Thanks, Midlife Crisis... where to from here?

V

VA_Gentleman

New member
**The Short Version**

I’m a mid-50s male. I would say I look fairly young for my age (told mid-40s by my partners) and been married to an amazing woman for over 30 years. Despite making an effort a few times a year, our intimacy is limited. I suspect her past traumas and possible asexual tendencies contribute to this. Although she declined my suggestion of an open relationship due to her Catholic beliefs, she once implied she wouldn’t need to know if I pursued it discreetly, stating, "What she doesn't know, she doesn't know"

**Some Context**

I grew up in the LGBT community with a liberal single mom and gay “uncles,” making sex a non-taboo topic for me. At the end of last year, I found the courage to explore polyamory online and matched with a few people. One of them has become a significant partner. She emerged from a difficult marriage and discovered polyamory a year before we met. She has been incredible in helping me understand myself and my past.

**Current Situation**

My emotions are in turmoil, which I attribute to a midlife crisis. (Why deny it? It is what it is.) While I want to explore this side of myself discreetly, I fear the potential emotional impact on my wife if she discovers it. Ironically, I think she might be more accepting if I identified as gay rather than revealing my polyamory and possible bisexuality.

Over the last few months, I’ve also realized it’s more about intimacy, and not just the ability of having friends that I can "play with" (although that's also new to me and been amazing dynamic of all this, as well). During my 20s, I didn’t have the friendships and relationships that others did. I can count the number of partners I had before last year on one hand. Now, in my 50s, discovering polyamory has opened my mind and heart. I’m confused and unsure how to navigate these feelings without seeming like someone who’s only interested in sex.

I came here to express my thoughts and feelings, hoping for understanding rather than judgment. I’m always concerned about “the other shoe dropping.” I’m not worried about divorce—our kids are grown, and we are truly partners. My main concern is her discovering this and the potential devastation it could cause her emotionally.

Ultimately, I want to be honest with her, but I also understand her perspective of “what she doesn’t know, she doesn’t know.” Even though she doesn’t want to know, I still feel the urge to tell her. No matter how I explain it, I know she will see it as just wanting sex, but it’s not that. It’s about intimacy and the connections I missed out on in my younger years.

I'm not getting any younger, and if not now, when? I can't simply wait until "death do us part." So, what are my alternatives?

I want to find a way to balance my desire for deeper connections with the respect and love I have for my wife. How can I explore these feelings and relationships without causing unnecessary pain? Is there a path forward that allows me to be true to myself while being considerate of my wife's feelings?

I'm looking for advice and shared experiences from those who have navigated similar situations. How did you approach these delicate conversations? What strategies helped you maintain honesty and compassion in your relationships?

Thanks for any insights...
 
Hello VA_Gentleman,

It sounds like your wife wants a DADT arrangement (Don't Ask; Don't Tell). You're thinking this wouldn't work because she might discover a relationship you're having even if you didn't tell her. I think maybe you should tell her about this concern, and ask what she would suggest. Also try to explain to her that you don't just want sex, you want a relationship. The bottom line is, you need to have another relationship, and you need to be able to tell her about it. I don't know what the secret is to convincing her of this. All I can think of is to tell her of your concerns, and see what she thinks.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello VA_Gentleman,

It sounds like your wife wants a DADT arrangement (Don't Ask; Don't Tell). You're thinking this wouldn't work because she might discover a relationship you're having even if you didn't tell her. I think maybe you should tell her about this concern, and ask what she would suggest. Also try to explain to her that you don't just want sex, you want a relationship. The bottom line is, you need to have another relationship, and you need to be able to tell her about it. I don't know what the secret is to convincing her of this. All I can think of is to tell her of your concerns, and see what she thinks.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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Yes, that's how I take it. Most of the time my reasons for being out aren't questioned. But I hate lying.

For me, going out to hang out with others and such is out of norm and I know it. I work from home and rarely leave... and have a circle of friends locally that before this was less than I could count on one hand.

So not only have I developed relationships with new partners, but increased my circle of friends by a factor of 1000%. Also most of my new friends and partners are 20 years younger than me. That said, my hobbies, interests, musical tastes all tend to track younger, always have.

Its been a lot for me to take in..

I love my "New Normal," but being on the spectrum, it's kind of scary. I never opened myself to new friends and new partners over the last 30 years and now that I have able to break out of my shell, even just this little bit, it's been eye opening. Something as simple as hanging out and playing games with my partner and her partners was refreshing and something new.

I simply don't know what to do from here that is fair for me and fair for her.

The DADT side of things is kind of broken if you tell. That's where I don't know where to go. If I ask for her to clarify and bring it up, aren't I effectively telling? DIYD-DIYD
 
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I could be wrong in my impression, but it sounds like DADT was ok to start, but you are outgrowing it, and you'd like a more authentic and more intimate relationship with your wife. You want to share emotional intimacy and share your feelings. You want to share mental intimacy and share your thoughts. You want share your inner life with her so she can know you deep down. Like, you'd like her to love ALL of you, and not some "edited version" "or sanitized version" of you.

Is that true? Is that what is happening here?

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
I could be wrong in my impression.

But it sounds like DADT was ok to start, but you are outgrowing it. And you'd like a more authentic and more intimate relationship with your wife. You want to share emotional intimacy and share your feelings. You want to share mental intimacy and share your thoughts. You want share your inner life with her so she can know you deep down. Like you'd like her to love ALL of you, and not some "edited version" "or sanitized version" of you.

Is that true? Is that what is happening here?

Galagirl
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To a point. We are intimate, but for 25 years she hasn't really enjoyed or wanted sex, no matter how much I try. I will say I have learned from my other partners that it's not me... but that's made me want to give more. The issue is, she has zero interest.

Short version, she has all the signs of being asexual, but not sure if its from trauma, physical damage during childbirth, or both.

We are intimate in a cuddling sense, communicate well on almost everything else, and love each other. But I can't talk to her about sexual subjects, as she simply does not want to engage. Never has. I have always attributed it to her Catholic upbringing, to be honest. She's not uptight about other's sexuality, but when it comes to her own, that's a different subject.

The funny thing is, when others ask us how we are still together and seemingly have zero drama after 30 years, its because I do my thing and she does hers. No real questions or anything. "I'm going out" is usually followed with an "OK," from both sides..

She is my best friend, and it's been 30+ years. And I could not lose that. But I'm also not being honest with myself, now that I have found myself, and it's confusing. It's something, to be honest, I would talk to her about... but I find I can't.

I know what I want-- to be able to be honest with her, and when I go out, for it to simply be "OK" again, because I am going out a lot more, and feeling I have to explain, which means I am lying to her. And I end up feeling like I am taking advantage of her trust.

That, flipped on its head, is the problem with the DADT, or "What she don't know she don't know" aspect. If a family member or friend sees me out, or I get in an accident, then she knows. Which breaks the "understanding"... which makes this all feel really like I am in a Schrödinger's "relationship" until the box is opened.
 
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Oh wait, it's Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don't, isn't it.
 
That's why DADT doesn't work. You HAVE to lie to your partner, and in essence, lose all trust and the foundation of the relationship. I'm sure she would be super hurt to find out how much lying it takes to keep a DADT policy going. You aren't in a great place. I hope you get it figured out.
VA_Gentleman said:
Although she declined my suggestion of an open relationship due to her Catholic beliefs, she once implied she wouldn’t need to know if I pursued it discreetly, stating, "What she doesn't know, she doesn't know."
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So, usually, in poly, a DADT agreement means they know poly is happening but don't want to hear about it. This sounds like your wife never consented to poly, and "implying" is not the same as consenting to DADT arrangement that you are doing now... so it's cheating. When she said "What I don't know won't hurt me," it might have been about sexual affairs only. This might work if you are just randomly hooking up with ONS. But it won't work in a relationship where you are intimate, having bonding and feelings develop. You'll want more, and so will your partner.

You should decide how you want to proceed sooner than later, as it will implode, and the level of hurt goes up the longer you try to make it work as it is. Your wife will find out. Do you want it to be from you doing the right thing, or from someone else telling her about the wrong thing? Breakups can be amicable, but if others see what's going on they can pressure her to make your life hell.
 
Bobbi said:
That's why DADT doesn't work. You HAVE to lie to your partner and in essence, lose all trust and the foundation of the relationship. I'm sure she would be super hurt to find out how much lying it takes to keep a DADT policy going. You aren't in a great place. I hope you get it figured out.

So, usually, in poly, a DADT agreement means they know poly is happening, but don't want to hear about it. This sounds like your wife never consented to poly, and "implying" is not the same as consenting to DADT arrangement that you are doing now... So it's cheating. When she said "What I don't know won't hurt me" it might have been about sexual affairs only. This might work if you are just randomly hooking up with ONS, but it won't work in a relationship where you are intimate, having bonding and feelings develop. You'll want more, and so will your partner. You should decide how you want to proceed sooner than later, as it will implode and the level of hurt goes up the longer you try to make it work as it is. Your wife will find out... Do you want it to be from you doing the right thing, or from someone else telling her about the wrong thing? Breakups can be amicable, but if others see what's going on they can pressure her to make your life hell.
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Thanks. That's my feelings. I am looking at the list from here of counselors.

I think it will be best to tell her, but first for me to go to a counselor specializing in this, and then bring her with me to a session. It seems the only good way to do it, outside of simply ending it or pausing it with my poly partner, which may be easier short term, until I get my guano together.
 
From the wife's possible perspective, be honest with her and don't do the DADT. You may think she is okay with certain things, but if she finds out and is not it could be devastating for your marriage. I am currently dealing with a situation where my husband thought looking for a partner was okay, but we never formally spoke about it, so when he announced that he'd met someone online I was crushed.
 
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