying to her and cheating on her despite their being open.

I'm going to be a little "politically incorrect" here. Let the cards fall where they fall.

As someone not involved in the BDSM subculture, community, or whatever, I don't see why "dom" figures so importantly here. Breakups--the emotional challenges involved--are about people, not about eroticized power dynamics, aren't they? So why even mention the "dom" thing in this context? Who cares? It's irrelevant, isn't it? And it just looks strange to me that he's called her "dom" and not her boyfriend, partner, or whatever. If there's a bond of some kind, aren't they boyfriend and girlfriend or something? -- rather than "sub" and "dom"?

 

[jayblue122]

I'm going to be a little "politically incorrect" here. Let the cards fall where they fall.

As someone not involved in the BDSM subculture, community, or whatever, I don't see why "dom" figures so importantly here. Breakups--the emotional challenges involved--are about people, not about eroticized power dynamics, aren't they? So why even mention the "dom" thing in this context? Who cares? It's irrelevant, isn't it? And it just looks strange to me that he's called her "dom" and not her boyfriend, partner, or whatever. If there's a bond of some kind, aren't they boyfriend and girlfriend or something? -- rather than "sub" and "dom"?

Sometimes, no they are not. Some people have Doms or Subs and engage in power exchange with others without a romantic (or even necessarily sexual) relationship.

Sometimes people have connections based around power exchange. And even when those connections are also romantic or dating relationships, power exchange can play a big role in the way you connect with some one and the nature of your relationship with them.

 

[Nadya]

I have very little in terms of advice. Just be the good friend you have been, keep being honest to all in your poly network. Be there for her if she wants to talk to you.

I'm going to be a little "politically incorrect" here. Let the cards fall where they fall.

As someone not involved in the BDSM subculture, community, or whatever, I don't see why "dom" figures so importantly here. Breakups--the emotional challenges involved--are about people, not about eroticized power dynamics, aren't they? So why even mention the "dom" thing in this context? Who cares? It's irrelevant, isn't it? And it just looks strange to me that he's called her "dom" and not her boyfriend, partner, or whatever. If there's a bond of some kind, aren't they boyfriend and girlfriend or something? -- rather than "sub" and "dom"?

Well... "Dom" is what he was called in this context. If that is how Lady has introduced him to playfulgirl, then that is a correct way to refer to him. People have the right to define their relationships and call the people in their lives however is suitable for them. For example, I have never called either CJ or Mark "my boyfriend" - I liked other terms better.

 

[playfulgirl]

The reason I mention the dom thing is because they did have a power exchange and the trust level in that relationship I also don't fully understand as I don't practice bdsm either. I do know that it adds a further nuance to her feelings of betrayal and now questioning the trustworthiness of the other relationships in her life.
I'm trying to be reassuring. My baseline is just to keep going as normal while being understanding of her need to connect. We are going to try to have a girl day mani pedi outing soon. Lady gets that she has no reason to mistrust our agreements/arrangements, but is very fragile right now. For example, she has asked for consideration if she needs to call or check in occasionally on real and my nights together. I found this odd as a 10 to 20 minute phone convo / facetime with her and the kiddos is a fairly regular occurrence as are mine on their nights. But hey that's no problem on my end. I get she's feeling adrift and nervous after having a bad experience.

 

[Tinwen]

Breakups--the emotional challenges involved--are about people, not about eroticized power dynamics, aren't they? So why even mention the "dom" thing in this context?

Actually there may be an extra layer of emotional challenge.
You've trusted that person with your life. If he turns out to be a ruthless cheater, what does it say about your judgement?
With your DS partner, you've generally lived through strong emotions. That's why you do it. I leaves an extra sense of vulnerability.
DS often encouradges child-like trust and devotion to the dom person. Sometimes DS let's the fantasy of an all-mighty fatherly protecting figure become just a little more real then it should. The sub wants to be protected and feels protected. So then there are extra layers of reality to confront.
I'm not saying same emotions can't happen in non-DS relationships, but they are more usual with power exchange, on top of the common turmoil of grief.

But the more important point is what Nadya sais - different labels carry a different set of expectations, and people can define their relationship as they see fit. If the meta was viewing him as her dom, and not as her boyfriend/partner/lower/fwb, why not go with her choice?

Playfulgirl, sorry I'm straying off topic - but I don't have advice because actually I think you're doing it great

 

[playfulgirl]

Thanks tinwen! Since D/s stuff is not my thing I'm never sure. It's always good to get some feedback and often just good for me to write out a situation to get my head around it.

 

[Hannahfluke]

I'm going to be a little "politically incorrect" here. Let the cards fall where they fall.

As someone not involved in the BDSM subculture, community, or whatever, I don't see why "dom" figures so importantly here. Breakups--the emotional challenges involved--are about people, not about eroticized power dynamics, aren't they? So why even mention the "dom" thing in this context? Who cares? It's irrelevant, isn't it? And it just looks strange to me that he's called her "dom" and not her boyfriend, partner, or whatever. If there's a bond of some kind, aren't they boyfriend and girlfriend or something? -- rather than "sub" and "dom"?

I've dated my OSO on and off for the last seven years. Up until last year, we were FWB when we dated. I even ghosted at one point on him because I didn't really feel like he cared that much, I had a new boyfriend who was really excited about me, and I had limited time and wanted to be with the one that showed he was excited about me (I did apologize for doing that, but it was 2 sided, he could have contacted me and didn't). Up until last summer, I would have agreed with you, that the dom part was a needless addition in the details of the break up. Until this FWB and I transitioned our very casual relationship to a Dominant (him)/submissive (me) relationship last summer. It definitely changed the emotional intimacy we had shared as friends who sometimes fuck to something more intense. He's told me that I'm important to him and that he cares about me, which are things I never expected to hear, ever, from him. We trust each other more than we ever did as FWB. I trust him more than I did the ex I ghosted on him for, which is the most intense relationship I've had beyond my marriage. Where before, he didn't want anything to do with me when he was feeling down, now I'm one of the people that he trusts the most and he'll talk out his problems with me.

I was pretty withdrawn and standoffish recently because I was emotionally exhausted from some things happening in my marriage. Instead of ghosting for months like I might have before, I apologized and asked for his help in processing my emotions. So, for me at least, the fact he is my dom isn't just eroticized power games, it's connected us on a deeper level and I will definitely be more affected by it now if we break up than I would have before he was my dom.