I was adopted at 10 days old, which was the minimum legal age in NZ at the time. It was an anonymous handover, I went from one family to the other...abruptly, I believe. It was technically an open adoption, but that meant that Social Welfare passed letters between my birthmother and my parents, they didn't have each other's contact details. So when someone, perhaps a change of case manager, at Social Welfare told each family that the other no longer wanted contact, they were believed. They were also blatantly lying. It was through pure fluke (and admittedly, a small country) that my birthmother and my parents got back in contact when I was 7. I won't say exactly how because this is, of course, searchable, but I still have the letter that my birthmother wrote to get back in contact once she found out who could pass it on.
I grew up always knowing I was adopted and being told that it was an open adoption and I would meet my birthmother when I was old enough. I didn't realise until later that that was an absolute wish to the universe rather than solid fact, at least until I was 7. I met her when I was 10 and my first half sister was a handful of months old. You'd kinda hope that would be the happy ending, but they were actually about to leave for overseas and so it felt to me like losing her all over again.
But we stayed in touch, and I watched my half sisters grow up a visit at a time. They moved back to NZ when I was a late teen but by then I was pretty busy with my own life as 18-24s are. In the interim, I'd met a lot of my cousins, and my grandparents, and often felt just like one of the family. That's admittedly waned since my grandmother died and I felt strangely like an outsider at her funeral.
In 2015, I was deeply lost in my professional life, zero career and an abandoned doctorate, as well as depression over where I was physically living (cold climate away from all my friends), I transferred to the North Island while Adam was in the South Island and moved in with my birthmother as an adult boarder. I'd joined the board by then so you can read my blog from there, but spoiler alert, it was her that then pointed me towards teaching in 2017. In so many ways, she finished raising me, I just happened to be mid 30s at the time.
It's strange though, we're not parent and child because that space is already very securely taken by my Mum and Dad. I HATE it when people who know about the biological connection call my birthmother my mum. My brain is like, "no, that title is taken, for my Mum, the one who got me at 10 days old and did her absolute best from then until now." My birthmother is my birthmother, and although she has been an amazing landlord, mentor (and colleague), friend and family member, she's not Mum. It's different and I don't appreciate the interchanging of the term as if it isn't a title or name.
So, how has it affected me? Well, I have some abandonment issues, although I've mostly got them in check. Honestly, I really didn't actually have major issues with my adoption until a therapist I had when I was going though a major depressive episode when I was 22, brought it up. I had actually been given a narrative that felt good to me until then, but she did a type of regression therapy that poked at that 10 day old that had that first set of ties cut. I guess that's why I found it quite confronting last year to find my birthmother's photo album of me in that first 10 days with all my aunts taking turns to hold me, as well as my middle name back then, something that no-one had ever thought to tell me. I mentioned that in my blog, too. It's weird discovering at 42 a name you were given at birth.
So, my adoption story is ongoing. It's entering a new phase this year with my change of job away from working literally 3 classroom doors down from my birthmother, but I've come to realise that the story won't end. This is (some of) it until now.
This is obviously just a snippet, and if anyone wants to ask more, I invite you to PM me. I also might share more if I feel it would be of benefit to the board, but I created this thread not just for me.
I encourage anyone who wants to to share their adoption story around the fireplace.