Inyourendo
New member
I started a post a couple years back, but things have changed, so I thought I would start a new one. Background: I often fantasized about being a sister wife when I was a teenager. My girlfriends and I would share boys and the idea of sharing a husband with my best friend really appealed to me. I met my ex-husband when we were 17, and until 3 years later when he met another woman, I did not ever consider an open marriage, it wasn't even in my eyeline. So he meets this girl and said that he wanted to have sex with her. I had been with many people before we met, but I had been his first kiss. Experimenting was something that was really important to him, so I gave him a blessing to have a ONE-time meeting for sex with her. For the next 2 years she was in and out of our lives. We broke up two times over this. He wanted to be with her but wasn't being respectful of me or my boundaries. When I finally did become comfortable with her, and said she could move in, she had decided that she wasn't willing to share him, and she left.
After 11 years together, my ex and I parted ways when I met my current husband, Nate. I met him online and fell in love with him over the phone. I knew the first night that I wanted to be with him forever, and I knew my ex wouldn't allow me to have a male partner, so I left him.
Nate and I went into our relationship with it being sexually open, but I was not yet willing for him to have an emotional relationship with anyone else. Over the years, he’s had some 20 sex partners and a long-term friend with benefits (she at one point called herself his gf). I had had a few casual encounters with men, but they left me very unfulfilled. After 2.5 years of not having any sexual partners other than Nate, and honestly not caring, I would go on dates here and there, but never met anyone acceptable, I really started to question whether or not I was poly. I hadn't met anyone else that I came close to wanting to have a romantic relationship with.
Then Sam came into my life. I met him in winter of 2011 through a friend of mine. I immediately liked him. He’s very good looking, smart, funny, weird, etc. He actually works at my agency. I told my friend that I liked him. She started seeing him and I lost interest in being romantic with him after she got her hooks into him. They just had sex the one time, but I wasn't interested in being with someone that she had been with. I was also pregnant at that time and then had to work on losing the weight, taking care of a newborn and starting college for the first time. The timing wasn't right, but every few months his name would come up at work, or I would see him at the office and shoot him a text. He always kept it formal and I never got the vibe that he was interested in me. I would take him off the shelf, dust him off and put him back. I still liked him. I figured it was a fun game to keep tabs on him.
Nate was going to be in a Fri-Tues medical study for 5 weeks straight, so i thought I would check out the strictly platonic section of Craigslist to see if there was anyone interesting I could talk with to occupy my lonely time with Nate gone. I read this very awesome ad and I messaged them “Your name wouldn’t happen to be Sam, would it?” It was not Sam (it was actually this Richard guy that I already knew lol) but it put Sam in my head that night. So I thought I would send him a text and ask him out finally.
We started texting and he did agree to go out on a date. It turned out he was sick as a dog in bed and was using my texts as a welcome distraction from his pain. He discovered through texting me that there was a lot more to me than what he imagined and I discovered that he had been watching me from afar for awhile.
He had a horrible breakup from his ex and I reminded him too much of her. He thought I was some swinger just looking for a temporary boy toy and he didn't want to get involved with me. (The second time we had met was at my friend's house and she had tried to get me to make out with her in front of him. I wasn't feeling it, so I didn't, and thank goodness I didn't, because he’s monogamous and that would have totally turned him off from me forever.) He learned that I wanted every bit to be a girlfriend to him and that I wanted forever, not some fling. He tried to fight it (he says) but he fell madly in love with me, and even though it's been a very short time, I know that eventually he will be a second husband to me.
Something I discovered about Sam is that he is a very romantic and sensitive man. There were no games here. He loved me and wanted me to be his girlfriend. He is willing to be with me even though he is monogamous because he loves me very much. He immediately integrated me into his life. I feel like it’s gone by so fast, but at the same time it feels like forever. I am so happy that I have him in my life. I look forward to our future together and honestly can't believe I am really in the position I am in. I never thought that I would have 2 amazing men in my life who love me so much.
Even though, in theory, I was always going to have another partner, in the 5 years Nate and I had been together I hadn't had any partners beyond casually dating, so this has been an adjustment for Nate because he’s not use to having me gone. he’s not use to me loving another. it’s been an adjustment for me too. I don't want to overshare, because I don't want Nate to feel sad, but I also don't want him to feel like I’m hiding things from him either.
I originally wanted to have 1 night a week with another partner, but I discovered that just isn't enough. I crave to see Sam so much, and I also want to be there for him so he doesn't feel like he’s just some afterthought to me. he does understand that I have a family and obligations, so i negotiated that I would spend Sat and Mon nights with Sam. I work Tues and Wed night, so that leaves Thurs, Fri and Sun night for Nate, if he doesn't have plans with someone else.
Nate doesn't have any partners. He had his “girlfriend” Jane, but she has a boyfriend now, and she and Nate are no longer having sex with each other. Nate feels sad that I have someone else and he doesn't. Saturday seemed particularly hard for him this week, because he wanted to make plans to go to a show with someone and didnt have anyone he was willing to go with. He did go over and screw his fuck buddy but that doesnt really give him that emotional or intellectual connection that he craves.
Nate told me that he feels that he’s not good enough for me and that the only women that are interested in him are people that he doesn't want to have a relationship with. this isnt really a new thing, he’s always had terrible self esteem even though he’s very attractive, smart and funny. he’s an artist and very much has an artist’s temperament. he’s always criticizing himself and doesn't seem to find joy in the successes he has. when i got back home Sunday afternoon I really tried to focus on Nate, but he chalked that up to "Sam being at game night,” rather than me wanting to spend time with him. we cuddled on the couch and watched X Files for a few hours, but he still said that he felt disconnected. I try very hard to focus on him when we are together, not gush about Sam, and to listen and talk to him. it seems that we have these very long discussions about his feelings every day. Now, I don't mind it. I love talking, but I feel like I'm constantly reassuring him, and often I find myself feeling guilty that he feels this way.
In the past, I might have ended a relationship before it even started, for the fact that i don't like conflict, I don't like feeling uncomfortable or having tension, so if that meant just being monogamous while Nate had a bunch of sex partners, so be it. But I wont do that with Sam. I'm in love with him. I'm not willing to go without him and I'm not willing to break his heart, either. Nate will just have to get over it.
Last night he said “I don't know if I will ever be ok with this." That was really hard to hear. What have we been doing all these years? he’s known that I was looking for another partner all these years. was he banking on that I wouldn't find someone? Granted, up until Sam said he would be my boyfriend, I had not, but I thought it might happen someday. Up until Sam I hadn't met anyone that met the huge laundry list of requirements that i had in a partner. Not only that, but they had to obviously be interested in me and there also had to be chemistry.
I hadnt met anyone close to that. I guess looking back now I can see why Nate thought it was safe to say I would never find anyone long term and he would never have to share me with someone. I mean, other than Jane, whom he didn't have a romantic relationship with, beyond a casual friendship and sex, he hadn't had a real girlfriend.
How would I handle it if he loved someone? I imagine if I wasn't with Sam I would feel intimidated, insecure, scared to lose him, scared of the changes, etc. I get where Nate is coming from and I'm doing my darndest to make sure that I am giving him everything that he needs (that I can give). The only thing I wont do is let him sabotage things with Sam. I don't think he will, but I know there have been people out there that pick fights right before a date and demand that their partner cancel to “work things out.” I made it clear to Nate that wasn't something I would allow. I also wont allow Nate to have a veto. Sam isn't someone who is dispensable. If Nate is having remorse for being poly at this point, it’s too late for him to go back now.
After 11 years together, my ex and I parted ways when I met my current husband, Nate. I met him online and fell in love with him over the phone. I knew the first night that I wanted to be with him forever, and I knew my ex wouldn't allow me to have a male partner, so I left him.
Nate and I went into our relationship with it being sexually open, but I was not yet willing for him to have an emotional relationship with anyone else. Over the years, he’s had some 20 sex partners and a long-term friend with benefits (she at one point called herself his gf). I had had a few casual encounters with men, but they left me very unfulfilled. After 2.5 years of not having any sexual partners other than Nate, and honestly not caring, I would go on dates here and there, but never met anyone acceptable, I really started to question whether or not I was poly. I hadn't met anyone else that I came close to wanting to have a romantic relationship with.
Then Sam came into my life. I met him in winter of 2011 through a friend of mine. I immediately liked him. He’s very good looking, smart, funny, weird, etc. He actually works at my agency. I told my friend that I liked him. She started seeing him and I lost interest in being romantic with him after she got her hooks into him. They just had sex the one time, but I wasn't interested in being with someone that she had been with. I was also pregnant at that time and then had to work on losing the weight, taking care of a newborn and starting college for the first time. The timing wasn't right, but every few months his name would come up at work, or I would see him at the office and shoot him a text. He always kept it formal and I never got the vibe that he was interested in me. I would take him off the shelf, dust him off and put him back. I still liked him. I figured it was a fun game to keep tabs on him.
Nate was going to be in a Fri-Tues medical study for 5 weeks straight, so i thought I would check out the strictly platonic section of Craigslist to see if there was anyone interesting I could talk with to occupy my lonely time with Nate gone. I read this very awesome ad and I messaged them “Your name wouldn’t happen to be Sam, would it?” It was not Sam (it was actually this Richard guy that I already knew lol) but it put Sam in my head that night. So I thought I would send him a text and ask him out finally.
We started texting and he did agree to go out on a date. It turned out he was sick as a dog in bed and was using my texts as a welcome distraction from his pain. He discovered through texting me that there was a lot more to me than what he imagined and I discovered that he had been watching me from afar for awhile.
He had a horrible breakup from his ex and I reminded him too much of her. He thought I was some swinger just looking for a temporary boy toy and he didn't want to get involved with me. (The second time we had met was at my friend's house and she had tried to get me to make out with her in front of him. I wasn't feeling it, so I didn't, and thank goodness I didn't, because he’s monogamous and that would have totally turned him off from me forever.) He learned that I wanted every bit to be a girlfriend to him and that I wanted forever, not some fling. He tried to fight it (he says) but he fell madly in love with me, and even though it's been a very short time, I know that eventually he will be a second husband to me.
Something I discovered about Sam is that he is a very romantic and sensitive man. There were no games here. He loved me and wanted me to be his girlfriend. He is willing to be with me even though he is monogamous because he loves me very much. He immediately integrated me into his life. I feel like it’s gone by so fast, but at the same time it feels like forever. I am so happy that I have him in my life. I look forward to our future together and honestly can't believe I am really in the position I am in. I never thought that I would have 2 amazing men in my life who love me so much.
Even though, in theory, I was always going to have another partner, in the 5 years Nate and I had been together I hadn't had any partners beyond casually dating, so this has been an adjustment for Nate because he’s not use to having me gone. he’s not use to me loving another. it’s been an adjustment for me too. I don't want to overshare, because I don't want Nate to feel sad, but I also don't want him to feel like I’m hiding things from him either.
I originally wanted to have 1 night a week with another partner, but I discovered that just isn't enough. I crave to see Sam so much, and I also want to be there for him so he doesn't feel like he’s just some afterthought to me. he does understand that I have a family and obligations, so i negotiated that I would spend Sat and Mon nights with Sam. I work Tues and Wed night, so that leaves Thurs, Fri and Sun night for Nate, if he doesn't have plans with someone else.
Nate doesn't have any partners. He had his “girlfriend” Jane, but she has a boyfriend now, and she and Nate are no longer having sex with each other. Nate feels sad that I have someone else and he doesn't. Saturday seemed particularly hard for him this week, because he wanted to make plans to go to a show with someone and didnt have anyone he was willing to go with. He did go over and screw his fuck buddy but that doesnt really give him that emotional or intellectual connection that he craves.
Nate told me that he feels that he’s not good enough for me and that the only women that are interested in him are people that he doesn't want to have a relationship with. this isnt really a new thing, he’s always had terrible self esteem even though he’s very attractive, smart and funny. he’s an artist and very much has an artist’s temperament. he’s always criticizing himself and doesn't seem to find joy in the successes he has. when i got back home Sunday afternoon I really tried to focus on Nate, but he chalked that up to "Sam being at game night,” rather than me wanting to spend time with him. we cuddled on the couch and watched X Files for a few hours, but he still said that he felt disconnected. I try very hard to focus on him when we are together, not gush about Sam, and to listen and talk to him. it seems that we have these very long discussions about his feelings every day. Now, I don't mind it. I love talking, but I feel like I'm constantly reassuring him, and often I find myself feeling guilty that he feels this way.
In the past, I might have ended a relationship before it even started, for the fact that i don't like conflict, I don't like feeling uncomfortable or having tension, so if that meant just being monogamous while Nate had a bunch of sex partners, so be it. But I wont do that with Sam. I'm in love with him. I'm not willing to go without him and I'm not willing to break his heart, either. Nate will just have to get over it.
Last night he said “I don't know if I will ever be ok with this." That was really hard to hear. What have we been doing all these years? he’s known that I was looking for another partner all these years. was he banking on that I wouldn't find someone? Granted, up until Sam said he would be my boyfriend, I had not, but I thought it might happen someday. Up until Sam I hadn't met anyone that met the huge laundry list of requirements that i had in a partner. Not only that, but they had to obviously be interested in me and there also had to be chemistry.
I hadnt met anyone close to that. I guess looking back now I can see why Nate thought it was safe to say I would never find anyone long term and he would never have to share me with someone. I mean, other than Jane, whom he didn't have a romantic relationship with, beyond a casual friendship and sex, he hadn't had a real girlfriend.
How would I handle it if he loved someone? I imagine if I wasn't with Sam I would feel intimidated, insecure, scared to lose him, scared of the changes, etc. I get where Nate is coming from and I'm doing my darndest to make sure that I am giving him everything that he needs (that I can give). The only thing I wont do is let him sabotage things with Sam. I don't think he will, but I know there have been people out there that pick fights right before a date and demand that their partner cancel to “work things out.” I made it clear to Nate that wasn't something I would allow. I also wont allow Nate to have a veto. Sam isn't someone who is dispensable. If Nate is having remorse for being poly at this point, it’s too late for him to go back now.
Several people were there last night. Comfortable with that. People that actually talk to me on a regular basis know that I'm poly and about Sam anyway. He says he's proud to have me as a girlfriend and I'm not ashamed to be poly. I'm the weird vegan chic who had 2 unassisted homebirths, ate my placenta. Nothing I do should shock those people. lol