Surviving Secondary

[Beautifullyflawed31]

Warning: This is my first post!

Fourteen months ago I entered into my first polyamory relationship. I had never heard of being poly before this relationship. I had also never been in a relationship with someone of the same sex before this relationship, so everything was very new and different.

So let me back up. I met this woman playing softball and we hit it off as friends. We started spending quite a bit of time together and found that we really enjoyed doing a lot of the same things. One thing led to another and I started developing romantic feelings for her, which came as a shock to me. I had only been with men previously and grew up in a strong religious family and community. So the thought of being a woman, and being attracted to a woman really made me confused. However this didn't stop my head and my heart from falling, and falling hard. I kept all my feelings to myself because she was a married woman and intended to keep it that way as long as I needed or until the feelings went away.

One night we got to talking and somehow both of our feelings came out for one another and it turned out that she too had romantic feelings for me. That is where my introduction to polyamory began. She had to explain it to me and of course there were many discussions between her and her husband, she and I, and the three of us.

So here I sit fourteen months later madly in love with this woman. The last fourteen months have been some of the most amazing months of my life as well as some of the most challenging. I truly believe that we were made for each other, and I've never been so in love in my life. She makes me want to be the best version of myself.

I have a couple of mutual friends through her that are poly and I have met a couple of poly friends in the lifestyle, but none of them do I consider close friends. I have no where to turn for advice or to vent about that struggles that come with the poly life and with being in the secondary part of a poly relationship. I honestly hate all the labels that come with being poly and with being in the lifestyle.

So here lies my question. Do any of you out there have struggles being in the secondary part of a poly relationship? Do you struggle or find yourself getting jealous? Wonder how you could stand to watch the woman you love marry and have children with someone where you aren't allowed to? Also at what point do you decide its time to find another partner?

I guess I just want to know that I am not the only woman out there that struggles or finds that being in this part of a poly relationship is just sometimes flat out hard! All words of advice and wisdom would be greatly appreciated!

 

[Bluebird]

Is there a reason why you can't marry or raise children together? It sounds like you'd like these to be options. Or is she happy to keep you secondary?

 

[Leetah]

Also you all should be keeping in mind that labels in relationships mean only what the individuals involved agree that they mean. The role of "husband" or "girlfriend", or for that matter, "friend" mean different things to different combinations of people. Polyamory has no set in stone rules, though if you come from a conservative religious background you may have grown up accustomed to relationships having such rules.

If you are chafing under the set of rules the three of you have you can have more discussions about roles and labels. It sounds as though your partner and her husband are pretty honest and open with you and willing to work things out.

Leetah

Oh! and have you already looked through the section here labeled "Golden Nuggets"? Lots of good stuff in there.

 

[Magdlyn]

So here lies my question. Do any of you out there have struggles being in the secondary part of a poly relationship? Do you struggle or find yourself getting jealous? Wonder how you could stand to watch the woman you love marry and have children with someone where you aren't allowed to? Also at what point do you decide its time to find another partner?

I guess I just want to know that I am not the only woman out there that struggles or finds that being in this part of a poly relationship is just sometimes flat out hard! All words of advice and wisdom would be greatly appreciated!

Jealousy is common in the human condition. So is envy, which might be more what you are feeling. It sounds like you wish you could be living with your gf one on one and planning a family. And maybe she is trying to conceive with her husband/fiance/boyfriend? It's not easy, kids and poly. We have had several threads on the topic over the years. Many many newly poly folk are of child bearing age, so you are far from alone.

Go and get yourself another partner at any time! One good thing about poly is, if one person isn't meeting all our needs, we can seek another who can meet them. Whether it's needing more sex than your partner is interested in, or someone to have a baby with, or just someone to go hiking with, or game with, or run with, or philosophise with, or knit with, or travel or go camping with, or go antiquing with, or go to any kind of event, or someone who likes a certain kind of music, or sport, or sexual kink, or... the list is endless.

I want to point out you said you aren't "allowed" to marry and have a child with your lover. Who is in charge of what you are and are not "allowed" to do? You're not a child. You get to make the rules for your life. We talk more about "consent" in poly, than "getting permission." It might seem like a quibble, but it isn't. Take back your power. Don't settle for scraps, if you need more.

 

[FallenAngelina]

I honestly hate all the labels that come with being poly and with being in the lifestyle.

There is no "lifestyle" for many of us, nor are we all locked into roles and labels. Poly is just one of many relationship options and it's all about open freedom of choice. In my view, a good poly experience should feel empowering and liberating, not dimishing and limiting. You don't have to be in or out of any "lifestyle" and you don't have to do things the way other people are doing poly. You get to choose.

One reason that a label like "secondary" feels diminishing is that it can carry connotations of being second choice, being a lower priority. in truth, there are many ways to be in the "secondary" role. The labels can only feel as limiting as your perception of yourself in the role. If you don't like the feeling of "secondary," then be the lover, the beloved confidant, the intimate girlfriend who gets to rendezvous with your woman in a way that no one else can. In this situation, create the image of yourself that makes your heart sing and your life will fill in around that. You never have to be the second place "secondary" just because you're with a partnered person. You can be the sparkly, exotic charmer that dances in her dreams and brings passion to her everyday world. Other people can't assign a role or label to us unless we go along with that image and see ourselves that way, too. How you perceive yourself is paramount.

 

[MrFarFromRight]

Hi, Beautifullyflawed, and welcome to the forum!

(Does your user name mean that your flaws are beautiful? I like that! I knew a woman who had a lack of confidence, including image issues. I can imagine that she was upset that her mouth was slightly twisted (among other insatisfactions with her looks). But that twisted mouth was just one of her perfections. She was one of the very few women I've ever known whose beauty made it hard for me to breathe.)

Warning: This is my first post!

Fourteen months ago I entered into my first polyamory relationship.

Well, what took you so long to get here?

I was about to ask Magdlyn why she was advising on getting another lover when you'd written:

I truly believe that we were made for each other, and I've never been so in love in my life. She makes me want to be the best version of myself.
[...]
Do you struggle or find yourself getting jealous? Wonder how you could stand to watch the woman you love marry and have children with someone where you aren't allowed to?

But then I re-read your OP and paid attention to this (which Magdlyn had caught the 1st time):

Also at what point do you decide its time to find another partner?

I certainly hope that you don't mean replace this woman (could you please give her - and her husband - pseudonyms [be nice, now!]) with another, but add another love to your life.

So, a few questions: How does she feel about you? Do you "make [her] want to be the best version of [her]self"? Is she madly in love with you? Does she feel that you "were made for each other"? Or are you a rather pleasant side dish to her wonderful marriage? Of course, you can't answer those questions. Only she can. But you might want to bring them up with her. Or not.

Just today, on another thread, somebody brought up the difference between envy and jealousy. Interesting. You call it "getting jealous". But maybe you really mean "getting envious"? Envy: wanting to have what the other has. Jealousy: wanting to take what the other has and have it instead of them.

So: do you want to be the sun, have her as your planet and him as her moon? Or would you like a binary sun system with one or more planets? Or a trinary sun system? Are there such things? (In space, I mean: in polyamory there are.)

You mention children. Does this mean that you'd like to share child-rearing with her? There are [at least] 2 ways to realise this. I'm not advising you to go for either, just saying that it's possible.

a) Your becoming a co-parent for the children that she already has. Search "co-parenting" on this thread, and you get 500 results. I believe that it's 500 because that's the limit that the search function establishes for results. Most recent at the top of the list, so that you might not find my own comments on the subject in there.

(Yes, I have co-parented and it can lead to heartbreak. Basically, in your [and my] situation, you'd have no legal rights: if things go wrong, the legal parents of the child[ren] can remove them from your life. A wonderful experience while you're living it... and painful when it goes skewiff.)

b) You could have children of your own (genetic or adopted) and invite her to co-parent. Ditto about heartbreak. Not an idea to put into practice until you, she [and he] have forged a better understanding of how the whole thing stands... and built on that for some time successfully.

Poly doesn't really work without good communication. Express your fears and your hopes.

I do a fair bit of hitch-hiking. There's something that I tell myself at motorway service areas after hours of rejections and thinking "no chance of him/her saying yes" (you'd be surprised): "If you don't ask, you're not going anywhere!"

I have nowhere to turn for advice or to vent about that struggles that come with the poly life

Again: welcome to the forum!

 

[MrFarFromRight]

you might not find my own comments on the subject in there!

He he he, so I went to "Advanced Search", typed in "co-parenting" as "Keyword(s)", and "MrFarFromRight" as "User Name"; setting "Show Results as" "Posts". I got 9 results*... including the one above.
Feel free to invade my privacy.

* Actually, 2 of those have the word "parenting", not "co-parenting".

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Beautifullyflawed31,

In case it might help, Franklin Veaux has some information about being (and having) a secondary. Try the link, https://www.morethantwo.com/polyconfigurations.html and go from there.

Hierarchical relationships can be problematic. You may be experiencing a kind of power imbalance, there are things you want that this relationship is not providing. What you have to decide is whether you want to leave the relationship or supplement it with an additional relationship. A lot of it depends on how you want to divide up your time.

Anyways those are my thoughts.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Beautifullyflawed31]

Is there a reason why you can't marry or raise children together? It sounds like you'd like these to be options. Or is she happy to keep you secondary?

First off, I am not completely sure that I am doing this right, but I am going to try anyway. I am just trying to reply to your comment.

We can't marry because it isn't legal if she already married. And as for kids...I think she might actually be up for having kids with me, but that to me is a really scary and unstable thing. Now I know that any relationship can fall apart including a marriage, however it is scary to think that if we weren't together I would be raising the child on my own. I was raised by a single mother who did an amazing job, but she struggled and I am not sure that I ever want to put myself in that position.

She also seems content to keep me secondary, which makes me think that marriage and kids aren't going to be an option for me without adding another partner to the mix.

 

[Bluebird]

Gotcha.

You don't necessarily need a piece of paper from the government to be married, just so you know. I have an "unsanctioned & inappropriate civil union" with my 2nd husband PunkRock. We had a UU church official give us a handfasting over a year ago. We actually aren't church members, but they are poly-friendly and we eloped to a private cottage in the Virginia mountains, and with a donation, they were willing to travel and perform a ceremony for us. I don't feel less married even though it isn't legal. Really, other than the lack of health insurance sharing ability - which we don't need - we do have a joint checking account, co-habitate, he's my health care proxy and he has medical power of attorney, we are each other's life insurance beneficiaries, and I am 100% benefit holder for his retirement account. You can make your lives more entwined if you'd like. We could also have babies, but neither of us want them.

I wouldn't recommend procreating with someone if you don't want to be a single parent, but that is a risk no matter what your relationship status.

 

[PurpleSun]

One of the best things about being poly is the freedom to seek what you want. It's not "cheating" if you want to go find a primary. That seems to be what you wish you were to this woman - her primary partner. Since that isn't a possibility, it seems, perhaps you could find another woman (or man) to be your primary? Just a thought.

Also, perhaps you guys could rehash whatever rules and roles you have set down presently. In a relationship with several moving parts, adjustments often have to be made in order to keep everyone's needs met.