Texting boundaries

Mostlymonogamish- woke up from a bad dream (about this) this morning and read your post and your hugs made a big difference.




I know, I know, melodramatic, but I don't control my dreams and I really am quite foolishly stressed by all of this. Dreamt I was asked out on a date by him, really looking forward to it, and when I arrived he was with someone else and was trying to get with them, and had forgotten that he had invited me over. I was asked to sit in the corner and just basically be present but not interacting with anyone. He was texting me saying that this was just what was to be expected with polyamory, I was making a fuss, and it was silly to think anyone would want me or want to talk to me or interact with me.
 
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Sorry you had that bad dream. I hope your stress levels go down so that that won't happen in the future.
 
I'm sorry you had a bad dream.

He was texting me saying that this was just what was to be expected with polyamory, I was making a fuss, and it was silly to think anyone would want me or want to talk to me or interact with me.
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Does he do that in real life? Something comes up, and he tells you that you are making a fuss, this is just how it is with ____, and it's silly to think anyone else would want to interact with you?

Galagirl
 
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I'm really glad the hugs made you feel better! That seems like a disturbing dream. In my experience, recurring dreams about one subject are a way for my subconscious mind to get my conscious mind involved, to get me to pay attention to my thoughts and feelings.

I wanted to quote some of your posts, so that you might be able to see what I am seeing. I have snipped the statements that stand out for me, and bolded the bits that seem most telling.

Cannotthinkofausername said:
He has completely forgotten about it, I do not think he has ever followed it.

I know this partner has hurt me before through forgetting about other boundaries.

And it's not his fault, I am stupid and overreact about things- as for example this. I know it's not important. Yet I'm still starting a stupid thread about it anyway.
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Cannotthinkofausername said:
I did at that time. I said that I... was not comfortable texting other partners when with him and vice versa, that it seemed disrespectful and that I wanted to be present with the person I was with- and that I would prefer he stop sex to deal with whatever the important issue was, rather than texting during. He said that... it was completely okay... and the other rule had been stupid.

I hate that I have to jump up and down about boundaries for fear he will forget or ignore them or carve out exceptions, and that I can't trust that stuff he says is important is actually important.

And that I have to be the uptight boundary-setting one and he gets to be the free-and-easy happy-go-lucky chill one.

I am likely to be overly-strict...

...basically I'm just generally unreasonable.

I am oversensitive and he won't notice if something hurts me.

Probably he's right, probably his preferred rules are the right ones.

I could well just be overreacting to small things. He is a good person and is likely in the right. It maybe makes sense for him to make the rules...
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Cannotthinkofausername said:
unintentionally forgetting about me- I was a kind of prop... not noticing that I was doing so because his mind was elsewhere. It was ages ago and I should be over it...

In neither case was harm intended... he would not have done it if he had known it would hurt... he just didn't see it as a problem. He just thought the texting rule was obviously stupid and saw no reason to have it.

...if it turns out he needs it to be happy and comfortable around me, or if getting that means I would have to kick up enough of a fuss to hurt us, I do not want that.
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Cannotthinkofausername said:
He keeps agreements if he thinks they are important, to me or him.

I am not very attractive and this is understandable...

He will check it- and I often object and he will stop when I object...

I feel safe and like I can trust him- unless he forgets or doesn't notice when something is wrong.

He can be inconsiderate accidentally but reacts well when this is brought to his attention in a way that he understands how serious it is- I just wish... that it took less for him to notice something is wrong.
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Cannotthinkofausername said:
He says it is not because he was bored and not because I am unattractive but instead because he sometimes finds it hard to put life down, he thought it would be okay.

...I got unreasonably upset...
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Cannotthinkofausername said:
I am... a bit sensitive so it probably is all a bit overblown and dramatic-sounding etc.

I had been getting a bit over-upset.
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Cannotthinkofausername said:
...melodramatic... foolishly stressed by all of this.
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Though you may not be aware of it, there is a clear pattern to your relationship, or at least to the way you describe your relationship. It seems that there is a power imbalance, in which the agreements the two of you make are not respected. It also seems as though you downplay the seriousness of this, painting yourself as unreasonable, over-emotional, melodramatic. You describe events that myself and other posters have strong HELL NO reactions to, but then backpedal to excuse your partner.

I commend you for seeking support and opinions here. This is an excellent community, with a wealth of varied life experience. Sometimes, we will ask for help or advice before we are ready to accept it, and it's okay to be wherever you are right now. I hear you saying that you are not ready to leave this partner, that you are happy, and that you feel respected. So I will just gently point out that it doesn't sound like a happy, healthy, respectful relationship.

It can be difficult to reconcile strong love and attachment with poor treatment, especially when coupled with self-esteem issues. Please remember that it's okay to disagree with your partner, to set boundaries for yourself, to expect that agreements will be honored. None of those things make you oversensitive, stupid, or melodramatic. What makes you feel as though his needs are more important than yours?
 
One last question:

Do you think that the reason you are willing to see yourself as overdramatic is because admitting that your concerns are reasonable means acknowledging all the cracks in the relationship? What would the narrative look like if you WERE reasonable? That might be an interesting thought experiment: to tell the same story, but from a purely factual standpoint, in which emotions, excuses, and motives don't come into play. Would that change the angle of the view?
 
ok so the question is how do we handle texting when with one of our partners?

We're pretty loose. If I know SO is on a date I won't text him. Because I want to give him space. He hasn't asked me not to, but I don't.

If dh and I are out together, I might text SO. I've done it when DH and I were out watching sports and I texted SO to razz him about how his team was doing in the game. DH didn't mind at all, and even told me some things to tell SO.

If SO texts me and I tell him I'm watching tv or doing something with dh he always says, enjoy and I'll TTYL. We randomly text each other so we never know what the other person may be up to at the moment.

If nothing is really happening, I have no issue sitting there texting with SO while dh is in the room. The same way dh will talk to his friends on the phone if I'm there.

If he's texting too much while he's with you then ask him to stop when it happens. If he tells you to text someone while he's there, then take him at his word that he won't mind. But it sounds like more is going on here than just the "how do you handle texting" question
 
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If I am concerned about how much my loved ones are on their phone while I am with them, then it says something about how I feel about that association. What is says is that I am not secure about this person and I need them to "pay attention to me" to set my feelings at ease.

Assuming this is a new person who I have not established an intimate connection to, this makes a bit more sense. The relationship *is* unsure, and there is no telling how they feel about me. Most likely, I don't know how I feel about them. If they are chatting on their phone during the time we have together I would most likely think they are not interested in me...

With my loved ones, if they are checking their phone I'm guessing they've got stuff going on, they're in the middle of an exciting conversation... whatever. If they are doing this while we're talking or some other oddly dismissive behavior and I find it rude, then that's something I might need to bring up with them, but that's a different issue.
 
Yeah, I am 110% not secure. Given that they used to regularly compare me to their better in bed partners during sex, and would actually stop noticing my reactions when they did that. I kind of feel I am the crappy substitute for an actual sex partner, that I am a human fleshlight. That's not their fault, that's not my fault as far as I can see, they didn't make me not-attractive. But it hurts. I wish I was less insecure, I know that is something I need to work on. If I was reasonable none of this would be a problem, I could just roll with it.

It's also that it's out on dates. We would be out on a date and he was not just checking his phone- he was sitting on it ignoring me, as a regular part of dates, not for the whole date but for maybe 2 mins, maybe 15-20 minutes. I would start conversations and he would kind-of-respond then go back to the phone. Made me feel unwanted, and he would do things like ask me not to bring a book since we were going to talk to each other- and then sit on the phone, holding my hand but otherwise not engaging. And now it's worse since I know that he also might have just been like 'oh, want to talk to better partner'. I get to see him once a week, and for me it's something special, something I look forward to. But this made me feel it was not so much for him.

And this is all stupid because he goes to so much effort to make me feel wanted in other ways, and I wish that I just thought about those times and realized everything was okay and let him sit and text without being hurt by it.
 
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I know I would be hurt if someone ignored me like that.
 
And this is all stupid because he goes to so much effort to make me feel wanted in other ways, and I wish that I just thought about those times and realized everything was okay and let him sit and text without being hurt by it.
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You keep coming at it "either/or."

It is possible this is "both/and."

Like he BOTH (treats you well sometimes in some ways) AND (when on dates he behaves poorly.)

If he asks you out on a date where he says you are going to talk to each other? And then what actually happens is that he pays more attention to his phone than you on the date? It is OK and reasonable for you to be upset by that behavior.

Why bother to ask you out then? :confused:

You may as well bring the book. Or just not bother to go on the date if this is how he behaves on dates.

It's like you are trying to get ok with/ignore things that are ok to be upset about because you think you are too ugly to get any better treatment. I find that really sad. :(

You have worth, value, and dignity and deserve nice treatment. From yourself and from other people. If other people do not treat you well? Then YOU could treat you well and keep away from people like that. I hope you come to believe that you deserve to be treated well.

Galagirl
 
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Are you seeing a counselor? If not, I suggest that you consider doing so. These are obviously issues that go way deeper than simple texting boundaries. I'm not suggesting you stop posting here, but it is clear that internet strangers are no substitute for a good counselor in your corner.

I'm especially concerned by your repeated correlation between physical attractiveness & self worth. I understand that I come at this from a perspective of privilege - I'm able-bodied, within the realm of socially-acceptable fatness, reasonably attractive face - so I don't want to make assumptions about your experiences or be patronizing. But I definitely hear you saying that you're not attractive, THEREFORE, you do not deserve to be treated well by a partner. That is simply untrue. Your intrinsic worth is unrelated to your (perceived?) fuckability.

You have worth, you have value, you deserve to be treated well. If your partner is ignoring you on dates? You could ask him to be present & ignore his phone. If he won't? You could start reading a book, or knitting, or - better yet - tell him you're only available for dates when both parties are present & engaged with each other.

Again, I ask, what makes his needs more important than yours? What makes you so willing to accept crumbs from his table? What makes you believe you don't deserve better treatment?

What I see is that he's treating you like shit, and you somehow feel as though you deserve it. You don't. You have power, and agency, and you get to decide who's allowed in your life. I'm wishing you strength & clarity.
 
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