Hi everyone. I am new here and new to poly. My husband and I are considering adding a third and I am really a little nervous about how our judgmental families will respond. We are pagans and very comfortable with poly. It seems only natural and we feel ready and mature enough to handle the likely issues that will require our growth and communication. I just can't see how to tell my 5 older sons (aged 29, 28, 27, 25 and 22). Since our 3rd is a male friend of the family, I feel a bit like they will see me as a "trollop" and feel that my husband is being taken advantage of. How do we explain this in a way that is respectful and clear without seeming to plead for their acceptance?
Telling family
- Thread starter Willow64
- Start date
vinsanity0
Active member
Aren't their feelings something they will have to work out for themselves? I have a very judgmental family (though not my children) and, quite frankly, I don't care what they think. What people think about us should not define us. The best we can do is accept them for who they are and hope they do the same.
Norwegianpoly
New member
Your own kids are the judgemental family? I take it you did not raise them as pagans....
Norwegianpoly
New member
I think the idea of loosing touch with your own kids sounds very sad, no matter how they are as persons. But they are adults. They decide how to respond to what they learn.
You might find that, if they get upset, it can have equally to do with you choosing someone they care about, than you living poly. They may be concerned that you can hurt the family firend. Since you are only in the considering phase, telling them seem too soon.
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
Not to resort to platitudes, but you can only feel judged as much as you believe the judgement. The thoughts and behaviors of others cannot penetrate you if there is no place for those judgements to land. Nobody can make you feel badly about yourself - nobody. Not even your kids (and believe, me, my teenager has tried!) I'd heartily encourage you to take your focus off of what your kids will think and work instead on being OK with this choice in your own thoughts. If you're concerned what your family will think, you've got a bit of internal work to do here. The good news is that relationships are very malleable and can change greatly. Everything turns on how you see the situation. Let go of concern for others' perceptions and just send them general well wishes of love. Focus on what's going on inside of you, what feels right for you and watch what happens.
Hi Willow,
I'm with Norwegianpoly, I think it is too soon to tell your kids until this male friend of the family solidly becomes your partner and will remain your partner for a long time. Then you could tell them, "I've taken on [Name] as a second partner. I thought you should know." Then be open to answer questions, and to address concerns, within reason.
That's the best I can think of for now ...
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
I'm with Norwegianpoly, I think it is too soon to tell your kids until this male friend of the family solidly becomes your partner and will remain your partner for a long time. Then you could tell them, "I've taken on [Name] as a second partner. I thought you should know." Then be open to answer questions, and to address concerns, within reason.
That's the best I can think of for now ...
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Squashking
Member
I have found that families are typically judgemental and that's ok (and very frustrating). They may not understand nor agree but they still love you the same and hopefully will learn to accept in time.
But, yes I also agree it's too soon. We only told our children, close friends and family once we were very stable and completely certain that we were in it for the long term.
~S
But, yes I also agree it's too soon. We only told our children, close friends and family once we were very stable and completely certain that we were in it for the long term.
~S
I agree - too soon to start talking with family, but I cringe at trying to explain this all to them. They know this family friend and he is well liked. Since I am the woman in this triad, I can see them making comments about my legal partner not being "enough" or something to the effect of me being a "nympho" or "controlling" when actually this poly triad has much less to do with sex than it does love, compassion and caring for each other. I am disabled with Rheumatoid Arthritis and he the new partner has MS. There is much to be gained for both of us, and sexuality is of course frosting, but not THE reason for the triad. I guess FallenAngelina said it well - that I need not worry about their feelings on this. If the three of us are in a mutally respectful and loving situation, then their opinions matter not, frankly.
The kids that are home still (16, 15 and 12) are seeing the new partner show up here around the house more and more. My spouse is very comfortable with him being here and the new partner and i do not have any displays of affection in front of anyone and we are not yet sexually involved at all. My daughter, the 12 year old, made a bit of a fuss yesterday when she found the new partner, S, sitting at the foot of my bed in the morning. He had just come by to bring me a smoothie and we were both fully dressed and not in a compromising situation.
I told her calmly that we do love each other and that her dad (step dad) B, is very comfortable with it and knows all about it. I wanted her to know we are not sneaking around behind B's back and I wanted her to realize that we do love each other. She was still pretty shaken. I am hoping that this is a typical knee jerk type of reaction for a hormonal girl and that she will see more and more that this relationship is respectful of all parties and very good for all. I guess time will tell?
The kids that are home still (16, 15 and 12) are seeing the new partner show up here around the house more and more. My spouse is very comfortable with him being here and the new partner and i do not have any displays of affection in front of anyone and we are not yet sexually involved at all. My daughter, the 12 year old, made a bit of a fuss yesterday when she found the new partner, S, sitting at the foot of my bed in the morning. He had just come by to bring me a smoothie and we were both fully dressed and not in a compromising situation.
I told her calmly that we do love each other and that her dad (step dad) B, is very comfortable with it and knows all about it. I wanted her to know we are not sneaking around behind B's back and I wanted her to realize that we do love each other. She was still pretty shaken. I am hoping that this is a typical knee jerk type of reaction for a hormonal girl and that she will see more and more that this relationship is respectful of all parties and very good for all. I guess time will tell?
Kids tend to adjust to changes pretty quickly, and I think kids nowadays recognize and understand a far wider range of sexualities and romantic arrangements than when I was growing up.
Before she had been officially told about my situation, Country opened a discussion with me about polyamory and how she couldn't understand why anyone would care if three or more people are in a relationship as long as everyone agrees to it. That made it easier, a few weeks later, for me to come out to her. At that point, her only response was, "Yeah, so? If my stepdad is okay with it, that's what matters." I assured her Hubby's completely fine with it, and she said, "Okay, then do what you do."
I had held off in telling her in large part because I was concerned about her judgment, and also concerned that during one of our conflicts, she might tell her father--who would not have responded well, particularly since he constantly accused me of cheating during our marriage. (I never cheated on him. Not even close.) But her reaction was pretty anticlimactic.
Point being... kids understand and accept a lot more than adults give them credit for sometimes. At your kids' ages, I would almost guarantee they have friends who identify as a variety of sexual orientations, romantic orientations, and gender identities; among my kids' couple dozen or so friends, there is only one girl who identifies as completely straight, monoamorous, and cis-gender. (And that girl is not one of my kids...)
I would strongly advise, though, that you be open and honest from the start. I see others in the thread telling you to wait until there's definitely something going on with you and your friend, and that is valid advice. But *personally*, I would at the very least sit down with your kids (the ones who live with you, anyway) and your husband and say something like, "We want you to know Friend is going to be around a lot more. We consider him someone very close to us, and no one is going to be doing anything behind anyone's back. We just wanted you to know about this so you won't worry, and if you have any questions, please come to us." Having their stepdad be part of the discussion is important, because that will prove to them more definitively than anything you could say that he knows and is on board with this.
Even before I identified as poly, when Hubby and I first opened the marriage, we told Alt and Country that we'd decided it was okay if one or the other of us occasionally went out with a friend. We didn't mention dating, sex, or anything like that; but because my kids witnessed the destruction of my marriage to their father, and particularly because their father told them numerous times that I'd cheated on him, we wanted to make sure they knew up front that Hubby and I had agreed and were being honest and open with each other so they wouldn't worry about our marriage falling apart. In addition to accepting and understanding more than adults give them credit for, they notice a lot more, too.
I just want to add, not to argue but because it seems to be a factor in this thread... religious or spiritual beliefs don't *necessarily* equal judgment or lack thereof. I came out to the pastor of my mother-in-law's church a couple months ago because I used to enjoy attending but had stopped when I started dating Guy. I couldn't stomach going to church knowing that everyone believed me to be the good little monogamous wife and mom, when I no longer was. I didn't want to broadcast to the entire church--especially since Hubby's one hard limit for all this is that his family NEVER find out--but I was considering going back to church there, so I wanted to get a sense of what the pastor thought of polyamory. I told him the situation (at the time, S2 and I were still together), and he said, "Well, there was definitely a whole lot of polygamy going on in the Bible, so I guess in some ways the Bible supports polyamory. You're completely welcome here." Whereas the most negative reaction I got came from a Wiccan friend (no longer a friend, because of this reaction) who said I was "appalling and wrong."
Before she had been officially told about my situation, Country opened a discussion with me about polyamory and how she couldn't understand why anyone would care if three or more people are in a relationship as long as everyone agrees to it. That made it easier, a few weeks later, for me to come out to her. At that point, her only response was, "Yeah, so? If my stepdad is okay with it, that's what matters." I assured her Hubby's completely fine with it, and she said, "Okay, then do what you do."
I had held off in telling her in large part because I was concerned about her judgment, and also concerned that during one of our conflicts, she might tell her father--who would not have responded well, particularly since he constantly accused me of cheating during our marriage. (I never cheated on him. Not even close.) But her reaction was pretty anticlimactic.
Point being... kids understand and accept a lot more than adults give them credit for sometimes. At your kids' ages, I would almost guarantee they have friends who identify as a variety of sexual orientations, romantic orientations, and gender identities; among my kids' couple dozen or so friends, there is only one girl who identifies as completely straight, monoamorous, and cis-gender. (And that girl is not one of my kids...)
I would strongly advise, though, that you be open and honest from the start. I see others in the thread telling you to wait until there's definitely something going on with you and your friend, and that is valid advice. But *personally*, I would at the very least sit down with your kids (the ones who live with you, anyway) and your husband and say something like, "We want you to know Friend is going to be around a lot more. We consider him someone very close to us, and no one is going to be doing anything behind anyone's back. We just wanted you to know about this so you won't worry, and if you have any questions, please come to us." Having their stepdad be part of the discussion is important, because that will prove to them more definitively than anything you could say that he knows and is on board with this.
Even before I identified as poly, when Hubby and I first opened the marriage, we told Alt and Country that we'd decided it was okay if one or the other of us occasionally went out with a friend. We didn't mention dating, sex, or anything like that; but because my kids witnessed the destruction of my marriage to their father, and particularly because their father told them numerous times that I'd cheated on him, we wanted to make sure they knew up front that Hubby and I had agreed and were being honest and open with each other so they wouldn't worry about our marriage falling apart. In addition to accepting and understanding more than adults give them credit for, they notice a lot more, too.
I just want to add, not to argue but because it seems to be a factor in this thread... religious or spiritual beliefs don't *necessarily* equal judgment or lack thereof. I came out to the pastor of my mother-in-law's church a couple months ago because I used to enjoy attending but had stopped when I started dating Guy. I couldn't stomach going to church knowing that everyone believed me to be the good little monogamous wife and mom, when I no longer was. I didn't want to broadcast to the entire church--especially since Hubby's one hard limit for all this is that his family NEVER find out--but I was considering going back to church there, so I wanted to get a sense of what the pastor thought of polyamory. I told him the situation (at the time, S2 and I were still together), and he said, "Well, there was definitely a whole lot of polygamy going on in the Bible, so I guess in some ways the Bible supports polyamory. You're completely welcome here." Whereas the most negative reaction I got came from a Wiccan friend (no longer a friend, because of this reaction) who said I was "appalling and wrong."
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FallenAngelina
Well-known member
She will take in about 10% via your words. The remaining 90% will be what you communicate via your energy and feelings. That is what she will pick up on and that is what will invite her to come to a calm place. In the poly world, a lot of premium is placed on "communication" and I agree, but most communication is nonverbal. The more you are OK with your relationships and don't need to seek others' approval, the more everyone else will be OK with you - and the people who can't be OK will calmly recede. This need not be a dramatic "Are you with us or against us?" situation. Everything turns on how you feel. The more at peace you are, the more peaceful world you live in.
Norwegianpoly
New member
12 year old girls have their own issues with sexuality. This is new to her. It is your job to guide her through it.
Thank you, KC. Excellent wisdom on your part. I know the kids are wondering why primary is so ok with the new man coming around and I think the kids and primary and I need to sit down. Details are not needed, but understanding that no one is "sneaking around" and that they have no worries about their family unit disintegrating is very important right now.
As for the Wiccan friend who said what you are doing is "wrong and appalling"....wow.. Very sad. To stand in judgment of the lifestyle of another is SO not ok in my community of Wiccans and pagans. I am appalled at their narrow mindedness. Kudos to the pastor for being open and accepting!
As for the Wiccan friend who said what you are doing is "wrong and appalling"....wow.. Very sad. To stand in judgment of the lifestyle of another is SO not ok in my community of Wiccans and pagans. I am appalled at their narrow mindedness. Kudos to the pastor for being open and accepting!
Norwegian, Agreed about my daughter. I almost think she has a crush on the new partner. She seems flirty and odd around him. We took her to lunch the other day and he was perfect with her (he has massive psych experience), saying "You know that I love you, right? And you know that I love your mom, right? But I think you and I should just be friends. I so much appreciate your friendship. It allowed her to see his love and respect for her and her feelings, but explained the positions without letting her down or making her feel embarrassed. I was kind of shocked at first, but she reacted beautifully and has been fine ever since.
Karen - also agreed. We are being respectful, loving and kind and she is seeing that all 3 adults are loving and kind to each other. I think the energy and actions are making a huge difference. I am still going to be careful of her feelings, but I am also going to be clear that this is ok and ok with ALL of us, so the kids will feel the normalcy.
Hi Willow, you are getting some good advice. I just have a question that is a bit off topic.
You start out by saying you and your h are "adding a third." I kind of hate that expression since it brings to mind unicorn hunters looking for someone to submissively fill into a slot the couple has picked.
But you seem to be saying you and Friend are falling in love, with your husband's knowledge, and that you may start having sex with Friend. Do the men also desire each other? Are they bisexual? Or is it just a close friendship?
If the latter, you aren't "adding a third" to create a triad, you are in a V, and you, Willow, are the hinge.
If the guys are going to have gay sex, that will be something else to explain to the kids.
You start out by saying you and your h are "adding a third." I kind of hate that expression since it brings to mind unicorn hunters looking for someone to submissively fill into a slot the couple has picked.
But you seem to be saying you and Friend are falling in love, with your husband's knowledge, and that you may start having sex with Friend. Do the men also desire each other? Are they bisexual? Or is it just a close friendship?
If the latter, you aren't "adding a third" to create a triad, you are in a V, and you, Willow, are the hinge.
If the guys are going to have gay sex, that will be something else to explain to the kids.
Oh wow -- I have definitely been educated! LOL No - not a triad. I guess I am officially the hinge. We are starting to move forward with all of this - slowly. We have much to discuss and we have had some wonderful long talks, the three of us. I know things won't be smooth always, but right now the other parts of this "V" are very good friends and are mutually respectful of each other. I actually think they will have a lot of fun together and probably leave me home! LMAO
Thank you for the clarification - I am indeed a hinge. No bisexuality on their parts, only mine.
Thank you for the clarification - I am indeed a hinge. No bisexuality on their parts, only mine.
This would make me feel very uncomfortable. I think it's this bit:
As if it were possible for a grown man and a child to be anything else.
We are eventually getting to this point with our 14 year old daughter. We don't have a partner that we will bring into the home, yet. We have talked about it, but our Daughter doesn't take it seriously, she thinks we are teasing. The three of us are very close and the daughter can talk to either of us about anything, even who she has a crush on.
The only issue is that at 14 and with so many divorced parents of friends, she is scared of mom and dad breaking up.
Society tells everyone that monogamy is the way to go, even with gay marriage public, those of us that are poly are shunned. Since the only live in will be a woman, I get the job of introducing the concept of poly to our daughter. It is going slowly, by choice, but hopefully she will accept another woman in our home.The problem is our over protective dog
The only issue is that at 14 and with so many divorced parents of friends, she is scared of mom and dad breaking up.
Society tells everyone that monogamy is the way to go, even with gay marriage public, those of us that are poly are shunned. Since the only live in will be a woman, I get the job of introducing the concept of poly to our daughter. It is going slowly, by choice, but hopefully she will accept another woman in our home.The problem is our over protective dog
I read that as him reassuring Willow's daughter that he wasn't going to try to be a parental figure to her, which is something it's possible for a grown man to be to a child without being inappropriate. Instead of trying to parent her, he's just going to be friends with her.