The Best Life Yet
- Thread starter Reverie
- Start date
Reverie
Active member
It has been such an...interesting...past two days. Beckett sent me that selfie right before I went to go pick Rider up from the train station Friday (hence my last post being so short) so we could go see Toby's band play.
Beckett sent the picture because I had asked him if he likes psychedelic rock, and he said yes. And then I asked him if he'd like me to make him a YouTube playlist of some of my current favorites, and he said, "you're making me a mixtape?" and then sent the photo. He was getting ready for a fetish party.
I was so immediately flooded with NRE. Like, I had kind of forgotten how intense it can feel sometimes. I felt goofy and high for nearly an hour. Rider thought it was funny. But the whole thing almost unnerved me. I felt really conflicted about having such strong visceral reactions just to a photo of someone, when my libido has been kind of underwhelming lately IRL.
I felt almost guilty that Rider doesn't provoke that response in me anymore, that NRE instant chemical high. Even though I know it's neither of our fault—that it's just biology. My love for him is deeper than ever. It's just not new anymore. Thinking about this stuff got the gears turning in my head, but it was time to go do stuff, so I kept it in the background.
Rider and I got (amazingly delicious) tacos at a new place. That place is definitely going to be a new favorite. Then we met up at Oona and Toby's place before the show for pre-gaming.
I had promised Oona I would drink with her, but I'd decided before arriving that I was going to keep it super light. I got ciders and that new apple-flavored sparkling water and mixed them so that the ciders were half-strong. I had two cups of it, so one whole cider, before we left, while the others were taking shots. I also ate a tiny piece of an edible. I'm such a lightweight that out of a chocolate bar with six squares, I need only 1/3 of a square.
It was a strange group of people at Oona's and then in our Lyft to the bar. One of Oona's old friends that I have never liked, Jackie, was there. There aren't a lot of people I truly just dislike through and through, but this chick is definitely one of them. We used to be actual enemies, over a decade ago, but she likes me and sucks up to me now, and I am friendly to her because it's become clear to me that she'll always be in Oona's life, and therefore also always in mine.
Tina was also there without Mel, and Tina, while sweet at heart, is super hard for me to handle a lot of the time. She talks a mile a minute without letting anyone get a word in edgewise, and it's always about her. She brags about money, possessions, and her accomplishments, she name-drops celebrities, and she can go on and on in a way that my introverted self needs to detach and hide from after a while. I can see how much she loves Mel, who is one of my oldest friends, and I guess that is why I am so determined to try to see the good in her even if I can take her only in small doses.
And then it was Oona, Rider, me, and Chrissie, who is another old friend of Oona's and mine. Chrissie is a total sweetheart—the kind of person anyone can never find very much bad to say about. I first met her when she was still in high school, right after I moved here for college, and a few years later, she ended up dating one of our best friends for five years, which is when we became close. She lives on the other side of town, so we don't see much of her, but she's awesome.
We got to the venue and I was feeling a little blah at first. Everyone's shots had kicked in but my chocolate hadn't yet. I was tired. It was loud and dark inside the bar, and kind of crowded so that every time I tried to stand and talk to Oona and friends, I felt like I was in the way of the cocktail server. Eventually I just leaned against the wall, half-heartedly watching the opening band.
When that band was over, I found Rider, and we sat at the bar chatting. He said something funny, and I laughed way too long, suddenly realizing that the chocolate had kicked in. Toby's band finished setting up, and Rider moved to the front to video them. I sat in a booth with the girls. The music was incredible. Metal usually isn't my go-to thing, but I can enjoy it in the right circumstances (having been a bit of a metalhead in late elementary and early middle school). Toby's band blew my mind—the technical proficiency and the beautiful melodies, the complexity of the songs, etc.
The really cool thing, though, was that sitting there with the chocolate affecting me, just taking the music all the way in, I started to have all of these really interesting effects.
Firstly, I felt almost like I was in yoga or pilates: I suddenly became super aware of my posture and of finding the right balance in my body as I sat there. I've been having a ton of neck problems lately, which have been lasting longer than they usually do, and I felt like I could almost mentally reach into my body and relax parts that I hadn't realized I was tensing. It occurred to me that I am accustomed to using alcohol to help me relax, and that maybe some of my neck trouble was caused by taking away that crutch. I need to find something to replace it—maybe like 15 minutes of yoga in the evening or something. The chocolate is not a feasible solution, not least because it lasts for six hours and I don't want to be out of it all evening.
Secondly, my mind returned to the thoughts about Beckett and NRE and my libido that I'd backgrounded earlier. I started probing around in my mind, considering my sexuality and the things that I already know about it, namely that the only things that really get my motor running super easily RELIABLY are novelty, group situations where I can watch my partner with someone else, and two kinds of erotica that I read that are about topics that are...shall we say...unrealistic.
The novelty and group stuff is a big part of why I work so hard to make poly work. The erotica has always been a bit of a frustration for me because it annoys me that the stuff that turns me on is unrealistic, and it is hard to bring into partnered sex. On the one hand, I guess it is nice to have something that I know works when I am by myself, but on the other hand, it's lame that it has to be something difficult.
And the most frustrating thing is that the very nature of my day-to-day sex life is that none of this stuff is present anymore. Rider is not a new partner anymore. We're not close enough to anyone out here yet to do any group stuff. And the erotica is "me stuff" not "us stuff." Sex is good, even great, when we have it—when the ball is rolling already I get into it super hard—but that true fire in the loins? I haven't felt it for a little while now. Until Beckett sent me that picture.
I also don't have much of a libido unless it is tied to particular people. Like, on my own, I almost never think about sex or get horny. I can make it happen with erotica or porn, purposefully, but naturally I only get horny in reference to particular people. It doesn't have to be someone I know, even—I wanted Beckett the instant I lay eyes on him that first night—but my libido does have to have an object in order to remember that it exists, and it is best stoked by being close to or having memories of or looking at pictures of that object. I've talked about this to enough people I know that I realize I'm kind of a weirdo in that. Most people I know—male and female—have some kind of free-standing sex drive. I'm not sure why I don't.
I also was thinking about why the strength of my NRE surge for Beckett bothered me so much. Why the fear? Why the guilt? And I realized that what I am really feeling is very complex. The guilt comes from...well, first there is a place of mourning and sadness that even though my NRE with Rider was the strongest thing I've ever felt, it is totally gone. It was something that caused me to bond to him deeply and helped me to realize how close to perfect for me he is—and he still is!—but I grew to associate that long-standing exhilaration with him instead of associating it with "me being attracted to someone new to me." So it being "taken" from him and "assigned" to someone else feels...sad. And then because it also feels good, the chemically induced high, feeling good in the middle of that mourning and sadness feels like guilt.
And the fear—the fear comes from something similar but opposite. The fear comes from feeling the strength of the thing and imagining "what if Rider feels something that strong for someone else?" And it makes no sense, not really, because I know that it's actually not taking anything away from my feelings for Rider. It's just that I'm so used to him being the biggest and most intense thing in my life for so long, and then to have a little spike of something more intense is scary even though I know that I am far more compatible with Rider than with Beckett. Rider and I are compatible on almost every level—easy and effortless with each other since literally day one. Being around Beckett has always been a bit of work. I never felt sure-footed traversing that landscape.
So I took those thoughts and feelings, and I considered what to do with them. First of all, obviously, I'd need to talk to Rider because it seemed dishonest to be having these thoughts and harboring these realizations and keeping them to myself. I always feel better when I share with him.
Second of all, maybe I could use them to my advantage. Having had a sharp reminder of what NRE feels like and how exciting it is, and having thought in detail about how much I still love Rider despite it, and how compatible we still are, I thought maybe I could redirect some of it.
(continued...)
Beckett sent the picture because I had asked him if he likes psychedelic rock, and he said yes. And then I asked him if he'd like me to make him a YouTube playlist of some of my current favorites, and he said, "you're making me a mixtape?" and then sent the photo. He was getting ready for a fetish party.
I was so immediately flooded with NRE. Like, I had kind of forgotten how intense it can feel sometimes. I felt goofy and high for nearly an hour. Rider thought it was funny. But the whole thing almost unnerved me. I felt really conflicted about having such strong visceral reactions just to a photo of someone, when my libido has been kind of underwhelming lately IRL.
I felt almost guilty that Rider doesn't provoke that response in me anymore, that NRE instant chemical high. Even though I know it's neither of our fault—that it's just biology. My love for him is deeper than ever. It's just not new anymore. Thinking about this stuff got the gears turning in my head, but it was time to go do stuff, so I kept it in the background.
Rider and I got (amazingly delicious) tacos at a new place. That place is definitely going to be a new favorite. Then we met up at Oona and Toby's place before the show for pre-gaming.
I had promised Oona I would drink with her, but I'd decided before arriving that I was going to keep it super light. I got ciders and that new apple-flavored sparkling water and mixed them so that the ciders were half-strong. I had two cups of it, so one whole cider, before we left, while the others were taking shots. I also ate a tiny piece of an edible. I'm such a lightweight that out of a chocolate bar with six squares, I need only 1/3 of a square.
It was a strange group of people at Oona's and then in our Lyft to the bar. One of Oona's old friends that I have never liked, Jackie, was there. There aren't a lot of people I truly just dislike through and through, but this chick is definitely one of them. We used to be actual enemies, over a decade ago, but she likes me and sucks up to me now, and I am friendly to her because it's become clear to me that she'll always be in Oona's life, and therefore also always in mine.
Tina was also there without Mel, and Tina, while sweet at heart, is super hard for me to handle a lot of the time. She talks a mile a minute without letting anyone get a word in edgewise, and it's always about her. She brags about money, possessions, and her accomplishments, she name-drops celebrities, and she can go on and on in a way that my introverted self needs to detach and hide from after a while. I can see how much she loves Mel, who is one of my oldest friends, and I guess that is why I am so determined to try to see the good in her even if I can take her only in small doses.
And then it was Oona, Rider, me, and Chrissie, who is another old friend of Oona's and mine. Chrissie is a total sweetheart—the kind of person anyone can never find very much bad to say about. I first met her when she was still in high school, right after I moved here for college, and a few years later, she ended up dating one of our best friends for five years, which is when we became close. She lives on the other side of town, so we don't see much of her, but she's awesome.
We got to the venue and I was feeling a little blah at first. Everyone's shots had kicked in but my chocolate hadn't yet. I was tired. It was loud and dark inside the bar, and kind of crowded so that every time I tried to stand and talk to Oona and friends, I felt like I was in the way of the cocktail server. Eventually I just leaned against the wall, half-heartedly watching the opening band.
When that band was over, I found Rider, and we sat at the bar chatting. He said something funny, and I laughed way too long, suddenly realizing that the chocolate had kicked in. Toby's band finished setting up, and Rider moved to the front to video them. I sat in a booth with the girls. The music was incredible. Metal usually isn't my go-to thing, but I can enjoy it in the right circumstances (having been a bit of a metalhead in late elementary and early middle school). Toby's band blew my mind—the technical proficiency and the beautiful melodies, the complexity of the songs, etc.
The really cool thing, though, was that sitting there with the chocolate affecting me, just taking the music all the way in, I started to have all of these really interesting effects.
Firstly, I felt almost like I was in yoga or pilates: I suddenly became super aware of my posture and of finding the right balance in my body as I sat there. I've been having a ton of neck problems lately, which have been lasting longer than they usually do, and I felt like I could almost mentally reach into my body and relax parts that I hadn't realized I was tensing. It occurred to me that I am accustomed to using alcohol to help me relax, and that maybe some of my neck trouble was caused by taking away that crutch. I need to find something to replace it—maybe like 15 minutes of yoga in the evening or something. The chocolate is not a feasible solution, not least because it lasts for six hours and I don't want to be out of it all evening.
Secondly, my mind returned to the thoughts about Beckett and NRE and my libido that I'd backgrounded earlier. I started probing around in my mind, considering my sexuality and the things that I already know about it, namely that the only things that really get my motor running super easily RELIABLY are novelty, group situations where I can watch my partner with someone else, and two kinds of erotica that I read that are about topics that are...shall we say...unrealistic.
The novelty and group stuff is a big part of why I work so hard to make poly work. The erotica has always been a bit of a frustration for me because it annoys me that the stuff that turns me on is unrealistic, and it is hard to bring into partnered sex. On the one hand, I guess it is nice to have something that I know works when I am by myself, but on the other hand, it's lame that it has to be something difficult.
And the most frustrating thing is that the very nature of my day-to-day sex life is that none of this stuff is present anymore. Rider is not a new partner anymore. We're not close enough to anyone out here yet to do any group stuff. And the erotica is "me stuff" not "us stuff." Sex is good, even great, when we have it—when the ball is rolling already I get into it super hard—but that true fire in the loins? I haven't felt it for a little while now. Until Beckett sent me that picture.
I also don't have much of a libido unless it is tied to particular people. Like, on my own, I almost never think about sex or get horny. I can make it happen with erotica or porn, purposefully, but naturally I only get horny in reference to particular people. It doesn't have to be someone I know, even—I wanted Beckett the instant I lay eyes on him that first night—but my libido does have to have an object in order to remember that it exists, and it is best stoked by being close to or having memories of or looking at pictures of that object. I've talked about this to enough people I know that I realize I'm kind of a weirdo in that. Most people I know—male and female—have some kind of free-standing sex drive. I'm not sure why I don't.
I also was thinking about why the strength of my NRE surge for Beckett bothered me so much. Why the fear? Why the guilt? And I realized that what I am really feeling is very complex. The guilt comes from...well, first there is a place of mourning and sadness that even though my NRE with Rider was the strongest thing I've ever felt, it is totally gone. It was something that caused me to bond to him deeply and helped me to realize how close to perfect for me he is—and he still is!—but I grew to associate that long-standing exhilaration with him instead of associating it with "me being attracted to someone new to me." So it being "taken" from him and "assigned" to someone else feels...sad. And then because it also feels good, the chemically induced high, feeling good in the middle of that mourning and sadness feels like guilt.
And the fear—the fear comes from something similar but opposite. The fear comes from feeling the strength of the thing and imagining "what if Rider feels something that strong for someone else?" And it makes no sense, not really, because I know that it's actually not taking anything away from my feelings for Rider. It's just that I'm so used to him being the biggest and most intense thing in my life for so long, and then to have a little spike of something more intense is scary even though I know that I am far more compatible with Rider than with Beckett. Rider and I are compatible on almost every level—easy and effortless with each other since literally day one. Being around Beckett has always been a bit of work. I never felt sure-footed traversing that landscape.
So I took those thoughts and feelings, and I considered what to do with them. First of all, obviously, I'd need to talk to Rider because it seemed dishonest to be having these thoughts and harboring these realizations and keeping them to myself. I always feel better when I share with him.
Second of all, maybe I could use them to my advantage. Having had a sharp reminder of what NRE feels like and how exciting it is, and having thought in detail about how much I still love Rider despite it, and how compatible we still are, I thought maybe I could redirect some of it.
(continued...)
Last edited:
Reverie
Active member
(...continued from previous)
So when the band was over, I went and found Rider, and I looked at him. And I remembered the thrill I would get looking at each part of him, each part that I now know so well. He smiled at me, a little goofily, drunkenly, and I melted. It wasn't NRE, but it was the memory of what it had been like, overlaid on the beautiful thing we have since created. He's still the exact same person I was so obsessed with three years ago—even improved with age!—only now we love each other so deeply and have a future planned together. It's what past-self could only have dreamed of. I was swept with the deepest sense of happiness and satisfaction and gratitude. It swept everything else away, and for the rest of the night, I didn't think about Beckett or about fear or about guilt again. I was completely present with Rider, loving him to pieces.
Eventually I realized it would be my relatively lucid self's job to herd the cats that my drunken friends had become so we could make it back to Oona's. It was a job and a half—every time I'd get three of them clustered and go off to find the other two, when I'd get back, the original three had dispersed again. I finally got everyone into a Lyft, and that's where the hell began.
Tina had ended up in the shotgun seat and was torturing the poor driver with very loudly doing her bragging and discussing overly sexual TMI things. Jackie was a complete mess and kept making a sound that reminded me of the sound toddlers make that I call the "pterodactyl shriek." She was loudly, sloppily slurring things that made no sense, to no one in particular. Oona was talking Chrissie's ear off, also loudly, to be heard over the other two. Chrissie, quiet, nodded, occasionally saying, "mm-hm."
Rider and I clung to each other in the back seat, miserable, whispering about layers of hell and how much we were going to tip the driver. At one point I listened carefully and realized that three loud, drunk women were all talking at the top of their lungs about themselves—three self-centered conversations competing for volume in one small space. I decided we were going home as soon as the last of the chocolate wore off so that I could drive.
We got back to Oona's and it was more of the same. I kept escaping from one conversation with a sloppy drunk person only to get sucked into a different one across the room. It struck me that, normally, I'd probably be right there with them, and it dawned on me that the reason you never notice other people are super drunk when you're super drunk is that mostly you're actually paying attention only to yourself. None of my drunk friends could see past the sphere that ended at their own noses.
At one point, I helped Jackie with something she was struggling to do, and she said how "together I seemed even when I'm drunk," and I realized that she didn't even have any idea that I'd only had one drink all night, five hours earlier.
I skulked around slowly gathering the stuff we'd brought so that we could make a speedy escape, and the moment I felt like the last of the chocolate was gone (seriously—six hours!) I piled Rider into the car and we split.
On the way home, Rider expressed disbelief that Oona could be friends with a person like Jackie. He said that it actually decreased his opinion of Oona. I told him not to worry—that he'll never have to hang out with her again. Oona is only still friends with her because she feels like she is all Jackie really has keeping her going. That's not enough reason for me to stay friends with someone, but Oona has such a soft spot for misfits and troubled people.
In the morning, over coffee, we talked about a great many things. I told him everything I'd thought about last night while the metal blasted in my face and the chocolate coursed through my brain. A couple of times while I was talking, I felt tears start to prick up behind my eyes, but they never made it as far as even watering.
He told me that he's actually perfectly fine if I want to ramp myself up with erotica to stoke my fires before we get into bed—the important thing to him is that I'm turned on, not how I get there. I was a bit surprised by that, but pleased. He said that we can try fantasizing out loud about some of the group stuff, which I am usually pretty shy about (especially when sober), but he said that shyness can be combatted with practice. And if I have trouble with it when sober, we can start with trying it on the days that I do drink, then ramping the amount of alcohol down till I feel comfy with it when sober. All of that seemed perfectly logical and made sense.
We also talked about some of the D/s stuff we do. He asked me if I'd like it if he topped me sometimes, because he does switch well. I truly didn't know. I generally like to do stuff to him rather than to be acted upon, but I also don't like to do the deciding. I like when I know what to do and then I can just do it. I joked about putting activities in a randomizer app that picks for me and just following fate. It was the first time that I was able to realize and verbalize that when it comes to sex, I guess I prefer to be in control physically, but to not be in control intellectually.
I hadn't realized that the two could be broken out like that, and that they could conflict with each other! Rider said of course they could. He said he's spent a looooong time thinking about different sexual dynamics all his life. I really haven't, so this was new intellectual territory for me.
When I talked about the NRE aspect and my fear, he said that of course he feels fear like that too. When he sees me all intoxicated with NRE for someone else, it is scary. But he doesn't let it mess with him too much. He knows how much I love him and he knows what we have is so much bigger than that—and how cool is it that since we're poly, we get to feel these big, exciting feelings that we'd just have to live without forevermore if we were mono. Our commitment to making poly work out while still staying together means that we get to have the stable, committed, long-term partnership AND it doesn't have to be the thing standing between us and accessing our own full range of experience.
Knowing that he feels fear too—I would have guessed it would have made me feel worse, stoked the guilt, but instead it made me feel better, in the way of "what you are going through, I am going through too." Camaraderie and connection.
Talking with him just made me feel so good. Like, I had already started to feel better just by rearranging the inside of my brain and thinking about things and crystallizing them, but then sharing them and feeling heard and understood made me feel...almost invincible. Like over and over again, we can identify and process these little issues, and over and over again, we come out stronger and closer. As long as we each work on ourselves, then come to each other with total honesty and work on things together, nothing can stop us from being happy.
Our plans for the weekend got shuffled a bit after I discovered that the talking cat movie had gone out of the theater where I wanted to see it, and Carrie and Joel could no longer come hiking with us. Instead, we decided to attend a poly talk that afternoon and push the hike of till today.
About to head out for brunch and the hike now, so I'll have to write about the poly talk and all the other fun we had yesterday later.
So when the band was over, I went and found Rider, and I looked at him. And I remembered the thrill I would get looking at each part of him, each part that I now know so well. He smiled at me, a little goofily, drunkenly, and I melted. It wasn't NRE, but it was the memory of what it had been like, overlaid on the beautiful thing we have since created. He's still the exact same person I was so obsessed with three years ago—even improved with age!—only now we love each other so deeply and have a future planned together. It's what past-self could only have dreamed of. I was swept with the deepest sense of happiness and satisfaction and gratitude. It swept everything else away, and for the rest of the night, I didn't think about Beckett or about fear or about guilt again. I was completely present with Rider, loving him to pieces.
Eventually I realized it would be my relatively lucid self's job to herd the cats that my drunken friends had become so we could make it back to Oona's. It was a job and a half—every time I'd get three of them clustered and go off to find the other two, when I'd get back, the original three had dispersed again. I finally got everyone into a Lyft, and that's where the hell began.
Tina had ended up in the shotgun seat and was torturing the poor driver with very loudly doing her bragging and discussing overly sexual TMI things. Jackie was a complete mess and kept making a sound that reminded me of the sound toddlers make that I call the "pterodactyl shriek." She was loudly, sloppily slurring things that made no sense, to no one in particular. Oona was talking Chrissie's ear off, also loudly, to be heard over the other two. Chrissie, quiet, nodded, occasionally saying, "mm-hm."
Rider and I clung to each other in the back seat, miserable, whispering about layers of hell and how much we were going to tip the driver. At one point I listened carefully and realized that three loud, drunk women were all talking at the top of their lungs about themselves—three self-centered conversations competing for volume in one small space. I decided we were going home as soon as the last of the chocolate wore off so that I could drive.
We got back to Oona's and it was more of the same. I kept escaping from one conversation with a sloppy drunk person only to get sucked into a different one across the room. It struck me that, normally, I'd probably be right there with them, and it dawned on me that the reason you never notice other people are super drunk when you're super drunk is that mostly you're actually paying attention only to yourself. None of my drunk friends could see past the sphere that ended at their own noses.
At one point, I helped Jackie with something she was struggling to do, and she said how "together I seemed even when I'm drunk," and I realized that she didn't even have any idea that I'd only had one drink all night, five hours earlier.
I skulked around slowly gathering the stuff we'd brought so that we could make a speedy escape, and the moment I felt like the last of the chocolate was gone (seriously—six hours!) I piled Rider into the car and we split.
On the way home, Rider expressed disbelief that Oona could be friends with a person like Jackie. He said that it actually decreased his opinion of Oona. I told him not to worry—that he'll never have to hang out with her again. Oona is only still friends with her because she feels like she is all Jackie really has keeping her going. That's not enough reason for me to stay friends with someone, but Oona has such a soft spot for misfits and troubled people.
In the morning, over coffee, we talked about a great many things. I told him everything I'd thought about last night while the metal blasted in my face and the chocolate coursed through my brain. A couple of times while I was talking, I felt tears start to prick up behind my eyes, but they never made it as far as even watering.
He told me that he's actually perfectly fine if I want to ramp myself up with erotica to stoke my fires before we get into bed—the important thing to him is that I'm turned on, not how I get there. I was a bit surprised by that, but pleased. He said that we can try fantasizing out loud about some of the group stuff, which I am usually pretty shy about (especially when sober), but he said that shyness can be combatted with practice. And if I have trouble with it when sober, we can start with trying it on the days that I do drink, then ramping the amount of alcohol down till I feel comfy with it when sober. All of that seemed perfectly logical and made sense.
We also talked about some of the D/s stuff we do. He asked me if I'd like it if he topped me sometimes, because he does switch well. I truly didn't know. I generally like to do stuff to him rather than to be acted upon, but I also don't like to do the deciding. I like when I know what to do and then I can just do it. I joked about putting activities in a randomizer app that picks for me and just following fate. It was the first time that I was able to realize and verbalize that when it comes to sex, I guess I prefer to be in control physically, but to not be in control intellectually.
I hadn't realized that the two could be broken out like that, and that they could conflict with each other! Rider said of course they could. He said he's spent a looooong time thinking about different sexual dynamics all his life. I really haven't, so this was new intellectual territory for me.
When I talked about the NRE aspect and my fear, he said that of course he feels fear like that too. When he sees me all intoxicated with NRE for someone else, it is scary. But he doesn't let it mess with him too much. He knows how much I love him and he knows what we have is so much bigger than that—and how cool is it that since we're poly, we get to feel these big, exciting feelings that we'd just have to live without forevermore if we were mono. Our commitment to making poly work out while still staying together means that we get to have the stable, committed, long-term partnership AND it doesn't have to be the thing standing between us and accessing our own full range of experience.
Knowing that he feels fear too—I would have guessed it would have made me feel worse, stoked the guilt, but instead it made me feel better, in the way of "what you are going through, I am going through too." Camaraderie and connection.
Talking with him just made me feel so good. Like, I had already started to feel better just by rearranging the inside of my brain and thinking about things and crystallizing them, but then sharing them and feeling heard and understood made me feel...almost invincible. Like over and over again, we can identify and process these little issues, and over and over again, we come out stronger and closer. As long as we each work on ourselves, then come to each other with total honesty and work on things together, nothing can stop us from being happy.
Our plans for the weekend got shuffled a bit after I discovered that the talking cat movie had gone out of the theater where I wanted to see it, and Carrie and Joel could no longer come hiking with us. Instead, we decided to attend a poly talk that afternoon and push the hike of till today.
About to head out for brunch and the hike now, so I'll have to write about the poly talk and all the other fun we had yesterday later.
Reverie
Active member
So one thing I forgot about Friday night that was super weird was this: some asshat stole two plants right out of the ground in my garden! I have two little areas in "my" section of the apartment yard—right under my kitchen window and right outside my door—where I planted stuff: rosemary and green onions under the window, and mint, catnip, jalapeño, and more green onions outside my door. Someone nabbed the green onions out front and the lion's share of the mint.
At first I thought maybe a gardener had come by and rooted out the mint because it spreads so much, but that couldn't be it because they left a few strands of it, and surely if they were there to get rid of it, they'd have been more thorough. And it wouldn't explain the green onions. So that's annoying!
Anyway, back to where l left off: Saturday after our conversation.
We had a late breakfast, then headed out to go see a poly talk. It was OK. I was rather hoping to meet some poly people there, but it was not very well attended, and the talk went over so we had to skedaddle out of there before we got a parking ticket due to an expired meter.
The speakers were at least sometimes humorous, but there was one guy who everything he said rubbed me the wrong way. The way he talked, I felt really sorry for his wife at home—he was there presenting with his girlfriend and he just seemed to ooze finding her more important and being willing to hurt his wife and dismantle their life together in favor of this other woman, and under the guise of "poly." He just seemed so cavalier and unapologetic about it. I dunno—it's not my business, really, but I got a bad vibe off that guy. I mentioned it to Rider later and he said he'd felt there was something "slimy" about him too. :shrug:
We discussed what else we might want to do that night, and we decided to go on a long walk around the neighborhood and to the dog park to watch people's dogs. But we wanted to eat some edibles first. So we ate some chocolate, then had leftover curry for dinner while watching really cheesy TV, and then when the episode was over, we got up and headed out. The sun was setting when we got to the park, but there was still enough light to watch the dogs for a while. I don't know whether or not it's creepy to go to dog parks just to stare at other people's dogs, but we totally do it.
We had a grand time. We petted dogs and shot photographs in the crazy dusklight and streetlight. We created a bunch of new inside jokes and just giggled so hard. I realized that we have so much our own language that sometimes it must be really weird for passersby who might eavesdrop on us—inside jokes and fake accents and code words and thoughts spoken in unison. Again that feeling of "this is my best friend in the whole world." We walked all the way to the edge of the neighborhood and then to the drugstore to load up on snacks. Then we plopped down in front of the TV, cuddling and gobbling ice cream.
We'd set a time limit for ourselves: two episodes and then time to play music. We played a bunch of the covers we always used to practice when I was just learning the bass. Rider commented on how much better I've gotten now that I play with the band.
Then we went to bed and had some great sex. It was like just talking to him earlier in the day had broken down some walls that had been building as I'd started to feel weird about my libido and stuff. I wanted him. It wasn't lightning, but it was still hot.
Sunday, we slept in. I typed my last post. We were out of breakfast food, so we went to a diner on the way to hiking. The hike was pretty cool, though I must say it wasn't my favorite that I've been on around here. I like the ones where it's all nature and tranquility. This one had too much litter and spraypaint. It disgusts me that people spoil the beauty of nature for their own vanity, graffitiing their names all over everything and leaving paint cans and beer cans all over the place. I hope they all eventually get caught and punished.
When we got home, I was working on my playlists for Rider and Beckett, and Rider posted photos up from our hike. I had a reaction that I almost never have: instant disgust and depression at seeing myself on camera. I know it was mostly the hormones, but it was terrible. It ruined my mood for the rest of the night. I just looked so...tired...despite getting plenty of sleep and not drinking. I looked so...stout and flabby...despite riding 10 miles per day on a bike, taking pilates, and doing two four-mile walks this weekend, one a strenuous hike. I don't eat meat. I rarely gobble ice cream like I had the previous night. I live an active, pretty healthy lifestyle. But peering at me from those pictures was a weathered, pudgy slug.
I needed to shower before bed from sweating during the hike, and peeling off my clothes, I stared at myself in the mirror. I saw a great many things I did not like seeing. My mood dipped further. I got into the shower and cried, then dried off and slunk under the covers before Rider could have a chance to see me naked. When he asked me what was wrong, and I told him, I sounded so pathetic and mewling to my own ears. I know he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful no matter what. And maybe that should make me feel better, but it never does.
I don't care about what I look like for other people; I care about it for me. I have my own standards and, somehow, even though I feel like I'm doing just about all I can to get it right, I am still letting myself down.
A lot of it probably is hormones. I get hella bloated sometimes right before and during the early days of my period. It's not even the size of me that bothers me so much as it is the shape. I don't get curves. I get less curvy. I get keg-like and waistless with weird, ripply, flappy thighs and upper arms. Like a starfish: fattest in the middle and tapering to weirdly pointy lower limbs. I only look proportionate when I'm skinny all over. Ugh.
I told Rider that I wish I didn't even have a body—I wish I was just a brain inside a robotic machine. Except for I would miss cuddles and feeling the softness of cats. But it would be so nice to know that I was an efficient, well-constructed machine, rather than this itching, inflexible, ever-expanding lump of newly rippled flesh.
But I do feel slightly less overwhelmed by it today. I'm doing what I can, and trying to think of ways to do better.
Today was OK overall. I finished the playlists and sent them off. Rider was gushingly grateful for his. Beckett was...understated. When I texted him letting him know I'd emailed him the link, he replied with merely, "Noted." All right then.
Oona was trying to convince me to do something expensive this weekend, and I hate that I can never just say yes to the extravagant things she suggests. She makes so much more money than I do. I guess it is still nice to be asked.
I had to work two hours late. It was getting dark by the time I biked home, and my back flasher light decided to stop working. The cat ran out while I walked through the door, and she picked up fleas again so I had to put meds on her.
But Rider surprised me with red roses and made me tacos so I could relax. I managed to get mostly caught up at work. We went grocery shopping and I got a ton of veggies. I did a meditation podcast when I got home to try to relax that way instead of booze to see if I can reverse the tension problems in my neck. It worked pretty well. And now Rider is playing guitar while I do this and sip sparkling water. I am so lucky to have a Rider. He brightens my life. <3
At first I thought maybe a gardener had come by and rooted out the mint because it spreads so much, but that couldn't be it because they left a few strands of it, and surely if they were there to get rid of it, they'd have been more thorough. And it wouldn't explain the green onions. So that's annoying!
Anyway, back to where l left off: Saturday after our conversation.
We had a late breakfast, then headed out to go see a poly talk. It was OK. I was rather hoping to meet some poly people there, but it was not very well attended, and the talk went over so we had to skedaddle out of there before we got a parking ticket due to an expired meter.
The speakers were at least sometimes humorous, but there was one guy who everything he said rubbed me the wrong way. The way he talked, I felt really sorry for his wife at home—he was there presenting with his girlfriend and he just seemed to ooze finding her more important and being willing to hurt his wife and dismantle their life together in favor of this other woman, and under the guise of "poly." He just seemed so cavalier and unapologetic about it. I dunno—it's not my business, really, but I got a bad vibe off that guy. I mentioned it to Rider later and he said he'd felt there was something "slimy" about him too. :shrug:
We discussed what else we might want to do that night, and we decided to go on a long walk around the neighborhood and to the dog park to watch people's dogs. But we wanted to eat some edibles first. So we ate some chocolate, then had leftover curry for dinner while watching really cheesy TV, and then when the episode was over, we got up and headed out. The sun was setting when we got to the park, but there was still enough light to watch the dogs for a while. I don't know whether or not it's creepy to go to dog parks just to stare at other people's dogs, but we totally do it.
We had a grand time. We petted dogs and shot photographs in the crazy dusklight and streetlight. We created a bunch of new inside jokes and just giggled so hard. I realized that we have so much our own language that sometimes it must be really weird for passersby who might eavesdrop on us—inside jokes and fake accents and code words and thoughts spoken in unison. Again that feeling of "this is my best friend in the whole world." We walked all the way to the edge of the neighborhood and then to the drugstore to load up on snacks. Then we plopped down in front of the TV, cuddling and gobbling ice cream.
We'd set a time limit for ourselves: two episodes and then time to play music. We played a bunch of the covers we always used to practice when I was just learning the bass. Rider commented on how much better I've gotten now that I play with the band.
Then we went to bed and had some great sex. It was like just talking to him earlier in the day had broken down some walls that had been building as I'd started to feel weird about my libido and stuff. I wanted him. It wasn't lightning, but it was still hot.
Sunday, we slept in. I typed my last post. We were out of breakfast food, so we went to a diner on the way to hiking. The hike was pretty cool, though I must say it wasn't my favorite that I've been on around here. I like the ones where it's all nature and tranquility. This one had too much litter and spraypaint. It disgusts me that people spoil the beauty of nature for their own vanity, graffitiing their names all over everything and leaving paint cans and beer cans all over the place. I hope they all eventually get caught and punished.
When we got home, I was working on my playlists for Rider and Beckett, and Rider posted photos up from our hike. I had a reaction that I almost never have: instant disgust and depression at seeing myself on camera. I know it was mostly the hormones, but it was terrible. It ruined my mood for the rest of the night. I just looked so...tired...despite getting plenty of sleep and not drinking. I looked so...stout and flabby...despite riding 10 miles per day on a bike, taking pilates, and doing two four-mile walks this weekend, one a strenuous hike. I don't eat meat. I rarely gobble ice cream like I had the previous night. I live an active, pretty healthy lifestyle. But peering at me from those pictures was a weathered, pudgy slug.
I needed to shower before bed from sweating during the hike, and peeling off my clothes, I stared at myself in the mirror. I saw a great many things I did not like seeing. My mood dipped further. I got into the shower and cried, then dried off and slunk under the covers before Rider could have a chance to see me naked. When he asked me what was wrong, and I told him, I sounded so pathetic and mewling to my own ears. I know he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful no matter what. And maybe that should make me feel better, but it never does.
I don't care about what I look like for other people; I care about it for me. I have my own standards and, somehow, even though I feel like I'm doing just about all I can to get it right, I am still letting myself down.
A lot of it probably is hormones. I get hella bloated sometimes right before and during the early days of my period. It's not even the size of me that bothers me so much as it is the shape. I don't get curves. I get less curvy. I get keg-like and waistless with weird, ripply, flappy thighs and upper arms. Like a starfish: fattest in the middle and tapering to weirdly pointy lower limbs. I only look proportionate when I'm skinny all over. Ugh.
I told Rider that I wish I didn't even have a body—I wish I was just a brain inside a robotic machine. Except for I would miss cuddles and feeling the softness of cats. But it would be so nice to know that I was an efficient, well-constructed machine, rather than this itching, inflexible, ever-expanding lump of newly rippled flesh.
But I do feel slightly less overwhelmed by it today. I'm doing what I can, and trying to think of ways to do better.
Today was OK overall. I finished the playlists and sent them off. Rider was gushingly grateful for his. Beckett was...understated. When I texted him letting him know I'd emailed him the link, he replied with merely, "Noted." All right then.
Oona was trying to convince me to do something expensive this weekend, and I hate that I can never just say yes to the extravagant things she suggests. She makes so much more money than I do. I guess it is still nice to be asked.
I had to work two hours late. It was getting dark by the time I biked home, and my back flasher light decided to stop working. The cat ran out while I walked through the door, and she picked up fleas again so I had to put meds on her.
But Rider surprised me with red roses and made me tacos so I could relax. I managed to get mostly caught up at work. We went grocery shopping and I got a ton of veggies. I did a meditation podcast when I got home to try to relax that way instead of booze to see if I can reverse the tension problems in my neck. It worked pretty well. And now Rider is playing guitar while I do this and sip sparkling water. I am so lucky to have a Rider. He brightens my life. <3
I consider myself a bit of a switch... but I will say that some of the hottest scenes I've done were actually sort of... bottoming from the top, for lack of a better phrase. Mentally, my partner was in control, telling me what he wanted from me to a certain degree - or at least what would turn him on most so I didn't have to worry / think about it... physically I was in charge of things. Might be a fun game for you two, from what you've described here.
Reverie
Active member
I've been busy, just chugging along with regular life things.
Beckett told me two days ago that he was saving the playlist I made him for a road trip yesterday, but I still haven't heard anything about it. Hrmph. I know he's probably busy with his friends in the city he traveled to, so I'm not going to bug him. I'll probably drop a line after the weekend asking how his trip went. We have no claims on each other's time—this rekindling is still in the flirtation stage AND I don't really expect it to turn into anything but a few hookups—so I am just backing off for the moment.
However, I did purchase my ticket for the three-day event that includes his band's performance, because I want to go to that no matter whether I end up getting to hang out with him or not. Rider wants to go, too, to see a different band, so I'd be going regardless. And it will be nice to at least see Beckett (and Caleb too—it's been a while!) if nothing else.
I had been toying with the idea of firing OKC up, taking a page from Mags' playbook and being liberal with the block option (part of what was keeping me from reactivating my profile was dread at all the people I'd messaged with last time who didn't quite make the cut suddenly being able to see me again).
But then I looked at my schedule and realized that I am pretty darned close to being totally booked up through the beginning of November. So I guess that idea is scrapped till . . . probably till after the wedding. LOL.
I do have kind of a "maybe" still going on with the one person I met from OKC a few weeks ago. The one I was worried would be petulant but then wasn't. He posted a guyliner pic a few days ago, which always instantly increases my interest, lol, and we also have very tentative hiking plans on the books in a couple of weeks. We'll see how I'm feeling after that. I had a very mixed vibe off of him, attraction-wise, and sometimes it takes a few meetings to sort that out.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Beckett JUST texted me (out of nowhere) saying that he's at a resort with his friend and they're blasting my playlist. SQUEE CITY.
AND THEN... (it gets better) ...a few seconds later he posts on his Facebook wall about how I made him an awesome mixtape. I just about died from happiness.
I was not at all expecting to a) get an unsolicited text from him, and b) get public acknowledgement of appreciation for doing something tender/personal for him.
Usually, I am the one putting forth the effort, which I don't mind, because I don't mind "the chase" when the thing I am pursuing is worth it to me. And, usually, I feel like he's super careful when he's available about not seeming too connected on social media to any particular girl; he kind of has a horde of what I would almost call groupies, and I don't really blame him for keeping his options as open as he can keep them. While we were briefly dating before, he made it clear to me that most of those girls are pretty vapid and uninteresting to him in terms of serious dating prospects, but it makes sense that when he's single he likes the attention and sexual opportunity.
Other good things that have happened so far today: my boss bought me lunch, my other boss decided to kick in more toward my insurance so that I'm paying $25 less each month, and Kelly gave me an update of having a wonderful time so far in her new city in Europe.
So far, today is a Good Day.
Beckett told me two days ago that he was saving the playlist I made him for a road trip yesterday, but I still haven't heard anything about it. Hrmph. I know he's probably busy with his friends in the city he traveled to, so I'm not going to bug him. I'll probably drop a line after the weekend asking how his trip went. We have no claims on each other's time—this rekindling is still in the flirtation stage AND I don't really expect it to turn into anything but a few hookups—so I am just backing off for the moment.
However, I did purchase my ticket for the three-day event that includes his band's performance, because I want to go to that no matter whether I end up getting to hang out with him or not. Rider wants to go, too, to see a different band, so I'd be going regardless. And it will be nice to at least see Beckett (and Caleb too—it's been a while!) if nothing else.
I had been toying with the idea of firing OKC up, taking a page from Mags' playbook and being liberal with the block option (part of what was keeping me from reactivating my profile was dread at all the people I'd messaged with last time who didn't quite make the cut suddenly being able to see me again).
But then I looked at my schedule and realized that I am pretty darned close to being totally booked up through the beginning of November.
So I guess that idea is scrapped till . . . probably till after the wedding. LOL.I do have kind of a "maybe" still going on with the one person I met from OKC a few weeks ago. The one I was worried would be petulant but then wasn't. He posted a guyliner pic a few days ago, which always instantly increases my interest, lol, and we also have very tentative hiking plans on the books in a couple of weeks. We'll see how I'm feeling after that. I had a very mixed vibe off of him, attraction-wise, and sometimes it takes a few meetings to sort that out.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Beckett JUST texted me (out of nowhere) saying that he's at a resort with his friend and they're blasting my playlist. SQUEE CITY.
AND THEN... (it gets better) ...a few seconds later he posts on his Facebook wall about how I made him an awesome mixtape. I just about died from happiness.
I was not at all expecting to a) get an unsolicited text from him, and b) get public acknowledgement of appreciation for doing something tender/personal for him.
Usually, I am the one putting forth the effort, which I don't mind, because I don't mind "the chase" when the thing I am pursuing is worth it to me. And, usually, I feel like he's super careful when he's available about not seeming too connected on social media to any particular girl; he kind of has a horde of what I would almost call groupies, and I don't really blame him for keeping his options as open as he can keep them. While we were briefly dating before, he made it clear to me that most of those girls are pretty vapid and uninteresting to him in terms of serious dating prospects, but it makes sense that when he's single he likes the attention and sexual opportunity.
Other good things that have happened so far today: my boss bought me lunch, my other boss decided to kick in more toward my insurance so that I'm paying $25 less each month, and Kelly gave me an update of having a wonderful time so far in her new city in Europe.
So far, today is a Good Day.
Reverie
Active member
I would say that that is a lot of what we actually do! I will ask him beforehand what he's in the mood for, and then I just kind of improvise and build around it. And, yes, it is very hot!
Once in a while, I come into it with my own ideas from scratch, but it's pretty rare.
Reverie
Active member
You ever randomly see the name of your unrequited high-school crush pop up on a thread on Facebook, so you click on them, and in less than a minute, you discern that all their public posts are inflammatory ideology that is the exact opposite of your own beliefs?
Dodged a bullet there!
Dodged a bullet there!
Refusnik
Member
I've read your blog for a while but never commented however tend to geek out over trails and things like vandalism in forests. I suppose it's an occupational hazard.
Vandalism and litter are one of the few things that I don't like about my job. I feel like a bit of hypocrite because while I don't like it, it doesn't bother me in the city but I get bummed out seeing on the trails. Trash is a big issue everywhere, tagging on rocks has been fairly common but the craziest being the forest on the northern boundary of LA where even trees were routinely tagged.
The neat thing about that forest though is that it actually has a lot of volunteers that put an amazing amount of time and effort in dealing with the issue by both cleaning it up and educating people. One thing I've learned is that even though it seems common sense to me that dropping a dirty diaper by a river is a bad idea, some people really don't understand that it's not ok and if they're approached with respect, they'll actually listen, even clean up after themselves. Of course there's also a fair number of assholes in the world and spray paint is cheap so I've always been thankful for my coworkers and all the people that volunteer to clean it up. Another bonus is that I've met so many interesting people over the years on these clean up projects.
For what it's worth that forest also has hikes that have a lot of nature and tranquility. Two of my favorites would be the hike down to Cooper Canyon Falls and the hike up to the summit of Baden-Powell from Vincent Gap. Sam Merrill trail to Echo Mountain is also fairly tranquil as a night hike too.
Reverie
Active member
Reverie
Active member
The weekend was fantastic, however, I made a stupid mistake and allowed my cousin's visit to trick me into drinking when I shouldn't have, so I'm suffering pretty hard today. It's part hangover (despite pacing myself like crazy and drinking a ton of water!) and part UTI symptoms.
Friday night, Rider and I were just lazy. I played with makeup and he worked on music, and then we both worked on music for a while. We had a late-night diner meal, something we haven't done in a long time, and then had really good sexytimes.
Saturday was the start of the college football season, which Rider celebrates every year. I wanted to make him something special, so we went to the Asian grocery and picked up canned jackfruit, and I tried my hand at BBQ "pulled pork" made vegetarian style. He absolutely loved it and said he couldn't tell the difference from real meat. BBQ is not my thing, so I made it just for him.
While Rider watched football, I decided to reactivate my OKC after all, but I put a disclaimer on there that I am too busy during this season to actually meet. That way if people want to be message pals for a few months, we can do that, or if I randomly do have a free night, maybe I could make a friend.
I did an extreme version of the blocking/hiding thing and not only blocked and hid all of the people I'd heard from before who were not matches, but also pre-emptively blocked and hid all the people who were higher than 93% match than me but whose profile suggested that I wasn't going to be compatible with them anyway. I literally hid over 1,000 people just within a 25-mile radius. This city is MASSIVELY populated!
Sunday we went to an outdoor movie with Oona, Toby, and a couple of friends of Rider's from back in Florida who live here now. I'd never met them before. They were really nice! Toby got too drunk and I tried to convince Oona not to let him drive them home, but she insisted on leaving. I guess they argued later about how drunk he'd gotten.
Monday my cousin was in town. I hadn't seen her since we were kids, and it was really good catching up. She and Rider got along really well. We went bar/restaurant hopping. Rebecca joined us later in the evening. We all had a good time. Eventually my cousin headed home. I found out later that the reason Rebecca wanted to hang out is that she and her dude were fighting again.
Which brings us to today. Today has been kind of a rotten day. I'd started to feel the slight beginnings of a UTI on Sunday, but was keeping it at bay with cranberry juice and lots of water. Monday morning I felt totally better, which is why I made the unwise decision to drink. So today, my UTI came roaring back, plus I was hung over, plus it was a crazy-busy work day where nothing was going right, plus I had to drive the car to work because there were no good parking spots at home...and then after all of that, Rebecca messaged Rider and I to let us know that she can't be in the band for the foreseeable future because she and her guy split up and she's moving out of state for a while to live with her sister.
So that means that the band is probably over, and we are almost certainly not going to actually get to do our show on October 1. I feel really bad for Rebecca, too, because she is the sweetest person. Ugh, so it has been a day.
I guess tomorrow will probably be better. At the very least, I won't be hung over. I think I am sick of drinking. The fun I have isn't much worth the pain the next day.
Friday night, Rider and I were just lazy. I played with makeup and he worked on music, and then we both worked on music for a while. We had a late-night diner meal, something we haven't done in a long time, and then had really good sexytimes.
Saturday was the start of the college football season, which Rider celebrates every year. I wanted to make him something special, so we went to the Asian grocery and picked up canned jackfruit, and I tried my hand at BBQ "pulled pork" made vegetarian style. He absolutely loved it and said he couldn't tell the difference from real meat. BBQ is not my thing, so I made it just for him.
While Rider watched football, I decided to reactivate my OKC after all, but I put a disclaimer on there that I am too busy during this season to actually meet. That way if people want to be message pals for a few months, we can do that, or if I randomly do have a free night, maybe I could make a friend.
I did an extreme version of the blocking/hiding thing and not only blocked and hid all of the people I'd heard from before who were not matches, but also pre-emptively blocked and hid all the people who were higher than 93% match than me but whose profile suggested that I wasn't going to be compatible with them anyway. I literally hid over 1,000 people just within a 25-mile radius. This city is MASSIVELY populated!
Sunday we went to an outdoor movie with Oona, Toby, and a couple of friends of Rider's from back in Florida who live here now. I'd never met them before. They were really nice! Toby got too drunk and I tried to convince Oona not to let him drive them home, but she insisted on leaving. I guess they argued later about how drunk he'd gotten.
Monday my cousin was in town. I hadn't seen her since we were kids, and it was really good catching up. She and Rider got along really well. We went bar/restaurant hopping. Rebecca joined us later in the evening. We all had a good time. Eventually my cousin headed home. I found out later that the reason Rebecca wanted to hang out is that she and her dude were fighting again.
Which brings us to today. Today has been kind of a rotten day. I'd started to feel the slight beginnings of a UTI on Sunday, but was keeping it at bay with cranberry juice and lots of water. Monday morning I felt totally better, which is why I made the unwise decision to drink. So today, my UTI came roaring back, plus I was hung over, plus it was a crazy-busy work day where nothing was going right, plus I had to drive the car to work because there were no good parking spots at home...and then after all of that, Rebecca messaged Rider and I to let us know that she can't be in the band for the foreseeable future because she and her guy split up and she's moving out of state for a while to live with her sister.
So that means that the band is probably over, and we are almost certainly not going to actually get to do our show on October 1. I feel really bad for Rebecca, too, because she is the sweetest person. Ugh, so it has been a day.
I guess tomorrow will probably be better. At the very least, I won't be hung over. I think I am sick of drinking. The fun I have isn't much worth the pain the next day.
Reverie
Active member
I sure am having a crummy week. The UTI did not submit to the cranberry treatment, so on Wednesday, I took the day off of work and tried to go to the urgent care center. I didn't feel like dealing with parking in that part of town, so I called a Lyft. But then when I got there, since it was kind of late in the afternoon, I found that even though they were not closing for some time, the wait was long enough that they were not taking new people. So then I had to Lyft home. Eleven dollars down the drain, and I have had to rely solely on the cranberry and Uristat and plan to go to the 24-hour place tonight.
I've been taking Advil also, to dampen the pain, and that always fucks my stomach up, and when I do get the antibiotics, I am sure to grudgingly welcome another yeast infection. So my body is just in complete rebellion right now. HATE HATE HATE. Aaaand I wasn't able to ride my bike or do Pilates Tuesday or Wednesday because of the illness, so I am behind in my weight-loss regimen.
Then, yesterday, after flirting with Beckett for WEEKS over text, and daydreaming about all the things we'll do together when he's here, he broke it to me that he's started seeing someone exclusively again. I'd been hoping for my own selfish sake that he'd be single for at least a few months—long enough for me to have a couple of romps with him this fall. He said he still wants to flirt, and still wants to see me while he's here, but we can't go further than that. Frustrating!
I am frankly a little shocked that he jumped into exclusivity with someone that fast after his spectacularly drama-filled and public breakup with the junkie girl. It's only been like six weeks. I would like to be happy for him despite my own disappointment, but it's hard to muster that up when the timing baffles me. More and more, I question his judgment. Maybe eventually that will translate into extinguishing the ever-burning torch. In the meantime, back to our regularly scheduled flirtatious/platonic friendship.
So, to recap this lovely week: hangover, UTI, stomach problems, wasted money, impending yeast infection, missed workouts, band breakup, crushy hopes dashed, and Friday night wasted at the urgent care instead of at Cayo's band's show. Woo!
I am going to try to turn things around after I get back from the doctor tonight. Tomorrow night is Perry's birthday party, so I'll be seeing a lot of people I am beginning tentative friendships with. I also plan to take my roller skates to the beach earlier in the day and do a solo mission of getting some exercise in the sunshine. I am honestly looking forward to spending some time alone, not talking to anyone. Maybe I'll bring a book and do some beach reading as well.
I've been talking to a few people on OKC: one guy close to my age a whole lot, and two more younger guys pretty regularly. I've also been talking more sporadically to a younger woman, and to another person who is my age and identifies as a transfeminine woman, but lives "out" as a woman only part of time (and doesn't have current plans to change that). Any of that is fine by me.
Two of the guys and the transfeminine woman seem like my best prospects so far, in terms of matching up personality-wise. I will probably end up trying to meet them each in real life eventually, even if it is not immediately. They know I'm busy and that I'm going into my work-insanity season, and somehow they want to keep talking to me anyway. The two guys are both poly and seriously partnered, one married and one in a five-year relationship. The woman is single but looking for non-monogamous relationships.
I really am feeling the need to toss a little variety into my love/sex life, hence my forging forward even when busy. I had been hoping that a casual hookup or two with Beckett—someone I truly care about and know I am desperately attracted to—was going to be a band-aid on that problem, but alas! So I'm looking to OKC people to see if there's anyone on there who might tick all of my previously mentioned partner boxes.
So far, from what I can tell in conversation, all three of my best prospects are acing the 7 out of 10 things that it is possible to get an inkling of from the internet. Discovering their IRL attractiveness to me, affection level, and sexual compatibility will have to wait until later.
Things are still going really well with Rider. We're both bummed that the issues in my bits are restricting our sex life, but we've managed some workarounds. It feels like at least a month since I've been able to have carefree sex—no yeast, no bleeding, no UTI. I'm doing every simple thing I can think of to try to keep my body healthy: eating well, yogurt every day, peeing after sex, cranberry juice and pills, exercise, plenty of sleep, barely ever drinking anymore...
I am thinking of taking more drastic measures, like getting special bike shorts in case the bike rides are causing/exacerbating the problems, showering immediately after my ride home, and making sure to pee directly after every ride, as well as replacing all my underwear in case for some reason the wash isn't getting them clean enough.
Lower-bits issues (frequent yeast, recurring UTIs, the rare bout of BV, hemorrhoids since I was way younger than most people who deal with that stuff, mild psoriasis issues down there, and susceptibility to razor burn and ingrown hairs) have been a longtime problem of mine and it all seriously messes with my ability to feel like a healthily functional sexual human. I am sick of it. If there's one thing that starts getting me wishing I could just blink myself out of existence, it is that things are so rarely copacetic inside my pants.
In happier news, at least Kelly and Oona are both walking on air right now. Kelly's already found a guy to date in her new country—a poly guy who's into a lot of the stuff she's into—and Oona and Toby apparently had some huge relationship breakthrough last night. So, yay for happy friends, at least.
ETA: Bike forums did seem to believe that the riding could be the culprit for this latest one that I got despite regular preventative measures. I just ordered the special shorts, ten new pairs of cotton underwear, and some vitamin C horse pills (on forum recommendation). Also on recommendation, I am going to start peeing after every ride, sponge-bathing before my morning ride, and showering after my evening ride. I am now broke and slightly overwhelmed by the idea of a new routine, but at least I have a plan!
I've been taking Advil also, to dampen the pain, and that always fucks my stomach up, and when I do get the antibiotics, I am sure to grudgingly welcome another yeast infection. So my body is just in complete rebellion right now. HATE HATE HATE. Aaaand I wasn't able to ride my bike or do Pilates Tuesday or Wednesday because of the illness, so I am behind in my weight-loss regimen.
Then, yesterday, after flirting with Beckett for WEEKS over text, and daydreaming about all the things we'll do together when he's here, he broke it to me that he's started seeing someone exclusively again. I'd been hoping for my own selfish sake that he'd be single for at least a few months—long enough for me to have a couple of romps with him this fall. He said he still wants to flirt, and still wants to see me while he's here, but we can't go further than that. Frustrating!
I am frankly a little shocked that he jumped into exclusivity with someone that fast after his spectacularly drama-filled and public breakup with the junkie girl. It's only been like six weeks. I would like to be happy for him despite my own disappointment, but it's hard to muster that up when the timing baffles me. More and more, I question his judgment. Maybe eventually that will translate into extinguishing the ever-burning torch. In the meantime, back to our regularly scheduled flirtatious/platonic friendship.
So, to recap this lovely week: hangover, UTI, stomach problems, wasted money, impending yeast infection, missed workouts, band breakup, crushy hopes dashed, and Friday night wasted at the urgent care instead of at Cayo's band's show. Woo!
I am going to try to turn things around after I get back from the doctor tonight. Tomorrow night is Perry's birthday party, so I'll be seeing a lot of people I am beginning tentative friendships with. I also plan to take my roller skates to the beach earlier in the day and do a solo mission of getting some exercise in the sunshine. I am honestly looking forward to spending some time alone, not talking to anyone. Maybe I'll bring a book and do some beach reading as well.
I've been talking to a few people on OKC: one guy close to my age a whole lot, and two more younger guys pretty regularly. I've also been talking more sporadically to a younger woman, and to another person who is my age and identifies as a transfeminine woman, but lives "out" as a woman only part of time (and doesn't have current plans to change that). Any of that is fine by me.
Two of the guys and the transfeminine woman seem like my best prospects so far, in terms of matching up personality-wise. I will probably end up trying to meet them each in real life eventually, even if it is not immediately. They know I'm busy and that I'm going into my work-insanity season, and somehow they want to keep talking to me anyway. The two guys are both poly and seriously partnered, one married and one in a five-year relationship. The woman is single but looking for non-monogamous relationships.
I really am feeling the need to toss a little variety into my love/sex life, hence my forging forward even when busy. I had been hoping that a casual hookup or two with Beckett—someone I truly care about and know I am desperately attracted to—was going to be a band-aid on that problem, but alas! So I'm looking to OKC people to see if there's anyone on there who might tick all of my previously mentioned partner boxes.
So far, from what I can tell in conversation, all three of my best prospects are acing the 7 out of 10 things that it is possible to get an inkling of from the internet. Discovering their IRL attractiveness to me, affection level, and sexual compatibility will have to wait until later.
Things are still going really well with Rider. We're both bummed that the issues in my bits are restricting our sex life, but we've managed some workarounds. It feels like at least a month since I've been able to have carefree sex—no yeast, no bleeding, no UTI. I'm doing every simple thing I can think of to try to keep my body healthy: eating well, yogurt every day, peeing after sex, cranberry juice and pills, exercise, plenty of sleep, barely ever drinking anymore...
I am thinking of taking more drastic measures, like getting special bike shorts in case the bike rides are causing/exacerbating the problems, showering immediately after my ride home, and making sure to pee directly after every ride, as well as replacing all my underwear in case for some reason the wash isn't getting them clean enough.
Lower-bits issues (frequent yeast, recurring UTIs, the rare bout of BV, hemorrhoids since I was way younger than most people who deal with that stuff, mild psoriasis issues down there, and susceptibility to razor burn and ingrown hairs) have been a longtime problem of mine and it all seriously messes with my ability to feel like a healthily functional sexual human. I am sick of it. If there's one thing that starts getting me wishing I could just blink myself out of existence, it is that things are so rarely copacetic inside my pants.
In happier news, at least Kelly and Oona are both walking on air right now. Kelly's already found a guy to date in her new country—a poly guy who's into a lot of the stuff she's into—and Oona and Toby apparently had some huge relationship breakthrough last night. So, yay for happy friends, at least.
ETA: Bike forums did seem to believe that the riding could be the culprit for this latest one that I got despite regular preventative measures. I just ordered the special shorts, ten new pairs of cotton underwear, and some vitamin C horse pills (on forum recommendation). Also on recommendation, I am going to start peeing after every ride, sponge-bathing before my morning ride, and showering after my evening ride. I am now broke and slightly overwhelmed by the idea of a new routine, but at least I have a plan!
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YouAreHere
Well-known member
If those shorts are the padded variety, pick up some Body Glide and lubricate the hell out of your lady bits (especially around where those seams will hit)!
Just sayin'... I teach a spin class at work, and those damned pants cause the worst chafing EVER.
Don't want one problem to recede while another blooms.
Reverie
Active member
If those shorts are the padded variety, pick up some Body Glide and lubricate the hell out of your lady bits (especially around where those seams will hit)!
Just sayin'... I teach a spin class at work, and those damned pants cause the worst chafing EVER.
Don't want one problem to recede while another blooms.
Noted and ordered, to arrive on Tuesday. Thanks for the tip! They are indeed the padded variety. I haven't tried them on yet, but I will take your word for it. I'm on antibiotics till Wednesday, so I'm safe with my old setup till then, I think. After that, on go the shorts and the whole new routine.
This weekend has been all right. I've been a little tired because of the whole "fighting an infection and on antibiotics" thing, but I've made the most of it. I went to the urgent care on Friday night and got a prescription, which I filled Saturday morning. I came home Friday and just ate some edibles and vegged out to nature documentaries while Rider slept. He'd been drinking all evening, so he was pooped by the time I got back from the doctor.
I made a last-minute decision to do the skating today instead of yesterday so that I could keep Rider company while he watched football. He terribly misses his Florida friends that he usually watches with, and I asked him if he would rather have company than be left alone, and he did. I ended up fixing us food and then just napping next to him, but he later thanked me for sticking around.
Perry's party was good. A bunch of people I don't know well but like so far were there, as well as Oona, Toby, Mel, Rita, and, of course, Perry. The mean girl from the other party months ago was there for a bit shortly before we left, but I didn't talk to her at all. Rider later said she approached him and said hello, then asked if I was there, and, after he pointed out where I was standing, she asked where the drinks were and scurried off, never coming back. She did not approach me to say hello. This seems like more evidence toward my hypothesis that she has a thing for Rider and that's what provoked her original meanness. I still can't know for sure, but that's what it seems like.
I also ran into an old friend there whom I hadn't seen since 2003. I'd always wondered what had happened to her, and I'd been curious as to whether we'd eventually cross paths since we met through that same circle of friends—Mel, Perry, etc.—back in the day. It was good catching up with her, and I think we'll end up hanging out in the future.
Rider and I split from the party kind of early because I was tired and wanted to make sure I reserved enough energy for sexytimes. Boy, was I glad that I did! I still couldn't have anything done to me because I wanted to give the meds longer to work, but I tied him up and used a toy on him that we hadn't used in a while. I got soooo turned on from it that I surprised myself! And he was incredibly hard, so it was working for him too, I guess. We'll be trotting that one out more often, I think!
This morning both Rider and I spent some time piddling around on OKC. He reactivated his profile a couple of days ago and linked me on it but hadn't done much with it other than a few basic updates. I was responding to messages from my handful of contacts. My filtering system is working well: there were nearly no new messages from other people. But I woke up to messages from three of my favorites, so I gave them thoughtful responses. I also took all the phone numbers I'd been offered and plugged them into my phone, texting the people so they'll have my number too.
The one guy I've been talking to the most (mostly because he's the most talkative) seems cool but...maybe a little overzealous? I'm not sure. He's already fantasizing aloud (well, in text) about cuddling and stuff, and we've never even met yet. He seems super smart, super nice, and overall like a pretty great person, and it's fine that he is obviously very into (at least the idea of) me so far, but I don't really get the thinking about physical stuff before we even know if there will be an attraction there IRL.
The guy I've been talking to second-most (the younger guy) was pretty busy this weekend, which is fine. But the really weird thing is that apparently I rode past him on my way home from work Friday and he recognized me. Which maybe wouldn't be odd if I weren't wearing a helmet, sunglasses, and a face-cloth thingie I wear to keep the sun off my face. He said it was because I'd mentioned the cycling and my neighborhood, and the longer part of my hair was visible. I guess it is pretty remarkable hair.
The third guy...I think I'm going to cut him loose. There just isn't enough interest there for me to keep investing the time. Not sure what I'm going to say, but I've talked to him enough that he deserves more than a ghosting.
The trans woman and I have been having pretty interesting conversations. Our interests are rather divergent, which I don't know if that is going to turn out to be a plus or a minus. On the one hand, having friends with diverse interests who can teach me about new things is cool and fascinating. On the other hand, me being me and not great at humaning means that I usually have an easier time of it when I have a lot in common with someone. Still, she has a great personality and I find her completely beautiful based on pics—totally exactly my type.
The other woman finally messaged me back after days of silence. She and I have a ton in common, and I think she wants to meet up sooner rather than later. I think she doesn't log in very often and that's what accounts for the silence. She's also super-pretty. I always get more nervous with meeting cis-women for the first time because the strength of my attraction to them is usually lower than my attraction to men or trans women. And I'm less experienced with dating them. So I basically just get nervous about what will happen or what to do. I think that with this girl, though, we have a good chance of being friend-compatible no matter what.
And then there is one other woman with whom I am super interested in becoming friends. She and I had chatted last time I had my OKC up, and she just seemed super cool. She's also poly and I am stoked about the idea of having more IRL poly chick friends. Whether more would ever happen there, I don't know, but I wouldn't rule it out.
After I cleared my inbox, I messaged Rider the links to the profiles of a few women I'd noticed on there whom I thought would be a good fit for him. He was squeeing with excitement, not only with seeing cute girls on the internet
rolleyes but also at the idea that he is marrying someone who helps him pick out cute girls on the internet. There's one girl in particular who I really hope writes him back. She has so much in common with him—they are even the same age and the same sign (not that astrology matters to me, it just means her birthday is right near his, so they are basically the same exact age). And she's cute and seems smart, and is poly and partnered, etc., etc., etc. Also, she's only 1% my enemy, which would bode well on the metamour front.
After Rider and I had done our OKC stuff and had some coffee, I packed a bag and headed out to the beach for my skating adventure. It was a really good time. After a year of not using my skates, I was once again like a newborn deer, all wobbly and unsure. But I got my feet under me and managed to put about three miles in on the path. I think that somehow my feet have gotten wider in the past year, though! The skates were pinching a little, and I may have to take them to a cobbler to have them stretched. If that doesn't work, I may have to spring for new ones when I have some extra dough. I definitely want to go skate there more often!
While I was skating, I stopped and took a selfie and sent it to Beckett because he's the person who got me into skating in the first place. He sent me a bunch of thumbs up and then a little heart. Because of course he did.
I wonder if his girlfriend is going to come out here on the trip with him. Mainly because I am wondering about when we hang out (as he says he still wants to do), whether it will be Awkward Variety #1 (his girlfriend is also there and I'm the girl he was inviting to his hotel room and sending sexy pics to mere weeks ago and he's "still OK with flirting" with, and I don't know if she knows it), or Awkward Variety #2 (his girlfriend is not there and you can cut the sexual tension with a knife but we're both not letting anything happen). Still, I am not letting that stop me from seeing him. I really am determined to build a true and lasting friendship there, no matter how much time it takes.
JaneQSmythe
Well-known member
So...after having spent a week at Burning Man, where cleaning up MOOP (Matter-Out-Of-Place) is a thing, Dude and I spent a few days at Sequoia Nat'l Park. As a matter of habit, we picked up trash along the way. A guy commented to me (after I had picked up a used napkin about 18 inches from his foot) that I could "spend all day doing that". My reply? "Yes, and I have - for the last three days." "Isn't it a shame?" he says. YES it is, if everyone picked up 10 pieces of trash a day, the world would be a cleaner place. But many people just see it as so overwhelming that they don't even bother AT ALL. (As I was de-MOOPing our RV site before we moved out, I realized that I have, in actual fact, turned into my Mother!)
On the other hand, another woman THANKED us for doing "our part"!
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Reverie
Active member
Yes, if I'd had a trash bag, I would have picked up some of that garbage for sure. As it was, we were at the bottom of a canyon and not even carrying backpacks. Next time, if we make it back. The trash takes so much away from the magic!
Reverie
Active member
Tonight I ended up playing poly advice columnist for an acquaintance. This woman is a friend and former neighbor of Sam's, who I'd met a couple of times. She apparently has found herself in a poly pickle and came to Rider looking for help, knowing that Rider and I are poly because Sam used to confide in her when they were neighbors.
Rider asked her if it would be OK if he brought me into the conversation because I am the forum-haunting, book-reading, podcast-listening poly nerd out of the two of us.
We ended up having to hang the chat up before we were finished, due to it getting late, but she said she felt validated and felt a lot better already. She's in the unenviable position of being the outsider coming in as the arm of a vee to a long-standing couple who are completely new to poly and behaving badly. I gave her some options for ways to set and protect boundaries. She's obviously both deep in NRE and deeply hurting, so I am trying to do any good that I can.
She ended up asking me about Sam at one point, and it reopened my pain there all over again. I have barely heard from him at all lately. In fact, I had messaged him earlier today just asking how specific things were going, and he saw the message but never wrote back. Ugh, I miss everything about him.
On that note, it's past my bedtime, and I'm going to sleep.
Rider asked her if it would be OK if he brought me into the conversation because I am the forum-haunting, book-reading, podcast-listening poly nerd out of the two of us.
We ended up having to hang the chat up before we were finished, due to it getting late, but she said she felt validated and felt a lot better already. She's in the unenviable position of being the outsider coming in as the arm of a vee to a long-standing couple who are completely new to poly and behaving badly. I gave her some options for ways to set and protect boundaries. She's obviously both deep in NRE and deeply hurting, so I am trying to do any good that I can.
She ended up asking me about Sam at one point, and it reopened my pain there all over again. I have barely heard from him at all lately. In fact, I had messaged him earlier today just asking how specific things were going, and he saw the message but never wrote back. Ugh, I miss everything about him.
On that note, it's past my bedtime, and I'm going to sleep.
Reverie
Active member
I am still missing Sam like the dickens today. I miss his face and his shape and his scent and his fuzziness. I miss his crooked smile and bright blue eyes. I miss his mannerisms and inflections. I miss being between him and Rider all cuddled up watching shows or on barstools at the tiki bar or lost in a psychedelic haze holding hands with them both. I miss the three of us jamming together on music.
Ten weeks later and I am still not over this breakup, still harboring hopes that when we see each other again things will fall back into place.
I have a whole list of new people to talk to and instead of getting really excited about them, all I can seem to do is pine over Sam and Beckett, alternately or at the same time.
The Sam thing is entirely wistfulness and sadness and looking back on good times. The Beckett thing is like that feeling of an unrequited crush in elementary or middle school—painful and exciting and delicious all at once.
My heart is just being a jerk right now.
I was talking to Kelly earlier and she was saying how the new guy makes her less sad about missing Man. Maybe what I need is a new person, and that's what I'm trying to do, I guess, but I feel kinda lackluster about it. Maybe one of these people will spark and catch fire. I could use a good ol'-fashioned heart-healing dose of NRE to pave all of this over...
Ten weeks later and I am still not over this breakup, still harboring hopes that when we see each other again things will fall back into place.
I have a whole list of new people to talk to and instead of getting really excited about them, all I can seem to do is pine over Sam and Beckett, alternately or at the same time.
The Sam thing is entirely wistfulness and sadness and looking back on good times. The Beckett thing is like that feeling of an unrequited crush in elementary or middle school—painful and exciting and delicious all at once.
My heart is just being a jerk right now.
I was talking to Kelly earlier and she was saying how the new guy makes her less sad about missing Man. Maybe what I need is a new person, and that's what I'm trying to do, I guess, but I feel kinda lackluster about it. Maybe one of these people will spark and catch fire. I could use a good ol'-fashioned heart-healing dose of NRE to pave all of this over...
Reverie
Active member
I was on my way to post-workout tacos with Rider, idly flicking through Facebook while he drove the car, when I saw a post that made me feel like my gut had been punched. It was Jake with his mono girlfriend in some sort of "local feature piece" for my hometown on unique couples, gushing about how they are "it" for each other.
And I'm happy for him, I really am. But I can feel more than one thing at once, and what I felt in that moment was out of breath and...JEALOUS. Terribly so. It was the only time I've ever experienced jealousy relating to Jake. And we're not even together. It's just...if they stay together, and if she stays mono, and if he stays mono with her, then it's totally and completely over between us, for good.
And, yes, I was the one to dial it back when we were dating more seriously, because I really couldn't afford to keep flying up there as often as I had been. But we'd talked about how always, no matter what, it would be "us"—just as it always has been on some level, ever since I was 13 and he was 14. There was always a magnetism there, a pull, a sense of destiny. I honestly believed that he was going to stay poly and was going to continue to be my hometown lover forever, always leaving space for each other in our romantic lives that way.
And the idea that that might not be true saddens me deeply.
My heart certainly has a number of shadows falling across it today. If poly means many loves, it seems to also mean many heartbreaks.
On a lighter note, my weight loss efforts appear to be working. And I have one date set up for Thursday and another possible one for Sunday.
And I did finally get to talk to Sam for a while today. It seems he's been incommunicado mostly because he's been having a really shitty time of it: money problems, tenant problems, nests-of-bees problems. It was good to catch up with him. It helped me miss him less.
OK, it's bedtime for me. I've had enough of today, for sure!
And I'm happy for him, I really am. But I can feel more than one thing at once, and what I felt in that moment was out of breath and...JEALOUS. Terribly so. It was the only time I've ever experienced jealousy relating to Jake. And we're not even together. It's just...if they stay together, and if she stays mono, and if he stays mono with her, then it's totally and completely over between us, for good.
And, yes, I was the one to dial it back when we were dating more seriously, because I really couldn't afford to keep flying up there as often as I had been. But we'd talked about how always, no matter what, it would be "us"—just as it always has been on some level, ever since I was 13 and he was 14. There was always a magnetism there, a pull, a sense of destiny. I honestly believed that he was going to stay poly and was going to continue to be my hometown lover forever, always leaving space for each other in our romantic lives that way.
And the idea that that might not be true saddens me deeply.
My heart certainly has a number of shadows falling across it today. If poly means many loves, it seems to also mean many heartbreaks.
On a lighter note, my weight loss efforts appear to be working. And I have one date set up for Thursday and another possible one for Sunday.
And I did finally get to talk to Sam for a while today. It seems he's been incommunicado mostly because he's been having a really shitty time of it: money problems, tenant problems, nests-of-bees problems. It was good to catch up with him. It helped me miss him less.
OK, it's bedtime for me. I've had enough of today, for sure!
Reverie
Active member
I messaged Jake about the way I was feeling last night, not expecting it to change anything, just because we have a history of always being 100% honest with each other when it comes to telling each other how we feel.
It was a short message, and not very in-depth, but it was important to me to get it off my chest and let him know how I feel, so he can understand where I'm coming from when he sees me in November, and so he at least knows that someone, somewhere is missing poly Jake, in case that makes any difference to him.
I said this:
I didn't want to say anything specifically aimed at changing his course. I just told him how I felt, including that I am happy for him, and those chips can fall where they may. If he eventually brings her around to poly (he has said he's had talks with her about it), then at least he knows where I stand on wanting to still be with him when I am able.
It's been that kind of summer for me—the "show all my cards to someone I love and let the chips fall where they may" kind. As much as I will miss the warm weather, I am eager for the change of pace that fall will hopefully bring.
It was a short message, and not very in-depth, but it was important to me to get it off my chest and let him know how I feel, so he can understand where I'm coming from when he sees me in November, and so he at least knows that someone, somewhere is missing poly Jake, in case that makes any difference to him.
I said this:
I didn't want to say anything specifically aimed at changing his course. I just told him how I felt, including that I am happy for him, and those chips can fall where they may. If he eventually brings her around to poly (he has said he's had talks with her about it), then at least he knows where I stand on wanting to still be with him when I am able.
It's been that kind of summer for me—the "show all my cards to someone I love and let the chips fall where they may" kind. As much as I will miss the warm weather, I am eager for the change of pace that fall will hopefully bring.