Telling friends about our Triad

C

Cakester

New member
(EDIT: Based on the initial feedback, the title of this should probably be changed from "Triad" to
"V". I'm going to edit the below post to reflect that.)

Hi all! New to this forum, this is my first post! Let me start with a little backstory:

So for the past two months I've been in a budding Poly V (mmf) situation that at first didn't have labels and this past weekend we decided to make things more official. I am Gwen (female), they are Jayden and Cal (male). Jayden and Cal are romantic/sexual partners, Cal and Gwen are romantic/sexual partners, and Gwen and Jayden are really good friends.

I am the new person joining an existing relationship. The relationship is long distance-ish, but we all live in the same state, and this weekend we had our first week together in person since our relationship dynamic changed. My metamour (Jayden) and I live closest together and will often make time to go see each other without our partner (Cal), but this weekend we got to kind of test how this new situation works with all three of us in person. Lemme just gush for a second...it was wonderful. My metamour (Jayden) is the best. My partner (Cal) is amazing. The vibes when we're all together are immaculate, and the communication has been the healthiest I've had in any relationship I think I've been in before. It's new, and I'm sure we'll come across hurdles, but we're all putting in the work to educate ourselves on how to make this healthy and sustainable, and at the moment we're very much in a blissful state.

However... (and here's where the advice portion comes in), we have a close group of online friends that we are a part of and we want to start telling them about us. This is huge for me, because while we've been figuring out this new dynamic we've kept it a secret from most of the people we hang out with nightly, which has honestly been the hardest part for me personally. We did a test run with two of our friends which went super well, but in the excitement of the new official status, we tried to tell another friend who had a very strong negative reaction. This friend in particular was one of the people we were most worried about talking to, because they have had experience with observing pretty toxic poly relationships in the past. Polyamory is not uncommon in the circles we run in, however for the most part from what I've observed it is usually haphazard, mostly sexual in nature, and generally ends in a dramatic fashion. VERY different from the carefully discussed and well thought out decision my triad had been thus far.

Our plan right now is to have Jayden talk to this friend individually so they can see just how actually ok he is with sharing his partner. We believe him doing this solo will help erase any fear this friend might have about outside influence from Cal and I. Then after we see how that goes, we'll continue the conversation as a group, or have a few more one-on-one talks with them depending on what they need.

For our other friends, we plan on having individual conversations with them, and I even prepared a Q&A document to share with them which outlines some of the common questions and concerns people might have about our current situation. It also includes a "backstory" which breaks down the course of events which brought us to where we are today.

What advice do you all have for revealing polyamory to friends? Or any advice on how to handle a situation like the ones we find ourselves in, where the people you tell have a negative reaction?
 
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OH ALSO If I used the term triad incorrectly please let me know. Although I've had lots of experience in open relationships in the past, I am still new to the terminology so I might be using it incorrectly. We are still a V shaped formation, but just calling us a poly V doesn't feel right if that makes sense?
 
Cakester said:
If I used the term triad incorrectly please let me know. Although I've had lots of experience in open relationships in the past, I am still new to the terminology, so I might be using it incorrectly. We are still a V-shaped formation, but just calling us a poly V doesn't feel right, if that makes sense.
Click to expand...
It would help if you chose nicknames and explained just what kind of relationship is going on between each dyad in the triangle. Just for an example (don't mind the genders):

Bob+Carol (sexual romantic relationship)
Bob+Alice (sexual romantic relationship)
Carol+Alice (metamours, good friends)
Bob+Carol+Alice, share sex, but the two women don't directly interact sexually, only focus on Bob
This would be a V. If the women were also romantic/sexual together, it would be a triad.

Or whatever it may be.
 
Read this for more about the differences between triads and Vs.

www.readyforpolyamory.com

Triad or V - What's More Complicated?

I get a lot of people new to polyamory insisting that they must date together, or meet people together, because it "will be less complicated." I see this in comments on social media, on dating app profiles, on couple's profiles on social media (that black and red one that starts with an F...
www.readyforpolyamory.com www.readyforpolyamory.com
 
Magdlyn said:
It would help if you chose nicknames and explained just what kind of relationship is going on between each dyad in the triangle. Just for an example (don't mind the genders):

Bob+Carol (sexual romantic relationship)
Bob+Alice (sexual romantic relationship)
Carol+Alice (metamours, good friends)
Bob+Carol+Alice, share sex, but the two women don't directly interact sexually, only focus on Bob
This would be a V. If the women were also romantic/sexual together, it would be a triad.

Or whatever it may be.
Click to expand...
oh good point. How bout I'm Gee, and they're Jay and Cee.

Jay and Cee are boyfriends, and in an already established longer term relationship.
Cee and Gee are boyfriend and girlfriend, in a newer relationship.
Gee and Jay are super good friends
 
Magdlyn said:
Read this for more about the differences between triads and Vs.

www.readyforpolyamory.com

Triad or V - What's More Complicated?

I get a lot of people new to polyamory insisting that they must date together, or meet people together, because it "will be less complicated." I see this in comments on social media, on dating app profiles, on couple's profiles on social media (that black and red one that starts with an F...
www.readyforpolyamory.com www.readyforpolyamory.com
Click to expand...
thank you! That was super helpful. Based on that the V is for sure what we are.
 
Cakester said:
oh good point. How bout I'm Gee, and they're Jay and Cee.

Jay and Cee are boyfriends, and in an already established longer term relationship.
Cee and Gee are boyfriend and girlfriend, in a newer relationship.
Gee and Jay are super good friends
Click to expand...
Haha, your nicknames are just initials spelled out, J, C and G. Cee and Gee are so similar. My brain goes "boing." :p
I'm gonna think of it like this (for example):
Jayden and Cal are boyfriends.
Cal and Grace are bf and gf, in a newer relationship.
Grace and Jayden are super-good friends.

It will help your readers give more feedback if you go back and edit your OP, using actual real names (nicknames), not letters! (You can just use Cakester for yourself.) Just saying "new person," "we," "metamour," "partner," etc., or C, G and J, is confusing, especially in a long complicated post. I'm sorry to be nitpicky. I want to help.
 
Magdlyn said:
Haha, your nicknames are just initials spelled out, J, C and G. Cee and Gee are so similar. My brain goes "boing." :p
I'm gonna think of it like this (for example):
Jayden and Cal are boyfriends.
Cal and Grace are bf and gf, in a newer relationship.
Grace and Jayden are super-good friends.

It will help your readers give more feedback if you go back and edit your OP, using actual real names (nicknames), not letters! (You can just use Cakester for yourself.) Just saying "new person," "we," "metamour," "partner," etc., or C, G and J, is confusing, especially in a long complicated post. I'm sorry to be nitpicky. I want to help.
Click to expand...
ahh ok sorry! I'll go through and edit the post again. I just wasn't feeling super creative name wise lol
 
Hello Gwen,

You will get both positive and negative reactions when you tell your friends about your V. (You can call it an emotional triad if the link between you and Jayden is really tight.) This is quite common in the world of coming out as poly. There will also be times when someone you thought would be accepting rejects you, and times when someone you thought would condemn you accepts you. It isn't your fault when someone reacts negatively, you aren't doing anything wrong in how you approach them. You aren't obligated to convince them to change their reaction from negative to positive. Revealing your polyness to various friends, can be a way to find out which of them are really your friends.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Cakester said:
I'll go through and edit the post again. I just wasn't feeling super creative, name-wise.
Click to expand...
Perfect!

We have a close group of online friends. We want to start telling them about us. This is huge for me, because while we've been figuring out this new dynamic, we've kept it a secret from most of the people we hang out with nightly, which has honestly been the hardest part. We did a test run with two of our friends, which went super well.
Click to expand...

I am guessing that this is either a discord group or a gaming group? Do you think it's easier coming out to online friends than it would be coming out to friends who you interact with in person, and/or to family, siblings, parents, aunts and uncles, etc.? My adult daughter and son spend most of their free time online, her on discord and him gaming. Things can get pretty gossipy and people take sides, etc. How will coming out affect you? Is being gay perfectly okay? What about trans or non-binary? Being of different races, or being Middle Eastern, Muslim, etc.? Is polyamory the final frontier?

In the excitement of the new official status, we tried to tell another friend, who had a very strong negative reaction. This friend in particular was one of the people we were most worried about talking to, because they have had experience with observing pretty toxic poly relationships in the past. Polyamory is not uncommon in the circles we run in, however for the most part from what I've observed it is usually haphazard, mostly sexual in nature, and generally ends in a dramatic fashion. VERY different from the carefully discussed and well thought out decision my triad had been thus far.
Click to expand...

How many people in your group really need to know your relationship status? Does every hookup and breakup get discussed amongst the group? Are people highly critical in general, or more tolerant and "live and let live"? Are you all teenagers, 20s, 30s?

Advice will differ depending on the culture of your group, its size, the ages of the members, etc.

Our plan right now is to have Jayden talk to this friend individually so they can see just how actually ok he is with sharing his partner. We believe him doing this solo will help erase any fear this friend might have about outside influence from Cal and me. Then after we see how that goes, we'll continue the conversation as a group, or have a few more one-on-one talks with them, depending on what they need.

For our other friends, we plan on having individual conversations with them, and I even prepared a Q&A document to share with them which outlines some of the common questions and concerns people might have about our current situation. It also includes a "backstory" which breaks down the course of events which brought us to where we are today.
Click to expand...

Wow! The idea of a document to share online, explaining how you're doing poly, is a new one here, I think! haha. That should save some time. Poly networks can get complicated. I have two partners, both of them have partners, one of whom has no other partner, but my other metamour is married.

I need a document!

Aries+me (3 years)
Pixi+me (16 years)
Pixi+Malachi (12 years)
Aries+Serena (1 year-ish)
Serena+Sean (married a long time, afaik)

I've never met Serena, and as she lives 50 miles away, chances are I won't any time soon. I have garden-party poly with Malachi. Aries and Pixi also have garden-party between them. (We all might get together for holiday dinners, or perhaps a special concert type thing.) I've experimented with kitchen-table poly, but find it doesn't work well for us, for various reasons.

Aries is newer to poly, and still a bit in the "kid in a candy store" phase, and has dated or hooked up with 6-8 women since he and I started our thing.

Okay, that's my document. :)

All our (real) friends know what's going on. Most of our friends are queer and alternative anyway. Some are also in stable poly relationships. Some members of our extended family know. We've never had an outright objection, just a few initial vague concerns for our well-being. Those who might be negative, we don't see often, so they don't need to have it spelled out to them.
 
I am guessing that this is either a discord group or a gaming group?
Click to expand...
Yes to both! We all met through one particular game and now game together almost every night of the week. We don't plan on telling everyone in the group (at least not right away). We have a smaller group of our closer friends with a private discord and those are the people we're choosing to talk with first.

Do you think it's easier coming out to online friends than it would be coming out to friends who you interact with in person, and/or to family, siblings, parents, aunts and uncles, etc.?
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I've already told a few of my irl friends about it and that's gone really well actually. That might have made it a bit easier because they're not as close to the situation? Family I probably won't be talking to about it, but we'll see. This is SO new that that hasn't even come into my brain yet.

How many people in your group really need to know your relationship status? Does every hookup and breakup get discussed amongst the group? Are people highly critical in general, or more tolerant and "live and let live"? Are you all teenagers, 20s, 30s?
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I'm the oldest (in my 30's), and Jayden and Cal are in their mid to late 20's. Most of our friends are in their 20's though, some a bit on the younger side. We're all in the LGBTQ+ community as well, so that's luckily not a point of contention. For the most part everyone is pretty chill, but there are a few people within the close friend group that have anexity disorders and tend to be reactive with big things like this, so we're being cautious with them. This includes the friend that reacted negatively. But honestly regardless of that we still love and care about them (platonically), and want them to be a part of something that makes us really happy.

oh also, part of the reason we're not just telling the whole group is...and this is gonna sound a little conceded and I promise I'm not trying to be... I'm a bit of a 'desired' person among the group? I've had a bunch of our friends come to me about having crushes, and have openly dated and broken up with a few others, and some of them still have lingering feelings. Luckily with those people we've managed to work past that and are still friends. Jayden and Cal are also very popular within the group, and kind of have a bit of a leadership role (not something they chose to have, but it just kinda do be that way because they're both super fun, cool, and capable people). We might be kind of a power throuple in our group if that makes sense?? lol But yeah, we want people to be able to ease into this instead of just coming out all willy nilly.

Okay, that's my document. :)
Click to expand...

That's so cool! Its wonderful to hear about long lasting poly relationships, and it looks like you've got a great thing going on.

Yeah the document I thought was a good way for us to share the same info with a bunch of people. Also it gave me something to do while I was waiting for the conversations to happen because honestly, I'm just SO excited to be open about it. It makes me so happy and I wanna share that.
 
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UPDATE: We ended up working things out with the friend who had a negative reaction. Turns out their response was more tied to some abandonment issues around an experience they had with a polycule excluding them during a turbulent time in their life. We had this wonderful conversation where we helped them work through it and at the end we all hugged and cried and are now hunky dory :)
 
I wonder what this big fuss with telling everyone individually and making an faq document is supposed to achieve? What if you just all showed up at an event, say 'hi, this is [new person]', act like yourself and let everyone figure out that something has changed and have their questions?
I'm not saying it's wrong! We just never had the need to do it this way.
 
Tinwen said:
I wonder what this big fuss with telling everyone individually and making an faq document is supposed to achieve? What if you just all showed up at an event, say 'hi, this is [new person]', act like yourself and let everyone figure out that something has changed and have their questions?
I'm not saying it's wrong! We just never had the need to do it this way.
Click to expand...

Good question, and honestly, doing it like that would be so nice, but some of our friends are kinda dramatic. Still love them, but yeah, kinda have to handle shit carefully. The document was kinda just a way to, like, not have to explain info over and over again. (Plus I like making documents, 'cause I'm a nerd. lol)
 
Tinwen said:
I wonder what this big fuss with telling everyone individually and making an faq document is supposed to achieve? What if you just all showed up at an event, say 'hi, this is [new person]', act like yourself and let everyone figure out that something has changed and have their questions?
I'm not saying it's wrong! We just never had the need to do it this way.
Click to expand...

Also I had dated/hooked up with a few people in our larger friend circle before, one of which ended not too too long ago. It was a casual thing from the get go, but duder kinda fell for me hard and has been struggling with it since I set boundaries and told them them I just wanted to be friends. And another friend of ours was also in a throuple (more of a straight triad I think, cause they were all dating eachother), and they had to end it with their newer partner cause of life stuff. They've been having a hard time with it, so I think we're trying to be sensitive of his and other people's feelings by not like, rubbing our new relationship in anyone's face?

Also being completely honest, I have some of my own personal fears about how people will react. Being the newbie in an established relationship I fear that people will judge me or think of me as a homewrecker, which I know is silly cause thats so far from the reality of the situation, but fears do be fears.
 
Hi Gwen,

Your explanations make sense, so far it looks like you can smooth over any hurt feelings on the part of your friends, you just have to be careful, and willing to revisit things, as needed. Carry on and keep us updated on your evolving situation.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Congrats -- you have good friends.
 
I'm wondering if you can share the FAQ document with me, personally I would like the questions, because the answers should be answers in a way that make sense to me. If it's not possible, then it is what it is. Regardless, I hope the best for you and the people around you.

Sincerely,
SocratesOfLove
 
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