Testing the waters

gratefulduck

New member
Hi all.
Not sure that I would consider myself 100% poly, at least not yet, but I have found myself lately with a good reason to learn a little more about it.

I've been seeing someone who's in a committed relationship for a little while now and we're both interested in moving things forward, but I have some reservations.

I was married for 7 years, but that fell apart mostly due to infidelities, which makes me kind of really anxious about entering into this relationship...

I see things from the perspective that I am a new element to a previously existing and working equation, and therefore I am responsible for learning the rules and adapting to the situation if it's something that I prefer, but the person I'm seeing is worried that the whole situation might end up being too triggering for me.

I suppose im just wondering about people's experiences in joining an existing poly relationship coming from a monogamous background.

Very interested in hearing some stories.
Thanks all!
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Greetings gratefulduck,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

The thing to remember about entering a new relationship -- any relationship, but especially a poly relationship -- is that it is probably a one-way trip. Once you are *in* the relationship, you're probably never going to want to break up, no matter how bad things get. On this forum, I am accustomed to hearing people say, things like, "But we've been together such a long time, we can't end it now!" "But I love her, I would never leave her." "I am determined to preserve this marriage/family/relationship at all costs." "But we're perfect for each other in every way, it's just this one little thing." "I'm not going to leave her, so just tell me, how can I feel good about this?"

I don't mean to tell you, that you should never enter this poly relationship. I do mean to tell you, to enter it slowly, and, as you're already doing, learn as much as you can about poly along the way. I strongly recommend Polyamory.com as a place to learn about poly. Explore the various threads and boards. See what calls to you. Post any questions that arise for you along the way. Read a lot, and post often in general. So often we get newcomers that do one post and then disappear. It's a shame that they never take advantage of this valuable resource. I hope you will stay with us, and learn as much as possible. I think you will.

Good luck with your poly journeyings!
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Hi all.
Not sure that I would consider myself 100% poly, at least not yet, but I have found myself lately with a good reason to learn a little more about it.

I've been seeing someone who's in a committed relationship for a little while now and we're both interested in moving things forward, but I have some reservations.
Has your potential partner dated polyamorously before, or are they new to it too? Does this couple have constricting "rules" that each must follow in order to date others?
I was married for 7 years, but that fell apart mostly due to infidelities, which makes me kind of really anxious about entering into this relationship...

I see things from the perspective that I am a new element to a previously existing and working equation, and therefore I am responsible for learning the rules and adapting to the situation if it's something that I prefer, but the person I'm seeing is worried that the whole situation might end up being too triggering for me.

Polyamory is the opposite of cheating. As long as everyone is a consenting adult, and knows how to share, is a good communicator, can provide enough time and energy to meet everyone's needs, it's all open and aboveboard. Are you afraid of someone or other being jealous, envious, etc.?
I suppose im just wondering about people's experiences in joining an existing poly relationship coming from a monogamous background.
You're not joining an existing poly relationship. You're dating one person, and that person is dating you, and also happens to have another partner. Ideally you and your "metamour" might like each other, but in reality, you don't need to like each other, or hang out, or anything.

Just beware of your partner's partner (your metamour) making rules about what you can and can't do with your partner, sexual or otherwise. There should not be rules. There could be negotiations for time, space, overnights, weekends, holidays, etc.
 

Alluvion

Member
Welcome, gratefulduck!

I couldn't agree with Kevin more. Take your time and explore everything fully before deciding if polyamory is for you (or if a particular person is the right one for you to date!). There really is no rush. :)
 
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