The Best Life Yet

(...continued from previous)

We had a really good couple of days where everything was all sunshine and giggles, and I was feeling almost back to NRE with him—not weighed down with any kind of concerns, feeling super sure that everything between us was super-awesome and going to stay that way, having great sex and just beaming at each other all the time. We messed around with some new cover songs, stayed up too late having fun, and cackled relentlessly over a YouTube video my sister had sent me that kept being stuck in our heads.

I also talked to Beckett for the first time in a while. He seems exceptionally intelligent, in addition to being really pretty. He confessed to me that he'd noticed me in a bar about a year ago and had tried to get Caleb to introduce him to me, but Caleb had refused. A year ago, I wasn't even hooking up with Caleb yet, so I speculated that either Caleb didn't yet realize that Rider and I were poly and was trying to protect Rider, OR Caleb wanted first crack at me himself. I had a bit of chagrin at that, because what I know of Beckett suggests that he is a much nicer and more socially adapted person than Caleb, and I'd much rather have passed the time with him, I think. Oh, well. At least I am getting my chance now. If Beckett has been attracted to me, unbeknownst to me, for a year now, then it seems unlikely to just evaporate any time soon. We talked of dates and, as it turns out, our schedules will be clearing up around the same time in late July. I told him tentatively that some night of the weekend of 7/31–8/1 might work, saying that I'd get back to him with something more definite soon.

Nearly as soon as Beckett and I had talked about that, though, a potential wrench got thrown in the gears. Rider came to me saying that Kelly had learned of an event in our town that she wanted to go to, and he asked me what our schedule looked like for that weekend in August. That happened to be the weekend we'd earmarked for visiting Sam again. Our August schedule had two trips on it: one visit to Sam and one romantic getaway during which I plan to do the official proposal since I will have the ring by then. There's a week between the two that we'd decided would be a downtime weekend.

Rider started asking about moving the Sam visit to either a week later (would mean we would be traveling two weekends in a row), or a week earlier (would steamroll my tentative plans with Beckett). Not to mention that I'd been pretty stoked about the idea of having a month to catch my breath and not be staring down the barrel of the next Kelly visit; I'd been hoping to have some time to get a couple of therapy visits under my belt and not have the next "be ready for this!" deadline hanging over my head quite so soon.

I told Rider that TECHNICALLY, we could probably move things around to make it work—it is totally up to him—but that I am biased against wanting to do so for the reasons listed above. I told him that I'd leave the ultimate decision to him. He still hasn't given me his final decision, but I think he's leaning to leave things the same. It just seems laughably ill-timed to me that the ONE TIME that I meet someone that I spark with and then finally tentatively schedule a date A MONTH OUT, Rider/Kelly planning stuff comes up that threatens to stomp all over my fun. Rider was like, "Well, you've waited this long; can't you put it off one more week?" Sure, I COULD. But it makes me want to grr, and I made sure Rider knows it. It's soooo rare that I'm attracted to people, and even rarer that it is someone local (just lives the next town over, about forty minutes away). I told Beckett that I'd let him know what's up as soon as I find out, and he said, "Something to look forward to." Which made me squee a little.

To Rider's credit, he DID tell Kelly that, as it turned out, he had something already planned that weekend, and he told her he'd check to see if it could be moved. So at least he's checking our schedule before making solid plans with her, which was something he had neglected to do in the past. I guess it's a start. And on my end, I am feeling less ashamed about telling Rider frankly how I feel about things. I feel like we are so solid and know enough of each other's darkness that nothing is going to make us run away from each other. We don't have to ACT on our own feelings or on each other's feelings, but we can share them freely and truly know each other. So that's a start, too.

Other than that one thing dangling in the air waiting to be decided, things have been going really well.

I met Rider's ex-girlfriend on Saturday, the one he'd still been hung up on when he and I became friends, and the last person he dated monogamously. They were together for just under a year in 2012, and he'd fallen for her hard then had his heart broken when she moved away to go to law school and the long distance thing didn't work out. She was REALLY cool! She and I got on like a house on fire. We discovered that we were born only eight days apart, and we showed up wearing almost the same dress. It was funny and uncanny. If she were still local, she and I would certainly be very good friends.

Rider and I also found out that one of his best friends from college might be moving back to the US from overseas the same month that we are moving to Opposite Coast...and possibly going to live in the SAME CITY we are! He is super thrilled about that prospect. And Sam has said that if Rider and that friend both live there, that could make a convincing case for Sam himself to move, too. The three of them were all roommates in college and have been best friends for 20 years. So there is suddenly a realistic chance that I could have Rider, Oona, and Sam all in the same city, with Moss just two hours away. Be still, my heart. (Not that I am considering being romantic with Moss again, really, but he remains and will always be one of my closest friends.)

In the morning, I have to go on a business trip to a midwestern city where one of my brothers lives. It will be nice to see him. He's a half-brother on my dad's side and doesn't really keep in touch with the family. The last time I saw him was in 2009, when Moss and I were moving cross-country. It will be nice to have someone to hang out with, since usually on those trips I just stay in my hotel room and read the internet after I am done with work.

I guess I should wrap this up and get to packing...Rider will be home from band practice in less than two hours, and I want to spend a little bit of QT with him before I have to go to sleep in preparation for the trip. It's a busy week this week—I get back from the Midwest on Thursday, and Rider and I go to visit Sam for Sam's birthday on Friday. So much travel!
 
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I'm back from my midwestern business trip. It sure was hot there! I've always been a coast-dweller, on one side or the other. I never really stopped to think about how hot it gets in the middle. I had fun with my brother. We ended up partying way too late the night before last, so I was exhausted yesterday. It was definitely hard to drag my ass into the conference hall in the morning. It was a very long day for me, and my connecting flight on the way home was delayed, so I didn't end up getting home until 3 a.m. Yikes!

Rider and I enjoyed some tired-but-still-phenomenal reunion sex. So many times when we are having sex, I feel like it is the best thing I ever felt in my life—it's like my brain can't retain the memory of the intensity of the pleasurable feeling, so it seems like a dizzying new height even though it's probably one I've reached before. Sex with and then sleeping next to Rider is pretty much the best thing ever.

He and I also did a lot of talking over IM while I was contained in my conference booth. I feel so lucky to have him. He's the only person in the world who knows me inside and out—every dark corner of my mind. He has all my secrets, even the ones that I had always thought I'd take to the grave. He knows things about me that I'd never even tell Oona, and she's been my best friend for 15 years. I trust him on so many different levels—to not judge me no matter what I tell him, to never hurt me on purpose, to tell me the truth, even if the truth is hard. I know that our relationship hasn't always been kittens and Skittles and rainbow-glitter unicorn farts, but it is by far and away the most real and valuable relationship I've ever had. <3

Tonight, Rider and I will be heading to College Town to hang out with Sam for his birthday. I am pretty excited about giving Sam some happy-birthday sexing up. We've all negotiated that that is what is going to happen. I know that Rider has felt weird on at least one occasion about my spending the entire night with Sam when he is in the next room, so I will be returning to Rider when I am done. It's all for the best, anyway, because Sam sleeps best alone or not being touched at all, and Rider and I are both cuddle-monsters. I think I've figured out the reason that my sexual interest in Sam has fallen off some over time: he doesn't really like tongue-kissing. For me, that's one of my favorite parts, so even though the actual sex with him has always been good, I'm less tempted into it because we don't make out a lot.

Two other poly-related things of note:

1) Rider decided to keep our schedule the same instead of shuffling it around for Kelly, so I finally set my solid date with Beckett for July 31. We've done a bit more chatting over IM. I did some Facebook stalking on him and discovered something that made me a bit uncomfortable, but I'm willing to hear him out. Basically, I discovered that his last LTR was with a girl who he started dating like two days after she turned 18, after having been friends with her since she was recently 17. (I think he's around my age or maybe a little older, so he'd probably have been around 30–32 at the time.) There's something about that that raises some creeper flags for me—like he was just biding his time to pounce on her when it was legal.

But they stayed together for about four years, and from everything I can tell, he was a kind and devoted partner to her, so maybe it was an exception situation, and not his general m.o.? He told me that she cheated on him with the husband of his earlier ex, and then left him. And he's clearly attracted to me, and I'm clearly an adult woman, so...we'll see. I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and be warily optimistic. It's so rare that I spark with someone instantly and in the wild like that, but I won't let it blind me if he has serious issues going on.

2) Kelly is going to come along on my business trip to Fabulous Resort City in a couple of weeks. Perhaps it is strange that I invited my metamour along on a trip, just me and her, but I really have been developing an independent friendship with her, and it seemed so lame to let a free (well, business-expensed) hotel room in a fabulous city go to waste. Plus, I'll have someone to hang out with and explore with, which is way more fun than drinking alone at close-to-hotel bars then internetting from my hotel room.

Rider is madly envious, but hey, I'd offered the trip to him first, and he'd not wanted to take the time off of work. For a moment, he said something about maybe being able to switch his vacation week, and I got a little irritated that he hadn't wanted to do that when it was just me, but now that it's me AND her, he'd considered it. I told him that one of the reasons I'd invited her in the first place was that I had that slot open—if he'd been able to do it, I'd just have taken him! I think he was just thinking out loud, though, because he very quickly talked himself through actually wanting to do the fall road trip we'd originally been planning, which is what he had earmarked those days for. I let it go. Pretty pleased that my reaction to these types of things has downgraded from burning rage to mild irritation. :p

OK, back to work for me. So much to do, always!
 
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I had THE most fantastic weekend with Rider and Sam. As per usual, Rider and I chatted the entire 3.5-hour drive away, pretty much nonstop. Our car rides together always pass so quickly and are never boring because it's basically just more hanging out. When we arrived in College Town, Sam and his platonic female friend were at a bar, already quite drunk to celebrate Sam's birthday. Rider and I had planned to get one drink there and then head back to Sam's place, but Sam's friend bought multiple rounds of shots that—even though I didn't even finish the second one—rendered me uncomfortable with driving, so Rider (being MUCH larger than me) took that duty over.

It was kind of funny that while we were at the bar, Sam's friend was trying to act like his wingwoman to pick up chicks and had also enlisted a random gay guy to give Sam "game improvement" tips on dressing and how to carry himself. I think Sam is fine how he is... :shrug: At one point, his friend had asked me to assist her in her efforts, and I told her that I think that would be a conflict of interest that night, haha. She was drunk and did not pick up my meaning, so I eventually had to be more explicit and, when she was railing about how Sam needed some sex in his life, I told her that I had that part covered for the night, with a wink.

We all went back to Sam's and continued the party. His friend ended up passing out on the couch almost immediately, and Rider and I partied with Sam for a while before retreating to the guest house to set up the air mattress. I parted with Rider with a kiss, then went to bed with Sam while Rider worked on some music. I had a lot of fun with Sam, though it appeared that he was too drunk to reach orgasm. I tried my ass off, though, wanting him to get his, especially since it was his birthday, and I had gotten mine. After a time, we were both too exhausted and sweaty to continue, so I kissed Sam goodnight and returned to Rider. Rider wanted sex too, and let me be lazy and just lie there and get another orgasm. It was kind of a trip going from one to the other so quickly in succession like that—kind of hot!

When Rider and I woke the next morning, Sam was still asleep. We were starving and Rider and Sam have this forever-long tradition spanning back to when they were college roommates of waking each other up obnoxiously to go eat breakfast, so Rider woke Sam up by basically yelling at him that it was time to eat. I bought the boys breakfast, we did a bit of light shopping afterward, and then we returned to Sam's. We just hung out shooting the shit and watching videos and stuff for a while. There was one particularly delicious moment where Sam was sitting on the small couch (bigger than a love seat, but smaller than a typical sofa) and I was lying with my head in his lap, chatting with him and stroking his arm, and Rider came in from doing some stuff outside and then lifted my legs and sat down under them, so that only my butt was touching the couch—most of my top part was on Sam and my bottom part on Rider. I was petting both of their arms, and we were just holding a regular conversation, as pleasant as could be.

Eventually, it was almost dinner time, so we set all of our musical equipment up and then Rider messed around with that while I cooked dinner and Sam straightened up a bit. After dinner, we played music for a while, deciding on a whim to learn a Black Sabbath song. I had a turn at trying to sing like Ozzy, and it was a lot of fun. Sam got very tired and went to bed relatively early, and Rider and I stayed up until nearly dawn continuing to play music. I learned the drums! I'd never thought I'd be much good at them, but by the end of the weekend, both Rider and Sam were saying that I was a natural and maybe should consider getting a drum set after the move.

After all of that very physical music-making, I was too tired for sex, so Rider and I just lay in bed talking and talking until we drifted off. Our conversation was very intimate, and I think we came away from it understanding each other even better. I had said something about—while I'd never say never—not seeing myself being very interested in a local secondary for a while, because my life is already so busy that I don't get everything done that I'd like. He immediately started saying "never say never" and I said "that's exactly what I JUST SAID" and he went on to say that if that was something that I wanted that would make me happy, he's all for it and I should just go for it.

I stopped him and pointed out that that is YET AGAIN another case where I tell him that I don't think I want something, and it's almost like he tries to convince me that I do want it. It's happened before with the idea of one-night stands and pushing my Beckett date up sooner, as well as with other things. I will specifically say that, no, I'm not that interested in doing a thing, and he will start defending the thing, like either HE wants me to do it, or like I'd been saying that *he* shouldn't to it rather than that *I* don't want to. It's a pattern. So I kind of laid it out and forced him to look at why he does that.

Eventually, he said that he guesses it's probably two reasons: the first is that he's learned his lesson about saying that he doesn't want to do something and then looking like a fool when it turns out that he does want to (i.e., starting things with Kelly), and so he wants to make sure that I'm not doing the same thing. Difference is, I already KNOW that, and I always qualify what I'm saying with caveats and with the setting of it being how I feel AT THE MOMENT.

The second thing is that he feels like if I were more active with other people, then he would feel less bad about leaving me alone to hang out with Kelly sometimes, like there was more balance. But, like, it doesn't really work that way. At the height of my most recent freakout, I was totally already hanging out with Jake, and all that happened was that I ended up being kind of unfair to Jake by being preoccupied. (Jake was such a saint about it, so willing to step into the role of friend and adviser instead of lover, when that's what I needed in the moment.) Being with other people does not decrease my desire to be with Rider in those moments, and it kind of shouldn't, I think. After all, people shouldn't be Band-Aids for other people's loneliness; that's something that needs to be solved from the inside.

I think we came out of that conversation with his finally understanding that I really don't want something if I say that I don't want it, and that using people as Band-Aids is not a solution. And with my understanding WHY he kept using that conversational tactic, which I had found consistently mystifying and slightly maddening. Sometimes he approaches things so sideways-crabwise rather than directly and with purpose. It did FEEL to me like he had an aim in saying those things that went beyond face value, but I had to pry it out of him.

That was just one of a million things we talked about that night. Another momentous topic was how I have a lot of people who I feel very close to and with whom I can discuss problems, while he really doesn't. I am bonded closely enough to him, Oona, Moss, Jake, and my ex's sister-in-law Georgia to tell them my problems and feelings and for me to hear theirs. Rider pretty much just has me, though once in a while, he does let off a little steam to Kelly. The friend who introduced me and Rider used to be Rider's closest confidante until he realized that she had been purposefully stirring up drama in all his relationships for years (including ours). I think he feels a little isolated sometimes. He has LOTS of good friends, but he doesn't have a real precedence of deep emotional communication with them. He says maybe it's a guy thing. It made me sad to hear it, though. I mean, I'm glad that he at least has me, but I'm sure there are times when he wants to bitch about me to someone, and he really doesn't have a place to do that. Especially when it has to do with my feelings about the whole Kelly thing—he can't exactly go to HER with that stuff without making everyone involved feel weird.

Eventually we stopped talking and drifted off to sleep, sleeping restfully into the next afternoon. When we woke up, Sam was already up with coffee brewed. I fixed breakfast and, fortified, we started playing music again. It was so much fun! Sam was obviously enjoying himself more than he had while exhausted the previous night. I got even better at the drums, and we recorded some things. We looked at the moon in Rider's telescope that we had brought, and then gave Sam long, lingering goodbye hugs. We stayed way longer than we ought to have, given how long of a drive we had home, but it was well worth it.

Rider and I chatted again the whole way home, discussing music and sex and personal history. I really will never, ever tire of talking to him. He's my best friend in the entire world. I love him so much.
 
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The day before yesterday, I had a bit of a not-at-all-poly-related freakout, due to my insanely busy life, lack of being home recently, super-long to-do list, and the general chaos of things currently. I have been feeling more and more burnt out on things in general, and regularly have to do ALL THE THINGS for work, and want to do ALL THE THINGS for play.

In addition to having been out of town a lot lately (and staring down more upcoming out-of-town-ness), I also spent Monday night rehearsing with Rider and backing band for his birthday show, for which I will be fronting one song. Man, that was kind of a disaster. As it turns out, full rock bands are really, really loud, and I am super used to singing only over Rider's acoustic. I can apparently only hit really high notes in my head voice and not belt them at all, and I was either too quiet or had to resort to a punk-rock scream. Everyone decided that the punk-rock scream would do, but GAH! Singing is sooo hard, and I don't know how anyone can sing high notes actually loud! So that was equal parts embarrassing, humbling, frustrating, and—because the guys were all so nice to me and gave me tips and encouraged my punk-rock scream—heartening.

And then there is the fact that I've been living out of exploding suitcases from traveling and also that so much of Rider's stuff had been at my house while he battled (and I think finally won!) his ongoing biting bug problem. I think that they ultimately turned out to be hay mites brought in on the rabbits' oat hay, which we'd switched to a few months ago when Rider became deathly allergic to the normal timothy hay. Two extra rabbits, a piece of kinky furniture, all of our hair dyeing supplies, and a suitcase, among other things, had slowly migrated to my small room over the course of his not being able to stay at his place. It was to the point where I could walk only a thin path through my room. I am a minimalist and—while not a neat freak, per se—definitely devoted to as little clutter as possible. A cluttered space, especially when working from home, begins to grate on my sanity after a while.

So Tuesday afternoon Rider and I made a list of all the things that we needed to do to get both of our lives back in order: a great deal of laundry, organizing our bills, moving all his stuff back to his place, taking out the massive pile of recycling that had built up...we started Tuesday night with a laundry date, where we washed EVERYTHING, including ALL my bedding that mites might have been hiding in (they had migrated from his place to mine, though in less force). I got all my bills in order. I set my alarm an hour earlier than usual so I had time for 20 minutes of exercise yesterday morning. I started to feel better.

I ate a salad and got a little work done and ordered Rider's birthday presents. Then I popped the Adderall that Sam had given me to see if it helped with my ongoing attention problems with work. Oh, wow! I was able to get three times as much done, even while conducting Facebook conversations with Rider and with Kelly. It was kinda crazy. I definitely would function at a higher capacity if I could find a doctor who recognizes that I need it. Rider and I made plans to check a bunch more things off of our to-do list tonight.

My conversation with Kelly was very interesting. It meandered all over the place but ended up talking about poly things and how we were both glad that we were becoming friends, even if it is under unusual circumstances. I explained to her that if there have been times she has caught whiff of tension between Rider and me that was related to her, it was nothing that I blame her for—Rider has been at fault in pretty much every case. I didn't bring up to her the issue of her few questionable comments, because they were just that—questionable—and could have just as easily been the product of oblivious thoughtlessness as anything else. She asked me to please tell her if it ever was her fault, and I said that I would. Which means that if something questionable comes up again, I suppose I'll ask her about it. I'll leave the past stuff in the past, though. As far as I am concerned, we have a clean slate.

We also bonded over feeling the pressure, as women, to look a certain way and not being happy with our current physical forms. My issues are that even though I appear to be relatively thin, the weight that I do gain goes straight to my middle, giving me a pot-bellied appearance, instead of "curvier" places like boobs or butt. And also that I have been beginning to see the first signs of lines on my face. People have always considered me "pretty," and I think that adds its own challenges to beginning to show age; if you get used to people valuing you, in part, on the way that you look, and treating you a certain way for it, when you see the first concrete evidence that you will inevitably lose that, there is kind of a grieving involved.

I hate trying to explain that concept, because it's inevitably seen as a humblebrag, but that's not at all how I mean it. It's a real thing that happens, and we shouldn't be afraid to discuss it, even if it's a shallow topic. Shallow topics can hide within them a certain depth—a commentary on societal standards of beauty, and women's roles as objects and the effect that it can have on their inner landscape. It seems as worthwhile to me to discuss as anything else.

She told me that it's just hard not to be envious, and that people often don't react to envy well. I told her that I understand envy very well. I envy people like her, who are more flexible or have fluffier hair or actually like exercise. I envy people who have a natural aptitude for singing. I envy people who don't have to drive 18-year-old cars that make weird noises all the time. I envy people who grew up in normal families and are naturally well adjusted. Plenty of people have things that I wish terribly that I had, so I totally get it. I work hard to try to overcome it, but it does pop up from time to time.

So, yeah, we went some interesting places in that conversation. We are all beautiful, flawed creatures with unique perspectives on the world, and it's always nice when we can share those perspectives on a real human level with real talk. It's especially nice when it's with a metamour, because how cool is that? :)

Last night, Rider and I completed almost everything on our to-do list. It took a long time, and we were sweaty and exhausted by the end. But I have my room back to a normal state, which has done wonders for my morale. And Rider has not gotten bitten by any bugs in two days. And it smells soooo much nicer in here. My state of life-panic has totally subsided.

It has helped that we've had a bunch of fantastic sex recently. And that, before we started our chores last night, we were lying cuddled up in front of his TV in a Chinese food coma watching an old Twin Peaks episode on Netflix, and everything in my body was just screaming "I AM HOME!" and just filling me with the most tranquil bliss. And that we rolled up our sleeves and did the stuff that needed doing as a team. And that I have been making time for exercise. And that Kelly has been ferreting out some fun activities for us to do in Fabulous Resort Town next week. And that I actually balanced my budget and what I found wasn't terrifying for once, since I've been working so much.

Things I still need to do to make sure everything stays all right (just to remind myself): finish the book the therapist recommended, so I can call her and get her list of potentially poly-friendly therapists to call; make the calls and actually find a therapist; go back to not drinking on weekdays once next week's conference is over (will benefit wallet, waistline, and energy level); keep up with exercise regimen; find doctor who will prescribe Adderall (or similar) for attention problems.

As for the rest of the week, Rider and I both have a three-day weekend, so we'll be spending it mostly just relaxing together, which we haven't really gotten a chance to do in FOREVER. I do have some work to do on an extra project, and there are few small remaining chores to take care of, but it should mostly just be restful. He should be done with band practice tonight around 11, and our weekend will begin! I am beyond excited about it!
 
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It's been over a week since my last post! So much stuff has happened! This might be a long post...

To pick up where I left off last time, Thursday night the week before last, Rider came over to my place after band practice and pretty much straight passed out. It was OK because I didn't mind having a relaxing night of Pinteresting beside him while he slept. But then in the morning it turned out that he'd gotten bitten by the mites again. This meant WAR! I couldn't stand the thought of my house being anything but a safe, comfortable haven for him, especially after all the work I'd put in earlier in the week. He went home to feed the bunnies, and I went on the warpath.

I spent the first six hours of my first day of the three-day weekend sanitizing every corner of my room. I washed all my bedding (including pillows and canopy netting) and my curtains with a special enzyme treatment. I moved my bed away from the wall and cleaned under it really well and just threw away most of the stuff that was under it. What I kept, I sealed into Ziploc bags. I wrapped the box spring in plastic. I wiped down every inch of the frame of my bed, my desk, and my nightstand with rubbing alcohol, and then spray-bottled the soft stuff like my desk chair. I sprayed every surface of the floor and the wall near the bed with insecticide. And after I'd let that sink in for a few hours, I mopped the floor and the walls with bleach. Then I put the whole room back together again. It was hard fucking work. Afterward, all I wanted to do was shower and drink frozen rum drinks, which is exactly what I did.

Rider took me to breakfast and then he and I went to the grocery store and got soooo much fruit and stuff to make tacos. We bought a big bag of ice and some rum. And then we laid around on the couch watching things and cuddling and drinking fruity drinks for the rest of the day/night. We tried to play music but had consumed too much rum, so we just ate tacos and napped and sexed and slept.

That Saturday, we had the laziest and best Fourth I've ever had. I made breakfast sandwiches and we worked out and I did Rider's makeup and we just chilled out. It was wonderful. Then Sunday, I put Rider in chastity and we had a party to attend. It was a "dress crazy" party, so I dressed '60s mod and he wore basically a tutu. Super cute. After the party, I accomplished something that he didn't think was possible, which was making him have an orgasm WHILE in the chastity device. It was great fun, and it totally blew his mind. Then I had to pack for my business trip and go to sleep.

Early last Monday morning, I boarded a plane for Fabulous Resort Town. I had a VERY long day of nonstop traveling and working, waking up at 5:15 a.m. and not getting done with my work for nearly twenty hours. Just as I finished with my work, Kelly arrived at the hotel. We had a cocktail and then went to bed. I was so exhausted.

Tuesday, I woke for the second day in a row of four hours of sleep, and I worked a ten-hour day. Kelly and I grabbed a nap before hitting the town. We boozed and did typical tourist things like a museum and rides. It was a lot of fun, and we didn't get to bed until quite late.

Wednesday, the third day of only four hours of sleep, Kelly came and kept my company the first half of the day while I worked. She felt super hung over. I was OK, but just tired. Chatting with her helped pass the time. We napped again after I got done with work, and then we wandered around looking at more stuff. At the end of the night, we surprised Rider with a sexy videochat, fueled by bourbon. I think we made his brain explode. Over the course of the videochat, we discussed having another threesome when she comes to town for Rider's birthday show next weekend.

This actually proved to be a problem the next morning, when I woke up and thought about it sober. Sam is actually going to be in town that weekend too, and originally Rider and I had said that Sam was going to sleep on my futon, Rider and I were going to sleep in my bed, Kelly's roommate Evan would stay in Rider's bed, and Kelly would stay on Rider's futon. So basically, if Kelly had a threesome with us, Sam would be left out and also right in the next room. To my sober mind, that sounded terribly rude to him, and I just hadn't considered it the previous night while drunk on bourbon and sexy videochat.

I brought the matter up to Rider and Kelly in a group IM while I worked. It turned out, actually, that Rider had never informed Kelly of the original plan, so she'd been assuming that she'd spend that Sunday night with us from the get-go. When I referred to the original plan, and to reverting to it because of the issue of rudeness to Sam, Kelly's feelings got hurt. Definitely everyone shares part of the blame for that: Rider for not informing Kelly of the original plan in the first place, Kelly for making assumptions about group sleeping arrangements when that has not usually been the case, and me for not taking Sam into account during the sexy videochat. Kelly said she hadn't necessarily been expecting sex, but she had been expecting to sleep in the same bed with us.

I thought about it for a while and decided that as long as we were just sleeping and not making sex noises to bother Sam, that was probably OK. Sam prefers to sleep alone, so he wouldn't feel left out of just sleep, I don't think. (Group sex doesn't seem to be his scene, either, but it still doesn't seem very nice for everyone to be getting some except him, especially since last time I was with him in that way, he'd been sighing about how long it'd been since the last time.) This "cuddle-pile" arrangement seemed to placate Kelly, since it's what she was originally expecting. I still feel weird about her assumption thing, though, and will probably start an advice thread on what I should say to her, since I have agreed to tell her whenever I have a weird feeling about something she has said or done.

The remainder of the day went fine, though. Kelly and I adventured around a bit more, checking out some famous landmarks, drinking boozy slushies, and dress shopping. She ended up getting the same dress as I got, but in a different color/pattern. She said she never buys florals but was feeling adventurous. We went back to the hotel to pick up her bag and have one more cocktail before she got in a cab to go back to the airport. She was talking to me about how she really likes Rider but feels compelled to keep a buffer zone between them because she knows it's temporary. I was curious about what else she had to say on the matter, but it was time for her to go.


(continued...)
 
(...continued from previous)

The next day, Friday, I packed up my work stuff and flew back home. It was Rider's birthday eve. I didn't get in until 1:00 a.m. on his actual birthday, and we were both pretty tired. I gave him his birthday presents (lingerie for guys and stuff to try out rope bondage and cutting, as well as stuff to embellish a new collar for him). We ended up talking and cuddling and having sex until about 4:15 a.m. It was AMAZING sex. I had three orgasms (my record ever is four) and each of them was the mind-melting kind.

Saturday, his actual birthday, I took him out for breakfast, then margaritas, then pedicures. He'd never had a pedicure before, and he loves feet (both worshiping other people's and having his own rubbed and touched), so I thought he'd probably like it. He loved it! He got his toenails painted a pretty blue. Then we stopped for a beer at the brewpub before heading home for dinner. I made him his favorite meal and a blackberry pie (his request instead of cake). Then we played music until he was too tired to continue. We managed to muster up enough energy to have more great sex, then passed out hard.

Yesterday, he had band practice with one of the bands he participates in that will be playing his birthday show (happening next weekend, the weekend after his actual birthday). The main members are this couple that he's been friends with for over ten years, and they currently have a baby on the way. I really like them, and it was fun to hang out over there with them. They offered to throw Rider a birthday party the day after the show, since he will have a bunch of friends in town. I will have to miss that for my sister's baby shower, since I have to travel back to Hometown for an overnight.

When we got back to Rider's from that practice, we practiced some of the stuff that we need to work on. I practiced singing the song I am supposed to contribute, and it is getting easier to do. It's still really hard though! I'll need to practice it a bunch more before Friday. We ran through a bunch of the covers that I play bass on, and then it was my turn to be out of sorts, energy-wise. I was feeling really bummed that I am going to have to miss most of the party weekend. I was also still mulling over the Kelly/assumptions thing and kind of worrying about how that was going to play out, not just for this coming Sunday, but also for the road trip we have planned for the fall that includes a stop in her town. I had to take a break from the music and we went and lay down and cuddled for a while, talking.

I felt a lot better after we talked. Funny how just cuddling and talking about stuff makes me feel better, even if nothing is really changed or resolved. We fooled around a bit and then ate dinner and went back to my place to try out some of the fun stuff I'd bought Rider for his birthday.

He put on some of the lingerie and I took pictures. Then we tried out the cutting stuff, which I hadn't done since I was a teenager and Rider had never done. I was determined to do it right this time, with disinfecting everything and actual scalpels instead of razorblades and x-acto knives. I worried a bit that the scalpel would make it too easy to cut too deep, but it was actually difficult to cut too deep. It was all really hot and Rider liked it a lot. After that, I tried out some rope tutorials I'd found online, then gave Rider a long massage after the sex was over. All in all, it was a really good night.

Today, it's back to the grind of the normal work week. I slept in, still making up for the sleep deficit from last week, no doubt. I have so much to get done this week, for work, for my sister's baby shower, for the birthday show, and preparing for visitors next weekend. Rider is still having the bug problem at his place, though my place appears to be clear now. I told him I would "scorch the earth" at his place like I did at mine. I guess we're doing that Wednesday. It took over six hours for me to do just my room, so doing his one-bedroom apartment is going to be an ordeal. I am kind of daunted by the amount of stuff to do. In a way, I wish it were already just next week, with all of this social stuff behind me. But I'm sure I'll end up having fun.

I think I'm going to trot over to the Relationship Corner to post about the assumption thing and get some advice on what I should say to Kelly. I did tell her that I would tell her if/when something came up, so I feel like I should. It's a matter of what to say and how to word it. She's become a friend, so I don't want to make her feel bad or to be a jerk to her, but I know that communication is important.
 
Last night, Rider and I had a lot of fun. We ended up in the Hustler store shopping for a piece of lingerie for me to wear on Friday, since my Frederick's order is taking fooorrrrreeeevvvveeer to process. It was a total impulse trip, and I ended up buying a pretty black corset-y thing. Rider also had me try on a white one and started talking about how he'll wear white lingerie for me on our wedding night. :) Super happy!

We mostly just sat around after that sipping drinks (yes, we were being bad and continuing to drink on weeknights) and chatting. We had a good long talk about lots of things. Then we did an extended version of our eye-gazing meditation (four minutes instead of three) and had hot, fun strap-on sex.

I love that guy so much. I really do cherish every moment with him. None of it ever gets old. We're at almost the 1.5-year mark (next month!) and while the not-getting-anything-else-done obsession of NRE has faded, I'm still thrilled and excited to see him every day when he gets home from work, and I still get turned on just by looking at him, and we still stare longingly at each other from across the room. Our sex just keeps getting better and more adventurous. We just keep getting to know each other better and better, and we accept everything about each other. We create more and more inside jokes that keep us laughing while we are together. It's amazing and I am so thankful that I was lucky enough to meet someone who I am so compatible with. :)

In other news, I forgot to mention that Rider had a date with Allie last Thursday, which went well. They stayed out too late at a party to end up having sex, but he says they got to make out some, which is cool. I really like Allie so much. She is as sweet as they come, and I miss hanging out with her. I'll be seeing her at the birthday show on Friday and can't wait to put kisses on her.

Also, I impulse-bought a Kegelmaster today on Amazon. Rider likes it when I squeeze him, and supposedly this thing can make it so you can eventually squeeze really hard. I want to see if I can get strong enough that he can feel me squeeze through the silicone chastity device (because sometimes I put it inside of me when he is in it for extra torture). I probably should NOT have splurged on that (I put it on credit), but hey, a little gift to myself once in a while is not a bad thing, and it's something I almost never do. I almost always am very practical about things and do not over-shop for clothes/shoes/etc. Plus, it's supposed to be good for the health to have good PC muscles, so there's that!

I am almost finished with the therapist-recommended books. I will probably finish the second one on the plane to or from Hometown. And then I can call her and get the list of poly-friendly therapists she has managed to dig up. If she even found any. I really hope so because even though the book is helping in general, and talking to people here is beneficial when I have particular poly-related problems, I'm sure there are things that are on the codependency list that a professional can help me with better than I can sort out on my own from a book.

I want to make sure that I am in the best mental/emotional place possible with all of the big changes coming down the pike: formal engagement, moving in with Rider, moving with Rider to Opposite Coast, a change in my work-life in that I will be working on site instead of at home. Literally everything in my life is going to change pretty much all at once; even my family is changing, in that two of my siblings are expecting babies in the next month. Everything will be different six months from now. Exciting and a little scary.

Oh, one sad thing did happen. Rider found out that his mom's boyfriend of 13 years broke up with her OVER EMAIL. Like...I usually hate it when people say this, but I can't even. She is the sweetest lady and totally pretty and smart and I can't think of a single negative thing to say about her. I only spent two days with her, but I already love her. She has to be just crushed. It made me wonder if announcing our engagement next month will even be a good idea, if love lost is looming so large in her life right now. (I did not mean for that sentence to be so alliterative, but I guess I'll leave it as-is.) I wish I could just give her a hug. I told Rider that if he wants, we could take a trip up to see her to cheer her up. Maybe instead of our scheduled trip to see Sam next month. I'm sure he'd understand. BY EMAIL. AFTER 13 YEARS. I just...no. What a dick. >:[
 
My short stint at band practice last night went well. The drummer said I should get an award for how much I have improved. I have been practicing, so it's good to know it paid off. I actually was feeling a little spark off of him, and I dropped the open relationship thing into a convo in passing, very casually. Just so he knows that I am available to make out, should an appropriate situation present itself. He's not someone I would normally think twice about physically, but he has a very charming personality and is quite talented.

Kelly has been talking about a flirtation she is having with a high school friend she's reconnected with who lives locally to her. I am hopeful for her, because I know she struggles with loneliness and poor self-image, and if she has a local source of affection and compliments, that might improve her life.

I spent a long time talking to Oona last night, which was good and fun. Her relationship with Toby is still going very well and continuing to get more serious. She continues to think it a bad idea that I am talking marriage with Rider, even though she loves him and loves us together. She said to me, "Do you really want to make a lifelong commitment to someone without having spent a significant stint of time alone in your adult life. Not that I think you should get rid of Rider, but..." Which puzzles me, because that is going to continue to be the state of things going forward unless I DO get rid of him, and that's not going to happen. I understand that she'd like to see me spend time being single, but circumstances have led me to where I am now, and I happen to like where I am now. I don't think I need to take single time just because "that's what people do."

I figure that I'll probably unfortunately get time alone at the end of my life, considering that men usually die younger than women, he's got five years on me, and tall people have shorter life expectancy. I mean, I HOPE that won't be the case, but statistics suggest it. I want to savor every moment that I do have with him, since life is short and unpredictable. I don't want to depend on the who-knows-what that years from now hold. I want to be with him now and build a beautiful life with him.

I am not without flaws and issues, but I can continue to work on those while engaged or married just as easily as I could if I were single. Marriage does not have to equal stagnation. I think she places too much importance on singleness because of what it has meant to her in her own life. She has always felt that she's done a great deal of growing while single. I have also done a great deal of growing, despite being partnered. We each walk our own paths. I certainly consider myself more well-adjusted than a lot of people I've known who have spent lots of time single, so it's obviously no magic bullet.
 
Reverie said:
...Also, I impulse-bought a Kegelmaster today on Amazon. Rider likes it when I squeeze him, and supposedly this thing can make it so you can eventually squeeze really hard. I want to see if I can get strong enough that he can feel me squeeze through the silicone chastity device (because sometimes I put it inside of me when he is in it for extra torture)...Plus, it's supposed to be good for the health to have good PC muscles, so there's that![
Click to expand...

Ohh! Let us know what you think. I read this to Dude and he read the reviews on Amazon and now he wants to buy me one. (He got all hot and bothered, actually :p)
 
JaneQSmythe said:
Ohh! Let us know what you think. I read this to Dude and he read the reviews on Amazon and now he wants to buy me one. (He got all hot and bothered, actually :p)
Click to expand...

Will do! I'm curious to see how long it will take to start working. It gets here on Friday. :)
 
Ha! I love everyone's piqued interest in the Kegelmaster! I hope that it goes well for us!

Unrelatedly, there have been some musings going on over on this thread which may or may not continue. I tend to reply and engage as long as people are still replying to me. My decision on the OP has been made—I'm not really going to bring it up after all. I'll just make sure things are clearer in advance next time.

Tomorrow is the day when everyone arrives for the birthday weekend. Kelly and roommate Evan will be getting here around 2 p.m., and Rider and I have plans to stay up late tonight having sexualympics, so we will probably be just getting our day started by then. Sam and other friends will not be showing up until around dinnertime. I somehow neglected to buy a new dress for the show even though I am performing (seriously, WTF, I have been so busy...), so I am repeat-wearing my dress from last year. The cake-frosting smear came off of the silk with just rubbing alcohol, by some act of magical intuition on my part.

This afternoon, I booked the hostel room for my planned proposal trip, which will be at our halfiversary at the end of next month. We are going to the same beach resort town that we went to for our anniversary...except THIS TIME it can't be interrupted by Claire accidentally stumbling over the forum and throwing me into a panic. God, what a debacle that was. Crazy to think it was almost six months ago now. It seems impossibly more and less time ago than that, depending on how I think about it. I am beginning to formulate the thing that I am writing to say to him when I propose. I don't think I am going to try to memorize it, because I think I'll be too nervous. It'll be a tightly gripped sheet of paper thing, I'm sure. I mean, I already know what he's going to say, but the act of making it official and reading to him how I feel—my heart races.

I also found out via Facebook's "On This Day" feature that it has been six years since I took in a stray kitten that has since become my most beloved animal companion. I cried when I read that because I am a sentimental wimp.
 
I am hung over from the show last night—I made it through performing in front of a large crowd—so I am too lazy to re-type this and am just going to copy-paste the message I sent to Oona a little while ago summing up the argument Rider and I had recently:

OK, so night before last, Rider and I had a great evening, with plans to do all kinds of sexy things at the end of the night. We played music and were in really high spirits, and then we went back to my house to have sex and sleep. As we were pulling into the parking lot, he suddenly says to me, "I think what I'm going to do on Saturday is put Evan on your futon and Sam in your bed, then Kelly and I can have my place to myself.

Now, backstory is that Evan is a 6'9" aspie-ass motherfucker who comes across as weird in the best circumstances. My roommate, Anna, is high strung as shit and has an irrational fear of strange men due to having been raped more than once. She's like 5'-nothing. And I'd already had to sweet talk her about letting Sam stay on the futon, reassuring her that he's the sweetest, quietest guy and no threat to her.

So we're getting out of the car, and I say to Rider, "No. I am not going to do that to Anna last-minute." And he pushes back! "I'll talk to her," he says. "No! I am uncomfortable even asking her, because I hate being put in that position myself, where you want to say no but then don't want to look like a jerk. I already agreed to a certain plan with her, and we're sticking to the plan.
And then he gets all huffy with me and starts acting like an asshole!

And I stick to my guns. As far as I'm concerned, I'm doing him a fucking favor using my place as extra crash space for his party in the first place, but I refuse to spring an extension of circumstances on my roommate. Just no. So he gets in the shower, and I'm putting laundry away, and I'm getting madder and madder.

I'm mad that he didn't want to take my no as an answer when clearly this is a situation where I have the power. I'm mad that he's being a huffy jerk about shit. I'm mad that he wouldn't just drop it and therefore has officially spoiled the mood for sex.

When he gets out of the shower, I tell him, "I'm really upset with you right now." And I explain it. And he says that he's upset too. And that makes me even madder because I feel like I'm clearly in the right and he should see what a jerk he's being.

And so we really get into it. And it comes out that he thinks that I am purposely trying to cockblock him. And I explain in excruciating detail the Anna situation and how I try to tread carefully with her because she's volatile as shit, and he acts like this is news to him and like I didn't even mention that before we left the car, which I totally did.

And I beat my head against the wall trying to get him to understand that refusing to "widen the way" is not the same thing as narrowing it or placing an obstacle in his path. He is already getting MORE privacy than he would be gettng if I and my apartment did not exist. I am already doing him a favor. So to refuse to make my life shittier by disrupting my roommate and deviating from the original plan is not cockblocking—it's just giving him WHAT HAD ORIGINALLY BEEN AGREED UPON, nothing more, nothing less.

And he was just NOT understanding that. He was seeing his "great idea" as "the new default" and feeling like my not agreeing to it was taking something away from him, rather than just maintaining the status quo. It was the most maddening thing ever.

And he started in on me, asking if it was because I was jealous or whatever, And FINALLY I make him understand the Anna situation, and he's like, "Oh, I do remember that about her (the man paranoia thing). That actually does make sense." And I'm like. "Duhhhhhh. Do you really think I'm just being a jerk?"

It's important to add that *I* am the one who suggested to him that he put Evan in the bedroom (which the bathroom is off of) so that THEY would cross through Evan's space rather than him crossing through theirs. AND I also suggested that they get a motel if that wasn't private enough for them. If I'd been cockblocking, I imagine that I would have been silently hoping that he wouldn't think of those things, or reveling in schadenfreude at the idea of their being interrupted by needing-to-pee Evan. So he was still being a dick AFTER I'd suggested those things to him.

And then he throws out the mention of "the only other good option would be if you'd just let us use your room." And no. Just fucking no. I may be not trying to cockblock, but I am NOT a fucking saint.

He knows I sometimes struggle with jealousy—indeed, he was thinking it was playing a bigger part in that very argument than it actually was—and he thinks that it is a good idea to suggest fucking another girl IN MY BED while I am not there? I could not say HELLS TO THE NO fast enough.

And he's all like "in a perfect world, if emotions weren't involved" and I'm like, "the world isn't perfect, I'm not perfect, and you're totally being a dick for a) suggesting that and b) making me feel like I am falling short of some sort of robot-feelingless ideal for not being able to give that to you.

I am territorial as shit about my bed, and I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO BE because it is MY FUCKING BED. Is nothing fucking sacred?

So that whole tangent made things go from bad to worse. I felt like he was being manipulative, which is not usually his style AT ALL, and then THAT DID MAKE ME JEALOUS because it felt like he was willing to disregard my feelings and also common decency to get what he wanted, which was total privacy with her.

And he starts talking about how it's not even about what he wants, he just doesn't want her to be disappointed, and that makes it worse because then it seems to me like a clear-cut case of him prioritizing her feelings while clearly not giving a shit about mine, if he's willing to a) bring up something that he later ADMITTEDLY knew wasn't going to fly (the my bed thing), b) go to the mat with me and be an asshole when he usually isn't, and c) also completely sacrifice the sex that he and I were supposed to be having right then by picking a fight when we were mere minutes from bed.

So we went at it for a while, and finally he realized that I was being logical about the Anna thing, and that he was being a dick. He apologized. It took a long time of hammering away at it to make him see, though. I had to point out to him that I've ALREADY been in that sacrifice situation too many fucking times, and that he SAID if I ever found myself in a place where I just needed to say no, then he'd respect that. But he TOTALLY DIDN'T!

He totally made me defend my boundaries and position, trying every tack he could think of, up to and including trying to invoke my guilt and to present FUCKING HER IN MY BED as a contrasting option to make the one he was presenting look less bad. I was as mad about that as I was about the rest of it.

In the end, we resolved everything, although I'm still not 100% certain that I made him understand that refusing to extend a favor is NOT the same as doing things to throw obstacles in his path. Obstacles are if I were to take away something he already had, not to not be able to give him more, ugh.

What I came out of it with was telling him that in the future, I need him to a) be willing to trust me when it's something that I logically have more information about—like my own fucking living situation, for example, and b) if I say no to something that is fully within my realm to grant or deny, he needs to respect that without pushing back at me.

What is with these motherfuckers and their getting indignant at being denied favors? How a favor works is that, sure, you can ask, but the person you are asking is well within their rights to say no! Between him and Kelly, it's like they don't fucking realize that, and it drives me completely batty.

I refuse to be taken advantage of or to be cowed into doing something that I don't believe to be optimal. And in this situation, it wasn't even about me. But even if it HAD been about me, I am still allowed to say no.

So that is that story.

The funniest part of it is that last night, when Kelly and I were switching into evening wear, I mentioned the whole thing to her, and she was like, "Hell no, I wouldn't spring Evan on anyone like that. And having met your roommate and knowing Evan, that is just a bad idea."

So it's clearly a "boys are dumb" situation. How do we make them be smarter?!?
Click to expand...

Aside from that, it was a really good couple of days. Rider paid me ample attention and acted normal even after Kelly arrived. My performance went pretty well; I forgot only one line due to nervousness, and people told me I was good. I saw so many friends at the show. Pablo was there and I kissed him some. He and Rider and I actually did a tri-smoochie, which is always hot. At the end of the night, Rider got a little sick from too much booze, but then he started to feel better. He and Sam and I all ended up in the bed together, and I had sex with Sam for a while as Rider slept, and then Rider woke up and Sam moved to the futon and I had sex with Rider. Rider was awake and watching me and Sam for a while and said he really liked it.

It sucks for Sam that he pretty much can't seem to get off with condoms. For a while, he and I were fluid bonded, but Rider and I changed our policy when we became fluid bonded ourselves and also realized that Sam drinks a lot and who really knows what he gets up to and with whom at the end of a bar night, especially given that condoms are difficult for him and he'd throw them away if he had the chance. It's not that I don't trust him, really. More like I don't trust alcohol and the way it diminishes memory and inhibitions. I am hoping that Monday I will get some midday sober sex with Sam and see if that changes anything.
 
I'm typing this from my mom's couch, where I am sleeping tonight. I have to get up in just over 7 hours to prepare for my sister's baby shower, so I must make this quick, but I wanted to update.

Things are going pretty well. I don't feel too lizardy even knowing that Rider will sleep with Kelly tonight while I must sleep alone. It does feel a little odd that Kelly gets to be Rider's date for the last birthday parties (tonight and tomorrow night) that he gets to have before we move, when I know that all of those friends are used to me being in that position, but I am not worked up about it like I might have been a month ago, so that's progress. Mostly I am just tired. I didn't get enough sleep last night and was hung over for most of the day. I think I may have still been half-drunk when I wrote that message to Oona that I copy-pasted in my last post. So much cursing, haha!

Tonight was the party at our friends' place. Rider fired up a video chat for all of his out-of-town friends, myself currently included, so that we could participate in the party. It was fun, and I got to virtually meet three of his old friends whom I'd heard a lot about. They were being super nice to me and making approving comments to Rider about how awesome I seem. :) I also got to talk to Reina, one of my favorite long-distance ladies whom I almost never get to see, and her husband. She is just so pretty. People were on the chat from five different states!

It was fun talking to the other long-distance people as well as to the people actually attending the party. Of course I saw all of the friends who had taken our apartments over (Sam, Evan, and Kelly), and the friends whose house it was, but Allie also attended, and I haven't talked to her in way too long. I was wondering how things were shaking out over there with both Allie and Kelly being there. I think that in my absence, both Allie and Kelly are used to having Rider to themselves. I'm curious as to how he divided his time. I know some time was definitely spent on the chat with us as well.

Holy crap, I just checked my texts, and Allie sent me a sexy pic! :D That's a first. She says she missed me a lot. Now I'm all riled up, haha.

Anyway, time for sleep. Hopefully the shower tomorrow flies by. I'll be back in Rider's arms in 21 hours, as he winds down the party at his place. I can't wait to cuddle him so much.
 
My return from Hometown was interesting. I was picked up in Sam's van by Evan (driving), Sam (riding shotgun), and Rider and Kelly (in the back). They were all drunk, including Evan, and I voiced my discomfort to be riding in a vehicle under these circumstances. This caused Evan and I to have a minor spat, which we made up about shortly after arriving home. For real, though, I would have just taken a cab had I known that was how it was going to be.

I was also made a bit uncomfortable at how proprietary Kelly was being of Rider with her body language. I get that they'd just been together all weekend, and so maybe they'd settled into a pattern of being very close, but she had her arm basically wrapped all the way around his thigh, kind of pulling him closer to her side of the seat bench than the side I was on. It just felt weird to me. Maybe I was being overly sensitive or something. Either way, I let it go and did not let it bother me too much. It was a little thing.

When we got back to Rider's place, we took a walk around the block to have ten minutes alone away from the hubbub of the party. I'd been around multiple other humans for so many hours straight that walking with him holding hands with no one else around felt like a balm to my soul. We weren't gone long, and we rejoined the party.

Different configurations of people kept flowing between the rooms. For a while, Kelly had isolated herself in the bedroom and was texting with the local-to-her guy she's interested in. Then for a while Rider and I cuddled and chatted in the bedroom. After that happened, Rider said he thought Kelly might feel left out, so then I grabbed her and chatted with her in the bedroom while the boys got loud and rowdy in the other room.

Apparently Rider's wrestling party had gone well. A bunch of people had been there, including Pablo, but they were gone by the time I got there. It was just down to the five of us who were crashing.

At one point, Sam asked Rider for a flogger and started idly hitting himself with it. Which turned into Sam being chained to a bar hanging from the ceiling while Kelly and I took turns hitting him. Then Rider wanted a turn at being chained, so we hit him instead. Evan filmed some of it, and the video turned out pretty cute, with Sam and I standing all cuddled together in the background while Kelly flogged Rider. Evan gave me some tips on how to do it better, because I'd never done it before.

Rider has a giant collection of floggers, but he had previously said when I inquired about them that they were all left over from an ex and they weren't really "his thing." So I was surprised when the next day he said he felt all floaty and happy from having been flogged. He said he could maybe get into it if we have some fun experiences. He also said that wasn't the first time that Sam had started flogging himself and caused an impromptu SM party to break out. Which was interesting information.

We all ended up staying up too late and passing out around 6 a.m., which is crazy for a work night. After the whole "who will sleep where" debacle, it didn't even end up mattering at the end. No one ended up going back to my place at all—Rider, Kelly, and I just passed out in Rider's bed, Sam was on a spare futon mattress on Rider's living room floor, and Evan was on Rider's actual futon. Evan and Kelly woke up super early to leave. Rider had to get up at like 10 a.m. for work. And I'd previously asked my boss for a half day, while Sam had taken the day off, so we slept until 2 p.m.

When I woke up, I crawled into bed with him, and we had some fun together. I finally managed to give him an orgasm orally, in the absence of booze and other people. The thing that sucks is that we may be turning out to be kind of sexually incompatible, in that not only is it really tough for him to come with a condom on, and he's not really into kissing with tongue, but the oral technique that seems to work best for him is one I am not very capable of—lots of deep throating. Usually I use my hand to compensate for having a delicate gag reflex, and almost every guy ever has said that it's amazing. Sam specifically requested less hand action, though, and got off pretty easily when I was basically choking myself. I don't know if I could be convinced to do that very frequently. This once, sure, because I definitely owed him one. It was hot how aroused he was, though. And I really, really still enjoy being close to him. I suppose I'm fine still hooking up with him every once in a while even if our sexual styles don't mesh super well.

We got up and went and grabbed some diner breakfast and then ran some errands (searching for tiny screwdrivers so he could attempt some phone repair), and then I went back to Rider's to do some work while Sam went thrifting for a while. Once I was online, I'd seen that Kelly had sent me and Rider a message the previous night that said, "You guys do not have to worry about me, I can sleep wherever." Which happened I guess during the time period that Rider and I had been cuddling in the bedroom. I could not tell if it was genuinely intended to be taken at face value, or if she had been "taking her ball and going home." So I asked her about it and she said she didn't remember. All the flogging stuff had happened after that point, so I guess things turned out OK, but it seemed really weird to me that she'd send that message when neither of us would be looking at phones.

Rider left work a bit early and came home so we could go out and get burritos before Sam left. We got some good hugs in and then he hit the road. Rider and I were really tired after that, and we just sat around chatting for a while before bed. It was a good chat. I let him know that I'd told my mom about our impending engagement because I wanted to tell her in person and I am not going to be seeing her again until probably next spring at the earliest. Opposite Coast is a lot farther and more expensive of a plane ride. Rider was happy that I'd told her, though we are probably not going to tell other people until next month when it's "official" with jewelry and everything. So far the only people who know are us, our BFFs (Sam and Oona), and now my mom.

There was a wrench thrown into the gears of our evening when we went back to my house and I discovered that my cat had taken to peeing on my bed while I was gone. It was super shitty. Luckily, the mattress was covered in plastic due to the mite debacle. Unluckily, the cat had done enough scratching that there were some holes in it so some still got through. We had to return to Rider's to sleep, and I guess my project for tonight is cleaning my mattress thoroughly and going to the laundromat with a big bottle of enzyme cleaner. Sigh.

Once back at Rider's, though, we did have some good reconnection sex and then the best cuddles in the universe. When I spoon him, it feels like all is right with the world. We were asleep before 1:00, and I slept till nearly noon. I am still very tired. I wonder if maybe I am fighting something, or if the exhaustion from the busy weekend is still lingering. Definitely going to take it pretty easy over the next week or so to achieve total recovery. The fact that I don't have to go anywhere for weeks and get to spend every night with Rider sounds like heaven.
 
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The bad:

I was busy until after midnight last night cleaning up the cat pee disaster. While I was at the laundromat dealing with my bedding, a man was struck by a car and killed right out front of the laundromat. I did not see it happen, but I did hear it (all the windows and doors in the place were open), and I saw the aftermath. Heavy stuff. By the time I got done with everything, it was too late and we were too exhausted to do kinky stuff, which we had been looking forward to. I woke still feeling exhausted and have been procrastinating like crazy today (hello, like right now!), which always makes me feel on the verge of panicking. Still have not seen doctor to get meds prescription to help with this attention issue. The issue with my Frederick's order still has not been resolved.

The good:

Rider came to keep me company at the laundromat, since it was getting late. We had good, super-connected sex, even if it was not as kinky as planned. My shower last night, washing off all the sweat (it's been SO HOT!) and the stress and the cat-pee traces was among the most welcome showers I've ever taken. I had the last slice of leftover blackberry pie for breakfast, proving that, for me "when it's pie, eat it" trumps "when in doubt, throw it out"...and it still tasted fine. I've been having sexy banter with Rider all day over IM. I still have two full weekends ahead of not having to leave town, and eight weeks before I have to spend a night apart from Rider.

I suppose it all balances out.
 
OK, one more in the good column—the exchange I just had with Rider out of nowhere...

Rider: I love you so fucking much <3

Me: I love you too! Where did that come from?

Rider: I just had a crazy flash-forward of our life together and sudden flood of emotion about it. Was thinking about all of the possible storylines that could play out but how I'm so sure about this one. <3

Me: Awwww. That makes me feel amazingly happy. I'm sure, too.

Rider: Sometimes I need to just let you know what I'm feeling. You make me so happy.

Me: I love it when you let me know. You can always let me know. <3
 
Reverie said:
Rider: I love you so fucking much <3

Me: I love you too! Where did that come from?

Rider: I just had a crazy flash-forward of our life together and sudden flood of emotion about it. Was thinking about all of the possible storylines that could play out but how I'm so sure about this one. <3

Me: Awwww. That makes me feel amazingly happy. I'm sure, too.

Rider: Sometimes I need to just let you know what I'm feeling. You make me so happy.

Me: I love it when you let me know. You can always let me know. <3
Click to expand...

^^That is beautiful.
 
Love: sacredness, symbolism, ritual, etc. (a personal essay open for discussion)

So, I am finding that, over time, poly has definitely been bumping up against the edges of my pre-existing notions about the...I don't even entirely know how to put it..."sacred" side of love. Let me try to explain.

I am not what you'd generally call a spiritual person. I am an atheist and a humanist, and I place my faith mostly in science. I dabbled in Paganism as a teenager and very young adult, but while I still have a healthy reverence for nature and a guilty-pleasured fascination with phenomena that we can not yet understand, I don't ascribe much spiritual significance to most of it or think that it can be attributed to any kind of god(s).

But I've always kind of felt like if I do have a "religion," my religion is Love. I've always felt like love—feeling love, giving love, receiving love—was the thing that I revered most. "Hopeless romantic" kind of doesn't even begin to cover it. And I've always fallen in love easily and felt like my love was something that was hard for monogamy to contain, which is how I discovered the concept of poly to begin with: repeatedly falling in love with someone new when I had an existing partner, and feeling cornered by the notion that my first relationship had to end for the other to begin.

The thing about love as religion, though, is that like any religion, it has a set of ideas that come along with it. These ideas have been inscribed in the book of my mind in a seemingly waterproof ink—ideas about what is sacred, what has symbolism, what rituals to conduct. Much like I find the trappings of religion beautiful (cathedrals, incense, candles, stained glass, well-handled old books) despite not believing in the dogma behind it, I have a special reverence for these love-related ideas of mine.

Over time, with enough interval between them to keep me from going mad, but close enough together that it generally prevents total relaxation, I keep running into things that I feel territorial or possessive of because of the symbolism of them to me. A bed as the sacred centerpiece of my home—the place where my love is most cultivated. The first time someone does an activity that we've discovered a shared interest in—I want it to be with me so I can observe peak mind-blowing magic, watching that transformative moment from innocent to initiate. My lover's body as a blank canvas that I get either to place a mark on—like taking that delicious first step into an unsullied field of snow—or to just behold in its natural, unmarked beauty. The ritual of having a set of Things We Do that others don't do in quite the same way—a culture of Us.

Those things have to me a beauty and a magic to them, even if it is irrational—even if the whole idea of magic is irrational (because it is). They tie people and other things (places, events, songs, etc.) together in my mind, creating value for me in my getting to sigh with pleasant remembrance when I encounter them. They weave a spell of enchantment over me, making me feel special and like the hero of my own grand love story.

And it feels to me like everyone should get to be the hero of their own grand love story, me included, but in poly, when there are any number of partners, all wanting and deserving to be their own hero, it logically follows that there must be sacrifices. It's hard for me to handle sometimes, these sacrifices. I feel like they keep bumping up against my ideas of romantic sacredness and symbolism and clashing so hard that it causes me pain. To avoid feeling the pain over and over again, I have to either rid myself of the sacrifices (and therefore probably poly) or rid myself of the ideas. I am discovering that I can't have it both ways.

Seeing as how I know that I am not cut out for monogamy, and seeing as how I am deeply in love with another person who is also poly and not interested in monogamy, it would seem that, of the two, the ideas have to be the things to go because they are the things causing pain and difficulty in my current life structure. Logically, they need to be rooted out at the source and vanquished.

But on the other side of that is fear. Without the sacredness, without the symbolism, without the ritual...what is left of the "magic" of love? Is it love as a sterile lab table instead of an opulent canopy bed? If these things cease to matter to me, what else gets taken away? Only bad things, or good things too? Will my emotions lose depth? Gain it? It seems so strange to think about not caring about things that currently carry such gravity for me—to think about just letting go of them. Will I feel empty and indifferent? Will I fill back up again with something else? And the biggest question: is it even possible?

...there may be a sequel...
...feel free to kindly discuss...
 
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I am not what you'd generally call a spiritual person. I am an atheist and a humanist, and I place my faith mostly in science. I dabbled in Paganism as a teenager and very young adult, but while I still have a healthy reverence for nature and a guilty-pleasured fascination with phenomena that we can not yet understand, I don't ascribe much spiritual significance to most of it or think that it can be attributed to any kind of god(s).
Click to expand...

This is totally me.

In reading the rest of this I totally understand and think that is why im only interested In being a primary to my partners and why I'm comfortable having a polysexual partner but not a polyamorous one.
 
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