Inaniel
Well-known member
Me: Rico; 36, M, hinge in poly V, FMF closed
Wife: Bird; 33, F, in relationship with Rico since 2009
Girlfriend: Cat, 35, F, in relationship with Rico since 2017, moved in with Rico and Bird in 2019
Daughter; Butterfly, 7, F, offspring of Rico and Bird
A little background: Kitchen-table, poly V, living in a single home. We are out of the closet to Rico’s immediate family, Cat’s immediate and extended family, and Bird’s mother.
Butterfly has had Cat in her life for a few years now and treats her like family. While not many questions have popped up about the family configuration, Butterfly has started questioning a few things and I am sure this is just the tip of the iceberg. Specifically, Butterfly has asked why Cat and I sleep in the same room, in the same bed, ect.. I rarely sleep with Bird because her snoring issues prevent me from sleeping through the night, so I mostly sleep in the guest room and Cat often joins me.
Living in a covid world we have opened up our home to Butterfly’s teachers via zoom. We have always introduced ourselves to Butterfly’s teachers as husband, wife, and roommate and all three of us attend her school activates, and parent teacher conferences. Recently, Butterfly was excited to give her teacher a virtual tour of the house; she showed her teacher the guest room proclaiming “And this is where daddy and Cat sleep”. It was a little awkward but we let her finish up the house tour and that was that.
Ever since the home tour, I have been thinking about whether it is appropriate to censor my child. I have been toying with the idea of telling her that it’s impolite to talk about where people sleep in the house. However, that simultaneously feels like a terrible solution, in fact it doesn’t feel like a solution, more like a Band-Aid that I will be re-applying throughout her childhood. Bird, for the record didn’t really like the idea when I floated it.
This topic is becoming increasingly troubling to me because it’s basically a ticking time bomb for family members to find out through Butterfly. For example if someone is staying in the guest room, it is very plausible that Butterfly will say something like “That’s where daddy and Cat sleep”.
It may sound like the easy thing to do is make sure family knows before they stay over, however that is not always up to me. Bird has only told her mother about our lifestyle, Bird’s father and step mother do not know about our lifestyle and Bird is afraid to tell them. They are conservative Christian types that instilled fear in her as a Child, and she has a strained relationship with that side of her family. We rarely see them, however every once in a blue moon they pass through town and want to visit the grand kid and stay in the guest room…
We have been able to postpone visits in light of covid, however my spidy sense is telling me that we are going to have to deal with this issue at some point in the next 12 months. Bird is very good at inaction, which is the exact opposite of what I am good at. Sometimes I feel like Bird would rather have her parents accidentally find out through butterfly and deal with it then. That is not how I would like to deal with this.
I wish I had more pointed questions to bring to the community but I am really at a loss. I feel powerless in this situation. These decisions involve how to raise my child, how to deal with Bird’s family, and how to open my house up to guests. None of which are decisions I can make on my own… Any thoughts?
Wife: Bird; 33, F, in relationship with Rico since 2009
Girlfriend: Cat, 35, F, in relationship with Rico since 2017, moved in with Rico and Bird in 2019
Daughter; Butterfly, 7, F, offspring of Rico and Bird
A little background: Kitchen-table, poly V, living in a single home. We are out of the closet to Rico’s immediate family, Cat’s immediate and extended family, and Bird’s mother.
Butterfly has had Cat in her life for a few years now and treats her like family. While not many questions have popped up about the family configuration, Butterfly has started questioning a few things and I am sure this is just the tip of the iceberg. Specifically, Butterfly has asked why Cat and I sleep in the same room, in the same bed, ect.. I rarely sleep with Bird because her snoring issues prevent me from sleeping through the night, so I mostly sleep in the guest room and Cat often joins me.
Living in a covid world we have opened up our home to Butterfly’s teachers via zoom. We have always introduced ourselves to Butterfly’s teachers as husband, wife, and roommate and all three of us attend her school activates, and parent teacher conferences. Recently, Butterfly was excited to give her teacher a virtual tour of the house; she showed her teacher the guest room proclaiming “And this is where daddy and Cat sleep”. It was a little awkward but we let her finish up the house tour and that was that.
Ever since the home tour, I have been thinking about whether it is appropriate to censor my child. I have been toying with the idea of telling her that it’s impolite to talk about where people sleep in the house. However, that simultaneously feels like a terrible solution, in fact it doesn’t feel like a solution, more like a Band-Aid that I will be re-applying throughout her childhood. Bird, for the record didn’t really like the idea when I floated it.
This topic is becoming increasingly troubling to me because it’s basically a ticking time bomb for family members to find out through Butterfly. For example if someone is staying in the guest room, it is very plausible that Butterfly will say something like “That’s where daddy and Cat sleep”.
It may sound like the easy thing to do is make sure family knows before they stay over, however that is not always up to me. Bird has only told her mother about our lifestyle, Bird’s father and step mother do not know about our lifestyle and Bird is afraid to tell them. They are conservative Christian types that instilled fear in her as a Child, and she has a strained relationship with that side of her family. We rarely see them, however every once in a blue moon they pass through town and want to visit the grand kid and stay in the guest room…
We have been able to postpone visits in light of covid, however my spidy sense is telling me that we are going to have to deal with this issue at some point in the next 12 months. Bird is very good at inaction, which is the exact opposite of what I am good at. Sometimes I feel like Bird would rather have her parents accidentally find out through butterfly and deal with it then. That is not how I would like to deal with this.
I wish I had more pointed questions to bring to the community but I am really at a loss. I feel powerless in this situation. These decisions involve how to raise my child, how to deal with Bird’s family, and how to open my house up to guests. None of which are decisions I can make on my own… Any thoughts?