The Best Life Yet

[InfinitePossibility]

TI really DO love love, and to some degree, I feel like "doing love" and "doing relationships" are my biggest talents.

Yes. This is clearly stuff that you do well and are interested enough in to do the work to get better at.

My whole questioning the ethics is part of that; I don't want to set anyone up for unnecessary hurt—not myself, not Rider, and not any yet-to-be-determined third parties. I suppose as long as I'm erring on the side of thinking about that stuff, I'll probably be OK. If I'm being hard on myself, I guess maybe it's because I want to err on the side of not being too cavalier.

I agree very much with this. It is my experience that where people are very interested in doing well at something, they question themselves, ask if they are causing harm with it, seek ways to do things better.

It is the questioning and excitement about relationships and doing them that makes me see you as somebody who can and will and is doing poly/open in an ethical way.

 

[Reverie]

On a "fun things" note...

I've decided that since this work project is sucking so much fun out of my life, I am going to use the money I get paid on my first invoice from it to improve my life and add fun to it.

At the end of this weekend, I'm going to submit the first invoice and use the resulting "extra" cash as follows:

1) Folding bike so that I can bicycle-commute to the new office when we move. It'll be 4.6 miles each way, and will probably take less time to get there and back on a bike than in a car, given the state of rush-hour traffic in that part of town. Plus, clocking in 9+ miles each weekday on a bike will be good for my waistline.

2) Groupon for laser hair removal. My (as Oona calls it) "sasqrotch" is one of the banes of my existence. Rider loves to go down, but I am naturally so hairy that I am either bush-from-hell, sandpaper-from-hell, or razorburn-from-hell, depending on how frustrated I am with any given stage at any given moment. Waxing and epilating give me ingrown hairs that lead to cysts. Shaving irritates my psoriasis. It's all a giant nightmare. I had started with laser back in 2014, but when I crashed my car, I stopped being able to make it for my remaining appointments. I'm going to buy another 6 treatments and vanquish the Mighty Bush once and for all.

3) Trial package of five Pilates classes. There's a studio right down the street from me offering 5 for $40 for new clients and then 4 for $72 after that. I think I really need some alignment and core help, and I am WAY more likely to go if a place is two blocks away and prepaid.

4) A Feeldoe! I've had enough experience with the strap-on now that I think I'm ready to move to the next level. I'm curious to see whether using something that goes inside of me will allow me to climax while fucking Rider's ass.

So, yay for hard work paying off in stuff that will be good for my physical and sexual health!

Also, Rider and I might goth it up Saturday night and check out the goth night at a club in our neighborhood that we haven't yet been to. I think Rider is going to cross-dress and I'm going to put on cat ears and crazy makeup. We're not 100% on it yet, since I have a lot of work to do during the day AND we're supposed to run through some prep for our first band practice with Perry that is on Sunday. But if we get everything done, we're going to try to see what it's all about.

 

[Reverie]

Thursday night started out kind of fun but ended anticlimactically. It was supposed to be our dedicated "music night," but Rider had asked me earlier in the day if I'd go out for a drink with him to celebrate St. Patrick's Day. I normally don't pay much attention to this "drinking holiday," but it seemed important this year, since earlier this year some papers related to Rider's adoption came into his possession, revealing that he is mostly Irish (with about a quarter German thrown in there).

So for the first time in his life, at 39, he has a sense of genetic heritage that he'd never had before. He'd always kind of guessed himself to be part Nordic of some sort, simply because he is so big and so pale, but it turned out that his Irish Catholic mother was just very tall for her age (5'8" at 16). I was really happy for him that he could feel a connection to his ancestors, however slight, and I wanted to celebrate with him.

We went out to his favorite diner-bar and got "picklebacks"—Irish whiskey with a pickle brine chaser—and a beer. He'd already been drinking at happy hour on his way home, so he was a little tipsy. We had fun while out, rehashing old debates we'd had where we'd changed each other's minds on issues over the years. I'd changed his mind from being pro-smoking-in-bars, and he'd changed my mind from being pro-capital-punishment. We were talking about how it seems that so many people are so entrenched in their stances on things that they won't allow anyone or anything to change their minds, but that we both welcome new insights and information that might give is new perspectives on something we'd held a position on before. It was a good time.

When we got home, I heated and arranged a smorgasbord of leftovers from the earlier meals of the week, and we chowed down while watching some TV. After we finished eating, we left the TV on since I needed to do a little work. Rider completely passed out. I tried to jostle him awake a few times so he didn't miss the show, but he was done for. So I just kept working on other stuff even after I finished the task I'd set out to do.

Eventually, it got to be bedtime, and Rider was super difficult to rouse to move to the bed. When we got there, he mumbled an apology about being too tired to play. We'd planned something elaborate involving bondage, a blindfold, and my fetishizing "his orange" (which is what I call his beard and pubes because they are bright orange) in honor of leprechauny gingerness. But I actually had started to get a sore throat while working, so I was fine just going to sleep.

Friday morning, I woke up feeling even a little worse (though it still had not spread to anything but my throat/neck). I offered to my boss to work from home so that I don't infect everyone else with whatever germ it might be, but he said he'd rather have me here. I did skip my morning exercise in favor of an extra half-hour of rest.

Oona messaged me that morning, upset for the second day in a row. She and Toby had been fighting, and while they had both said that they don't want to break up (and I think things are currently resolved between them), that day she was pretty stressed out. The stress kicked her IBS into overdrive, so she was feeling physically sick, too. I spent a big chunk of that day talking her through it. They were having some of the same types of communication problems that Rider and I were having about a year ago, so I had some pointers to give her. Even though I wasn't feeling well, I wanted to cheer her up, so after work I picked Rider up and we went to go hang out with her.

While we were in transit, she actually had a long phone conversation with Toby and started to feel a lot better. When we got there, we all just lay around on her bed listening to music and chatting. It was a fun time even though we didn't stay super long. I love watching Oona and Rider interact. They are both big movie buffs and will toss movie knowledge back and forth at a rate I find fascinating.

The conversation also veered to how this weekend has been a year since Rider and Claire broke up, and discussing the events that led up to that. How the time has flown! Oona was my ear during that whole six-month period when stuff was really bad in the Claire-Rider-Reverie V, starting in September 2014 when Claire threw a fit because Rider wanted to spend my entire birthday weekend with me, arcing through all the drama that surrounded Thanksgiving and Christmas and the Superbowl, and culminating in their breakup. I think it was interesting for Oona to hear snippets of the whole thing from Rider's perspective.

Rider is still Claire's friend on Facebook, and apparently she is in a mono relationship now and doing really well. There hasn't been one negative peep out of her since we moved, so I guess she is willing to just live and let live now that we're no longer sharing a city with her.

Saturday morning, I was feeling quite a bit better, so Rider and I decided to go through with our tentative plans to attend a local goth/fetish night's costume party. This required a bit of preparation, as neither of us had the exact makings for the costumes we wanted. We went to a printer shop to print discount tickets, got breakfast, then walked down to a retail area where I bought some tights and a scarf at a vintage store. Rider splurged on a new pair of gothy patent leather platform boots that render him about seven feet tall since he's already so big to begin with. I also got some face paint from a local costume shop.

On our way back, we decided to stop for a few beverages, as we were still within a pub's bottomless mimosa time limit. We spent an hour there, then wandered home to work on music. We'd been talking about covering Joan Jett and Pearl Jam. I discovered that I am actually pretty good at singing Joan Jett songs! And I am NOT that good at Pearl Jam bass lines. LOL. We did this for a few hours before it was time to get gussied up for the party.

I think we looked very good at the party! Rider, standing seven feet tall and in drag, was the belle of the ball. Many random people came up to him wanting pictures taken. I got lots of compliments on my face painting, too! It blew my mind that even in our new city where we don't know anyone and there is a larger population here, we—and Rider especially—could end up the focus of such attention. I'd seen him holding court at fetish parties in Former City and had kind of figured it was just that he'd been in the scene there for over a decade. Saturday night I realized that it's just what happens with him no matter where he goes!

We skedaddled out of there before the place closed and went home to play. I was rather tipsy from spending much of the day on and off drinking wine, so I couldn't get off, but we still had a great time. I would say that, in all, it was a pretty epic night.

(continued...)

 

[Reverie]

(...continued from previous)

During the day on Saturday, Kristof had texted me canceling for Sunday due to being sick, and Oona had expressed that she probably wouldn't go to the fair after all. But Sunday when I woke up, she had texted me changing her mind.

I'd already changed MY mind at that point and no longer wanted to go to the fair, so I told her so and Rider and I went hiking instead. The park where we went is one of my favorite places in the world—beautiful nature, great views, and even some little waterfalls!

We hiked around for a bit, then lazed upon a rock near a waterfall, taking in the beauty of the natural surroundings. I showed Rider some plants that I recognized to be edible. He loves it when I point out to him the things that I know about plants. It's funny because I never studied any of that stuff formally, but I must have just been a sponge for it on nature walk field trips as a kid and the word-of-mouth nature lore that came to me through relatives. The woods were my favorite setting as a kid and I was always fascinated by plants.

Eventually it started to get later in the afternoon, and we had to head back so we'd be home in time for our first band practice with Perry. We stopped for a meal and made it home with only half an hour to spare, so we grabbed a 20-minute power nap. We were both completely exhausted after the party the night before, then the hiking, then eating. I knew it wasn't the BEST solution, but I knew that some whiskey would perk me up, and it did. I consumed enough to have some energy but not enough to get drunk.

We had a great time! We ended up writing four songs in one sitting! The muscial chemistry between the three of us is great, and Perry seemed pleasantly surprised with my level of skill on the bass which, while not great, is something I have been working on for about two years now, so it is passable.

When I woke up this morning, I had to pay the piper. Apparently, singing Joan Jett, going to a costume party, hiking, and then staving off exhaustion via whiskey is not the nicest way to recover from a sore throat. It was back again in full force this morning after being seemingly gone all weekend. I actually took today off of work, hoping that a full day of rest would patch me up, but I'm really still not feeling all that better despite spending most of today in bed, dozing in and out with my cat on my chest.

It's weird, though—it's just one little spot that is sore, but that spot is pretty effing sore. I hope I won't need another antibiotic; I *just* kicked the yeast infection from the one I had to take for my UTI. I am definitely taking it way easy for the rest of this week. Rider is off playing music with our drummer friend tonight, and I was supposed to come along but my body is telling me that I need to tone down the shenanigans for a bit. We're supposed to go to a concert on Saturday and I am swearing off going out until then.

I still haven't gotten Rita's pen-pal letter yet. Maybe she forgot or is just busy. I know she occasionally writes to Rider because I've seen her messages pop up on his monitor when he's showing me something on his screen. He says they really don't talk all that much though. I guess that despite the initial texting frenzy, maybe not much is really going to happen on that front after all. Maybe it worked out that his not messaging her during time we'd planned to spend together ended up drying their communications up, but if the only time she had was the only time I have too, that wasn't going to work out anyway.

Completely unrelatedly, I have an inkling that I want to write an essay about my "origin story" with Rider, because it's a little unusual, I think. That will be the next thing that I write but I may not finish it tonight.

 

[Reverie]

The Origins of Reverie & Rider, Part 1

To tell the full tale of how I got involved with Rider, I have to start a couple of years before I met him. I have to start with The Ex.

I started dating The Ex on my first foray into poly, back in 2010. I'd had an open relationship before that involved mostly swinging/orgy type of thing (though not organized), and I'd done some reading on poly and had tried to discuss it with Moss toward the end of our marriage, but it wasn't until 2010, when I was single, that I decided I wanted to try to put poly into practice.

In the summer of 2010, I was dating and in pretty heavy NRE with someone when I got on OKC and decided to try to make the situation poly. I met The Ex and started dating him too. I was a very shitty hinge in a V for the five months that that lasted, and I finally broke up with my other partner because I realized we weren't right for each other. The Ex asked me to stay mono with him, and I agreed to because I really liked him.

But The Ex had problems. I would try to have normal "getting to know you" conversations with him about his past, including being curious about his previous relationships. He'd tell me things, but his story would change and things didn't add up 100%. He told me he'd had a long term relationship with a girl named Ada, who had been the love of his life, but the details would change. At one point, he had "been with her for five years." At another point, he'd been with her "since 2001" and mentioned moving to a different city with her in 2007, and not leaving till 2008, so that seemed more like seven years to me.

And he'd mention other girls in there. Sometimes he'd tell me he and Ada had had an open relationship. Sometimes he'd say that they were together a few years and then he dated someone under duress in between and then they were together again. When I'd get confused and try to clarify with him, he'd get frustrated and say that "this is why he doesn't like to talk about the past."

Most of our relationship seemed great. The time we spent together was fun and easy. We rarely fought. He wasn't very into sex, but when we did have it, it was good. I was very attracted to him, and I loved our intellectual conversations. So I was willing to mostly overlook the shadiness of his background story never quite matching up.

Mostly.

Early on, I got curious and internet stalked him a bit. I found his old MySpace page, and through that, I found Ada. I saw pictures in there that labeled her "the love of his life" which seemed to confirm his story. But then I found her LiveJournal. Certain that reading this would FINALLY provide clarity on the timeline, even if it wasn't from The Ex's perspective, I started at the beginning, in 2004, and read the whole thing, or at least up until she bailed for Facebook in 2008 like everyone else did.

In it, I read things that didn't make sense. Ada mentioned The Ex only twice in the first two and a half years, referring to him as a friend. Never as a partner, never as an ex. She referred to other recent exes by name, but never him. Mere days after Ada started her journal, she met Rider. I had no idea who either of these people were, but I was sucked into the story, and I read it word for word, looking for references to The Ex, but also just kind of entertained—it had become a novel or a memoir to me, of people who I'd never met and thought I never would meet. I recognized a story or two that The Ex had relayed to me, but in those stories, HE and not RIDER had been the protagonist. I was pretty confused. So I kept reading.

Eventually, looking for further clues, I clicked on Rider's LiveJournal. His started earlier: 2001. I didn't read his cover to cover, but I did hop around looking for clues that would confirm the stories as having been his rather than The Ex's. And the things I found told a tale of someone who was basically an open book. He dressed a bit outlandishly for my taste, but he was obviously kind, well-liked, intelligent, compassionate, and loved animals. And he had pink hair and loved music. I could tell he was a good person and not lying when he confirmed Ada's stories via his own timeline.

Stumped, I just let the whole thing go. The Ex was maybe fudging the truth of his past a bit, but the past is the past. Maybe he was concealing some things about his relationship with Ada, but it didn't matter. We lived clear on the other side of the country, with no idea where we'd end up when I finished grad school, and The Ex spoke like he had no interest of ever going back to his hometown. I was so in love with him that I was willing to let the whole thing drop.

Time passed. A year. Two years. I took the terminal master's instead of finishing my Ph.D. program, and I started to work for the company I am currently with. Things were happy with The Ex for a while. When his job didn't work out, we started talking about moving. Suddenly his hometown started to look attractive to him—to both of us. We made plans. Then we started fighting. A lot. A few weeks before we were scheduled to move, I found out he—the one who'd pressed me into monogamy—had been flirting online with Ada, and talking shit about me, telling lies to her to set me up as a bad person.

He and I fought about it. We almost broke up. When we decided to stay together, I tried to forge a friendship with Ada, determined to show her what kind of person I was and that the things he had said about me were lies. Almost out of the gate, in talking to her, I discovered that they had NEVER actually dated. He came clean, admitting that everything he'd ever told me about their relationship had been a lie. They'd only ever been friends, though he'd wanted more. He'd tried, to no avail, to steal her from Rider. The only part that had been true was that he had helped convince her to move to a different city with him, as friends, and that is part of what had broken her and Rider up, though that relationship had needed to end because they were no longer attracted to each other anyway.

Figuring I had little to lose, since my job would keep me on remotely, I decided to go through with the move. The Ex and I could start over. I could meet Ada and she wouldn't be a bogeyman to me any longer. I'd meet the Ex's family and learn more about who he really was. Maybe we could be happy again.

It worked for a while.

I met Ada and liked her right off the bat. She and I became friends. We started doing a weekly D&D night together. She invited me to her birthday party. It was there that I met Rider.

(continued...)

 

[Reverie]

The Origins of Reverie & Rider, Part 2

(...continued from previous)

I'd known of his existence since 2011, since reading those LiveJournal posts from 2004–2007. And in the six weeks since moving there, I'd heard his name bandied about a lot. He and Ada were still best friends. Ada and I hung out a lot. I'd gotten the impression before meeting him that he was Kind of a Big Deal. So I was curious.

When I met him, though, he wasn't what I'd expected. He'd changed a lot since the last of Ada's posts that featured him—after all, it had been nearly six years. I recognized him from a distance, but he looked different than I had expected. Six years had added a lot of man-meat to what had been a skinny kid's frame in older photos. He was sporting faded blue hair, matted together from having been in the pool, and he hulked conspicuously, pale, shirtless, and drunk, next to Ada and friends when I approached the table to tell her hello.

"Does everyone know my friend Reverie?" Ada asked.

"No, but I'd like to," Rider said.

I only knew the people at the table who'd been to D&D before, so I went through the round of introductions. I got sucked into conversation with Erica (who would many months later explode her marriage over a threesome with me and Rider) and the next time I looked up, Rider was gone.

I'd gone through such a whirlwind of emotions when I'd walked out onto that patio and seen him:

1. OMG, it's that guy from the LiveJournal that everyone is always talking about.
2. Wow, he looks, uh, different. I remember him being skinnier and far more rockstar-esque in the photos.
3. "No, but I'd like to."??? How sweet is that? No one has ever seemed so pleased to make my introduction before!

Stirred up by that whirlwind was a magnetic pull to be closer to this person and talk to him. I didn't understand it as physical attraction at the time, because I was used to being attracted mostly to skinny prettyboys, but I suppose in the end that's what it was. It took me months to figure that part out. All I knew was that there was an imperative inside of me: TALK TO THIS MAN.

And so I tried. When a seat opened up near him and my D&D friend, I sat next to him and tried to strike up a conversation. But he has shitty hearing and didn't hear my shy little voice saying his name. I had better luck the next time, when some people were discussing the merits of the various gins. I used to tend bar, so that was a conversation I could engage in.

Eventually, Ada and Erica pulled me away, wanting to dress up sexy in latex together, probably aiming for a hookup. I pleaded homeward bound, needing to pick up The Ex from work, where he had been doing a four to midnight shift.

The next day, Ada had a more public celebration in a bar. I went with The Ex. Rider was there, standing in a group. He was SO TALL! I hadn't realized it when I'd spoken to him seated. We discussed costume ideas for a party he was supposed to go to. The Ex and I left early. Rider added me on Facebook that night. And then we didn't really talk for a couple of months. He'd occasionally like stuff on my Facebook, but that was it.

(continued...)

 

[Reverie]

The Origins of Reverie & Rider, Part 3

(...continued from previous)

In the intervening months, I was still hanging out a lot with Ada. She had been talking about wanting to try going to a swing club and wanted to take me. She obviously wanted to sleep with me. I had "girl permissions" (i.e., OPP) with The Ex by this point, but I wasn't really into her in that way. But I knew The Ex had always had a thing for her, so I started to consider poly again if he might want to date her too. I thought that I liked her well enough as a friend that I could do a light FWB thing with her if it meant that The Ex could consummate his longtime fantasies. But when I brought it up to The Ex, he still really wasn't into the idea of nonmonogamy.

Talking with Ada had reawakened my thirst for sexual adventure though. I wanted to see what a swing club was like! I wanted to date multiple people again! I might not be that into her specifically, but my nearly 100% mono life was getting kind of stale for me, and besides, The Ex had never really been that into sex. Eventually, Ada and I did drunkenly hook up one night. She was super aggressive with me and I allowed myself to be pushed into it even though I wasn't into it. The Ex was upset with me after that, though I was technically "allowed" so it definitely wasn't cheating. He agreed that it hadn't been but he still wasn't happy.

I think he saw that I wasn't happy being so monogamous anymore, so he took my interest in swing clubs and websites as a serious topic and started to say that we could do that together. We went so far as creating a profile before he broke down all stressed out about it, and I deleted the profile. I told him didn't have to revisit it. If he was going to be so stressed out about it, it wasn't something that I needed. I wasn't sure whether I was lying. But I was determined to stick to dropping the subject. We'd been relatively happy since the move, and I wanted to keep that peace.

The Ex was freaked out to his core, though. His pendulum would swing first one way, and then the other. He'd encourage me to go out and hang out with Ada and make friends, and then he'd get weird and jealous and tell me he didn't want me posing for art class photos for those friends, or hanging out in groups at the beach at night. I could never get him to come out with me, but he began to be suspicious of my going out alone. It seemed like a rock and a hard place.

One of the times he did encourage me to go out, it was to one of Rider's shows. I'd known Rider was a musician but had no idea what kind of music he played. I asked The Ex about it, and he said I would like it, and that I should go. So I went. And Rider was there with a girl he was dating, Val, and I ended up making actual friends with Rider and Val and their other friends that night. One of them was Tansy, and one was Rider's bass player. We went nightswimming and then got diner food. I had really liked the music. I came home all bubbling and happy about the good time I'd had. I was still interested in being just friends with Rider, and after that night, I was sure he had a girlfriend, so he was "safe."

Val and I became friends. I went to more of Rider's shows with her, and to Renaissance fairs, and to vegan restaurants. I cooked her dinner. She met The Ex. She started confiding in me about Rider. It turned out that Rider was nonmonogamous. She was one of three partners that he had. She didn't really like that and was hoping to whittle him down to just her, but he didn't seem to like her enough to be willing to do that. She had self-esteem issues and depression issues to begin with and she was perpetually miserable in a non-monogamous situation. She'd message me in a panic when Rider would post pics of himself at one of Claire's parties, or when he had his LDR partner, Sherry, come visit from out of town. I counseled her that if he wanted "open" and she wanted "closed," and he was unwilling to close down for her, maybe they were incompatible and she needed to just walk away. She would freak out at the idea, saying "but he's the nicest partner I've ever had!" And I would tell her that kindness wasn't necessarily equivalent to compatibility.

At the same time, Rider and I were also becoming casual friends. He'd started IMing me throughout his work day from time to time. Ada assigned him a role in my costume birthday party, so we corresponded about that quite a bit. I'd written a song about one of the fun nightswimming nights that I'd had with that group, and at my birthday party, fortified by punch, I'd sung it for him and Val and Ada, and a few others. He told me he'd love to collaborate with me on it, if I ever wanted to. I started to develop a little crush on him, finally recognizing that attraction for what it was. I vowed to never be left alone with him—not because I would cheat (I wouldn't), but because I wanted other people around as an intimacy shield between us. It was a good thing that I was friends with one of his partners, Val, because it meant that someone else was always around.

But one day, six months after I met Rider for the first time, while Val was out of town, I needed a tape digitized, and Ada volunteered Rider for the job. She was supposed to meet me at his house and we were all to go hang out downtown and have some beers after. But it turned out she'd forgotten a commitment to her stepdad to help him set up a party, so she sent me along to Rider's by myself and made us promise to come to the party after the digitization was done.

I was alone with Rider for the first time.

That very first time, we did the digitizing, and coffee turned to beer, and digitizing turned into songwriting, and we were giggling and chatting at a mile a minute. I was thrilled to be creating music, and it was exhilarating to be in the presence of my crush. I was still fine just being friends with Rider; I had The Ex, and Rider had three partners already. But the chemistry of our connection was dizzying. We became BEST friends almost instantly that day. We started a songwriting partnership, and became pizza-and-beer buddies, and we could talk to each other about anything. I felt a connection to him that I'd only ever felt so quickly with Oona before, and she is still my bestie 17 years later. I forgot about my intimacy shield, but I still wasn't going to cheat. And I didn't.

A couple of weeks later, things came to a head between Rider and Val. She verbally cornered him during one of their date nights and picked a fight about why didn't he like her enough to want to be with her more. He wanted something light and easy with her, and she was making it difficult. They broke up and she was angry with him for a long while. I was friends with both of them and tried to play it neutral, refusing to choose sides but being an ear to both.

A few weeks after that, we tried to do a group outing to an art event. It was Rider and Claire, me and The Ex, and Ada. It was The Ex's first time hanging out with Rider since Rider and I had become friends. That went very poorly. The Ex had picked a fight with me on the drive there, and he sulked the entire time, complaining about how everything there was stupid. Claire and Ada had a history of being catty to each other, both having previously dated Rider, and Ada was trying to disparage Claire's looks to me behind her back, which I shut down. Rider and I tried to escape the negativity by playing a bean-bag toss game together for a few minutes, and we both caught shit afterwards from our partners for "spending the whole time hanging out together" even though we'd not played a full game.

Things devolved from there. The Ex became more negative over the following months, despite my never crossing any lines with Rider. He had quit his job, and I worked from home, so we were together at all times except for when I went out for D&D or to make music with Rider. Eventually, The Ex joined the D&D group, so we were together even then. He was so paranoid and suspicious that I was cheating on him, but I never was. It became impossible to have a good time with him. Plus, it came out via his sister-in-law that he'd ALWAYS had a problem with compulsive lying—the thing about Ada had not been a fluke. I wondered what else he'd lied to me about and challenged him. He broke down and admitted that nearly his entire past had been fabricated and it was now unravelling since I was getting entangled with his family and friends. So he didn't trust me anymore, and neither did I trust him. But we still tried to make it work, remembering good times in the past.

My time with Rider started to be my oasis in a sea of negativity. We always had a good time. He was my best friend and my musical collaborator and my drinking buddy and my fellow animal lover. We were hanging out twice a week by that point, but it was still all aboveboard—still just friendly. I would come home from these hangouts, and The Ex would grump at me, making snide remarks about the music I'd created when I played it for him. He started saying negative things about my appearance, seemingly trying to shred my self esteem, like telling me I'd look "like a cartoon" if I dyed my hair orange like I wanted to, and when I protested that it looked great in The Fifth Element, he said, "Well, you're no Milla Jovovich." He broke my heart a little every day. I guess his must have been breaking too.

Then one day, when I was over Rider's for music night, The Ex dumped me via Facebook message. I raced home to try to figure out what the fuck was happening. We fought all night but were back together by the morning. As a concession to stay together, I agreed to limit my music nights to once per week, and to be home at an earlier hour on those nights. It didn't really work. We were still fighting.

(continued...)

 

[Reverie]

(...continued from previous)

The Ex was obsessed with extracting statements on nonmonogamy out of me. Was I cheating? Did I feel like I would need to cheat eventually? Was I just "wired" nonmonogamously and would never be happy without it? No, no, and...maybe? I'd tried to go about bringing it up ethically in the first place months ago, but it was he who wouldn't take "yes, I'll stay monogamous" as an answer. He re-wrote history and started accusing me of only becoming interested in nonmonogamy again because I'd found out Rider was into it, when the chronology had been reversed. He accused me of pushing him into poly/swinging because I already had someone else in mind, conveniently forgetting that was how we'd started back in 2010, and that Ada had been the one who'd brought the swinging up before I'd even had a personal conversation with Rider.

I felt like I was being perpetually punished for something I didn't actually do. The Ex and Ada teamed up to triangulate and speculate rumors and make my life generally kind of uncomfortable. I think they may have drunkenly hooked up at one point and been lying about it as well. Their stories didn't match up. It felt like they were constantly smearing me—these people who were supposed to be my partner and my close friend. They dragged other people into it, including Val, who started to wonder if I'd been counseling her to leave Rider because I wanted him for myself rather than because "leave if you're unhappy" is good advice. These people—The Ex, Ada, Rider, and Val—were all I had in that city. And all but Rider had turned against me. My reconciliation with The Ex lasted only a month.

One day, I woke up and realized that over the course of all this drama, I really had fallen in love with Rider. When everyone else had been hostile and untrustworthy and shitty, Rider had been kind and honest and warm. When everyone else had wanted to believe the worst about me, he had believed my truths. When the drama had gotten too bad, it was he and I who'd hatched a plan of "no shit talking, and shut other people down if they start talking shit" which had largely de-escalated the situation into an uneasy peace. I realized that, no, I didn't want to cheat, but I also couldn't stay in a monogamous relationship with someone I loved who was making me miserable, and especially not when I had fallen in love with someone else. "Leave if you're unhappy" wasn't just good advice for Val; it was good for me too.

I moved out. Rider helped me move. He was still my best friend. He had been my safe place for months, when I didn't feel like I could trust or was being trusted by anyone else for miles around. He took me out for beer and bought me pizza and listened to me cry about the slow demise of my long-term relationship. And one night, when I was kind of drunk and finally single, we looked at each other for a little too long in the bar, and I tried to kiss him.

He stopped me.

"Whoa. Are you sure this is what you want?" he asked. "We're best friends. I don't want to mess this up, and your breakup is still so fresh." I nodded yes, having never been so certain of anything, and he took me by the hand, walking me to a park downtown by the river, far from the drunken throngs of bar revelry. We sat on a wall under the trees, and we kissed for the first time.

The world exploded.

We kissed and kissed and kissed, and he took me back to his house where we'd hung out as buddies for months. We didn't have sex. We didn't want to go so fast. We got into his bed, and took our shirts off, and kissed until I fell asleep on his chest. We woke up in the morning, and both of us were happy that we were taking things slow. It took us three weeks to get around to actually fucking. We checked in with each other a lot, making sure that our friendship was still intact even though we'd added making out to it.

When we finally did have sex, it was the best thing in the entire universe. I was completely consumed with passion. I never knew anything could be so good.

I'd always thought that I wanted to stay single for a while after my last relationship ended, and Oona had extracted a promise from me that I would, but...

Everything about Rider was so compelling. We were completely magnetized toward each other. I knew he was dating two other people, but he'd made it pretty clear that he didn't really consider himself in a serious relationship with either of them. One night, hanging out on his couch, I said maybe we should actually be together—officially. My bones cried out for it. He looked a bit concerned.

"But...what about Claire. I can't just stop seeing her."

"What made you think I would ask you to do that? You guys are poly, right? You were with Val before...And wanting to be poly is more or less what brought about the end of my last relationship, so...why couldn't we all just be poly?" I asked, confused.

"I guess I'd never really considered her or Val my 'official girlfriend'," he had said. "We were just doing a casual DADT thing that allowed us all the freedom to see other people. But I guess you and Claire could both be my girlfriends."

"I don't see why not," I'd said. I didn't wonder until much later why our becoming "official" together would cause him to necessarily have to "promote" her as well. I didn't really care what they were to each other, as long as he and I could be what we wanted to be to each other, and it was all aboveboard.

I didn't find out until six months later that he and Claire had never properly communicated what they were to each other. She had assumed for the nine months they'd been hooking up again that they were "official" and primary, and everyone else was to remain sex-only secondaries who she never had to hear about. They only saw each other twice a week, but that was enough for her in any relationship—she liked her own space and not being too entangled. He had assumed he was "seeing people" but not partnered; he had a certain loyalty to not just cutting people adrift, but no one was actually his girlfriend, per se.

For those early months after our talk, though, he came to revel in the idea of "two girlfriends." The time we spent together was NRE-soaked and glorious, and we were both insatiable for one another. I made sure to remind him to leave space for Claire, and I think he stepped up his level of romantic commitment to her in tandem with how my relationship with him was evolving.

She appreciated the extra attention from him, but eventually it became uncomfortable for her that our relationship was evolving past the bounds that DADT could constrain. And that's where the trouble began.

But those first six months of poly—those first six months of my being with Rider, and learning how to "do poly" in earnest—were pretty magical. Yes, they were rife with mistakes and miscommunication—mostly on Rider and Claire's end, though I had my faults too. I definitely should have thought about and questioned earlier the idea of why my having a relationship with him meant he'd also have to be less casual with her, and I didn't know enough yet to do that. I definitely should have tried to communicate with her directly much earlier instead of letting him be the go-between—that would have cleared up a lot of misunderstanding.

Mistakes aside, though, I can't imagine anything more magical than the feeling of falling in love with my best friend and running with it as far as it will go, discovering that he is the love of my life, all while exploring the freedom of a new relationship structure.

And that is long, convoluted origin story of Reverie and Rider. There's a lot of weirdness in there, and a bit of drama, and more than a little irony. I had no idea in 2011 that a blog I uncovered in the process of fact-checking my ex's tall tales would be the first I'd hear of my future husband—this strange flamboyant creature that lived on the other side of the country. And now we're here: back in the state I lived in when I first read that story that my ex tried to pass off as his own. Rider and I joke about how I was actually happy living here, but I just learned he existed and had to go get him and bring him back. Of course, that's not really what went down, but the outcome's about the same. Life is weird, but here, in my favorite city with my favorite person, it is the best life yet.

 

[Reverie]

Coincidentally, after I wrote all of this stuff about The Ex, something just came up in my Facebook feed that reminded me of a time I really should have dumped him on the spot, and it was during the time I considered to be our "good years." I'd forgotten all about it until just now.

A friend of mine (the person I met Oona through and one of my closest friends when we'd all lived in the same city at the same time), died in a car crash in 2011. It was quite tragic—my friend and his girlfriend went off an embankment into a tree and were killed instantly.

It randomly happened that Mel and I were both in Magnet City visiting Oona at the time we learned of our friend's death, so we had a day of mourning his death together before I had to drive back to Grad City. When I got back to Grad City and to The Ex, I'd told him what happened and that I was bummed out about it. His response?

"How close were you to this guy? I don't remember you mentioning him."

So I told him some stories and reminded him of some times I'd mentioned him, and then he did remember. And then he said, "Oh, OK. I just wanted to see if you were friends or just 'friends'...you know how some people will act all sad when somebody dies and it turns out they barely knew them."

I sat there kind of stunned that he'd say something like that to me in my grief, but I didn't say anything back. It just makes me realize what a doormat I used to be sometimes. And I'm so glad that I'm not like that anymore.

I just talked to Rider about it, finishing the story with "I used to be too nice."

Rider said, "You are the nicest person I know, but I will say that you don't take any bullshit whatsoever, and that's definitely a good thing. <3 That's a post-[the ex] upgrade of yours."

It made me feel really good about myself, like all the work I've done over the past few years on boundaries and self-esteem, etc. is paying dividends—that I can look back on the person I was five years ago and feel...a chasm there. It's not regret, exactly, because it's obviously a path I needed to take to get where I am. It's more like a sense of thankfulness and relief that I now have learned those lessons...and a bit of a tender, wistful pity for the creature I used to be.

When I was 30, I used to look back at 25 and think about how misguided and ignorant I had been at that age, and I would think that there was no way that I still had THAT MUCH growing left to do, as I had done in those five years. Now, staring down 35 and looking back at 30, I realized that if you're doing it right, that part—the part of changing—is the part that never changes. I can't wait to find out on the way to 40 what I am missing at 35!

 

[Reverie]

Yesterday was a rough one. I spent all day at work putting out fires caused by a simple mistake I made on a spreadsheet back in 2014 that went undiscovered until now. It made pretty much everyone's job harder yesterday as we scrambled to fix it. As soon as I discovered that it was my fault, I admitted fault and apologized, and no one was mad at me (because really how mad can you get at something that was accidental and happened two years ago) but I felt really bad. I had to work late catching up after that, so I was extra tired, and the drive home was worse than usual.

Then when I got home, I intended to get some more work done after dinner, but my pets conspired against my doing that. First the rabbits made an absolute mess out of their area, kicking grossness out of their litterbox everywhere and requiring me to move them and come up with a better solution of where to keep them. This took a long while and was pretty disgusting, as I discovered that they'd been peeing over the side sometimes and the corner was all gross. They have a cage that's a dog crate, and they're allowed to come and go freely from it except at night, but that's where their litterbox and bowls are.

Then as I ran the trash out from that, the cat ran by me out into the garden and nibbled on some things she wasn't supposed to, which had her projectile vomiting as soon as I got her back in the house.

By the time I was done with all the pet messes, I had only about an hour of time—not really enough time to get much done—so I said fuck it and flopped out with Rider on the couch. He put on an episode of a show we'd been waiting to watch, but cut it off halfway through because he was falling asleep. That made me grumpy though I know it wasn't really his fault. (Well, maybe, kinda, for drinking beer all night, but I'd told him I'd be working and to do whatever he wanted, so not really.)

So basically from morning to night yesterday was a total bust. I didn't even have sex because I was grumpy, I thought maybe my UTI symptoms might be returning, and Rider was tired. Grump, grump, grump.

On the poly front, I'd previously forgotten to mention that Rider had met a girl in a bar on Friday and gotten her number. It was in that little wedge of time between when he gets off work and when I do, before I came to pick him up and we went to Oona's. She had texted him that night to let him know that she'd gotten home safely (since she'd been out celebrating her birthday), but he texted her recently and gotten no reply. I suppose we'll see if she ever replies.

I was listening to a podcast on poly the other day, and there was a commenter that said that she gets only four to eight hours a week with her lover, gets no overnights, and no trips and...she's fine with that. Would she like more? Yes. Is she going to get more? Probably not. Is she OK with that and happy anyway? Yes. She knew what she was signing up for when she got into that relationship, and the benefits of spending that time together outweigh the drawbacks of not getting more. She knows that if she wants more, she will have to find a different partner to get that with. THIS is the kind of people that Rider and I need to find so that we don't explode my schedule.

And, importantly, it underscores how we need to be super upfront with people that this is what we're looking for: people who understand that our schedule is constrained and who realize that, at this time, there is limited availability of that resource called time. I would HAPPILY send Rider out to date during those four-to-six hour stretches between when he gets home for work and when we go to bed, when I have to sit there on my laptop and get shit done. Happily. He could get his social/flirty time in, and I could do my work uninterrupted, and then he'd come home and we'd have our reconnection time at bedtime so I could still meet my sex quota. I would have no objection to that whatsoever.

I would never make a "no overnights" RULE—if special circumstances came up, say, I had to go visit someone, or I'm out of town on business and he wants to sneak in for a cuddle with someone after we have our nightly videochat—as long as the pets are fed, and the sheets are changed when I get back, and my life is running as usual, it would be no problem. I would never erect obstacles to intimacy just for the sake of doing so. It's only when someone else would shake up my schedule or interfere in my life (which currently is constantly teetering on the edge of stress meltdowns from busy-ness) that I would have a problem.

This led me to a thought exercise. The caveat here being that it is purely fantasy and not something that I am actively in pursuit of. If I could have a pie-in-the-sky, perfect-fantasy poly life right now, what would it look like? The reason it's fantasy is that to go looking for it would be tantamount to double-unicorn-hunting, which I wouldn't do...but if it fell into our laps, that would be so great!

The situation that would be my ideal would be if we found another MF couple, preferably (but not necessarily) with both being bi, where Rider could be more involved with the woman (but she would at the very least become a good friend of mine) and I could be more involved with the man (but he would at the very least become a good friend of Rider's. It would still be open on all sides, so that if they weren't bi, Rider and I could still hook up with same-sex partners, and so that everyone could still have their autonomy. I would probably have to find the guy first, because I am WAAAAY pickier than Rider.

We could each have some varying amount of one-on-one time in each dyad, but also be comfortable hanging out in a group. They would have each other the way that we have each other—as incredibly closely bonded best friends and life partners—so they would not be lonely if we got too busy to come out and play. Ideally, the guy would either have other partners, or a lower sex drive, so that he wouldn't be deprived by my having less time than Rider. But we would mostly have our extra-dyad dates as a swap kind of thing so that no one feels left behind.

Pie in the sky, indeed!

It doesn't seem terribly far-fetched that there is another bi couple out there that is looking for the exact same thing that THIS bi couple is. Rather, what seems farfetched is that we would all be attracted to each other. It seems terribly unlikely, especially given how picky my attract-o-meter is. I don't think it would be tough to find a guy attracted to me, and Rider is such a charismatic chick-magnet and so indiscriminating that I'd bet he could form a mutual attraction with just about anyone, and I'm perfectly happy to have only a sexual, FWB kind of connection to a girl—actual crushing on a girl is super rare for me, and I'm far more bisexual than biamorous—it's the "my being attracted to the guy" thing that makes the whole scenario next to impossible.

I feel like if we were to pursue something like that, it would end up with Rider and the girl being super into each other, and the guy being super into me, and I wouldn't be able to return the sentiment, which would breed resentment on his part and throw the whole thing wonky. I suppose the only way it'd fall into our laps would be if I happened to meet a partnered guy I had some chemistry with out of the gate, and his partner was also open to dating at that time.

So...not hunting...but if a bird of that species happened to fly through my open window, I would not shoo it out. LOL!

It struck me as kind of funny that in more than two years of being poly, until today I had never once stopped to consider what my ideal would even be! Perhaps clarifying that in my own mind will help to make it more recognizable in the wild once my schedule becomes open enough to consider dating again.

EDITED TO ADD: When I told Rider that I had considered what my "perfect poly scenario" would be, it was pretty funny. After I typed that part (telling him I had one), he responded that he would think of what his was too, and then when we both hit "enter" it was almost the exact same thing except his had more emphasis on "they would both be bi and into us both" and less emphasis on "they would both already be a couple." I find it far more farfetched that the same-sex attraction AND the opposite-sex attraction would be equitably distributed.

 

[Reverie]

I am looking forward to the concert this weekend that Rider and I will be going to. The ticket was his Christmas present to me, so it has been a while in coming.

Other than that, this weekend is going to be all about work for me. Gotta really buckle down and get some shit done. You're unlikely to hear from me for a few days unless there is something that needs processing.

 

[Reverie]

Must keep this short because work to do, but this seemed like the proper place for it:

Damn, I miss Sam lately. I'm so used to seeing him every couple of months and getting at the very least some quality cuddle time in. He finally quit his job, which was supposed to lead to a visit materializing, but I haven't heard anything on that front and don't want to bug him. Plus, I'm crazy busy right now anyway. But I miss him. I miss his face, and his scent, and his fuzziness, and his mannerisms, and his Grade A quality cuddles. This week has just been especially bad for me with missing him—every single day.

I have tried to start conversations, but he's busy, I guess. He did say he missed me too, and missed having us close enough to visit easily. But it was short. Oh, well. I'm sure a visit will indeed eventually happen.

 

[Reverie]

Everything is good. The concert was great. The feeldoe is great. I had too much fun with Rider this weekend and didn't get as much work done as I intended to, but I'll figure it out. Sometimes intense bonding one weekend can be worth pulling a couple of all-nighters a few weeks later.

We had a really good "poly hypotheticals" conversation yesterday afternoon and, over the course of it, I realized that I am coming to truly trust him in a way I never have before—maybe that I have never trusted anyone before. The way he handled the texting thing has built up a huge amount of trust and goodwill with me. Once I really got through to him, that was the last of it. He has been flawless since then.

That makes me feel like my happiness is truly a priority to him. I feel valued and like I can trust that he will always be willing to work toward a compromise that works for both of us. I think that, before this last conflict and resolution, I feared that my needs could/would get thrown under the bus if meeting them meant that Rider's dating pool would be restricted to "people willing to fit into our schedule." It had happened before when we were total newbies, and I went into meltdown mode in our most recent kerfuffle because I mistook "honest mistake that is easily rectified" for "it's just going to keep being this way forever."

But he was very clear with me during this conversation that—while in relationships in the past he has had an attitude of "eh, it'll work or it doesn't," being willing to walk away rather than make sacrifices—in his relationship with me, it is worth making sacrifices and compromises and fighting tooth and nail to make it work before giving up. He said that's what marriage is to him, and even though we're not officially married yet, we already are in his heart.

It made me see that my general stance of considering bailing if something hurts for a while has been kind of immature. I know that relationships are hard work. You hear it all the time. But definitely I have had a history of abandonment issues that usually resulted in me being the one to do the abandoning, pre-emptively, when I sensed that the other person wasn't willing to do the work (and I'm pretty sure in those cases, I was right). But it became a mindset—one I am now working on overcoming.

Rider says that his relationship with me is the best thing that has ever happened to him, so it only makes sense to him to limit himself to dating within situations that allow him to continue to meet my needs as well as he has been recently. It's the classic poly conundrum: he has an unlimited capacity for love and intimacy, but a limited number of hours he will be free to spend on subsequent relationships without diminishing the quality of the prior relationship.

We discussed that eventually those needs may change. Maybe after a while, we'll need less time together. Maybe we'll need even more. We don't expect anything to remain static as we grow and change throughout life, but as long as we're both willing to work toward making sure each person's needs are met—even if those needs fluctuate in size throughout time—things should work out. And if we come to a point where our needs are diametrically opposed and we discover that we have become basically incompatible after trying everything in our arsenal to resolve it...we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

All of this reflection that I've been doing (most of it here on the blog) on the ethics of doing our relationship poly-style have shaken out to my having an attitude that is far less...I can't find the right word for it, but the closest I can seem to come is "paternalistic"...toward hypothetical future metamours. Like, I was illogically believing on some level that I should be responsible for that person's feelings—agonizing over how my getting my needs met might get in the way of that person getting their needs met. When really, I have nothing at all to do with it, and it's not my job to worry about it.

It will be Rider's job to decide whether he's willing to meet my relationship needs (which he has said that he is), and to communicate to hypothetical future people upfront how much time he has available to them and what shape that time takes. And it will be hypothetical future person's job to take that information as it comes and decide whether or not that is an acceptable, needs-meeting amount/shape of time before continuing. Hypothetical future person will be an adult, and hopefully will be one who is able to be honest with themselves about what their needs are, and also able to effectively communicate those needs to Rider. And then he decides whether he can meet those needs.

And if hypothetical future person's needs change, it will be between them and Rider what they will do at that point. There is no point in my getting prematurely anxious that a hypothetical person's needs might increase, leaving them unhappy with what Rider has to offer. I just have to trust that they know that's their business to attend to, and trust Rider that he really is willing to keep meeting my needs, and my job is merely to let him know if my needs or his level of success in meeting them has changed. And I think I can finally do that!

This period of engagement has been so useful to me as we've been having these talks and figuring this stuff out. I can honestly say that (with less than a year to go), I feel more prepared for marriage than ever before, and in a way that I hadn't realized I had left to accomplish before it jumped up and smacked me in the face.

It's so funny how many different layers of learning there are. Many times it seems like I have to identify a thing that needs learning before I can actually get down to the business of learning it (and this is where manuals often come in handy), but sometimes the nuance and the ability to fully grok something to the point of being able to identify it doesn't come until I am actually mid-lesson!

 

[Petunia]

So much gold here, Reverie. I've read through it several times. I especially need to internalize this...

All of this reflection that I've been doing (most of it here on the blog) on the ethics of doing our relationship poly-style have shaken out to my having an attitude that is far less...I can't find the right word for it, but the closest I can seem to come is "paternalistic"...toward hypothetical future metamours. Like, I was illogically believing on some level that I should be responsible for that person's feelings—agonizing over how my getting my needs met might get in the way of that person getting their needs met. When really, I have nothing at all to do with it, and it's not my job to worry about it.

It will be Rider's job to decide whether he's willing to meet my relationship needs (which he has said that he is), and to communicate to hypothetical future people upfront how much time he has available to them and what shape that time takes. And it will be hypothetical future person's job to take that information as it comes and decide whether or not that is an acceptable, needs-meeting amount/shape of time before continuing. Hypothetical future person will be an adult, and hopefully will be one who is able to be honest with themselves about what their needs are, and also able to effectively communicate those needs to Rider. And then he decides whether he can meet those needs.

And if hypothetical future person's needs change, it will be between them and Rider what they will do at that point. There is no point in my getting prematurely anxious that a hypothetical person's needs might increase, leaving them unhappy with what Rider has to offer. I just have to trust that they know that's their business to attend to, and trust Rider that he really is willing to keep meeting my needs, and my job is merely to let him know if my needs or his level of success in meeting them has changed....

I'm certain that I already have this in Bond; it's my thinking that needs to catch up and grok it fully. I already comprehend that Bond is not Twitch, yet I find there are residual fears that aren't totally laid to rest. Maybe it's because I've never been in a relationship with someone as capable at communicating and as secure in himself as Bond. As time has gone by my fears have mostly evaporated and I trust him like I have trusted no one ever. Still I'm learning and ever changing and reading what you wrote has given me something to internalize. Thank you.

 

[Reverie]

So much gold here, Reverie. I've read through it several times. I especially need to internalize this...

I'm certain that I already have this in Bond; it's my thinking that needs to catch up and grok it fully. I already comprehend that Bond is not Twitch, yet I find there are residual fears that aren't totally laid to rest. Maybe it's because I've never been in a relationship with someone as capable at communicating and as secure in himself as Bond. As time has gone by my fears have mostly evaporated and I trust him like I have trusted no one ever. Still I'm learning and ever changing and reading what you wrote has given me something to internalize. Thank you.

I'm glad you've found it helpful. I'm sure that I, myself, will backslide on my understanding of this and have to clamber back up that hill again, but those sparkling moments of illumination and clarity are just the best. Part of the reason I park them here is so I can revisit when I'm feeling muddled again!

 

[Reverie]

Holy crap—another day, another breakthrough! So I had this terrible nightmare last night, and I will relay it here, and since it contains a fictional person, I don't even have to rename her!

The dream (as relayed to Rider via IM):

In the dream, we were living in a little two-bedroom house with a porch, and it was early evening, and I was trying to decide whether to cook dinner. You had texted me telling me that on your way home, you were going to make a stop because your friend Corinne had some shoes at her grandmother’s house that she thought might fit you. Apparently her grandfather had died and left a bunch of very large vintage shoes. I didn’t remember you ever mentioning a Corinne, but I know you know a lot of people, and like vintage things, so I was like, “OK” and didn’t think much of it.

You took a little while getting home, which was fine, but then I realized that you had her with you. I was mildly irked that you’d brought by a guest without mentioning it first, but I was willing to let it go and be happy to meet your friend.

You told me that she had been in town moving her grandmother into a nursing home and clearing out all of the stuff in the house, so there was no furniture for her to sleep on there, and asked if she could crash in our spare bedroom for the night before she traveled back to wherever it is she was from. I figured why not, and brainstormed with the two of you what you might want for dinner.

I felt a little sorry for your friend, losing her grandfather and having to deal with all that stuff on her own. She seemed really young, maybe 22 or 23, and looked like a cross between…if Maritza from OITNB was mixed with Kelly but had red hair—a white girl with wavy red hair that is as fluffy as Kelly’s and a slightly less pronounced butt chin. I thought she was pretty, if too young to ever mess with.

Anyway, so we decided on dinner stuff, and rather than make all of us go to the store, I said I would just run out and grab the stuff we were missing. But when I came through the front door, you were lying across her lap, facing up, completely naked and she was running her hand up and down your body. I froze, bag of groceries in hand, not sure what to do but suddenly panicking.

I told you that we needed to talk, and you scampered away and got into your pajamas and came back to talk while we put away groceries. I asked you what the hell was happening, at this point steaming mad because a) you’d brought someone over without giving me heads up, b) you hadn’t given me any inkling that you were interested in this person, and c) you just sprang a situation on me by my having to walk in on it, completely taking me off guard and then making it awkward because the other person is literally in the next room while we have to talk about it.

You started explaining yourself by giving the excuse that we have a stipulation that if a “strike while the iron is hot” situation comes up, we could take it, and she’d confessed a crush on you and you knew she was going back to wherever it is she was from the next morning, so you thought I’d understand if this was your only chance to hook up with this hot chick.

And I couldn’t believe that you thought that such a situation would apply in our house and without our talking about it—like a chance to hook up with someone was somehow totally valued over my comfort if it were the only chance. Like hurting me and a whirlwind of drama was worth having a single transitory experience.

And I especially resented knowing that she now had nowhere else to stay, AND you’d told her that we had an open relationship so it would be cool with me, so if I tried to change/enforce something now, I’d look like the crazy bitch.

And you moved on to telling me that I should be happy for you, that you were getting this limited time experience. We have a separate bedroom just for this purpose, so why not employ it. And you know how I feel about being told how I “should” feel.

And so I was like...communication is the answer here...I'm just going to go communicate to her calmly.

And so I went into the other room, and I was like, "Look. I know none of this is your fault. You’ve done nothing wrong here—there was just a misunderstanding between he and I, and you’ve ended up in the middle of it. I am very upset right now, but I’m not upset with you. You’ll have to pardon any tension that you feel in the air—I know it must be awkward for you—but I’ll set you up in the spare bedroom, and hopefully you can get a good night’s sleep.

And so I get her all set up in the room, and you want to go in and say goodnight to her, and you’re taking way too long. When I crack the door, you’re cuddling her and whispering to her. And I feel “stern mom tone” creeping into my voice, and I’m like, “You need to come out here so we can talk NOW, or you’re not going to be able to dig yourself out of the trouble you’re causing.”

And you let out a martyred sigh and give her a look like “sorry she’s a pain in the ass” and slink out to talk to me.

And so we’re in the living room, whisper-arguing, and you’re still defending yourself. And I’m bringing up how young she is, and how could one novel experience POSSIBLY be worth all this trouble. And you’re arguing back that you haven’t even hooked up with anyone else in a long time, so why should this one night even matter in the scheme of things, and it’s getting really ugly.

We hear a noise, and it’s her creeping out with a pack of cigarettes in her hand, heading for the porch. We don’t know how much she’s heard, but we have to sit there, awkwardly, both stewing, while she finishes smoking and comes back inside and goes back to bed.

At that point my alarm went off, and I have never been so happy to wake up in my entire life!

Rider replied in the IM by saying, "I want to see how many protocols I can break in a single hour. That's a lot. That is a stressful dream. Sorry dream-me is a jerk. It's crazy that dream-brain will try to prepare us for the worst possible scenario."

When I first woke up, I found it really ironic that I had made this whole post yesterday about trusting and being at peace, and then my subconscious decided to throw a literal nightmare scenario at me as a callback. And then I started thinking about it.

The first thought (not even new) that I came to was that I really, really, really don't like being surprised by situations that are going to require processing for me or that I am going to be uncomfortable with. I already knew this about myself. I am a super-planner type of person, and most of the time, I can be prepared for almost anything if I know that it's coming. And I am really great as well about being flexible and adaptable in the moment if some negative situation is totally unavoidable and necessary—I'm great at "survival mode" and getting out of scrapes and binds.

But surprise me—blindside me—with a situation that is both uncomfortable and optional, and I begin to melt down and lose my coping skills, and once it happens in regard to a particular situation or person, it takes a long time and a lot of hard work for me to disassociate the meltdown feeling with the person or situation. My defense mechanism structure is very impressionable in that regard.

I started discussing this with Rider, and we both agreed that he has been pretty good lately about apprising me of situations and crushes that he has on the horizon. We've been really good about scheduling and such. And he pointed out that we are very often great wingpeople for each other, and I agreed. And something dawned on me at that moment.

(continued...)

 

[Reverie]

(...continued from previous)

I am perfectly happy to wingwoman him if he tells me that he likes someone, or if he spots a pretty girl in a crowd—before he actually makes a move or lets her know that he likes her. I want to be "in on it" in terms of knowing, even if I'm not involved in any of the action, before anyone else is. But if, instead, he starts the flirting or lets her know that he likes her before he can tell me, then I feel like something is happening behind my back and I get jealous.

And then the other puzzle piece fell into place: a big part (though not all) of the reason that I struggled so much with Kelly, and even more recently, with Rita, is that both of them had made the first move. So I did not have that "buffer zone" of being apprised of the situation before there was an exchange between the two of them. And once that first move had been made, it put me on the defensive, feeling like I was scrambling to catch up to understanding what was happening between them.

If Rider is doing the pursuing, he lets me know his intentions, and I can root for him: "GO TEAM!" And I'll do all kinds of things to help him "get the girl," even encouraging one-on-one dates that I'm not a part of. But if Rider is not the chaser but the quarry, if SHE is the one ever upping the ante, I have no idea what to expect to happen next, and it's scary to me!

It appears that I have a streak of control issues that were difficult to figure out until now, because they are so utterly specific that the rhyme or reason to them could only become evident with time and more data points. It's not that I want control over RIDER, because, really, I'm happy for him to do whatever he wants—no restriction on activities, people, etc. Seeing his joy makes me joyful. But it's more like a control over...knowledge?...preparation?

Maybe this is also why I am way more comfortable with the idea of his dating people that we would be mutually friends with—I feel like they would talk to me and with that open communication would come advance knowledge of what was going to happen next. Knowing what's going to happen next is comforting. Not knowing is fear-inducing, at least when it comes to poly things. It's only mildly unease-inducing when it comes to other schedule things.

Back last spring, the first therapist that I tried had me read a book that included this (bolded emphasis mine):

8. Adult children of alcoholics overreact to changes over which they have no control.

The child of an alcoholic/addict lacks control over their lives much of the time. They cannot control when their parent is drunk, or that the parent is an addict to begin with. S/he cannot always predict what will happen from one day to the next, and this is very anxiety producing. A child needs to feel safe. Because of this lack of control as a child, the adult child of an alcoholic/addict craves control. They need to know what is going to happen, how it is going to happen, and when.

Of course, this control and predictability is not always possible. If plans are changed, or somebody does something that the ACOA doesn't like or feel comfortable with, all the insecurity of their childhood may come back to them, and the adult child may over-react, leaving the other party stunned or confused.

I don't need actual control over a situation, but I have this deep-seated need to KNOW. So I guess this is just another part of that—some baggage that I have that, being aware of it, I can own and try to mitigate.

I wonder if this is something I'll be able to solve without additional therapy, or if I need to drag my ass back in there when I've got some more time/money again. I've gotten a lot better with the schedule aspect of the "control the future" thing. I can relax a lot more not knowing exactly what my plans are for the next however many weeks.

The next step is figuring how to let go of the fear that accompanies someone other than Rider being in the "driver's seat" of Rider's other relationships. I'm not sure that I could make a demand such as "abstain from relationships where you're not the aggressor until I have time/money to get my butt back into therapy." That seems highly unreasonable.

More likely, I will try to instate the "practice makes perfect" model of improvement, whereby (to quote the Poly Weekly) podcast "I reserve the right to freak out at any moment" but at the same time, owning that my freaking out is largely baggage-related and irrational, only placing blame on my partner when he has actually done something wrong, and, over time, relaxing the few guidelines that we do have that are intended to sidestep the triggering of this baggage (namely #3 and #4).

Hopefully he will be able to be compassionate and loving during my freakouts (I really don't doubt that), and the repeated exposure to the same type of stressful stimulus (while knowing what is causing it) plus the comforting and compassion will reduce the stress the stimulus produces in the first place. And if after a time that is not working, I will get myself back into therapy.

More to chew on...another growth spurt...becoming a better person every day.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

Thank you for sharing your story of how you and Rider got together! I love to hear the beginnings of happy endings.

 

[Reverie]

Thank you for sharing your story of how you and Rider got together! I love to hear the beginnings of happy endings.

You're welcome! It was super fun to relive it all through writing about it. I felt a little bad that it ended up spilling over four posts, like it was florid or overkill, so I'm glad that someone enjoyed it!

 

[Reverie]

Random processing conversation excerpt as a result of yesterday's epiphany. Background is that in bed he'd read the post I'd sent him that was basically just a recap of my conversation with him, and then we discussed it a little. I'd mentioned that the worst part for me is that the very thing that makes me the most upset—when someone else pursues him—is something he really likes, because he is subby. And he was like, "I was about to say...I really like when girls are aggressive." And it sent me into this brain spiral where I felt grumpy that there can be things like this about us that seem designed to poke at each other, and the thought sent me so out of sorts that it took me a moment to get into sex.

Rider: Sex last night was soooo hot. Sorry if the convo before made the energy weird at all.

Me: I mean, it did, but it's not your fault. I identified something I'm super uncomfortable with, and thinking about it makes me upset. And it's that weird thing like we discussed back when I really freaked out hard last May: the idea that the very thing that upsets me the worst is actually something that makes you happy and is important to you drives me a little insane. It makes me feel like life is inherently difficult and unfair, and makes me want to go live alone in a cave somewhere, LOL.

Rider: I would miss you so much if you did that.

Me: I know. But you know the feeling, kind of? Like UGH WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE THAT WAY, LIFE? LIFE IS A VICIOUS BASTARD kind of a thing.
I hate it when the world and the things in it, especially the person I love the most, seem designed to poke at my tender places and make them hurt.

Rider: I never want to hurt you. <3 We're getting better at things all the time.

Me: I know you don't want to. And it's not even about you and what you would want to do. It's about how much it sucks that that there is something that we're inherently opposed on and it is negatively emotionally charged for me, but important to you. Just the fact that that condition exists sucks. And the fact that I know that you're not doing anything wrong by wanting it, because it's your life, so therefore inevitably it will be me, rather than you, who has to change, and I know it's going to be hard. So it makes me want to go and hide instead of putting myself through it. It's cowardice.

Rider: I can understand the initial urge to want to not deal with it because it looks like an ocean of work. I feel like that a lot, but after that initial moment of panic, I roll my sleeves up.

Me: I just know that working through it is going to hurt every time. It's not the work itself I'm afraid of—I've never been afraid of hard work—it's the pain that I'm afraid of. It's being a pussy, not being lazy. I just hope that it's like exercise and hurts LESS every time, at least.

Rider: I think as you think about it and deal with it more, it should de-traumatize it for you gradually, and in theory, it should become less painful. Maybe eventually not painful at all? Certainly, therapy would speed that process up if it's really, really bad.

Me: I don't currently have the time or money for it, but it won't always be that way.

Rider: We'll be there pretty soon, I think. Time is going by pretty quickly.

Me: Yeah...I just wish it were easy. I wish I didn't KNOW for a fact that I'm gonna hurt sometimes. I wish that I knew I was going to eventually reap some larger benefit other than "neutral state of not hurting" (which, I guess there is "keeping you happy"...and to some degree that is a benefit to me as well as to you).

I emailed the insurance to see what therapy would cost, in case that is the most painless way to go about it. I fear it will be expensive and also will be hard to fit into my work schedule, but it doesn't hurt to look. I don't want to unnecessarily restrict you because I have issues. But I also don't want to feel like "HOLY SHIT THIS SUCKS" may descend upon me at any moment without warning. Which is kind of how I feel now that I have recognized the problem.

Rider: We're smart. We will figure it out. We certainly want to be together, and we certainly want to be poly.

Me: It's where that old script fires up in my head that says you'd probably be better off without me and I'd be better off alone, but I'm trying not to listen to it.

Rider: I don't think I'd be better off without you at all

Me: If me = someone who might have an irrationally emotionally heightened reaction to any problems that come up within a specific set of circumstances..

Rider: That's fine. You're human. I have irrational responses to problems that come up within specific sets of circumstances as well. You know that. I'm working on it, and you're helping me a lot. It's certainly nothing to be ashamed of.

Me: I guess it's not shame, exactly...it's more like...I wish for you that you could have someone who was easier for you...who didn't have that problem. A feeling of guilt that I make your life more difficult.

And I wish for me that I could have someone who didn't actually like being pursued by other people, so I could just tuck that whole thing back to bed and not stare at it. A feeling of fear of the pain. But I know that if either of us found those people, they'd be wrong in a hundred other ways—like pulling the handle on the slot machine again and wishing for a cherry and getting one cherry but all the rest of the fruits are now wrong.

And on that note, I am going to stop thinking about this until I hear back from my insurance company or until you have someone approaching you that I have to consider. I think I have processed as far as I can on my own this week, and it's time to go back to having fun instead of wheel-spinning.

------------------

So that's about where I'm at with the whole thing. I have ferreted out a specific thing that is a root problem for me with poly—that reliably causes me to react in a heightened manner to problems that would otherwise be small and manageable. I know I have to deal with it. I suspect that dealing with it is going to put me through the emotional thresher repeatedly. And I'm so afraid of the pain that thinking about it is making my eyes tear up to type this.

I know that going through this is a price of admission for being with Rider. I know that it is the ethical, fair thing to do (rather than trying to put restrictions on him to protect myself from it). I know that it is a path to my growing as a person. I even know that Rider would do pretty much whatever he can to assist me, including slowing way the fuck down on anything that might come up if I am really struggling—I know that he thinks I'm worth it.

But I am not sure I see any way to accomplish progress for myself on this other than either dashing myself against the rocks of experience over and over until I either break my bones and drag myself away defeated or develop a callus and declare success—which will happen at its own pace as Rider finds and develops relationships—or finding the time/money for therapy (which seems unlikely right at this moment).

Since none of those is currently imminent, I am not going to let the spectre of the first hang over my head and ruin my good time otherwise.

However, I will take suggestions for a reading list of books and websites people might recommend for this issue—the basic issue being, to summarize, that I have a control-related flaw probably stemming from an alcoholic childhood environment that expresses itself as a heightened negative emotional response to things related to my partner's other relationships that I can't know in advance, which is most often triggered when someone is pursuing him (thus meaning he can't apprise me beforehand of moves being made).

I'm pausing spinning my wheels on it with what I can figure out for myself at this time, but welcoming of helpful new information/literature, in other words. If I can make progress while the pressure is off, maybe it will hurt me less when the pressure is on.

ETA: Maybe since I'm requesting recommendations, I will link this in one of the other sections...