The Best Life Yet

[Spork]

Isn't it something how most folks find honest poly so mind bending? Like just having "meaningless sex" in dishonest ways, that they can understand, but everybody being cool and happily non-mono, with feelings involved, and honesty involved...whoa...weird...

lol

I've run into that so many times.

In talking about endings... I have gone into relationships since the end of my marriage with some contemplation of how an end of it may look like. Mostly, that was in terms of some of the young people I've known and how I thought well, they would take it too hard. One guy was seriously pining (writing poems on FL even) about his last ex, and I'm like...let's just not. You are too heart-hungry for me right now. But mostly in the majority of my relationships, I don't want them to ever actually END. I want them to EVOLVE. When the time comes that one or both or all of us feels things are not fitting our lives or our needs, then shift the parameters, and try to evolve it into something like friendship, or chosen family even. If someone moves away, and you drift apart, but still connect occasionally, then that is fine. Mainly I feel like doing something like that is more organic, rather than the typical mainstream explosion of breakup drama that people do. I hear from folks ("muggles" lol) who are like, "Why would I ever speak to someone again after we break up? It hurts too much. I can't move on if they're in my life." I am the opposite of that. And being the way I am also makes it more viable for me to comfortably be part of a community which often includes people who are in shifting love and sex dynamics with each other...I have former lovers in my kink scene, and I'm not going to skip events because they're there. No awkwardness is required.

So I think maybe you and Dustin should encourage each other (especially you encouraging him, the way it sounds) to adopt that "in the moment" approach. Where instead of demanding some kind of specific end outcome or culturally programmed THING just because loving feelings are there...you continue to relish the wonderful thing so long as it is wonderful, and if one day it must end, try to see it as not ending, not failing, no drama, no heartbreak...but rather an organic evolution.

Life and love as a journey, not a destination, as it were. Stuff like that.

EDIT: Sometimes I feel like such a hippie.

 

[Reverie]

Isn't it something how most folks find honest poly so mind bending? Like just having "meaningless sex" in dishonest ways, that they can understand, but everybody being cool and happily non-mono, with feelings involved, and honesty involved...whoa...weird...

lol

I've run into that so many times.

In talking about endings... I have gone into relationships since the end of my marriage with some contemplation of how an end of it may look like. Mostly, that was in terms of some of the young people I've known and how I thought well, they would take it too hard. One guy was seriously pining (writing poems on FL even) about his last ex, and I'm like...let's just not. You are too heart-hungry for me right now. But mostly in the majority of my relationships, I don't want them to ever actually END. I want them to EVOLVE. When the time comes that one or both or all of us feels things are not fitting our lives or our needs, then shift the parameters, and try to evolve it into something like friendship, or chosen family even. If someone moves away, and you drift apart, but still connect occasionally, then that is fine. Mainly I feel like doing something like that is more organic, rather than the typical mainstream explosion of breakup drama that people do. I hear from folks ("muggles" lol) who are like, "Why would I ever speak to someone again after we break up? It hurts too much. I can't move on if they're in my life." I am the opposite of that. And being the way I am also makes it more viable for me to comfortably be part of a community which often includes people who are in shifting love and sex dynamics with each other...I have former lovers in my kink scene, and I'm not going to skip events because they're there. No awkwardness is required.

So I think maybe you and Dustin should encourage each other (especially you encouraging him, the way it sounds) to adopt that "in the moment" approach. Where instead of demanding some kind of specific end outcome or culturally programmed THING just because loving feelings are there...you continue to relish the wonderful thing so long as it is wonderful, and if one day it must end, try to see it as not ending, not failing, no drama, no heartbreak...but rather an organic evolution.

Life and love as a journey, not a destination, as it were. Stuff like that.

EDIT: Sometimes I feel like such a hippie.

I'm with you on ALL of these points. I do think it's a little funny that a couple weeks ago, I was learning how to do "in the moment" better from him, and now, suddenly, I'm reflecting that lesson back on him, as he seems to have forgotten. But it's only because I learned it from him that I'm capable of giving it back. In this, I think, we are good for each other.

 

[Reverie]

My life is moving too fast for me to keep up with the blog.

On my end, between the text convos I've had with Dustin and the IMs I've had with Rider and Jerry picking me up from my hotel and taking me to his pool for a delicious (and sanctioned) makeout session . . . I just don't even know how to say anything of import here.

And on Rider's end, the girl he met out drinking last night, and the girl who hit him up on OKC for a possible one-night stand tonight (his first!) and his plans to stalk the goth bar tomorrow . . .

Things are moving too fast for me to possibly explain and also do my work conference shit. I'll just have to check in with the summary and the outcome when I have a minute.

But everything is good and nothing (except work) is stressful!

 

[Reverie]

I don't have enough time (or current laptop battery) to go into the stuff I've talked about with Rider or Dustin (but it was all good).

I think I'll spend this few minutes briefly explaining about Jerry and about Rider's situations.

So, Jerry. To recap: he's an old friend of Rider's whom I kissed at my birthday party in 2015 and we established at that time that we'd like to do more but there was no chance. And then our friendship was mostly just, well, friendly after that, because there was never any chance. And then when he visited Rider and me in May, we ended up kissing at a party again.

My connection to him is unusual. He's the first like actually-only-just-friends FWB person I've really been interested in having. Caleb wasn't really much of a friend. Subsequent FWBs have been people I had sparkly more-than-friends feelings for but kept it at a friendship for logistical reasons. Jerry is . . . my homie. I feel about him like I feel about women I'm attracted to. I really like him as a person, and I'm really sexually attracted to him, but I can tell I'm never going to fall IN LOVE with him, though I already do love him dearly. Which is fine, since that would probably unnecessarily complicate things.

So he lives in this city that I've had to travel to for work this conference, and I'd previously told Rider that I was interested in doing stuff with him, and at that time, we'd processed things till he was cool with it. I wasn't sure that anything would actually happen, but I was super open to it.

Thursday after I flew in, he picked me up and took me to dinner. At the end of the night, there was just a kiss on the cheek. But Friday night, after I got done with work, we went out to his favorite bar, and we ended up kissing. And it was hot. So by the end of the night, we were topless in his pool, and then we tried to have sex but, as he explained to me, sex isn't always a thing his body will do, so we just did some other stuff.

Soon after I conclude typing this, I'll see him again, and I think he wants to try again. It's not the ideal situation, as I am seriously having my heavy day, but I don't know when the next opportunity will arise. We're almost always hanging out with Rider when we do see each other, and I don't see that particular group sex dynamic working. So we'll see what happens.

He's such a cool dude. SO FUCKING SMART, for the first thing. Like, a completely brilliant programmer. And then as sweet as pie, and with these chocolatey brown eyes that just melt me to the core. Not to mention a phenomenal kisser.

He's not without his complications, though, it's true. He's struggled with depression for most of his life, and he's a bigger dude but has lost a lot of weight so there is some skin stuff he is self-conscious about. Giving him physical love is like . . . I just want to express with my body how much I adore him as a person, to make him forget that he often literally feels uncomfortable in his own skin by making him feel lit up and worshipped. I want to make him feel as beautiful as I perceive him to be. I hope I succeed tonight.

I've been thinking a lot these past few weeks about sex as a concept. I don't think I've done enough thinking yet to summarize it here in any coherent way that makes sense, and maybe I'll never get around to typing it up, but there's something in it that ties into just the idea of . . . like . . . sex as an expression of not just romantic love, but also appreciation, also friendship, also art come to life.

The thing people keep telling me lately (well, Rider has always said it, but lately Dustin and Jerry also have) is that I am magic or made of magic. But I've always felt like I was actually just made of love—like loving is one of my two true callings (maybe I'll get to explaining the other one later), and it is the purest distillation of my talents in this world. Sometimes it feels like most of the other talents I possess (language finesse, music, cooking, visual arts, etc.) are tools to use to that purpose, to make people feel loved and happy and good. Maybe they look at love and see magic. Maybe love IS magic. I don't know.

I do know that starting as of like last week, I am beginning to sound like a hippie instead of a neurotic control freak.

Thanks, life.

As for Rider, well, he had so many cool things he was fixing to get into. He met a girl Thursday night and drank with her downtown all night, after never leaving downtown after work. (My control freak side had a moment of apprehension because WHAT ABOUT THE PETS IF HE DIDN'T COME HOME TILL MIDNIGHT?! but they survived. ) But it turns out that they decided they were better off friends.

And then he had a girl on OKC hit him up for a one-night stand (which he has never had before) while she was in town, and he had plans with other friends but had asked her to touch base with him during the night and they could meet up. But then she never did.

And then he had dual plans last night to try to meet girls at a concert he was attending and to try to make it to the goth club afterward to go hunting. But he didn't meet anyone at the concert, and it lasted long enough that he didn't make it to the club.

So today, he's been trawling through OKC, sending messages. He even offered himself up as a unicorn to a couple seeking a male toy. We shall see. I'm happy he's finally chosen to overcome his inertia, since he had explicitly told me that part of what bothered him about my being interested in Dustin is that he, himself, didn't have anyone else and didn't feel like looking. Neither of those things is on me, so I'm super happy he's taking steps to reduce his own discomfort.

I feel really good about everything right now.

 

[Reverie]

From whirlwind fast to slow and steady. I'm back from my conference as of the wee hours of yesterday morning, and life is back to its normal pace.

I did end up (sort of) having sex with Jerry. We had a good time, anyway. He's such a sweet dude, and I'm happy to have him as a distant, mostly-friends, FWB.

I got several very adorable texts from Dustin and sent him a nude that prominently featured the bracelet he'd given me. He claims that it is the hottest pic he's ever seen. He sent me a photo someone had taken of him right before his gig that day, which was on a yacht playing for a wedding. He looked super sexy, all in black and white, with a vest and a skinny tie.

I haven't heard from him since shortly after my plane touched down, when I'd texted him to say I just flew past his apartment. He said that he was just about to text me and that he wished I were in his bed.

Yesterday he left on tour again, so he's dropped out of communication. I'm a bit surprised at how little that bothers me. Where once I would have felt disappointment, right now, I only feel peace and faith.

Rider and I were due for both a processing conversation and also an agreements revisit. It was something we'd been planning for a while due to all the changes swirling around us.

We revisited my list from this blog about what I think of as an ideal FWB and what separates FWB from a "real relationship" that I'd written back when things were winding down with Jasper. I'd shown it to him at the time, but it seemed relevant to look at it again since I have Dustin and since Rider is actively seeking FWB now.

We also talked about putting "full poly" back on the table now that I'm feeling super relaxed about a ton of things. Seriously, nearly everything that used to upset me in the past currently just . . . doesn't. I'd told Rider that while I was gone it'd be fine if he wanted to bring a one-night stand into our bed—whereas before I tended to feel territorial about my bed. I don't feel like I need to meet people super soon after he meets them. That girl he drank with all evening the other night, literally the only thing that bothered me about it was the idea that he might be neglecting feeding the pets for too long—there was nothing in it at all of jealousy, only concern for the animals.

Rider said that given the FWB list, it sounds like that's really all he wants; he's not really interested in pursuing "full poly" right now like he was before. He said he doesn't feel like he has space in his life for an additional real relationship. I told him that he may have an easier time finding FWB if he lets people know there is an option for it to evolve into more if they both felt that way. He said that is a good point and that he'd be happy to have the option.

As for me, I feel like I could picture a future point at which I could want to do SOME of those more relationship-y things with Dustin. Not all of them, but enough that I think it would take the connection out of the realm of merely FWB. Specifically, I could see myself eventually enjoying a label, a vacation, and doing the hometown thing. And I already do give him scheduling priority merely because he's not around much. The other stuff, meh. Whether or not any of that will actually happen is anyone's guess. I've learned my lesson about trying to figure out where this thing with him is going. It's already gone so much further than I thought I would want, and yet I'm enjoying every moment. So who knows what I may end up wanting? I kinda just want it to keep going for as long as it works, at whatever intensity we can handle.

I told Rider that, and he was cool with it. He said, "Well, I guess we'll consider the relationship 'full poly' again if you decide you want him to be your boyfriend."

And that will not happen, if it's going to at all, until I know Dustin better and have a better idea about whether he is even capable of ethical non-monogamy. Our last conversations on it, which I documented here, seem to me to suggest that he's in the "curious but not convinced" camp. I mean, hypothetically, I think I *do* want a relationship with him, or at least my heart does—not now, but eventually. My mind, on the other hand, is skeptical.

Based on stuff we've talked about, I think the main issues would be these:

- Can I trust him to be honest about risk management, especially since he is in the "doesn't like condoms" camp and is out of town a lot? I don't even feel like I need to know who or even how many. Just protection level and whether or not it should probably be a testing time again. And would I, under this level of risk, ever be comfortable fluid-bonding with a person in this situation? I'm not sure.

- Can I give him what he would be looking for out of a relationship? Sure, he's not around a ton and likes a lot of his own freedom. But would he need a partner to always be available to him whenever he IS around—could he be satisfied with the limited number of days I'd inevitably be available to give him? And escalator stuff . . . he mentioned that the last relationship he DID have, he moved her into his place. I am pretty sure I could not give him a close enough approximation of that, if he happens to be looking for it.

- Will he be able to reconcile the idea of being with a married woman, and thus not being the "main partner"? I'm worried that being perceived as a "side piece" from the outside could get him flak and cause him to decide it's not worth it.

I know that he's kind of not had a traditional relationship, not even in the case where the girl had lived with him. He was gone a lot, cheated a lot on the road, and I guess she was mostly super busy with her work here in town.

So I think where my head is at on the topic is that I'm kinda hopeful that there is a possibility that he'll think about ethical non-monogamy and decide that given his availability (not around a lot) and his natural inclinations (not particularly sexually monogamous), then maybe a non-nesting relationship in which he has total freedom to do whatever he wants, but can still enjoy a deep and loving connection with someone, is actually a good fit. After all . . .

EVEN IF I were single, I can't do monogamy, and therefore I wouldn't with him.
EVEN IF I were single, I wouldn't be free from work to tour with him, so he'd still always be trying to hook up out on the road.
EVEN IF I were single, our schedules are almost entirely opposite, and so he'd still be sleeping while I'm at work, working during my leisure time, and taking his leisure time while I'm asleep.

If I were free to do so and we tried to do the "non-weird" thing, it would fail for these reasons right out of the gate. But maybe doing the weird thing, there is room for it to survive.

Today I ordered hard copies of some books in case he wants to borrow them. I figured if I bought them for myself and let him borrow them, instead of buying them for him, then he wouldn't feel any kind of obligation to read them if he didn't feel like it. Not that he would anyway, but I try to be aware of these things. I also bought him a(n unrelated) Stephen King novel that I am going to give him.

Last night after our processing/agreements discussion, I cooked and Rider and I had a very tasty dinner and caught up on Game of Thrones. Then we had sex and went to sleep. It was a very relaxing evening. We were both very happy we'd talked and connected and seem to be on the same page.

Tonight after dinner, we're going to meet up with a girl I previously met from OKC and decided would make a good friend. We're going to have some wine and chat. Tomorrow is band practice. Friday we have a lazy day planned. Saturday we're playing a show. Sunday Elena got us on the list for a festival that we wanted to go to. Her fiancé is in a super-famous band and she can get perks like that. So it's gonna be a busy week, but not in a bad way. And only a week to go until I get to see Dustin again.

I was thinking of giving the Kegelmaster a try again to see if it helps with the condom slippage thing. Maybe if I can be "grippier" it won't move around so much. I'd been using it a couple years ago but had happened to struggle with some yeast and UTI issues that made me decide to not mess with it and just let my body heal. But I seem to be totally in the clear for that stuff now, so maybe it's time to fire it back up again.

 

[Reverie]

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Dustin just texted me saying that it's "cool" that I ordered those books, and telling me that he's reserved our rooms for our weekend trip for his out-of-town show in a couple weeks. I. AM. SO. EXCITED!

Also, in the same five-minute stretch, Rider told me he's setting up an OKC date for next week sometime. He showed me the chick's profile and she sounds wicked cool.

And then, when trying to do the scheduling thing for that, it turned out that Rider didn't originally realize I'd meant my Wednesday date with Dustin to be an overnight (not sure if I'd communicated it poorly or whether he'd not been paying full attention or forgot—any is equally likely), and so we had a little minor Thing where he was stressed out about that happening "so soon" and before they really had a chance to hang out together.

I kinda feel like an overnight 4.5 weeks after starting to see each other is not all that soon—it was close to about or even less than that for pretty much everyone else we've seen over the duration of this thing. And I'm supposed to be trying to figure out a hangout for them when I talk to Dustin during that date—they've already technically met, just haven't "hung out" much.

We resolved it in record time, though. Rider said if it's something I want to do, he doesn't want to be the reason I can't do it.

I dare say we are beginning to get decent at this.

 

[Reverie]

Hello, blog that is the only place where I can talk about Dustin things because I'm trying not to spew outside NRE all over Rider and Oona doesn't give a fuck and I'm not all that close to anyone else. Welcome to another episode of Reverie-word-vomit.

So Dustin just texted me a picture of some sunflower seeds, which, as you may recall from last week, our mutual love of them was something we'd bonded over. And then that began the longest text conversation we've ever had so far, which actually concluded with a sign-off ("Kisses!") which is pretty rare for him. Often he just vanishes from the conversation, distracted by something in front of him.

He said so many sweet things and told me that one of the rooms he booked for our trip contained an interesting (if rather macabre) piece of music history, and the other was at an actually way nicer hotel than I would normally stay at, with a room with a private patio. I suppose he's feeling flush with cash from this upcoming tour leg.

He did tell me that there's a small chance that he won't make it back in time for our scheduled date this next Wednesday. They may add some gigs on, and they are driving a long way back from where they'll be, so Wednesday may come and go before they're back. That's OK—if that's how it has to be, I'll find some time for him during the weekend. I knew when I signed up for this that it'd kinda be that way.

 

[Reverie]

I just had SUCH a good conversation over IM with Rider about poly stuff, ranging all the way back to revisiting some stuff from 2014–2015 and talking about how much better both of us are doing with everything now than we were then, and talking about how much easier things get the more experience each of us gets in each possible relationship role.

I also realized that time-wise, I have more days under my belt with Dustin than I had with Jasper before Jasper ended it the first time. And he seems to be going for it even harder rather than pulling away.

All of this is making me hopeful that once we get the thing out of the way where Dustin and Rider hang out a bit, and once Dustin does some reading, maybe this is a ship that can actually stay afloat.

I love Rider so much, and we communicate so well so much of the time.

 

[Reverie]

Hmm. Here's a thing I've been processing this morning. I had sent Dustin a goodnight text, and, while I was sleeping, got this in return:

[ picture of hotel bed with guitar on it ]

"Hey Baby! Just hanging in my room for the night with my other girlfriend Hoping to pass out in a minute. Soooo freaking tired. Gonna nickname her after you. Everything is going good, just missing you like crazy. Hope you're swell and you get some rest, see you soon... Can't wait!"

And I thought that was all super sweet, and it warmed my heart, and then I paused to think. Wait. "Other girlfriend"? Implying that I'm the first girlfriend? I know it was a joke, but it's the first time that term was bandied about.

I had a long think. Do I laugh it off as the joke that it is and let it slide? Do I mention it to Rider? (Because, knowing Rider, this is the kind of thing that if I don't mention it and then he finds out somehow—say, he asks me when the term first came up and I have to answer honestly—it'll bug him.) Do I say something to Dustin? Am I just overreacting too much?

I decided to laugh it off to Dustin and not say anything unless it comes up again.

My response to him was this: "She's cute! But hopefully you can find livelier company than that tonight so you don't miss me too much. Though I miss you like crazy too. I actually slept really well...maybe I should run before bed every night."

And I decided to mention it to Rider but say that it seemed to be mostly a joke and I don't want to take it too seriously. Rider seemed to think I should say something when I see him. That seems like overkill to me. I'm nearly 100% sure that, if it's a thing, there will be new opportunity to talk about labels when Dustin and I see each other.

But I did want to talk to Oona about it. Oona is better than anyone else I've ever met at staving off labels until she's ready to agree to them. She will date someone for months and months and months before she accepts a label or does the "Facebook official" thing. I think it may have been close to a year for Toby, and, to my knowledge, the last guy she lived with—even though she lived with him—never got the label or the social media acknowledgment. She also has a habit of making "sex friends" that she's physically attracted to but knows they are not boyfriend material because she's not intellectually or emotionally attracted to them.

So explained the text and I asked her: what do I say if it goes past joking in that way? How do I express tactfully that I'm not wanting the "girlfriend" label at this time, if it comes up?

I wanted to record my conversation with her here for future reference, because it's a lesson I need, and not jumping into things too quickly is a skill I'm actively working on. This seems like the best spot for it because I can just bookmark the post.

Oona: Just let him know that you don't take labels lightly or too quickly, and if he's ever to refer to you that way, it would only be after a discussion with you, and also a discussion between you and Rider. And that, yeah, it's too early to even have that discussion as of yet.

Me: OK, that’s a good way of looking at it. Thanks. We’ve only known each other for a month! I’m SO not ready to be going full-bore relationship with this person I barely know, even though I like him a ton.

Oona: And also, you JUST got married—let Rider enjoy the hubby label a bit before you're introducing a boyfriend, I'd say. Enjoy being husband and wife without interference in the label category. You've got all the time in the world for that—I think just have fun and enjoy being a new wife.

Me: Yeah, that’s a good point too. I hadn’t considered that one yet. That’s what I’m trying to do, for sure. I just want to be tactful about it, lol.

Oona: Well, he's "dating" a married woman—he should be understanding that there are some things that can't just be pushed too quickly.

Me: I’m definitely not opposed to things going there with him eventually—IF it all lines up right, and time passes, and there’s no big drama or trouble, and he shows me he can handle this kind of relationship shape. But he’s totally in trial mode right now. He’s never even tried to do anything like this. So I understand it may explode spectacularly, and I don’t want to label anything till I see if it’ll fly. Caution like this is a new skill I’m working on, lol.

I may need more of your help along the way, as it’s something you seem to be exceedingly good at. I know I don’t ask your advice much anymore due to our very different relationship styles, but this is definitely an area that I think applies across any style of relationship. Thanks!

Oona: No problem.

Me: Like, you know how you say you have a hard time not letting feelings translate to actions sometimes when it comes to anger or frustration? I totally have that same thing but with love-related feelings. I’m trying to teach myself to take a deep breath and not do anything stupid. LOL. I believe I can, indeed, tame the wild beast, but it currently has naughty habits that need to be retrained.

Oona: I think the main thing is you know yourself, and remind yourself of that knowledge. KNOW that you tend to have very strong feelings of love right off the bat, but many times that's just lust. So knowing that, proceed with caution, because you may end up misleading if you jump in too fast. Remember that every guy is on his best behavior at first! There will be things, habits, flaws, etc., that reveal themselves over time.

I remember when you thought for a little while there that [person I dated briefly in 2010] was the love of your life...only to realize later that he was actually too immature. Feel out the situation OVER TIME before you apply a label.

Me: Yes, that I have realized I need to do.

Oona: And if you know someone isn't boyfriend material, don't let yourself be be slowly worked in that direction as you get comfortable. That's a big one—a great sex friend rule for me, personally.

Me: Also I am trying to somehow teach the same thing to Dustin while learning it myself. He said to me at lunch last week “you’re perfect—I don’t see any flaws in you.” and I wryly said “don’t worry, you will!” and he about fell out laughing, but I was dead serious!

Trying to teach someone something you’re just learning yourself is super hard. But I kinda learned how to do it in grad school That’s basically all grad school is.

The concept of “boyfriend material” is looser for me, of course, since I already have a main partner. People told me Dustin wasn't "boyfriend material" but I am coming to believe they were basing it on standards of monogamy.

Oona: It's easy for me because I only make sex friends of dudes I know I wouldn't date! All my sex friends have been dudes that I was attracted to sexually, but not intellectually/emotionally, so that makes it easy. I've always felt, though, sensitive about people being associated to me by labels.

Me: If I were looking for a primary, or for a monogamous relationship, Dustin wouldn’t cut it because a) he’s gone all the time, b) he’s an impossible cheater, and c) his friends would annoy me too much if I had to hang out with them all the time.

But I do think he COULD possibly be boyfriend material, because he’s sweet, smart, a reader, and I’m very attracted to him. And I don’t need him to be monogamous to me, so the “cheating” part is a non-issue. The true test will be whether he can handle ETHICAL non-monogamy Like, can he really be OK with having a GF who is married. If he can’t, then he’s not the right fit. And I know for a fact it’s gonna take time to suss that out.

Oona: Yeah, time will tell.

Me: It seems a good sign that he’s asked about and is willing to read the books. But I also know he finds the entire concept damned strange, so it’d be needing to overcome a lifetime of programming. What happens will happen, I guess. I just don’t plan on letting him believe it is otherwise—that he’s got me hooked and labeled, lol. Thanks for the advice and for listening. It’s helpful to have some wider perspective.

 

[Reverie]

Unrelated to any of the above, Rider has been talking to two girls on OKC right now. One of them lives near where he works, but is writing back pretty slowly now that they are actually trying to plan something. The other seems eager to meet but splits her time between living about 45 minutes away from here with a partner and living some hours away. She won't be over this way till next weekend. Hopefully one or both of them will shake out to be something interesting for him. They both seem like various types of up his alley.

I decided to invite Cherry to the fanclub dinner that I'm having for Rider and his friends next weekend. She also likes that band and will get the jokes on the menu, and she and Rider get along really well. Rider is happy to have her on the guest list. And Cherry was VERY excited to be invited.

And I'm super excited that my other chick friend—I'll call her Ayuki because she's half-Japanese—is going to be coming to our performance tomorrow. This is the friend that Perry referred me to learn about Dustin from. I am not sure if I gave any backstory about my connection to her, but I first met her in 2009 at Perry's house, and I was there with Oona, and we clicked instantly. She became my MySpace friend (since that was still kind of a thing back then) and we hung out once more with Perry, on psychedelics, before I got involved with The Ex who generally frowned on my driving the two hours here and spending debaucherous weekends with Perry, Mel, and crew.

And then I moved away, and MySpace stopped being a thing, and I hadn't forgotten her (because I still saw her in Perry's Facebook photos sometimes as she's one of his favorite models) but I feared she'd forgotten me, so I never added her.

And she had indeed forgotten me, but when I re-met her a few weeks ago, we clicked instantly all over again. It is clear that we are meant to be friends! (We may have also kissed a few times that night. )

She has really deep roots within that branch of the friend-family tree, so it was kind of inevitable that I'd run into her again. She's dated a few of the core group members (including Perry's old roommate, and Dustin's bestie) and slept with a bunch more, including Dustin. And, as I said, is one of Perry's favorite art models. She's as sweet as pie, and I'm super happy to have reconnected with her. She actually switched her work schedule around to come to our show! I'm looking forward to becoming closer friends with her.

I feel like a year and a half into moving back here, I am having the best social life that I, as an introverted person who moves around a lot, have ever had. I've got my core group of homies back (Oona, Mel, Perry), along with peripheral members of that group such as Dustin and Ayuki who have been making my life interesting; I've got Rider and his ever-growing circle of his own friends that he makes so easily everywhere he goes; and then I have the whole Elena/Val/etc. group that I met thanks to Beckett's friendship with Elena. And then Cherry as a totally new person that I'm bringing into the mix, and there's one more cool chick friend I met through Jasper, which both originated through OKC.

I think . . . I need to stop branching out to new branches after this, lol, or I'm not going to have time to nurture my existing friendships. Still, it's nice to know so many cool people—artists and musicians and nature aficionados and general freaks and geeks. It seems I have truly found my home!

 

[Reverie]

I actually haven't heard from Dustin since that last text he sent me that I posted about here. My zen-about-limited-contact thing apparently has about a three-day area of effect because I started to get a little sad about it late last night. My guess is that I'll probably hear from him this afternoon once he wakes up, because AFAIK this is the day they planned to travel back, and when he was texting me the most the other day was while they were on the road.

Since he'd previously told me he didn't mind if I texted him whenever or texted a bunch between his texts, I've sent him a little thing or two every day—not the kind of thing that requires any kind of response, so no worries when there never was one. But this morning I just texted him a "hey, how's it going?" just to see what's actually up. I probably won't text again after that till I hear from him.

I was doing really good for the first three days about having faith that he still likes me even when I'm not hearing from him, but as I roll into day 4, those sneaky little thoughts have started to creep in. I'm trying to beat them back with logic, but they come in wearing a little layer of sadness and bump up against the inside of my brain, leaving smudges of sadness all over my emotions.

The thoughts are stuff like "what if the time and distance have made him see that he doesn't actually want to be with me—that this relationship shape is too hard?" (The logic answer to that is, of course, that if that's true, then ending before it really takes off is the better course anyway, so I shouldn't be too sad about it.)

Or stuff like "maybe while he has been up there, he's met someone he likes better than me and is choosing to focus all his energy on that person from now on." (The logic answer to that is basically "so what—if that's true there's nothing to be done about it.")

Or stuff like "maybe his friends were somehow able to talk him out of wanting to be with me by hating on the situation." (The logic answer to that is that I have ZERO evidence that that is the case, and Dustin's bestie actually "liked" a comment I left on an Instagram photo, so that's probably not true at all. My brain is pretty much just making shit up.)

I've been following the band's progress pretty closely through his bestie's social media (dude is a more prolific poster than Dustin, but still not super active, posting maybe once or twice most days), and I have seen some of the fun adventures in nature they've been doing in the daytime before the shows. So he's at least alive, I tell myself.

From what I know of Dustin, he is probably both in and out of cell reception and when in reception just not even looking at his phone that much while he takes in the adventure he's on. The first evidence I've seen of him actually even being online since I last talked to him was a comment at three-something this morning on a post someone recently tagged him in.

But yeah, I definitely seem to have bumped up against the outer limit of the zen thing and am actively working on trying to expand that space. Because what else is different other than time? Nothing is. I have no evidence that anything is wrong. It's just stupid NRE-brain feeling the pinch of not getting its hit of attention from the NRE object, and it's making me obsess a little.

OK, maybe more than a little. In order to satisfy my desire for something I could not at the moment have, I have totally done a bit of internet stalking and discovered a YouTube channel with some videos of a band he was in that he actually fronted. And I may have watched them a time or two. It's a little embarrassing that I felt the need to do that, but ugh I just missed him so much and wanted to feel closer to him through his music. But I'm not gonna do that again today. Today I'm just going to focus on getting work done, and if I hear from him, I hear from him. And if I don't, I'm going to keep forcing myself to remember that I have no evidence that anything is actually wrong.

My weekend was actually really good. Saturday I ran errands with Rider, including getting supplies to make bracelets for Dustin and Rider. I was originally going to just make one for Dustin because the whole reason was to give him one in return since he gave me one, but then Rider looked super envious so I let him pick out a design and am going to make him one too. Then I dyed my hair so I would have fresh hair for our performance.

The performance went great. Ayuki did end up making it out, so we hung with her and then there was an afterparty at Perry's. We didn't make it home till 5 a.m.

(continued . . . )

 

[Reverie]

( . . . continued from previous)

Sunday I had to get some stuff done before the festival that Elena had gotten us into, mostly working on my bike. As I worked, Rider and I chatted some more about poly-related things, and we had a bit of a circular conversation. We revisited the question of comfort with "full poly" and I told him that I think I am totally OK with it at this point—I think I've worked through all the stuff that was stressing me out in the winter and spring. And he told me he's actually not OK with it at this point because he's fearful that if he did say he was OK with it then I'd want to upgrade Dustin instantly. He said he didn't want to consider it till he made sure he was cool with Dustin.

I reiterated what I've told him before (and have said here) about needing more time to figure Dustin out before knowing whether or not it would even be a good idea to take things to the next level with him. And I told him that I was not talking about the Reverie+Dustin connection here, but was rather talking about the Reverie+Rider relationship and which shape we want that to take. My most recent stance on that may have been informed by insights I've learned by opening my mind more in order to make the thing with Dustin work, but I have not changed my stance on poly for the purpose of starting a relationship with Dustin. I was talking about my relationship with Rider in general. If Dustin ceases to be a thing, I don't think I'll change my mind. I don't think I can unlearn the cool stuff I've learned lately.

Rider said he'd be more open to full poly if one of the connections he's trying to make ends up clicking. I was trying to help him see that the shape of our relationship should just be about us and not about Dustin or Cherry or new people Rider is meeting or anyone else, and that if we're making decisions about our relationship because of other people that's kind of being reactive instead of proactive, which I don't think is what I want.

I actually couldn't phrase that the right way to get him to understand, though, so after trying a few times to explain it, I gave up. I do remain slightly baffled because it seems to me like it's a simple enough concept. I also find it confusing because up until super recently, every time we'd have conversations that mentioned "full poly again," Rider always said that was something he wanted to make our way back to, and I always told him I'd keep working on trying to be capable of it, and narrowing my obstacles down till, hopefully, one day there would be none.

Here was one relatively recent time we'd talked about it (with the conversation in question taking place 6/2, as things with Jasper were just ending and before I met Dustin):

We talked about how the biggest issues that still remain about the whole thing in my mind are these:

a) I'm still wary of the idea of competing demands for time or conflicting time slots when we're already so busy. I really hate losing control over any part of my schedule when I'm such a busy person, and there's really no way to keep the kind of control I want that would be FAIR if Rider had another relationship.

b) The processing associated with that time competition—my god, the processing. It's actually fun to have processing conversations when nothing is at stake. But when the pressure is on and I have to choose between being happy or being fair, it's a sleep-depriving, work-distracting, heart-pounding kind of stressful.

c) I've actually gotten really unused to sleeping alone and am in no particular hurry to subject myself to that in the circumstance of my partner being with another partner. Yes, I know that I have had overnights with Jasper, and those times Rider has had to put up with that exact thing, but I feel how I feel, even if it's a little hypocritical. I think I'd be fine doing no overnights with a new FWB, but if Rider or I were advertising "available for real relationship" to someone, most people will (rightly!) eventually desire overnights from us.

But the reason I keep still turning the poly idea over in my head is that I really just know it's easier for men (Rider) to have success when relationship things are also on the table. There seem to be comparatively few women on OKC looking for FWB. I do feel bad that it is far easier for me to find casual connections than it is for him. Just like how the opposite was always true during poly: it was always way easier for him to find functioning relationship situations than it was for me. I'd like to make things more fair. I'm just really hesitant about the stuff I listed above.

So all three of those things do not currently bother me. I've gotten more zen about the schedule and control things, and the idea of nights of sleeping alone strikes no fear into my heart—indeed, Rider was just off on a five-day vacation without me at the beginning of this month. I also have more energy for processing lately now that the shitshow of this presidency seems to be unraveling, and now that I don't have that stressful connection with Jasper going on anymore. It's crazy how much that mismatch in what Jasper and I wanted depleted me. I'm still super busy, but I'm in far less emotional turmoil and have learned new coping skills, so I'm better equipped to handle stuff.

If those three things were the things standing between us and full poly, and those things are no longer an issue, then I thought we should just be able to go for it if we want to. But he doesn't want to anymore.

And I guess I'm fine with that—after all, it was me who wanted to take a break from it in the first place—but something feels quite icky to me about deciding our relationship shape based on what is or isn't happening with others. To me, there is a definite difference between making the decision before anything is pressing or before we for-sure want to escalate a particular relationship on the one hand, and making it when one of us reaches the point where we definitely do want to jump right into a relationship with someone else. And Rider basically wants to make that decision based on how much he likes Dustin (or doesn't). I think that literally the only thing that should affect whether Rider and I are in a poly relationship should be "do Rider and I want to be in a relationship of that shape?"

In reference to the quoted conversation above, it's like we both identified a goal at the beginning of June: eventually get back to full poly. Then I identified obstacles to that goal, with the hopes of working on them till they were removed. Then I learned some things that allowed me to shatter the obstacles. And now the path to the goal should be clear, but somehow the way that I learned to clear my obstacles (through brain-hacking myself till I learned how to be more relaxed, so that I could hang out with Dustin without going insane) has, in itself, become an obstacle for Rider because it involved another person. And now Rider has an obstacle of "whether or not he will like Dustin."

I almost feel like that's borderline veto-y, in a way that is hard to explain, so I'll try to lay it out here in bullets to clarify it in my own mind.

- Rider wanted poly.
- I wanted poly eventually if I could get there but was uncertain how long it would take to get there; was actively working on self to that end.
- Meeting Dustin helped teach me to relax.
- I am now way more chill and can do the thing that Rider wants.
- Except now Rider doesn't want it anymore.
- I'm uncertain whether or not it would make sense to escalate Dustin from FWB to more if that option were on the table—only time and my interactions with Dustin himself will tell.
- The option is not currently on the table.
- Whether or not the option to escalate ANYONE (on either of our sides) from FWB to more is depending on how much Rider likes Dustin.
- If Rider doesn't like Dustin then what? No poly ever? No poly till Dustin isn't a thing?
- If no poly ever, only FWB, what happens if it turns out that (for me) the relationship with Dustin does want to get bigger than FWB? Then my "differences between FWB and relationships" does not become a descriptive listing of what is what, it becomes a new set of rules. That seems . . . unwise. Like courting disaster, maybe.
- If we are literally determining our relationship shape based on having the goal of keeping one relationship smaller than it might want to be, that is the part that seems veto-y. Like "I don't like this guy, so I'm going to choose to not-want something that I actually want just to make sure he doesn't come too close, in the hopes that he eventually gives up and goes away."
- I'm not sure how I can be close and genuine with Dustin if I'm constantly worrying about whether the things we do fall too far into the "relationship" category and are becoming cheating or something.
- Seems like a recipe for hurting Dustin if he really does care for me as much as he says.
- If things don't end up working out with Dustin (say, if these days of silence are actually early ghosting), is Rider going to suddenly be on board with poly again? Or is he going to put off talking about it till one of us meets someone again?

I'm just like . . . if I'd learned these same lessons from a book, or from the forums here, or from sheer introspections, and there were no Dustin to catalyze the reaction, I'm pretty sure Rider would be feeling joyous. Maybe if not exactly veto-y, I do feel at least some sense of the messenger being put on trial and possibly killed for the crime of enlightening me.

(continued . . .)

 

[Reverie]

( . . . continued from previous)

In essence, it seems like the bottom line is "I want us to be poly but I might not want you to be poly with this particular person." That's why it seems kinda veto-y to me. Because (and Rider said this himself) if it was Jasper, who Rider viewed as nonthreatening, that I were still seeing, then Rider would have been "yay, poly!" but because it's Dustin that I'm seeing, then Rider might not want poly. That means it's not really about the poly, but about the person, right? And it's not really about wanting poly or not wanting poly, it's about not wanting that person to get too close.

I think that untangles it a bit. That was all kind of rambly, but I found it helpful. Anyway, we did end on a good note, despite my ongoing processing here about it and continued sense today that something isn't quite right about it. We were able to put it down and focus on other stuff, and we had a really good time at the festival and I felt super in love with Rider all day.

At the festival, I saw SO MANY GOOD BANDS including one of my favorites. Their set made me cry three times. And then toward the end of the night while Rider was off watching another show, Elena briefly took me backstage to use the bathrooms and the frontman of the band her fiancé is in just like casually walked by on his way to the stage and stopped to hug her and say something in her ear, and I had to try really hard not to stare because this person's music was a HUGE part of my life from about 12–20 or so. I still sometimes include his songs in mixes even though I haven't so much followed the later albums. It was just super surreal to be hanging out in the same space as him. My life is weird these days, haha.

Rider and I were again out late and up super late, so I am dragging a bit today. After nine days straight of work (since I did a conference last weekend) and then playing a show and then going to that festival, I have really not had a lot of downtime. I'm hoping that this evening I can just chill out and maybe work on those bracelets.

 

[breathemusic]

Rather than the poly or not-poly thing being about the person (Dustin) is it possible that it's more just about concern over increasing the perceived imbalance in the relationship? If he fears you and Dustin immediately going all serious, he might be concerned that he's going to be stuck feeling like he's the one being left to find his own thing to do all the time while you're happily off with another partner. I mean, wasn't that ultimately a big part of why you wanted to put the brakes on the full poly, since you have noticed that you're much more selective about who you really click with?

I guess I'm just pointing out that his concern might be that it could appear as though you're only ok with the full poly when you have full poly potential in sight, but then what happens if that imbalance comes up again?

I'm not saying that is, in fact, true. It could also just be a matter of the timing of when you've managed to do your processing. Plus, work and other life things were intense there for some time, etc. But maybe it just looks that way? Especially since he's now basically in the same boat you were in. He's the one with the imbalance of partners, and so now he's the one that is feeling less comfortable with full-poly. Just something that came to mind when I was reading through!

 

[Reverie]

Rather than the poly or not-poly thing being about the person (Dustin) is it possible that it's more just about concern over increasing the perceived imbalance in the relationship? If he fears you and Dustin immediately going all serious, he might be concerned that he's going to be stuck feeling like he's the one being left to find his own thing to do all the time while you're happily off with another partner. I mean, wasn't that ultimately a big part of why you wanted to put the brakes on the full poly, since you have noticed that you're much more selective about who you really click with?

I guess I'm just pointing out that his concern might be that it could appear as though you're only ok with the full poly when you have full poly potential in sight, but then what happens if that imbalance comes up again?

So I actually ended up copy/pasting my blog post for him to read, and it turned out that we'd mostly just misunderstood each other. I *knew* our conversation seemed like we were missing each other, and now I understand why. I am (and he also is) super glad I wrote all that out and let him read it.

He let me know that all he really wanted to do was to put off the transition back to "full poly" off until after they'd hung out, just because he found the conversation itself stressful right now before he experiences the calming demystification of making Dustin a "real person" to him. He definitely still wants poly, he's just not ready to process the change at this exact moment and wants to put the conversation off till he's a little less emotionally volatile. Which is totally fair! He said that if he and Dustin don't like each other, that'll be a separate problem in itself, but he also said that seems highly unlikely.

As for this part "[might it appear that]...you're only ok with the full poly when you have full poly potential in sight, but then what happens if that imbalance comes up again?" . . . that was something I tried to address in this part of my post where I said this: "If Dustin ceases to be a thing, I don't think I'll change my mind. I don't think I can unlearn the cool stuff I've learned lately." I think Rider trusts me that I'm not going to flip-flop when things are no longer convenient. It's really hard to explain, though—I feel SO MUCH BETTER about everything. Even before, when I did have someone I was seeing, the thought of certain things would bother me. All of that stress has just basically evaporated as I've learned some lessons about going with the flow. It's almost like magic!

Also, my waiting and logicking myself out of too much panic has paid off! As predicted, Dustin just texted me back from the road a moment ago. They are heading home from the tour, and he still sounds super excited to see me. TAKE THAT, silly brain-monsters! I was telling Rider this morning that it's actually super good for me to find the boundary of how long between communications starts to wear on me, that way I can actively work on stretching it—and I can't do that without practice.

Today, silly brain-monsters got to learn that if three days pass without hearing from him, it doesn't mean that anything has changed between us. It only means that three days have passed. Literally that is all. So maybe now that the brain-monsters know that, they will stop bothering me altogether. It's amazing how helpful learning to be brave and have faith is. All of these challenges are just new opportunities to learn. Discomfort sometimes leads to growth.

I'm feeling super happy and hopeful again, and totally like I'm learning every day to be a better version of myself.

 

[breathemusic]

That's so good to hear it was just a bit of miscommunication! And yeah, I definitely feel like from what you've blogged, you've processed through a ton of stuff over the past few months. I just didn't know how much of that has been on your own in this blog, and how much of that Rider actually knows about and has seen, hence my "perceived" comment! But yay for the things working out!

 

[Spork]

I think the scenario-test of this is...

Suppose the Dustin thing goes horribly sideways and flames out, and you don't have any other viable partners for a while, like imagine a serious dry spell of extramarital action on the Reverie side, months, or a year even. And imagine that Rider, meanwhile, has found someone great and is doing all the NRE stuff and enjoying his other relationship during this time. Today you and he agreed to full-poly, tomorrow everything goes south, six months from now he's polying along and you're only in a relationship with him and nothing else is working out. Are you still ok with full-poly, or do you allow your situation to make you want "something else" in terms of your relationship shape and dynamics overall?

I have seen where situational emotional processing from STUFF going on has nudged you to talk about "maybe this doesn't work for me, maybe I want something different" and it has happened enough times...it has been noticeable. I'd say that this is what you want to avoid now, and I do think it would be great to evolve past that (with an eye towards checking yourself from doing it in the future)...and I also think that the perception of this being a thing could influence Rider's processing. Like right now he is linking his position on "full poly" to the handling of "The Dustin Situation" (TDS! lol) Maybe differentiate the two and don't talk about them as the same thing.

And also perhaps appreciate Rider putting on the brakes, since you want to make sure you don't roll too fast anyhow right? See him as your helper in this. That could be a good thing!

 

[Reverie]

I think the scenario-test of this is...

Suppose the Dustin thing goes horribly sideways and flames out, and you don't have any other viable partners for a while, like imagine a serious dry spell of extramarital action on the Reverie side, months, or a year even. And imagine that Rider, meanwhile, has found someone great and is doing all the NRE stuff and enjoying his other relationship during this time. Today you and he agreed to full-poly, tomorrow everything goes south, six months from now he's polying along and you're only in a relationship with him and nothing else is working out. Are you still ok with full-poly, or do you allow your situation to make you want "something else" in terms of your relationship shape and dynamics overall?

That scenario definitely sounds . . . trying. Though months or a year doesn't sound terribly long to me in the scheme of things, seeing as how we paused full poly in January, I think it was, and that six months has just flown by!

For a great many obvious reasons, I am very much hoping that does not happen. Some of the obvious reasons being that I do kind of feel like after years of imbalance it was high time for a change, and also that I just really like Dustin and hope it continues to be a thing for at least a while longer.

But there are also less obvious reasons, too, I think. One is that it's proving to be very informing to my perspective to be in the position I'm currently in. I haven't been in exactly this spot yet—the spot where I have found a connection with someone who was locally based AND also seemed truly interested in seeing where things go with me (i.e., was not just in it for the sex) AND I really dug them. Everyone else was always missing one of those three things.

Even if it ends up being a relatively short connection, it's been a huge boost to my perception of possible reward just to experience that people like that do exist (or at least one does so there are probably more). Before this (kind of evident in the 6/2 convo I recently quoted), I was still trying to work toward full poly, but kind of with a sense of sacrifice and resignation—"I'll get there eventually for Rider"—and felt like maybe it just wasn't in the cards for me to experience the positive side of any of it. And, you know, maybe it's still not. Dustin is by no means a sure thing on the poly front. But I do see possibility, and that's enough to pull my hopes up out of the dirt and dust them off.

Another less-obvious reason is that I feel like I am progressing faster on my control issues and emotional balance with a carrot in front of me, and whatever ground I can gain in that time before the carrot is taken away benefits Rider too. There are some things I'm learning that I haven't fully figured out how to put into words here yet, but a broad approximation is something like . . . so the backstory being that I have these tendencies stemming from childhood issues, and at the worst times, they result in freakouts in certain situations that feel too far out of my control, and it's like a deeper realization of how not only is it impossible to bring anything under my control other than myself, but literally freakouts are when I lose control over myself—the one thing I do technically have control over in the scheme of things. So, like, instead of worrying about whatever external shit, I should instead put the brunt of my energy and intellect toward brain-hacking myself.

And I've been so-so about devising brain-hacks before—I at least could do it sometimes and knew it was possible—but I really feel like my ability in that realm has shot up by leaps and bounds. I have always had really powerful problem-solving faculties, and I've always applied them as hard as I can to a situation when there is a problem to solve . . . but, as it turns out, applying them to the SITUATION is of limited use. Applying them to MYSELF is the longer-lasting solution. Does any of that make sense? It makes sense inside my head, but some of it is so abstract in there that I'm not sure I'm using language properly to describe it.

Like right now he is linking his position on "full poly" to the handling of "The Dustin Situation" (TDS! lol) Maybe differentiate the two and don't talk about them as the same thing.

That's actually the exact thing I was trying to do here:

"And I told him that I was not talking about the Reverie+Dustin connection here, but was rather talking about the Reverie+Rider relationship and which shape we want that to take. My most recent stance on that may have been informed by insights I've learned by opening my mind more in order to make the thing with Dustin work, but I have not changed my stance on poly for the purpose of starting a relationship with Dustin. I was talking about my relationship with Rider in general . . . I was trying to help him see that the shape of our relationship should just be about us and not about Dustin or Cherry or new people Rider is meeting or anyone else, and that if we're making decisions about our relationship because of other people that's kind of being reactive instead of proactive, which I don't think is what I want."

I believe it's really important to tease apart what Rider and I want for our own relationship vs. what that means for our connections to other people. The Dustin Situation may actually never escalate past what it is already, but the changes my own mind has undergone are, I think, a lasting effect of closer scrutiny of some stuff that was going on in my head, and Dustin was just the trigger that made me choose to look.

To me, there is a HUGE difference between "I met a person who so distracted me from the things about poly I found to be stressful that now I feel like I can do it again" and "I met a person who so challenged the way that I think about things that my mind actually changed, and now I feel like I can do it again." In the first case, the benefit only exists while the person is around. In the second case, the benefit exists independent of any associated relationship(s). It's sort of a "teach a man to fish" thing, except I kind of feel like I taught myself, though someone did hand me the rod.

And also perhaps appreciate Rider putting on the brakes, since you want to make sure you don't roll too fast anyhow right? See him as your helper in this. That could be a good thing!

Yeah, for sure, I'm not interested in things escalating too quickly. My initial thought was kind of like "it'd be good to have the conversation BEFORE things DO get to that point, that way we're prepared if the moment arrives" but his was more like "the conversation is too stressful right now, and it'll be OK to cross that bridge when we get to it, if we ever do." It's a pretty basic difference between him and me—I am always trying to be prepared for possibilities, and he's very much a "deal with a situation if it arises" person. We both tend to default to our natural mode, and sometimes one or the other of us needs to give the other one a poke if the other approach is actually better for a particular issue. I couldn't see any drawbacks in doing it his way this time, so we were able to agree.

 

[Reverie]

I did get to have a bit of a texting exchange with Dustin yesterday, during and after my post here. We had a few short volleys, and then a while after, he sent me a picture of a mountain he was passing. It was nice. I know the rest of the band flew back, so it was only Dustin and his bestie driving back—something like a 14-hour drive altogether. They stopped at about the halfway point last night, I think.

I spent a good chunk of time on the phone with Oona yesterday. She's going through another breakup with Toby, and she had told me that the evening is the time she feels the most anxiety, so I called her on my way home from work and we talked for a couple hours. I think this is the third or maybe even fourth time they've broken up. I know they both really love each other, but it is clear that their incompatibilities are difficult or even impossible to surmount.

Back when Toby and Oona were just friends and then barely starting to date, I hadn't met him yet, and I thought just from her stories that he would be a great match for her. But then I met him in person and I was so confused. He didn't seem to me like someone Oona would end up with, in a few different ways. And a lot of times the issues that they have stem from things related to those things I was surprised about. I don't know if it will be for good this time or not. I thought that back in January, and I was wrong. I'm just trying to be an ear for her at this time.

Honestly, though, I do believe she can do better. Not "better" as in I think Toby's a bad person or inadequate as a person, because I don't. Just "better" as in a better fit for Oona. She, however, likes new guys even less often than I do. I'm usually at a pace of about one per calendar year, and she can go years in between.

Attraction is so weird. I was talking to Rider about it the other day. The topic had come up because a friend had been like "I'm not into [X type of physical characteristic of people]" and Rider and I were agreeing that it's hard to rule people out that broadly. My "picker" (as my aunt once put it) is super picky, it's true, but it doesn't seem to TRULY have a type. I have a historic type of guys who will turn my head based on aesthetics alone (super-skinny, striking features, often dark hair and light eyes), but when it comes to actual sexual attraction, my range of pure characteristics people have recently had is pretty wide, from stick thin to overweight; from my own short little height to Rider's foot taller; any shade of hair, eyes, etc.; any income level, from broke as fuck to driving a Tesla; any talents from mathy types to pure artists; the subby ones and the more dominant ones; the fashionable ones and the super-not-caring ones; the full, long heads of hair and the ones with receding hairlines.

Really, the only things they have all had in common are being smart, cuddly, and charming, with sweet hearts (even if they're buried under tough exteriors). I think there absolutely must be some kind of pheromonal component that I am hypersensitive to, because even though I just listed a range that includes almost anyone, I like almost no one. How can I be open to almost anyone, but then actually spark with almost no one? It's as much a mystery to me as it is to anyone else. I wouldn't have picked Dustin out of a lineup visually, but I'm willing to bet that if we'd been in one of those psych-lab T-shirt experiments, I'd have picked him every time. My heart races sometimes even just remembering his scent. Chemistry—so weird.

Anyway, I digress.

After talking to Oona, I sat down to work on the bracelet I was making for Dustin. The pattern I picked ended up being too confusing for me. It was on Pinterest and I think it just wasn't very well explained. Luckily I found a new pattern that was also cute and that worked with the supplies I'd bought. I used dark blue cord and little turquoise-colored glass beads. I think it turned out pretty well! I hope it fits him well. I think his bones are pretty big compared to mine (I'm always surprised by how solid he feels and how sturdy his hands are), so I tried to make it with that in mind, and I erred on the side of larger rather than smaller.

Rider and I watched Game of Thrones while I worked, though Rider fell asleep and will need to re-watch. It was funny trying to keep a very playful kitten off my lap while I wove cords.

I stayed totally sober yesterday, feeling the need to dry out a bit after the long weekend of partying. Rider, on the other hand, had been drinking beer and has also taken to smoking a bit of pot in the evenings. Neither of us ever used to smoke—it had a terrible effect on us—but over the course of the past year or year and a half, we've been working on ramping up our tolerance to THC through small doses (and then bigger doses) of edibles, to the point where we both can, a little, without suffering the ill effects. However, I still usually prefer not to, as it makes me very sleepy, and as I tend to have a million other constructive things I'd rather be doing, and it makes me useless.

Rider IMed me this morning, saying he felt a bit of a depression coming on. I immediately wondered if it was the effects of so much casual indulgence in the evenings. He said he thinks it is not the substances themselves, but rather that they make him lazy and then he doesn't make art or do anything else productive, and that makes him feel bad.

He said he also felt bad about squandering time when we could have been connecting. I reminded him that I was working on a project anyway, so not to beat himself up about that—plus, we'd just spent basically a week together constantly in each other's company unless at work. We did a lot of stuff, but it was all together. He said he still felt like he wanted to connect more intensely, so he asked that I tie him up tonight after we finish our chores. I'm totally down with that—it sounds like fun. I'm already looking forward to it a whole lot, fantasizing about his smooth, cool, freckly skin under my fingertips. We make magic together.

Tomorrow's going to be a big day for me. I have to interview prospective assistants (and interviewing is such a nerve-racking thing for me), and it is also hypothetically going to be my first overnight with Dustin. I AM SO EXCITED TO FINALLY SEE HIM AGAIN. It's been two full weeks! I have survived.

I've been doing a lot of reflecting on time frames in relationships. I met Dustin over a month ago, but it's only been three and a half weeks since the first time we kissed—the first time we hung out after exchanging contact info, kinda-sorta a date. This is still a super-baby-fledgling thing, whatever it is.

The three-to-four-week point after first "date" has been the point in my other two most notable local connections where shit started to go awry. Beckett ended things I think four weeks to the day after they began. Jasper and I had three lovely weeks before he tried to end things and then halfway changed his mind. We managed to make something out of what was left of that for nearly six months, but it was often fraught and not quite what either of us wanted.

So I have kind of this idea in my mind that this early window in fledgling strong connections is sort of a crucible, where the heat of the chemistry will either strengthen or shatter the connection. I'm not really sure what will happen this time. There is something within me telling me it's likelier to strengthen this time. But at the same time, my thoughts keep flitting back to one of the conversations we had last time I saw him. I don't think it's one of the ones I recounted here.

"We could just stop right now," he said, half joking, but only half, I could tell.

"Well, sure, we could," I replied. Hesitated. Decided to be brave. "I don't think I'd like that very much, though."

"Me neither," he admitted, and snuggled closer. "But what if it's the best idea?"

"If it's what you want, sure. We can stop right now. We'll both survive," I said.

"But what if it's the worst idea?" he said, starting to giggle.

"Sure sounds like the worst idea to me," I replied.

That conversation rolls around in my mind sometimes like dice. Like there is a battle going on between his heart (which wants to keep me) and his brain (which does not yet understand ethical non-monogamy and is terrified for poor Heart), and there is only a coin-flip of a chance of Heart winning that battle the next time they find themselves on the field.

So we'll see. No expectations and only a dollop of hope.

 

[Mya]

Interesting ponderings! I'm glad to see you and Rider getting on the same page eventually. I hope the full-poly negotiations go well when you start having them.

The "heart wants this, but brain is worried about heartbreak" seems to be a really common problem. I've been there so many times myself and have seen people I've been interested in battling with the same thing. I guess we all know how much it can hurt when you have deep feelings for someone and you don't get what you want from them, and that makes us scared to live and love in the moment. I really hope Dustin gets his head and heart around poly and it all works out beautifully!