Talking it out

Hubby and I have continued looking at the mobile homes to see if we find something we like. So many are in age restricted parks, however, that it will definitely take some time. They also sell so fast! It's been fun looking, though, and I'm getting a clearer idea of what I actually want so that we don't end up with something I feel stuck with a year from now. To be fair, Hubby only wants to stay in it for about 5 years, so it's not like it'll have to be a good "forever" home.

Pregnancy is starting to mess with my libido in a serious way. Hubby notices it more since he's around day after day, but I've not even been able to rouse up my normal level of enthusiasm on date nights with Boy. I've apologized to both and am HOPING that the quickly approaching second trimester brings with it more energy and the return of my sexual appetite. Both have been very understanding about it, though, and continue to just support me and accept cuddles. I really am lucky to have them.

We all went to see a movie the other day. It was lovely getting to shift from leaning on one to leaning on the other throughout. Hubby and I are going over to Boy's in a couple of weeks for some games and such, too. I bought Hubby a couple of new ones for his birthday so we can take them, too. :) He's really excited, which is nice since he hasn't been feeling all that secure. I think I've been doing a better job at reassuring AND dispelling some of the assumptions he has about my time with Boy. Like, no, we haven't been having sex every single time lately.

Oh, a funny thing did happen the other day. Boy said something about talking about me to someone and I asked what he said. He commented that he said something about "my girlfriend." I joked that I never agreed to that and he basically told me that's what I am so I need to deal with it. I laughed, Hubby asked what was funny, then took credit! Back when Boy and I first fell back into the dating routine Hubby asked us wtf was going on and that's when Boy started using the titles. I just never really confronted him, because, well, facts are facts. We see each other at least once a week, talk daily, are ridiculously cute in public (we're told), and all the stuff that typically signals a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. It was funny to bring it up almost a year later, though.
 
Hubby's birthday is coming up and I just found the perfect gift. It combines his main interest at the moment with my love of getting out and doing things together. He'll love it and we'll have so much fun experiencing the various locations it includes together. :D The best part is, we can space out visiting the different places over the course of a couple of months so we're not pressured to do too much at any particular time. He's still getting used to a new job and I'm tired all the time, so we need to be able to be chill about any plans we make.

In other news... Boy just told me he may have a date this week. He said he's not sure if it'll happen or even if he's that interested, but... I'm still fighting the immediate surge of insecurities. He's been great lately. He has given me no reason to believe that he is going to try to replace me because I'm going to get huge and unattractive and will be limited sexually because of being pregnant. He is making an increased effort in planning things with me and balancing our innate tendencies to stay in with actually going out and doing things together. He shows he cares. He hasn't dated in... a long while... because he only wants to get involved with someone poly who would (eventually) be comfortable with being around me for holidays and such since those events are important to me. I KNOW I am an important part of his life.

So why do I immediately think he's going to fall in love, leave me, and never look back? I'm silly and going to blame the hormones. Yep. Seems like a plan. I'm also going to repeat to myself all of the above if the insecurities try to creep back in. Even now he is researching some things for a trip we've talked about all summer. I'm not going to mention the string of crazy that ran through my head unless it actually lingers and bothers me. I'm thinking it was a gut reaction that will calm after being addressed by rationality.
 
Well, Hubby's birthday gift fell through. He asked for something specific and then I couldn't afford the thing I was excited about. Oh, well. At least he got what he wanted! I told him about my idea, though, and he kind of regretted that it wasn't still feasible. Maybe next year.

He has still been struggling with some insecurity, and I've made a couple of shitty decisions lately that exacerbated it. We had a nice talk this week, though, and seem to be in a good place for now. It'll help that Boy and I have plans that stay away from my house the next few weeks. It'll give Hubby some much needed space and down time. I've been so tired lately, but Hubby has been so sweet taking care of me. We cuddle on the couch, and I feel guilty about the lack of sex but honestly just can't bring myself to dredge up the energy! Weekends are about the only possibility unless I get a nap after work, but then he doesn't come to bed at the same time as me so our schedules don't mesh. It's a mess. lol At least he seems okay with it since it's not my libido, per se, but my energy level.

Boy went on that date. He told her about me and she immediately said she wasn't interested. I guess she's poly-curious, but not interested in someone who is already committed to anyone - even in a more secondary/non life building way. Although Boy said he was committed to me, which was shocking enough to me. haha.

We've actually had some conversations lately about family style poly and polyfidelity vs being truly open. He's always been more adamant about being open before since all of his monogamous relationships have been so unpleasant. Apparently my pregnancy is making him reconsider. He knows Hubby would prefer a more family style arrangement, and Boy is starting to think that might work for him. I don't know if I should be flattered or feel like he's settling. :/ He seems happy, though, and has been asking to spend more time with me than usual the last couple of months. He's also made more of an effort to include Hubby in some things, inviting both of us to his house for small gatherings a couple of times and picking movies he knows Hubby wants to see so he can go too and such. It's been nice, but a weird balance with Hubby's issues. I think they've helped some because he knows Boy cares and isn't trying to replace him by any means. It's hurt because it means Boy has been around a lot. You win some, you lose some.
 
I reactivated my OKC a while back when a friend asked me to. Shockingly enough, I've gotten a lot of shitty messages, but a couple have been nice. I've been upfront that I have no interest in dating right now, but it's been fun to chat with people.
 
I am so incredibly exhausted! Boy is on his way here, and the weather is just iffy enough that we'll probably just stay in and cuddle. Hubby is at work then going shopping, I guess, so we'll have the house to ourselves until late. I worked so much this week that I had to reschedule twice. I'm pretty lucky that both Boy and Hubby are incredibly understanding and flexible when it comes to my shitty, last-minute schedule changes.

We find out if we're having a boy or a girl in less than two weeks. I'm ready to know so we can finalize themes. We've pretty much decided we like neutral stuff anyway, though. Hubby and I are both avid readers, so books are a bit priority and we were thinking about getting monkey stuff since the whole "Monkeys Jumping on the Bed" books and such were Hubby's favorite when he was little. I'm a giraffe fan, so I could probably throw a few of those in, too. :p Mostly, I want to stay cheap since neither we nor our families can afford expensive stuff. We also don't plan on having a nursery for quite a while, so we want stuff that will be okay mixed in with our bedroom sets and all that.

I have been talking to one guy for quite a while on OKC. He and I have a couple of similar interests and some local activities we want to check out. We may end up meeting up sometime soon to check one of the activities off the list. :) I think it would be fun, but I honestly think he's much more friend-compatible than anything else. Which is perfect, actually. He is very chill about the poly thing (has been in open relationships before, currently single, kinky-ish) and the pregnancy thing. He has also responded as well as anyone can to hearing about my crazy-ass schedule.

I've been talking to Nog a bit off and on again, too, which has been fun. He's been respecting my "we're never going to date" boundary and the only even slightly sexual thing he's said was about back rubs. Half sweet since I am sore all the time these days, but the other half definitely pervy on his part. He's entertaining, though, and he's had a bit of a rough patch off and on the last few months so he's been getting some of that out.

That's pretty much my life. Now off to shower before Boy gets here. Working again tomorrow, so I need to make the most of this single day off!
 
I've been so incredibly weepy the last few days! Hubby has been excellent, cuddling more without pressuring for sex. I felt like we hadn't been physically close lately, and even though I still lack energy for sex more than once or twice a week I want cuddles, dammit! So, that's been nice. I've had very strange, emotional dreams which have kept me in a funk anyway, though.

Boy and I saw each other last weekend, but schedules didn't sync up this week at all and won't until almost the end of next week. I warned him about my late days at work, and he made plans on the one evening I ended up having free. So, fuck him, I guess. I've had the worst two weeks at work, and it doesn't seem to be looking any better this month. I've felt an utter lack of support from his direction and honestly don't have the energy or desire to have the conversation required to ask for it. If he would rather pursue other interests, then fine.

I have vacation in a month. I've been focusing on that as much as possible. working 50-80 hours a week in the meantime is doable as long as I have a break to look forward to.
 
I woke up this morning with a day off and energy! I've cleaned the house a bit, which will be a pleasant surprise for Hubby since I've been so incredibly lazy (or exhausted, if you ask him) lately! I'm now off to get a pedicure and waxed (he knows about the pedi - not about the waxing - surprise again!). My phone has been on silent all day, and I told my mom to call Hubby if there was an issue since both she and my grandma have questionable health and I would want to know if something happened. Hubby can contact me via facebook, which I've checked off and on since I've had the computer on for random Googles, breaks, and music anyway.

I'm feeling pretty good right now and guilty for my negativity the last few days. I've taken it as a sign that I needed to return to my "no expectations" attitude towards Boy, which has definitely slipped the last few months. After reminding myself of that, I'm feeling much better. A friend (Yarn, as I used to call her on here) bailed on two sets of plans I proposed the next couple of weeks. I am now confident that she won't be there for me if I need her, whereas she used to be the one I turned to for everything. I'm pretty okay with this, since the friendship had always been difficult to maintain due to distance and a difference in communication style. I'm again trying to become more comfortable doing things on my own - hence my own mini beauty day being solo. I'm going to take a book and chill. It's going to be great.
 
Life's pretty good. Uneventful. I do have a friend staying with me until next week, which means I've been going to Boy's. His bed makes my back hurt. I really need to make him go through with buying that new mattress. We had one chose at one point...
 
Friend is moved out, Boy and I have have spent a ton of time together since which has led to Hubby feeling the shift. He's pointed out that between our work schedules, Boy has really been getting almost half my time lately. So, that is something we've been discussing, and I brought it up to Boy. No plan to change anything, just an acknowledgement that we have been getting a bit more involved lately and that it affects other people as well.

I have a vacation coming up. Not doing anything, really, but some of my family is coming to visit which will be fun. I'm traveling some to meet them, so I won't see Hubby or Boy for quite a few days. I'm not looking forward to that, and neither are they. It should be good to get away from work for a while, though.

Pregnancy-wise... I'm doing awesome. Slightly more energetic, but I get sore soooo easily. Working extra hours really has to be spread out over more days instead of tacked on for long ones. She kicks me often, and Hubby has felt her a few times. Boy said he felt her in the middle of the night the other day, while I was sleeping. Apparently we were cuddling and she kicked him in the back. At first he thought it was a muscle twitch or something but then felt her again and realized what it was. Hubby gets giddy whenever it happens, and Boy just smiles. I'm glad he's not freaked out by being involved with someone prego with someone's else's child. He's seemed a lot more interested in kids in general since I've started being more noticeably pregnant, which may lead to even further discussions in the future. :/

Hubby is trying to figure out how he feels about my spending time with Boy (or at least at Boy's house) when I'm further along. His gut reaction was that he does NOT want me to go into labor there, since he would like to be the one to take me to the hospital. Upon further reflection, he thinks meeting me there would be okay. Obviously in an emergency situation, what happens will happen but I don't want to make him unnecessarily uncomfortable if I can help it.

That's about all that's going on in my life. I'm still just happy.
 
Vacation was amazing... My family threw me a baby shower, and we got so, so many of the things we need! I'm incredibly thankful that they did that and am halfway through thank you notes which I absolutely despise. I should have made a template and typed them. ha.

Boy met me the night I returned. He had bought a few things to make me feel more comfortable at his place - a body pillow, a new mattress (we'd shopped a while back but he wasn't ready to spend the money at the time), and a new super soft blanket. I thought that was really sweet and a fabulous surprise.

When I left Boy's, Hubby and I went out to dinner and had a very relaxed evening in when we got home. He opted to wait going through all the baby stuff so that we can just put it away as he looks. We cuddled and just relaxed, which was amazing. We had one serious conversation, however, that put a damper on the whole evening for me. It stresses me out when he talks too much about the future since we kind of have different ideals at the moment.

I love where we live, and so does he, but he would pack up and leave tomorrow if the right opportunity came along. I had to flat out tell him moving out of state is off the table until postpartem hormones are under control. Just not happening. It kind of hurt that he hadn't thought about the impact on me and our growing family and was only focusing on how a move could benefit him and his career. As soon as I pointed out the issues, he realized what he'd done and did a complete 180, saying he could find opportunities here if that is what will make me happy. So, there is definitely more discussion to be had there, but it's not going to happen (hopefully) until after baby arrives and we've adjusted to that.

Oh! and Boy is still on the lookout for a place big enough for all of us. He got his roommate to be on the look as well, and she is super excited at the prospect. Hubby says he thinks he would enjoy living as a group (there would be 5 adults in the house plus our little one) but would have to adjust to Boy and I always having our overnights within hearing distance. I would have to get used to not really having any of my own space since I would be sharing Hubby and Boy's rooms. I would also need to get used to the idea that almost any overnight Hubby or Boy would have would be in my home. :/ Not too fond of that, either, but you know... Room for growth and all. Overall, I think it would be an excellent situation for all of us.
 
Morning sex and brunch with both of my guys. It's been a good day so far. Planning on relaxing with hubby the rest of the day, and probably order dinner in since we cleaned yesterday and doing feel like making a mess yet.

Content.
 
Work is kicking my ass AND I have a nasty cold. I came home yesterday and literally cried myself to sleep because I was in so much pain. Hubby is helping however he can, which is so sweet. I feel so bad that he is stuck in the role of caregiver so often with me. I need to dredge up some energy and plan a nice date night soon so we can unwind. He's going to be working a ton more soon, too, though so that will be difficult.

Boy has been wanting to spend more and more time together and is looking forward to Hubby's schedule becoming busier so that I have more time I can give to Boy guilt-free. This week, I'm actually spending two nights in a row with him plus one earlier in the week (I literally showed up and went right to sleep after a bit of cuddling but since that's what I do with Hubby at least once a week - it counts).

During that time, Boy is going to accompany me to some health-related tasks I need to get done, since I will not be able to drive for about an hour after I'm done. I both am glad Hubby gets out of caregiver-duty for once AND surprised that Hubby is okay with it since it's semi-pregnancy related. He's usually excited to be a part of it, even if it's mundane. Letting Boy have a piece of that seems like a big step.

Work, relationships, pregnancy. That is my life. I need to work on cutting down my work hours so I can function for the other things.
 
Third trimester exhaustion. Ugh. Every movement takes so much effort, and my belly isn't even big at all! Well, not much bigger than normal, anyway. Strangers still can't tell that I'm pregnant, but the pressure is still there on my back and ab muscles. Ugh again.

I had a date with a lovely young woman last week. She had disappeared when I texted to firm up plans then reappeared and we met an hour later! It was fun. She's sweet, cute, and easy to talk to. We are in similar places in life despite her being a couple of years younger than me and having totally different backgrounds. I'm not sure that it will work romantically, however I hope we can at least be friends. We've not been in contact daily, but every other day or so since.
 
Hubby and I have had the last three evenings together, and I've been rested enough (thank god for naps!) to enjoy them. It's been great to cuddle and laugh and be silly together like we used to always be. We're both far too busy these days, with no end in sight.

Boy is coming to spend the weekend with me this weekend while Hubby works mad hours. We plan to sleep in, order food delivered, and just be lazy. He'll probably actually go stir crazy and end up leaving early, but I'm going to enjoy my down time. Hopefully I don't get called into work. I think I've gotten a handle on everything that needs to happen this weekend so they should be fine without me.
 
Oh! I forgot the downer news of the week! I found out two of the people I'm closest to that are also poly are going through break ups. A family member is actually leaving her partner of 7 years because they couldn't agree on children - he has one, she has none, he wants more, she wants none (and she struggled to adapt to a change in custody where they had his daughter more). They are also vastly different personality-wise, so living together has always been one compromise after another. I thought they'd worked out those issues long ago, but apparently not. Also, she's thinking she's more mono-minded, while he is definitely poly and would not be willing to adjust things with his other partner to make her feel more comfortable. So, lots of reasons to split, and at least their amicable. Still a bummer.

A friend is also going through a divorce. Her husband has refused counseling for years. I've been waiting for it for a while now. It sucks, but honestly I'm so tired of hearing about their drama that I'm almost relieved.
 
Yesterday I had a few friends over for most of the day. Hubby took the day off and we all just spent the day eating, visiting, watching movies, and playing games. It was lovely. My favorite thing was that I could seamlessly go from holding Hubby's hand or giving him a quick kiss to cuddling up with Boy on the couch and no one batted an eye. I love my people.

Today I am home alone, but I think a friend is going to come over again later just to relax. I got some online shopping done for baby and for Christmas, which is kind of a relief. Now I'm chilling, watching some tv and then I should probably clean up a bit more. Hubby and I did a pretty good job of it last night, but there's still a little more to do. I could also make more room in my fridge by rearranging. I guess I should probably supplement the leftovers with some fresh groceries, too. Ugh. I hate shopping.

Hubby and I are both working Thanksgiving day, but I made some of our favorites this weekend and will make a couple of other dishes later in the week. Instead of one big meal, we're having it spread out. Probably healthier, but not quite the same either.

I suppose I need to come up with a name for the woman I've seen a couple of times now. I went over to her place this week and met her family. It isn't going the way I would like, but she is definitely poly friend potential. All of our in-person interaction has been straight up friendly, while texts from her are a bit more intimate/romantically interested. I tend to compartmentalize relationships, so I've mostly friend-zoned her at this point. Some pretty amazing sparks would need to fly for that to change. Still, it's nice getting to know someone new.
 
I feel like I am in a good place today. That will all change tomorrow, I'm sure. lol Actually, this week is shaping up nicely. Next weekend is the next time I am concerned for my mental health (potentially large amounts of alone time).

This weekend, I spend some time with Boy in an empty house. We were just us. At one point I'm lying in bed dozing when he's ready to get up from the nap. Instead of trying to wake me or forcing himself to stay, he just got up and did his thing. I woke up shortly after (very pregnant = movement of the bed makes me need to pee) but wasn't in the mood to put the clothes on that would be required to keep me warm. So, back to bed I went, and just read under the covers while he watched some tv. It seems weird, but I love that we see each other that not being right next to each other for every second no longer seems like a waste of precious time.

The three of us (Me, Hubby, Boy) all picked out a Christmas tree together, too. It was adorable, the two of them working together to cut it down while I directed. A poly friend of Hubby's was supposed to come with his two partners, but bailed at the last minute. We still had a great time, though. They never listen to my advice and both admitted that the process would have gone a touch smoother if they had. :D Boy then stuck around to help Hubby with a bit of heavy lifting to get rid of things and rearrange, since neither likes me to do that sort of thing anymore. My back appreciates it, but occasionally it gets tiresome getting treated like I'm so fragile.

Funniest part of the day was when Boy was commenting to Hubby about how much he'd been getting kicked the other night. Hubby got a proud look on his face and was talking about how strong his daughter already is. I love that they're so comfortable sharing things and are starting to become more friendly and find the things they have in common.

Anyway... It's been a good week. A good weekend. I've been productive and taken advantage of the bits of time I've been stuck alone (because I did start to cry when both guys left at the same time - but I turned it around and felt accomplished by the end of the day!). Hopefully the trend continues.
 
Grr... So a while back, Boy went on a date. I was all insecure and whatever beforehand, but after he told me she decided she wasn't interested. He was a bit disappointed, but enjoyed her company and kept seeing her as a friend for a while. Until she made it clear that she WASN'T poly-curious, she's definitely monogamous and that she would totally be interested if he would break up with me and just be with her. So, after she kept making comments, he felt uncomfortable and stopped hanging out with her.

Until tonight.

And he didn't tell me until I had to cancel our plans for this weekend because of work stuff and asked if he could do tonight instead.

Over an hour later and I'm still crying. I know it's hormones making it seem worse, but seriously... You tell me you feel like a situation is wrong and makes you uncomfortable (he felt like he was either leading her on or using her for company AND he didn't feel like he would be able to maintain friends-only boundaries which would blow up in the end) then you go back to it?! Add in not telling me about it and there is an ugly-crying AG on the loose.

My plan is to be passive aggressive and be "busy" for about a week and not see him at all while barely talking. Then I'll be flat out aggressive and give him crap about it and tell him how awful I felt about the entire situation - while pointing out that I've been extra sensitive lately. Then I'll get over it, like always.

Luckily, Hubby is on his way home, unexpectedly (he was supposed to be working his second job but they aren't busy and let him off). We're going to eat dinner, cuddle, and maybe finally finish decorating for Christmas. I've already rage-cleaned some and am about to pass out for a quick power nap while he's stuck in traffic.

I will salvage this night. I will. Especially since I'm probably just being stupid by being upset anyway.
 
Last night was only so-so. Turns out Hubby is super stressed about Christmas shopping, so he wanted to jump online and get some done. Which means I couldn't be within arms' reach so that I wouldn't see his ideas for me. So I sequestered myself in bed with a book that I am unfortunately not overly enjoying but feel the need to finish.

Today, I am just ready to go to work so I can forget about my personal life for a while. I love that I have a job that requires me to check my shit at the door and focus entirely on the lovelies I work with for 8 hours. Sure, it might seep in here and there, but the bulk of my focus will be on work and I think that is exactly what I need right now.
 
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