Text Message: "I'm Poly..." WTF?!?!?!

If I had to do it all over again, I still can't tell you how I would have done it. I've tried the face to face (before I knew what 'polyamory' was), and I had no clue how to describe something I thought was just me being the oddball once again. (I fall far from "the norm" on some things.) Having just discovered the word, this site, and done tons of other research, I still didn't know how to come out and say what I was thinking. My head was swirling, I was confused, I was scared, and believe it or not, I thought maybe everyone was polyamorous and just didn't realize it. So that's why I said, "Go get into a relationship, you'll see what I'm feeling." I had no idea we were built so differently, no clue.

This was our second huge discussion, in a seven day period, no less. But it opened me up to communicating with the man I love. Real, honest communication. Yes, I still like the comfort of hiding behind a screen, but I also understand his need for real communication, and I'm doing my best to give him that.

He's new to this polyamory thing. I'm new to this communication thing. It'll take time for us both to get it right.

Oh, and km34, I didn't find out there was a word that described my feelings until after his visit. Had I been able to articulate my thoughts while he was here, then I would have.

Well... when he was here, we had a huge issue we were dealing with already, so I can't say that I would have thrown another one at him. I can't say for sure.
 
PolyKat said:
He's new to this polyamory thing. I'm new to this communication thing. It'll take time for us both to get it right.
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The amount of times I've totally failed to communicate something important still staggers me. And I still get it wrong, despite the innumerable conversations between the three of us about the importance of my opening my mouth and saying something.

I hope you two work out a way for you to both be happy.
 
Depending on the people, saying it through a text message is better than not saying it at all. I contemplated on how to approach it with my wife, and texting or email did come to mind. I ultimately decided to do it via phone, since we were not together and I knew there would be many questions. We talked about it A LOT afterwards.

The message had to come out. Her texts you opened your communication lines and you now both are in the know with no secrets.

Best of luck moving forward.
 
redpepper said:
True enough, but he has said he is monogamous. As in, does not want other emotionally connected relationships. That isn't about poly dating or poly identity. He is not poly, period. At least that is what I am getting.

I love it when people throw my theories back in my face. Wow, someone actually agreed with my theory about poly-dating and poly identity somewhere along the line! Thanks for the feedback, even if it was vicariously.
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Sorry, that wasn't me trying to throw a theory back in your face. It was me trying, apparently ineptly, to present a different theory.

My girlfriend didn't think she was/could be poly. She was monogamous when we met. I didn't 'turn' her or anything. She slowly, slowly fell in love with me, while retaining her feelings for her husband. I'm clearly not doing a very good job of explaining. But again, I'm not trying to tell you you're wrong, merely attempting to communicate a different experience.
 
Scott said:
I told my girlfriend that this was fine; he seemed like a decent enough fellow. However, she also told me that he had a girlfriend who was apparently monogamous, after which I agreed with her that helping him cheat would not be a good idea.
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Agreed. My husband once met a girl online who was submissive. She had tried bringing it up with her husband before, but he rejected the idea, so she went looking elsewhere, without telling him.

At first my husband was willing to participate. See, he was just in it for the play, he never cares about those "feelings" things unless they're mine or his. I mean, he's not cruel or anything; he just he doesn't bother spending time and energy dealing with high-maintenance people unless it's someone he cares about. Oh, and he considers all people with vaginae to be high-maintenance. I can't say I disagree. ;)

I, on the other hand, thought it was unethical to participate in her cheating. He thought about it and eventually agreed. He met with her again and shared this opinion with her. Then they talked about ways she could talk to her husband about her desires. Last we heard, he was learning to spank her.

km34 said:
I have a question for those that think writing is easier... I totally agree that in some cases, it is easier to be clear in writing, but wouldn't it have been better to write out a letter and hand it to him WHILE HE WAS VISITING? That way it is still telling him face-to-face, but in a written way that is easier than stumbling over spoken words. I've typed up letters to Keith a few times when I was having trouble articulating what I was feeling, but I'm always present when he reads them if it is going to be a shocker.
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That actually makes a lot of sense.

Communication is hard. It's especially hard when both people have very different communication styles. I don't mind texting, my husband hates it. If I ever sent him a text like the one that opened this conversation, he would probably phone me instead of texting back.

I tend to converse by basically thinking out loud and making up my mind as I go along. My husband tends to keep it all to himself until he's come to a complete and final conclusion and then shares it with me, all censored and edited for my benefit. We're both striving for balance between these two styles. At the same time, we're both learning to be more tolerant of the other's approach. I'm getting better at letting him sit and stew, because I've learned that he will eventually talk to me, or else he'll sort it out and get over it. He's getting better at realizing that the first thing out of my mouth isn't necessarily my true opinion. Yet still, I sometimes get impatient and ask him to let me in on his thought process, and he sometimes gets hurt and offended when I say something less than tactful.
 
cjmobxnc said:
Are you talking about the Walter that Jeff Dunham has as a puppet?
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Yep. I like that dude. Walter is the man!

But back on subject.

I just needed to know if I was wrong for feeling shitty because I got this news in a text, and you have helped me through that.

Now, PK and I have worked through most of our communication issues.

Thanks for responding, everyone.
 
newguy said:
Yep. I like that dude. Walter is the man!

I just needed to know if I was wrong for feeling shitty because I got this news in a text, and you have helped me through that.

Now, PK and I have worked through most of our communication issues.
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Good to hear that you and PK are working things through.

P.S. I like Achmed just a teeny bit more than Walter.
 
1. Method? Should have been face-to-face conversation. Seemed more like "I've been fucking other guys, and now I want you to fuck other women so you can be cool with me fucking other people."

2. How did you tell, or how were you told?
My partner mentioned that she had joined a couple of dating/fuck sites and meet some people.

Background: She knew I realized that she had been texting like crazy. Went from maybe 4-5 texts a day from co-workers, family, friends, etc., to hour-long text sessions. She'd be smiling and giggling at their responses. She felt comfortable enough with them to share her phone number for texts only.

She told me that she had a desire to be with another woman, or maybe a man (if he met her very high standards for a "dream guy"). Nothing serious, just an NSA fuck session. She says that she still loved me, would always love me and didn't want to leave me, but she'd had these feelings on-and-off for years, and could never get the courage to tell me. At the same time, she tried to convince me to join the sex sites too, and said she would be supportive of me looking for a fuck-buddy, no big deal.

She basically felt depressed about herself and needed to know that she was still desirable to other people. And she is. She just has a hard time really believing it.

To her, sex is just stuff people do. But sex is very big deal in most relationships. It's a bond we share as faithful spouses. Now to say that sex is a simple act that should be shared was a bit shocking, coming from her. She has always been jealous/protective of me when she thought another women was trying to flirt with me. Now she's okay with me seeing and fucking somebody else?
 
SmoovMochaNut said:
1. Method? Should have been face-to-face conversation. Seemed more like "I've been fucking other guys, now I want you to fuck other women so you can be cool with me fucking other people."
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Not the case at all. PK really wanted me to experience poly. She thought that all people were poly and just didn't realize it (at least that's how she explained it to me). So her goal was to let me see if poly was for me. If so, she could tell me about her feeling; if not, she wouldn't tell me. PK knows that I have less of an issue with "fuck buddies" (mostly because I know she didn't/wouldn't just have one). So if that was the case, she would have told me she was fucking someone.


SmoovMochaNut said:
2. How did you tell, or how were you told?
My partner mentioned that she had joined a couple of dating/fuck sites and meet some people. Background: She knew I realized that she had been texting like crazy. Went from maybe 4-5 texts a day from co-workers, family, friends, etc. to hour-long text sessions. She'd be smiling and giggling at their responses. She felt comfortable enough with them to share her phone number for texts only. She told me that she has had a desire to be with another woman or maybe another man... Nothing serious, just a NSA fuck session.
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Man, at least she told you about her feelings.

I'm new to poly, just found out about it this year. But to me, your partner just wants sex with others, and doesn't mind if you do the same. So my question is: wouldn't this be more swinging than polyamory?

As far as her not telling you about her entire text/phone conversations, I think that if you want to know, you should discuss it with her. Let her know why you want to know. And if she is comfortable with telling you, please don't judge her for the context. If she doesn't feel comfortable telling you, in my opinion, you may not want to push the issue.
 
I see what you're saying. You're cool about it. You trust PK.

My partner now knows she is definitely bisexual. I agreed to allow her to continue talking to a girl she was interested in. The girl had been wanting to hook up with her to meet and possibly play a little. I encouraged my partner to meet her and see what happened. (They did meet, and played. My partner liked eating pussy, and getting her pussy licked and tongued by a girl, but needed some dick afterwards.) Long story short, she has met another girl that she'd want to be closer to.

She still talks to guys, but is really looking for women.

And I'm cool with her text sessions as well. I kinda see as her going out to a club and meeting other people there. I really don't have to know what their conversations were about, unless she wants to tell me.
 
nycindie said:
You "allowed" your partner to talk to someone? Mighty big of you. Wow. Just wow.
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Without all of details, we discussed her interest in seeing women. We've been married for over 10 years. She wanted me to be okay with her desire and pursuit of a fantasy she had been curious about for years. She wanted to know if I was okay with her possibly pursuing sexual relationships with other people. By me saying that I "allowed" her, I'm really saying that, after lengthy discussion of initial limitations, we knew that we could have a more open marriage, where sex with other people would be okay.

She wanted me to pursue other friendships as well, and openly supports and encourages me to do so. The big this honesty & communication. If she meets a M or F that interests her, she'll tell me, and vice versa with me, if I meet a F that I want to be closer to.

I didn't intend to sound possessive of her, just that if I wasn't cool with swinging, and she still had strong feelings of wanting to do it, there would've been the possibility of separation.

In a marriage, if one of the spouses isn't into poly or swinging, and the other is, it just won't work.
 
SmoovMochaNut said:
If I wasn't cool with swinging, and she still had strong feelings of wanting to do it, there would've been the possibility of separation. In a marriage, if one of the spouses isn't into poly or swinging, and the other is, it just won't work.
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Well, lots of marriages work where one partner is monoamorous and the other is polyamorous. The mono one just has to be cool with their partner being poly, even though it's not the mono's preference.

It is quite common for the monoamorous partner to be introverted, less social, and the polyamorous one to be more outgoing and social. In fact, the mono one might be glad the other gets out of the house and out of their hair! My current bf has this arrangement with his wife. She doesn't seem too interested in anything he does with me, just asks when she can expect him home.
 
Magdlyn said:
Well, lots of marriages work where one partner is mono and the other is poly.The mono one just has to be cool with their partner being poly, even tho it's not the mono's preference.

It is quite common for one partner to be introverted, less social, and the poly one to be more outgoing and social. In fact, the mono one might be glad the other gets out of the house and out of their hair.
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And that's cool. I understand that. As long as both partners/spouses are aware, and fine with the arrangement, no issues there. But I'm sure there have been just as many couples where one partner wanted to remain mono and expected the other to do the same. That's where they must trust each other and communicate their preferences before somebody gets their feelings hurt.
 
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