Swinging between contentment and insecurity

[anamikanon]

Background: I am in an LDR with Spexy for the last two years. We are committed to each other, but live in different cities out of necessity for now. He comes to my place for a week each month or so. A few months ago, Spexy cheated (not poly) on me with another woman, and the situation rapidly went from bad to worse with a lot of lies and trust broken. He has communication difficulties (alexythimia) and basically got in beyond his depth and it snowballed. His NRE with that relationship led to some awful behavior with me. The "relationship" lasted maybe a week before he broke it off because I was an emotional wreck, and he was out of depth with that relationship, but the damage done was tremendous.

Since then he has been committed to fixing our relationship. We have both been working towards improving our relationship. Our relationship has evolved profoundly, and in many ways is better than it was before he got involved with the other woman. There had been a rough year on the home front with issues of parental illness (my father died after a long illness a few months before Spexy's affair, my son has disabilities and had to undergo a major surgery) and we had been in fire fighting mode with little time for our relationship, unlike now. When we are together, I feel loved. We are very close.

When we are apart, it varies. Sometimes I am totally in love and feel loved and a chat can feel like we are talking in person. Other times he comes across as distant, or I'm simply not interested in talking to him and after a while of this, I start feeling very insecure. Erratic frequency of connecting is normal behavior for us, not really "ignoring" and in fact, largely because of my own disinclination for small talk. I am less inclined than he is to defocus from what i am engrossed in to focus on small talk (which makes this more embarrassing for me to get insecure and clingy). Of course, we are available and attentive, if there is something needing attention.

But a few times of me wanting to talk to him and him being unavailable, I start suspecting that he is again getting distant and taking me for granted, or getting disinterested or just bored that we (my son from previous marriage and I) are in another city. I start feeling anxious that this is just a honeymoon phase after a bad shock.

He assures me this isn't true. That he has learned a very hard lesson and absolutely wants us in his life. He has tried to help me deal with my insecurity by telling me to call him immediately if I feel neglected and he doesn't realize it. And he has always been unhesitatingly attentive if I do so. Without fail. To the point of rescheduling work to talk to me if I need it. He blames himself for the insecurity I feel and is willing to reassure me for as long as it takes for me to "not hurt myself for being hurt by him". I believe him. I know when he's laying his heart bare. His actions back it. But in a down mood, I am skeptical that it will last even though his behavior has been consistent for months now.

I am irritating the daylights out of myself because logically I know I'm inventing problems where there are none. And also because I don't do clingy normally. I feel awkward and stupid.

How can I get past this?

 

[Deleted member 157725]

.

 

[Tinwen]

He assures me this isn't true. That he has learned a very hard lesson and absolutely wants us in his life. He has tried to help me deal with my insecurity by telling me to call him immediately if I feel neglected and he doesn't realize it. And he has always been unhesitatingly attentive if I do so. Without fail.

Seems he's really trying.
How about practicing gratitude? If you are greatful, you can't feel distant, and if you are too insecure to be greatful, you can ask him to talk to you.

 

[jayblue122]

He may be sorry, but do you forgive him?

 

[kdt26417]

Hi anamikanon,

I wonder if you are maybe beating yourself up over a process that's going to take some time. You have lost trust in Spexy; you won't get that trust back overnight. Don't beat yourself up, just do like Spexy said and call him when you are feeling insecure. In time, you may not need to call him so often, but don't rush it.

That's my two bits,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle. I'm sorry to hear of your father's passing.

BACKGROUND

LDR with Spexy.

• Already challenging enough with
  
  • alexythimia/communcation problems
  • distance/living in different towns
  • fighting all the time
  • your father ill and dying
  • your son's disabilities and surgery.

Then Spexy has a cheating affair a few months ago.

• Many lies
• Broken trust
• awful behavior with you

All that sounds rough to me.

To me you don't sound clingy. You sound like you got dinged with the cheating affair, and you are trying to start a new thing with Spexy. The SITUATION is not yet secure. So of course you don't feel stable living inside it yet.

The "relationship" lasted maybe a week before he broke it off because I was an emotional wreck, and he was out of depth with that relationship, but the damage done was tremendous.

I'm not hearing an apology was made. Did he apologize?

And does he want to be here to be with you? Or is he here because his other thing folded and you are the back up plan?

Is that what you are struggling with?

Since then he has been committed to fixing our relationship.

Is this wanted by you? Or is it more like dinged by one thing after another and you are just trying to stay afloat?

But a few times of me wanting to talk to him and him being unavailable, I start suspecting that he is again getting distant and taking me for granted, or getting disinterested or just bored that we are in another city. I start feeling anxious that this is just a honeymoon phase after a bad shock.

Might be. Might not be. Only time will tell.

I think what you feel are normal feelings. This just happened. Even if you both want to rebuild trust, it takes time.

I had an ex who broke agreements. To me that means we're done. He wanted to try again. I wanted a time out to think on this new offer. Because I was still processing from the break up. I can't leap from one thing to another just like that. I don't work that way.

He over inundated with with calls, attention, time, gifts -- bending over backwards basically trying to quell HIS anxiety/upset/guilt stuff. He said he would do anything I asked.

I said I didn't want this flood from him. I wanted time and space on my own for a few weeks to sort out my feelings and decide if I wanted to try again with or not WITHOUT all this WHOOSHY. I cannot just bounce back at the snap of a finger! I wanted for him to listen and respect my need for some quiet time so I could regroup.

But he didn't want to do that. So I ended it. If he says he will do anything I want, and he cannot leave me be for a few weeks to show respect and good faith? Then I couldn't trust him with bigger things. I couldn't trust he would be earnest and respectful in making needed repairs or in keeping any new agreements.

But that is me -- you have to figure out what you need and what you want to do.

But in a down mood, I am skeptical that it will last even though his behavior has been consistent for months now.

Well, he broke his Word. It's going to be hard for you to take his Word as trustworthy again so soon after cheating. Even if he is bending over backwards trying to make amends saying this time is different?

The one that takes the risk is you by trusting in his Word again. It's ok for you to be skeptical.

You are busy trying to figure out if he is actually earnest or he's putting on a show just to regain access to you. Again, only time will tell.

I am irritating the daylights out of myself because logically I know I'm inventing problems where there are none. And also because I don't do clingy normally. I feel awkward and stupid.

How can I get past this?

You could also stop calling your own self names like "inventing problems" or "clingy, awkward, stupid." How else is it supposed to feel post cheating affair when you are trying to assess if you want to keep going or not with the cheating partner? It's not a fun thing.

But it is what it is. Don't add to your load by being your own bully and calling yourself names. You have enough to process without bonus load.

You could accept healing from a cheating affair takes time, and maybe think about seeing a counselor to help you sort if you have the heart for this or if you just don't.

Do you want to forgive? Yes or no? I suggest yes, because holding grudges forever only hurts you.

Do you want to give opportunity to make amends? It is possible to forgive someone WITHOUT giving opportunity to make amends.

Do you want to start again? It is possible to forgive, make amends, but not start a new dating relationship with them again after the cheating.

If his bending over backwards right now is more about him assuaging his feeling guilty? Then his actions might be ringing hollow to you. So maybe you don't want to continue. Or maybe you want to postpone deciding if you want to continue or not til he's off the "honeymoon" and behaving more "normal" so you can see what it is you are really going to get if you do take him back.

If you take him back, then you need to work on what you need from YOU and from HIM to be willing to risk trusting in his Word again. Are each of you actually able to do them?

A mere few months after the cheating affair is still very fresh. That's why I suggest a counselor -- to help you sort out what it is you need.

You have to determine if you are willing and able to trust him again or not.

• You might be willing, but not able.
• You might be unwilling, but able.
• You might be unwilling and unable.
• You might willing and able... after X things happen. And you have to define X.

Figure out which one you land on. And go from there.

Galagirl

 

[anamikanon]

I had gone missing after posting this thread. Mostly because I didn't really have any reply to the many things said. I was overwhelmed, muddled and incoherent. The comments and questions asked needed me to think too clearly and put words to things I was vague about. Then I forgot. The relationship between Spexy and me has improved considerably since and continues to improve. I often have "episodes" where I revisit what happened and process things I'd avoided looking at too closely earlier just to be able to cope.

Earlier, last night (it is 4 am in India), I had something of a meltdown and revisited a lot of the cheating affair stuff. He was sad and upset that it still had the power to hurt me, but as always was willing to listen and answer anything I asked.

The main thing that had always been screaming in my head about that affair was WHY. WHY do this, why throw away our relationship when I didn't even have a problem with you having a relationship.... and so on. I knew why. I had experienced it. I had stated it. He had denied it. He had always replied with self-blame "I was a prick" "I was stupid" and so on. But without actually answering the questions and all my efforts to get him to answer them were in vain. The answers were too hurtful to voice. This evasiveness added to continuing insecurity.

I had my suspicions and voiced them over and over. That our relationship was in a bad phase with a lot of stresses and he had simply lost interest and I didn't matter to him and so on. He had always denied this. Choosing to say "I did it because I was stupid" etc. Which is probably a correct assessment in hindsight after he learned to value me again, but it was not the answer for why he did it, and he denied the answers I guessed.

Today, I persisted. I was not able to trust his words because I didn't trust him to be honest if the answers were difficult. We had a long and very hurtful conversation where I walked him through the whole thing and asked why he did specific things. and asked him to answer no matter how ugly the answer was.

So yes, he had stopped valuing me, and I was very inconvenient in another city, constant medical problems in family and related stress and the ease of connecting with the woman had made him see me as too much of a hassle, so be broke off with me the night things started getting interesting with her though he didn't know they would go anywhere at that point. In broad daylight and off the NRE of just returning from her, he was aghast at what he did. I may be inconvenient, but I cared about him and he wanted that. So he wanted to be back.

He didn't tell me the details of his relationship because he'd stopped really giving a fuck about me, though he appreciated the care he received from me. So he didn't see it as my business. The same for a lot of other cruel behavior. He did not find the other woman as caring of him after being with her. In fact he found her intimidating and uncaring/cold(?). He later learned to appreciate me again after his intoxication with NRE was done and he experienced how we are together and the love he felt from me and for me again.

These were brutal truths to hear for me, but no less than I had already guessed and also stated, though he had denied till tonight. It was as though instead of trickling one hurtful discovery after another, I was finally able to get the whole picture, which wasn't such a big deal as his honesty - I needed that, or we'd be wrecked at the next problem and I'd be done. NOT going to go through this crap ever again. Once is a mistake, twice is OUT.

I think I equate honesty with trust. I felt hurt, of course. Who wants to hear that they were too inconvenient for a lover, so got dumped in the throes of NRE. But it was also a relief. No more the well-intentioned gaslighting telling me that what I experienced was wrong, just to avoid me the hurt of confirming it.

Whatever the state of our relationship was then, I feel loved by him since then. Today I also felt respected with the truth. I felt more able to trust him to tell the truth even if it was not convenient. I don't think this is the end of the healing journey, but it is one of the huge steps.

I also made peace with this impatience I was feeling about feeling insecure. I see that he is willing to support me as we try to build the broken trust. I am less embarrassed about being needy or that my being needy or irritating could damage the relationship.

Ironically, I don't feel as clingy so the point is moot, I guess.

I feel able to respond to the comments on this thread now and I think they are relevant to where we are today. I will.

 

[anamikanon]

He may be sorry, but do you forgive him?

Yes. I forgave him almost immediately. Like one would forgive a patient for acting in a way their illness causes. He was a patient of NRE.

While I was badly hurt, I also had 2 years of feeling loved to know how he was like when not demented with NRE. His behavior just "wasn't him" as I repeatedly pointed out to him as well as on the forum. He was acting like someone else. I knew he loved me all through. He couldn't see it.

It isn't a man who is done with a relationship who runs himself ragged and rushes to another city for emergency after emergency. It wasn't fun and frankly no one, not even I wanted to be in that situation, but if I was merely a hassle, he'd have bailed long ago. A year is a long time. It was a year truly from hell. Dad died after being bedridden for ages, kid had multiple surgeries... bailing out after all that was done and we had a breather made no sense. More like now that we had a breather, he had time for something like an NRE high.

He was basically thinking with his dick and gone plain bonkers. He wasn't acting like himself at all - even himself with people he dislikes. He'd totally lost it. But it "wasn't him" so to say. I took it with a large pinch of NRE salt. Though the hurt was very real. Still often is.

 

[anamikanon]

Hi anamikanon,

I wonder if you are maybe beating yourself up over a process that's going to take some time. You have lost trust in Spexy; you won't get that trust back overnight. Don't beat yourself up, just do like Spexy said and call him when you are feeling insecure. In time, you may not need to call him so often, but don't rush it.

That's my two bits,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

You are right. I see that now.

 

[anamikanon]

I am sorry you struggle. I'm sorry to hear of your father's passing.

By the time dad died, it was a good thing. I couldn't help smiling in relief at the funeral. The last months were awful. He was long gone and bedridden with just us two women in the home, caring for him was extraordinarily difficult to sustain even with part time help. Part of the reason why he was fed up. Every time we had a medical scare or emergency, he ended up dropping all, juggling job, spending on flights to be here to support me.

All that sounds rough to me.

To me you don't sound clingy. You sound like you got dinged with the cheating affair, and you are trying to start a new thing with Spexy. The SITUATION is not yet secure. So of course you don't feel stable living inside it yet.

Yes. I see that now. At that time I was just desperate to become my "normal" confident self again.

I'm not hearing an apology was made. Did he apologize?

He apologized over and over. He hasn't stopped apologising. He's on the forum now. If he sees this post, he'll land up in the comments with YET ANOTHER apology. He has hurt himself very badly too with what he did.

And does he want to be here to be with you?

Yes.

Or is he here because his other thing folded and you are the back up plan?

I was the stand by while he had the affair. I think his endgame was that I'd continue to care for him in the background while he had fun with the new woman. I don't think he intended to let me go, but I definitely think that if that other thing hadn't folded, he'd probably take longer to appreciate me. I am just guessing. It is also possible that he could have dumped me. Not going there for now. I still have a lot more relevant things to process.

Dumping me wouldn't be easy for many reasons - he's committed to me and stated his commitment to family and friends. None of them are the sort to look kindly on dumping a woman for greener pastures. Navigating all that would likely bring him to his senses. And my presence in his life has been profound in many ways - he has never really felt accepted as a person before me. That is pretty big. AND we were not even close to a break up when this drama went down. In fact, he was bringing up arguments for why we should marry! So I tend to think that there were several things that would sober up NRE in the way of dumping me and making it stick. And when in his senses, it doesn't make sense that he'd dump me.

Is this wanted by you? Or is it more like dinged by one thing after another and you are just trying to stay afloat?

Yes, both. At that time. Now I think we are afloat just fine for several months and making steady progress with rebuilding our trust. Small but definite steps.

I think what you feel are normal feelings. This just happened. Even if you both want to rebuild trust, it takes time.

Yes, I see that now. At that point, I was just terrified that I was going to be this brokenish kind of clingy person and wanted the hell out of this insecurity ASAP.

I had an ex who broke agreements. To me that means we're done. .. If he says he will do anything I want, and he cannot leave me be for a few weeks to show respect and good faith? Then I couldn't trust him with bigger things. I couldn't trust he would be earnest and respectful in making needed repairs or in keeping any new agreements.

He wasn't imposing. I was not ready to break up till he told me stone cold and sober without any NRE going that he didn't want me anymore. I wanted this mess fixed because it was too hurtful as it was and ever since he realized he had made a massive mistake, he has consistently done all he can to make repairs.

Well, he broke his Word[...]The one that takes the risk is you by trusting in his Word again. It's ok for you to be skeptical.

You are busy trying to figure out if he is actually earnest or he's putting on a show just to regain access to you. Again, only time will tell.

Last night was the first time anything to reassure me on that front (other than his stated intentions and ineffective, but consistent efforts) happened. After the conversation last night, I at least know it is possible for him to be honest with me if answers are difficult. I didn't even know that, let alone trust it.

You could also stop calling your own self names like "inventing problems" or "clingy, awkward, stupid." How else is it supposed to feel post cheating affair when you are trying to assess if you want to keep going or not with the cheating partner? It's not a fun thing.

yes. Thank you for standing up for me when I clearly didn't do it myself.

 

[anamikanon]

Seems he's really trying.
How about practicing gratitude? If you are greatful, you can't feel distant, and if you are too insecure to be greatful, you can ask him to talk to you.

This is not a problem now. I don't need to talk to him as often to reassure myself and I am also able to talk to him if I need to without blaming myself for it.

 

[Shaya]

It's good to see that things can improve even when it all just looks like hell. It's also good to see people choosing to handle NRE in a manner other than serial monogamy, and seeing them state that things can still be good or improved afterwards.

Thanks Anamikanon.