The Best Life Yet

Aye, it's ye olde Monogamy Hangover lol. "I feel these big amazing things, and it's like I gotta DO SOMETHING about it or I'll go nuts!"

I really hope he comes to comprehend that just because you feel just as high on him, as he feels on you, doesn't mean that you feel lesser things for Rider. That the freedom to write your own script is really what this is about, and it is part of YOU...the woman he loves...that she also loves her husband. That you're not fading out on Rider just because you're so in love with Dustin and that isn't gonna happen. But there is plenty of room for both in your life and your heart. That people just don't HAVE to choose one mate, that is social conditioning, and breaking free of it is a radical form of individual expression. It's cool like that. All that jolly good poly-mojo. I hope he can really absorb it sooner or later, and relax, enjoy what he has, instead of worrying about what he doesn't.

Yes, yes, and yes. All of this. I also really hope that he comes to see that it's a good deal FOR HIM too. Because, eventually, the NRE will wear off, and he'll be out somewhere and be tempted, and maybe then he'll realize that if I demanded monogamy of him, I would also be demanding a lie from him.
 
Had to do a bit of processing with Rider again this eve. He'd expressed interest in seeing some pics from my trip, so I showed him a few. It was nothing too risqué (I'd purposely already plucked anything NSFW or make-out-y out of my stash into a private album) but there was one mirror selfie with Dustin's and my bare shoulders showing that I'd figured was OK because nothing was showing and most people would interpret it as we were wearing swimwear. It was a pretty zoomed in pic, nearly all neck and head, and I could have easily been wearing a strapless bathing suit. I just liked it a lot for the way our faces looked. Well, Rider knows I don't currently own a strapless bathing suit, so he asked, "Is that a naked selfie?" and I admitted that, yes, there had been nothing on below the camera's view.

This caused a little meltdown on Rider's part, and it was unexpected to both of us, I think. He'd been so cool about everything for a week, including sex things, and I'd been so cool about his sex with Viv (even laughing it off when I found a sliver of condom wrapper on my nightstand rather than getting a pang despite Rider having promised to clean everything up) and I'd just thought we were past that.

But we talked it out and were OK. Rider still doesn't know exactly why that picture affected him so much—he knows we're having sex and I'd already told him, as I'd told y'all, about being able to spend a lot of time naked due to the private courtyard, and he hadn't minded any of that. But I told him I'd be more careful with my pics in the future and not allow him to see anything that could suggest nudity, whether or not there actually was nudity.

Rider also spent some time reading more of More Than Two and said it helped him a lot. I'm glad. I remember it really helping me when I was struggling too. He's trying so hard, and I love him so much. 💕
 
The not seeing Dustin for days at a time thing, and not necessarily getting any texts within a 24-hour space—it doesn't make me anxious about status anymore, and it doesn't make me upset with him. All that stuff I've relaxed about, and early on.

But holy shit, the missing him.

It's an acute physical sensation that starts in my chest and travels down to my wrists. It HURTS. And I involuntarily make it worse by fantasizing, pining, and obsessing. Refreshing Facebook like I'm waiting for grad school acceptance. Putting together a playlist of songs that had significance for us last weekend. Imagining every inch of him in my mind to the point where I can vividly experience the ghost of him with every sense.

I think he feels the same way. He sent me a series of texts yesterday morning (TECHNICALLY more than 24 hours ago, lol) that said, "I really miss you. All that could make me feel better right now is holding you tight. I think I've fallen deeply in love with you...That, or I'm becoming obsessed with you. Either way, I want you so bad. If I could, I'd sew you to my side."

We agreed that even soon would not be soon enough, but that we would survive. So here I am, surviving.

You know, barely.
 
Man, I went from pining to total squee town in the blink of an eye. Over the space of an hour, the following occurred:

- I pre-ordered Indian dinner for me and Rider to cheer me up
- Rider and I bought Aurora her plane ticket to come out and visit us for her birthday in October
- Rider told me he's feeling SO MUCH BETTER than he did yesterday re: Dustin things
- Dustin texted me pictures of the beautiful nature he's hanging out in and said sweeeeeet things to me; I've arranged to call him on the phone later to work out plans for tomorrow
- Ayuki confirmed that she can go hiking with me on Sunday
- Rider and I scheduled a chastity date for Sunday night

Oddly, Aurora is a year even younger than I thought she was? I must have mis-heard her the first time. She's turning 25 and I thought she did that last year. Eh, whatever. She's awesome! :)

Also, I managed to get these instructions from Reddit to actually work for how to add multiple partners to Facebook under "family." Rider and I were testing them out together. Our idea is that, as our relationships become more serious, we may wish to change our relationship status from "married" and linked to each other, to "in an open relationship" linking no one, but with him listed as "husband" under the family section of mine, me as "wife" under the family section of his, and then anyone else we might get serious about as "partner" under the family section. I already have Oona listed as that, because it used to be a selectable option. Now you have to hack it to get it to work. BUT I DID IT! I love pulling off weird new tricks! :D

We're not pulling the trigger on "Facebook Official" with anyone literally this moment, but I feel like things with Dustin are getting to be right around the corner from official/labels/etc. I've known him for seven weeks now, dating for almost six, and after the vacationing and the fluid-bonding and sentiments exchanged, it feels like just about time. A trip away with someone, in their company for long car rides and endless hours, is a really good way to get to know them a lot better, and we both feel MORE positive after that instead of less so. I wouldn't be surprised if it happens tomorrow or whenever the next time I see him after that is. I think we both want it at this point.

It's not just me interested in the Facebook stuff either. Rider said he thinks it'd be great for poly visibility to have our relationship status as open and be able to list multiple "partners," plus he loves the idea of my being listed as "wife" under his family. ❤️

If anyone had asked me 6 or 7 months ago whether I'd be this comfortable with everything I am currently comfortable with, I would have looked at them like they were crazy. But here we are . . .
 
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I had seen the FB thing before, but didn't realize it actually worked. I don't know that I'm ready to pull that button yet - need to at least filter a few bits of family first - but it's intriguing.
 
I had seen the FB thing before, but didn't realize it actually worked. I don't know that I'm ready to pull that button yet - need to at least filter a few bits of family first - but it's intriguing.

This is what the things look like listed in the family section. Oona is the "partner" at the top (having been there since like 2010 at least) and Rider is my "husband" (both info blurred for anonymity). Rider and I tested whether they could both be "partner" (checking to make sure it wasn't a single-slot bag, as it were), and there was no problem having them both listed that way. :)

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ETA: I've been out as non-monogamous to my family since 2014, so the family thing is not an issue for me. I did let my mom know we were thinking of closing it down, when that was going on, but it kind of never actually happened, and she knows about Dustin. She thinks I'm kooky, but she deals.
 
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Earlier tonight, I was working on my next batch of books, and I was bemoaning to Rider the sheer distraction power of my NRE. "It's like a constant pull on my brain—in fact, the LAST time I was working on books for this very series, it was in early summer of 2014 and the same shit was happening but over YOU! I can't stop checking my phone and social media to see if there's a 'new episode of boy on the internet.'" And we had a hearty chuckle about it.

And then literally minutes later, I got this text from Dustin:

"You make me check my phone way too much to see if you texted me. I miss you like crazy and can't stop thinking and talking about you. It's starting to annoy my friends but I don't care! You make me feel something I don't ever think I've ever felt before ♡♡♡"

Like, is it possible that a 40-year-old man has never come across NRE? :p An NRE-newbie? Heavens, what have I gotten myself into? (I think it's something good, though!)
 
Good morning, internet! Man, this week is a mad dash. I don't think I mentioned it here because my brain was all up in la-la land yesterday, but my band picked up a show in the next county over tomorrow, which we had not heretofore done. We'll be opening for a post-punk cover band, and I feel like their audience will likely dig our music, so hopefully we will gain some new fans. But what that means is that this week has looked / will look like this:

Monday - Wake up at Dustin's after only a few hours of sleep. Go to work all day. Come home and try to reconnect with Rider through residual hangover and sleep deprivation.

Tuesday - Go to work all day. Come home and work on my books.

Wednesday - Go to work all day. Come home and work on my books.

Today - Pack music gear into the car and pack for overnight with Dustin. Work all day. Hang out with Dustin. Drop music gear off at Perry's so it doesn't get stolen out of the car overnight. Go to Dustin's show. Try to get some sleep—he won't be sleeping, as he flies east to see his family early in the morning.

Tomorrow - Wake up at Dustin's. Drag the amp he's lending me out to the car. Go to work all day. Rider is meeting me at work. Drive by Perry's and pick up the rest of the gear. Drive probably for 1.5–2 hours to the venue. Play.

Saturday - Go back over to Perry's to record. Work on my books more while the others do their parts. Head home in time to go to the all-night outdoor movie marathon I'm going to with Rider, Oona, and Toby. It ends after 4:00 a.m.

Sunday - Sleep in. Hike with Ayuki and possibly Cherry. Chastity date with Rider in an especially dark restaurant where no one will see me grope under his kilt.

On top of all of this, my belly is pissed at me today about something. Possibly the "extra spicy" I added to the Indian food yesterday, though that doesn't normally bother me much. Possibly it's all the cranberry juice I've been drinking to keep last week's UTI (which came back a little due to the amount I drank last weekend) at bay. Maybe some combination. Ugh. I'd take some probiotics but—TMI warning!—they always cause anal itching for me, for some reason, no fucking bueno. So I'm just sighing through it for now. Hopefully it subsides before I go to see Dustin. Rider was really nice about it this morning, taking care of some of my normal morning tasks for me while I alternately packed and suffered.

In Rider news, he's a little bummed that Viv is heading off to the desert for a few days to watch the meteor shower. First his wife, now his FWB. He'd hoped to see her tonight for a date stack. I told him that if he needs me to make myself scarce for a few hours early next week so they can have the house to themselves, I will find something to do. Dustin won't be back till Wednesday, but maybe I could go to Cherry's for a while or something, see her new place.

I was a little disappointed in Rider yesterday when it came out in conversation that he had not inquired about Viv's testing status or birth control method before they'd had sex. IMO, that's like adult-sexuality-101 type of stuff, and especially the BC conversation if one is having heterosexual sex and is a cis male. They used a condom, of course, but the conversation is still important. He could tell I was disappointed (though I was trying not to be a dick about it) and felt bad, and made a testing appointment for himself for Monday (just to double-check for oral stuff). I didn't require that; he did it of his own volition. So that's cool.

It'd be pretty ironic if, for all the worry Rider has had about Dustin and his gallivanting rock-star ways, some kind of critter entered on the Rider side instead, due to forgetting/neglecting to even talk about stuff. Dustin and I had an STI and BC conversation before we even saw each other naked—not the specifics of the BC, just my saying "I have the most foolproof method out there outside of abstinence, so no need to worry." But Rider hadn't gotten any such information from Viv. I'm not stressed out about it because nothing bad happened and Rider now knows better. But I know how badly he does NOT want kids, so it's just surprising to me he's not at least apprising himself of the risk he may be taking. He's only had one condom mishap in his life, and I've only had three, but they do happen! Our lives would certainly change if he knocked someone up and they decided to keep it. I'd deal, but it'd be a whole new set of challenges.

All in all, though, things are good. We're all happy at the moment. Any bumps in the road we hit, we've been able to smooth them over with record speed AND also feel like we learned something from each and every challenge. It really does feel like we're entering something of a poly golden era for us. When I look back on it, my relationship with Rider has had these phases:

6/2013–2/2014: Acquaintance and friendship, developing crush
2/2014–10/2014: Started dating; everything amazing NRE town
10/2014–10/2015: Lots of weird poly difficulties (Claire->me; me->Kelly)
10/2015–11/2016: Semi-mono out of laziness pre/post-move—amazing times
11/2016–6/2017: Poly crisis of faith and wedding stress
6/2017–present: Maybe we've actually figured some shit out, lol

Time will tell what happens next . . .
 
An IM convo with Rider just inspired me to summarize everything that's not 100% platonic or is date related happening with whom.

Dustin - On the verge of becoming my boyfriend—we click on all levels and I'm madly in love with him.

Cherry - I'm more attracted to her every time we hang out, but we haven't done more than kiss yet; skewing heavily hetero-romantic, I'm more inspired by her than usual, but it's likely never going to get too intense.

Ayuki - Currently feeling asexual but likes to kiss me, so we're just kissy-friends at this point. Has also hooked up with Dustin in the past and actually recommended him to me.

Jerry - Long-distance friend, but we definitely hooked up last visit; he will be a VERY occasional FWB, with a strong emphasis on the friends side since I have no romantic interest there.

Aurora - My younger FWB that I think is also interested in Rider and is coming out to visit us in October—who knows what will happen? :p

Viv - Rider is definitely interested in seeing where things go with her romantically, since they seem to click a lot, but it's still super new and they've only had sex the once.

Allie - Long-distance FWB that we both used to hook up with but my feelings have turned platonic. Rider is still super into her and has dates planned with her over Labor Day weekend when he flies back.

Girl 2 - Rider thinks that one is going to end up platonic, but they did have a nice date.

I think I'm like two shakes of a lamb's tail from needing a polycule diagram again, haha.
 
I'm once again operating at a Dustin-induced sleep deficit. At least last night I took it pretty easy on the booze. When I got to his house, we cuddled a bit, then decided that dinner should be home-cooked, for once. We were slightly short on time, having only two hours before he needed I offered to make a shrimp stir-fry, and he was all about it. We did a bit of grocery shopping, then returned to his place. While I cooked, he kept putting on songs he said made him think of me while we were apart. He said he'd kept trying to text me but there'd been no phone reception, so he just listened to songs and thought about me instead.

He loved the food I made. While we ate, we looked through some of his family photos from a trip he took back to his family's ancestral homeland. After that, we spent a while cuddling and talking. During which . . .

. . . we had the "official relationship" conversation! So. I have a boyfriend. :eek: :)

All too soon, it was time to run out the door. I had to drop some gear off at Perry's, and he had to drop some gear off at his friend's house, so we took separate cars at met up later at the bar where his show was.

He was obviously taking great delight in introducing me around as his girlfriend. Once again, his friends, in turn, cornered me for a moment alone and casually 20-questions-ed me. I laughed about it with Dustin later, and he said, "They're all just shocked because I'm now doing exactly the opposite of what I've always been about."

"And what is that," I asked.

"Oh, you know. Keep it casual. Don't let anything stick," he said. "But you've changed all that. I want to do everything with you. I want you around all the time. That guy over there," he pointed to the other fellow in the night's duo, "I talked his ear off about you for TWO HOURS in the mountains."

And, indeed, when the introduction was made, I received a sly "Well, I've certainly heard a lot about you!" :cool:

The night wore on. The music was good. A rotating cast of random stranger dudes approached me, interested, but seeing the direction of my gaze, asked, "That's your boyfriend, huh?" And I could nod and not be lying. One particular white-haired older gentleman winked at me and said, "You know that guitar player, don't you? Yeah, I thought so!" And the proceeded to tell me how he comes there nearly every week to watch him play.

Then it was midnight and the third set was over. We packed up and headed back. Ate leftovers. Dustin packed his bags for his trip, making a big show of trying to fit me into his suitcase.

"If you wanted to come with me, I'd buy you a ticket right at the counter. You should! Come with me!" But he knew I actually couldn't. Plus, I'm not sure I'm ready for "fly home to meet the extended family at a baptism" yet. Twenty questions from all the friends in the bar is pressure enough for a rather shy and introverted person at this point. :rolleyes:

While packing, he picked Sex at Dawn and The Ethical Slut up from the nightstand. "So . . . which of these should I start with?" he asked. I told him that one is more science and theory, and the other more application, and suggested that he start with the science for background. He tossed the book into his bag.

Then it was time for (great) sex. And (a little bit of) sleep. Then more (sleepy) sex. Then the Lyft was called and he was gone. I was able to sleep in for a few more hours, but I still didn't get nearly enough. Maybe a total of four hours. But we planned to Facetime at some point over the trip, and also to talk on the phone.

Rider is really happy for me. I'm really happy. Dustin is really happy.

I'm just tired as fuck, is all. Twelve more hours (after work, after gig), and it'll be time to go home.
 
I've been re-listening to the Sex at Dawn audiobook in preparation to discuss it with Dustin, if he would like. I'm almost to the end, and got to this quote (abridged in the book, but I found the full version online):

“Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don't blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being "in love", which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.”

― Louis de Bernières, Captain Corelli's Mandolin

I'm so lucky to have both right now. :D
 
I've been kind of hesitating posting this because it's a bit more woo-woo and "spoopy" than I usually get, but I finally decided that it was relevant.

So, you all may remember this moment from earlier in my blog:

After the gastropub, he wanted to take me to a famous historic hotel nearby, which has a fancy bar with fancy drinks. . . .

Then we found a tiny (almost closet-sized) room with a little empty bar that appeared to be dungeon themed, though it did have a window visible through the bars. We hadn't seen anyone else up on that floor at all, so we took advantage of the solitude to make out furiously. Ugh, I am so attracted to him.

When Dustin and I were up in that little completely deserted, closet-sized fake dungeon bar in the hotel, there were speakers nested in the corners, and as we started kissing, a song came on. And it's a very slow and groovy good makeout song that I remembered from years ago but had only recently rediscovered maybe last year via Pandora and learned the name of. And we stopped making out for a second while I tried to remember the name, joking about my bad memory (which is sort of the thing that brought us together), and we made out some more (it's a slightly long song), and suddenly I remembered and blurted out the name. And Dustin had patted me and said, "See, you can remember things!" and we'd gone back to making out.

Well, ever since then, it's reminded me of him. When I was prepping for the fan club dinner, it came on my Pandora, and I got full-body chills remembering the time in the "dungeon."

So, that's the backstory.

The real story is this:

In our hotel room in the desert the second night, I'd been fixing us a couple of drinks over by the sink, and Dustin and I were talking about teenage music experiences. And I told him that my first concert was when I was 13, and my dad had taken me under kind of unusual circumstances, sneaking both of us in over a back fence, because he was a daredevil and a party animal and a rebel. My dad passed in 2005, but I always felt like I kind of grew up to be the perfect mix of his wild side and my mom's dependable loving stability.

So I'm telling Dustin the story of this crazy thing I'd done with my dad, and all of a sudden, one of Dustin's little travel bags that had been solidly up on a shelf JUMPED off the shelf with a thud. It was across the room from both of us and neither of us had touched it in hours. He and I looked at each other like, "WTF?!" and then the Pandora station, which had been playing a Radiohead song, stopped in the middle, like a record scratch, and started playing "In the Waiting Line." And the recurring lyric in that song is "do you believe in what you see?"

And Dustin and I were just completely like, "Is this actually happening? Are you experiencing what I'm experiencing?"

We kind of just held our breaths and stared at each other, then looked around the room wildly.

"Hello?" I said.

"Uh, nice to meet you," said Dustin.

And we were both really just completely mindblown and a little freaked out whenever we'd think about it for the rest of the night.

So, extra backstory on my dad is that he was—fancied himself to be, anyway—a witch and a shaman. He had a whole room dedicated to ritual with books on alternative spiritualities, etc. Growing up with him was the reason I was pagan from the ages of about 12 to about 24, before I got to the science classes of university and wrote it all off. He was convinced he could shapeshift, but I always thought it was just the drugs talking, even when I was a believer. :rolleyes:

But I've had a handful of REALLY crazy experiences involving him, including him visiting me in a dream on the night that he passed, before I knew he was dead. The other "woo-woo" thing about me is that I've always had dreams that come true. Ever since I was a kid. All the other shit I can usually write off, but not that, because it happens to me. Dustin and I had talked about it at one point, and he says he has them too.

So I just feel like . . . two people, me and Dustin, who have that weird, involuntary portal to another world, being out in the desert and just altered enough and . . . there was enough of a rift in space-time for my dad to visit.

Now, I know I sound batshit insane. And I accept that. If it were pretty much anyone telling me this shit, I'd think they were. But it happened. Just like the dreams happen. So.

Part of the reason I'm so into Dustin is that we seem to make legit magic together. Not just that one hotel room experience, but . . . the world falls into place. I feel like we're partially creating it instead of just living in it. I've never met anyone where that happened before. I feel like we become wizards or something when we're together, lol.

And now that you all think I've completely lost my mind, back to my regularly scheduled rationality. :cool:
 
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Oh, I don't know...

I always WANT to be so very sane and dependably rational. I like to think I am very in touch with reality. I like to say I don't believe in anything "paranormal" or "supernatural" but that doesn't mean I don't believe in the things, I just believe that whatever there is, is both normal and natural even if humans don't have the science (yet?) to understand it. I mean, watch a good long documentary on theoretical physics sometime right? We're all still trying to figure out reality. There is a lot we don't know. All the woo-woo is just our attempts to try and impose our guesswork on things we don't really have numbers and science to quantify yet, but that doesn't mean it's outside of nature. So I try to be both open-minded and also skeptical, at the same time. I think the key (for me personally) is to simply experience things without trying to frame them with my own explanations which I cannot prove.

However, I have personally experienced very little in the way of...shall we say, "spooky" phenomena. Despite going to some places that have to be haunted if anywhere is, such as Waverly Hills Sanitorium, which I visited back in 2006. I did not feel anything frightening there, just an overwhelming sense of sadness and...history. There is an odd heavy, but euphoric feeling that I associate with old places. They make a person want to be still.

I am happy for you, that you are getting to experience these things. I think perhaps the world will be a very boring place if we ever truly and completely understand everything that happens to us.
 
I am happy for you, that you are getting to experience these things. I think perhaps the world will be a very boring place if we ever truly and completely understand everything that happens to us.

Thanks. It's nice to know that at least one person doesn't think I'm totally crazy. :cool:
 
This past weekend was insanely busy. Friday was my band's show. That went really well. It was the biggest stage we'd played on to date, and there were a bunch of complete strangers who ended up gathering to hear us, which was cool. We got a bunch of new Facebook and IG adds.

After the show, I ended up having to break up some domestic dispute thing that was happening outside of a late night diner we stopped at—crazy. I just got them to calm down and let them know I was watching them, and then I alerted the restaurant staff so they could keep an eye out and call the police if necessary. Then Rider and I ate our food and went home and passed the fuck out.

Saturday involved getting up early to go to Perry's and start laying down the first tracks for our record we're working on. Then off to meet Oona and Toby for all-night outdoor movies. I fell asleep during on movie 2 out of 3. I guess I needed the sleep.

Sunday had me dropping Rider off for more recording, then hiking with Ayuki—good girl talk time. She told me more about how she came to be hooking up with Dustin for a while, so long ago. Apparently she was rather obsessed with his bestie (who she later ended up dating) but the bestie would just fuck her and then blow her off, and Dustin came to her defense, telling his friend he should give her a chance at more. Dustin was so kind to her and supportive of her that she ended up taking solace in his arms for a while instead till the original guy came around to giving her a chance. She said she's still not 100% over that other dude, but she knows being with him again would never work.

After the hike, Ayuki and I went back to Perry's to pick Rider up. Rider and I had a chastity date scheduled, so we took Ayuki to her friend's place. Her friend was having a little party, and she turned out to be also the same girl who is Dustin's friend who cornered me in the desert asking me all about my relationship with him and then came to hang out with us at the hotel pool the next day. Funny! She invited us in for a glass of wine. It was a little surreal with Rider there, when the last time I'd seen her I'd been wrapped around Dustin.

In an interesting conversational turn, a friend who was visiting them from the east coast started bemoaning how this guy she's been seeing, with whom she is madly in love, has been telling her that he doesn't know if he wants a relationship unless it can be open. I piped up that I am actually in an open relationship, and Rider said he was too, and then a fellow in the corner said that he was, too. So out of eight of us out on this chick's patio, three were in open relationships, and she was very interested in picking our brains.

We tried to be pretty representative of the good and the bad. The other guy there was talking about how it sucks for him that the woman he's been with for two years can't live with him, because she lives with a guy she's been with for twelve years. I had a little pang of guilt thinking of Dustin and how (though it is insanely early for him to be considering it) he mentions all the time that I'd be welcome to move in with him.

A while into that conversation, Dustin texted me asking if I had time to talk on the phone for a while before he went to sleep. So I went up to the main level of the house and talked to him for about 20 minutes. He'd tried to FaceTime me earlier, but it was when I was driving back from the hike, so I couldn't look at the screen much. Ayuki had been holding it up for me and talking to him some, herself, but it was not ideal.

But the phone conversation was good. Dustin was saying how weird it was to be having an amazing time with his family and yet just missing me so much and wishing I could be there with him. He said I must come with him next time. I told him I was totally down as long as he gave me enough advance notice, and as long as it was next year after my days off reset.

After the phone conversation ended, I scooped Rider up and said my goodbyes, and we went off to our chastity date. We had originally planned to do dinner, but it got kind of late, so we just had a drink out and then returned home for homemade drinks, conversation, and kinky sex.

(continued . . . )
 
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( . . . continued from previous)

Rider and I had such a good conversation. I'd been kind of carrying this weight around in my heart, fearing that things could eventually naturally escalate with Dustin to places that Rider would be very unhappy with them going (since we'd originally said we weren't interested in outside escalator relationships), and that—despite my genuinely wanting them both—one situation (or both!) might eventually have to end, either because artificial barriers would need to be set (leading to someone, maybe even me, getting resentful), or because too much had changed, or for any number of reasons.

I'd first started feeling this heavy pensiveness after the last time I'd seen Dustin, when he'd given me the keys to his apartment and told me I could stay there all weekend if I wanted. And he'd said to me, "You feel like family already. Loving you is the easiest thing I've ever done."

And I'm feeling the same way, really, but that feeling also made me feel terrified for my connection to Rider. Not that I would want to leave him—I don't, and I can't even imagine wanting to, I really can't—but I feared that Rider himself might choose to opt out if things go intense-escalator at some point with Dustin. I've mentioned here before that I am have gotten to a point where I am just super "never say never" about anything with Dustin. Because every time I thought "oh, this couldn't possibly XYZ" then the very next thing that happened was XYZ. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

My feelings, and indeed sometimes the entire fucking universe, seem to have a mind of their own surrounding this one, and any plan that I might want to make quickly seems outdated and like fighting to keep it is actually the silly thing. Lessons in letting go, every step of the way.

So, anyway, last night I confessed to Rider all my fears about the unknowable future—how I have no idea where or how far things with Dustin (or any other person I may not have met yet, really) will go, and how I was deeply afraid that there would come a point or a time when Rider would feel shown up and bail, since, after all, multiple escalators is not what he signed up for. I shared my fear that in order to keep Rider, I’d need to quash some part of myself, or not pursue some currently unknowable thing that I might eventually want, and my related fear that, in doing that, I could end up growing stony and resentful.

It was a really hard thing for me to say out loud, and I was shaking like a leaf as I did it. I told Rider that I want to stay with him and make it work no matter what, that I want to overcome every obstacle with him, even if it's one I've dragged into our path myself somehow. Even if it means we have to reconfigure our relationship into different phases and shapes along the path of our life together, I told him that I promise to always work with him, and to always make time for him.

Rider's response? Relief!

He was, above all, relieved that I intended to make it work and keep making time for him. He had been worried about a similar thing—that if I got to some unspecified particular point with Dustin, I might cut and run, going off to quasi-mono-land. He was so happy and relieved to hear that no matter how deep I get with Dustin, and no matter what I might end up doing/wanting on the other end of things, I do still intend to keep things up with him and make them work on his end too.

We talked for a long time about how life is long, and how people necessarily grow and change, and we want to keep the kind of openness to each other that allows us to accept how each other grows and changes, and how our wants and needs might shift and change and evolve. If we can keep meeting each other where we are in each moment in time, and keep loving each other for the good-hearted beings that we are, we can always be together.

I was also incredibly relieved. I could not believe how heavy that subconscious, invisible burden had been on me. I didn't even realize what it was till Saturday night at the movies. I just knew that I'd felt weird and heavy and sad for a few days, and then a bit of pot at the movies shifted some things into place to where I could suddenly see it clearly.

No longer do I have to worry about things with Dustin ever getting too heavy for Rider to handle. Rider knows that the two relationships are separate entities and that progress in one does not mean "demotion" or any such shit in the other. If the scales balance one way one day, or week, or month, or year, then they may swing the other way the next day, or week, or month, or year. I'm just going to keep giving love joyfully and naturally to both of them, in the ways that make sense to me for each of them at the time.

Having this conversation with Rider made me love him so fucking much even more than I already did. Having literally infinite freedom to love infinitely in whatever way I see fit—what bravery, what a gift!

And carrying around that heaviness . . . it was almost like I was keeping a secret from Rider. It felt dishonest, like I was hiding something. It was making me wall myself off a little bit while I sorted through it and figured it out, because Rider knows me too well and if I didn't wall off then he'd be asking me questions before I was ready to answer them. I feel like that wall, more than anything to actually do with Dustin, would have been the thing that could have done us in. But I was brave and just laid it bare once I figured it out.

And my bravery was rewarded.

So those were my breakthroughs in Rider-land. Also Rider went to get his testing today, so that was good. He's currently off making music with a buddy.

Things with Dustin are still great, though still operating from afar till Wednesday. I was finally able to get some FaceTime in with him this evening. We mostly just stared at each other like derp-derp-derp, but we did some talking too. He did the most adorable thing today: he had his 18-year-old niece take pictures of him blowing kisses to me, haha, and then he texted them to me. It was the cutest, sweetest, silliest thing, and I melted into a puddle and died. I might still be dead, in fact.

I feel sooooo happy and peaceful now, knowing that I can offer him literally anything (aside from monogamy, of course) that we both might want together eventually. Like, I don't have to feel guilty anymore like I did in the conversation I was having at the party, because I know that if it ever got to a point where it made sense to both of us to do some level of cohabitation (distant future, I'm talking, not gonna make crazy decisions in NRE), we could do that.

I didn't realize how much the whole prescribed hierarchy thing would hurt the soft parts of my soul once I really fell in love with a second person. The books say so, I know, but I'm not very good at imagining feelings until I'm feeling them most of the time. Of course, I am not in any kind of rush to make things "equal"—far, far too soon!—but just knowing that there aren't limitations takes away that weird pain and heaviness. I feel like I just get to relax and luxuriate in taking things as they come now, without needing to think about where things can or cannot go with him.

I feel like so much of my pre-summer anxiety around poly was just a desperate need for some kind of illusion of security—something to make me feel safe from the possibility of my life being dismantled by forces outside of my control. But it turns out that the more I let things go, the more solid things become. Now I see how making "my life" take shape (in all the different ways I want it to be) is mostly an exercise in creating and letting go at the same time. Build with intent, but don't get too caught up in expectations or particular outcomes. Speak the honest truth, but try like hell to not be a dick to anyone. Be unafraid of taking when it is my turn to take, and remember to give just as fiercely and generously. Now, instead of fearing I could lose my domestic life with Rider, I feel like nothing could possibly take it from me because it is only me and him who get to make those decisions, and we've decided that we want it.

I feel like I got incredibly lucky finding these boys at the exact times that I found them. They both teach me so much all the time. And I've never been a more humble or more willing student than I am right now. I'm learning so many things about so many things. 2017 might be a crazy, fucked up year for the country and the world, but it is really a phenomenally kick-ass year in my life so far.

I'm spending the rest of the evening working on my books and hanging out with our cats—introvert time, with house to myself!
 
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I have no time to update—crazy time crunch and might be pulling an all-nighter—but . . . Dustin sent me flowers at work today! I feel so loved. They are gorgeous multi-colored roses in a vase with musical notes all over it, like sheet music style.

But when I told Oona, she said this:

"I'd LIKE to squee along with you, but something about this feels . . . manufactured in some way. "Run away with me" type of stuff . . . I don't know. I have this gut feeling this guy would not be pulling out all the stops if you were single. I don't mean to shit on it—I'm happy you got beautiful flowers—but I do not trust this guy and his all-outness when you just married another guy less than 6 months ago. It feels like, despite what he says, he DOES think he'll "steal" you or something. I guess I'll have to meet him and feel it out for myself. I'm extremely skeptical about him and his behaviors. I'll keep an open mind, but I have just had a bit of a nagging feeling that if, like, you were super SINGLE and being this into him, he'd be backing off rather than sinking his teeth in."

I don't know what to do with that. I said this:

"I hear your skepticism. Even if he *thinks* that, it’s not happening. To me, he seems willing to learn. I guess we’ll see. I’ll trust you if you get a bad vibe off of him when you finally meet—you’re usually right about those things. But people can’t be "stolen," you know? And I’ve made up my mind to be with Rider, so I can’t be "stolen" either. He doesn’t strike me as the kind of guy who would try to make a conquest or a challenge just for its own sake. I believe that there’s real emotion behind it. Whether he does eventually HOPE me to run off with him . . . I guess that’s his problem, if that's how he feels."

I don't think she will get a bad vibe off of him. EVERYONE likes him. Everyone. Especially me. Sigh.

ETA: What do YOU guys think? Is it weird to have flowers sent to the workplace of someone you've been dating for seven weeks? He was super discreet about it, not including any kind of card that would make me have to explain poly things to work people. He said they were supposed to arrive yesterday morning to "brighten my week" but came a little late. Am I just too smitten to see why this—and all the other nice things he's done for me—are weird?
 
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One theory - it's possible he is being more "over the top" than he would be if you were single - but not necessarily because he wants to steal you away. More because he can say and do all the crazy in love stuff without worrying that he's leading you on and you're going to expect a diamond ring any day now.

Guys get it hammered into their heads by society that women just want to tie them down, get married and have babies asap. Even when they meet a woman who says she's not looking for that, they're skeptical. So they kind of ... Hold back on the romantic gestures and the thinking out loud about the future, because they're afraid women will see that stuff as more commitment than it is.

But give them a woman who's already happily married, and they can be as lovey dovey as they want, with no risk she's expecting a proposal, or a baby, or a house in the suburbs.

Source - my way over the top crazy romantic boyfriend, who talks all the time about how he'd love to marry me, and fully admits he'd never ever say that to a single woman he'd been dating for a few months. I believe the wording was, "I can say all this shit to you because I know you'll never take me up on it!" :rolleyes:
 
One theory - it's possible he is being more "over the top" than he would be if you were single - but not necessarily because he wants to steal you away. More because he can say and do all the crazy in love stuff without worrying that he's leading you on and you're going to expect a diamond ring any day now.

Guys get it hammered into their heads by society that women just want to tie them down, get married and have babies asap. Even when they meet a woman who says she's not looking for that, they're skeptical. So they kind of ... Hold back on the romantic gestures and the thinking out loud about the future, because they're afraid women will see that stuff as more commitment than it is.

But give them a woman who's already happily married, and they can be as lovey dovey as they want, with no risk she's expecting a proposal, or a baby, or a house in the suburbs.

Source - my way over the top crazy romantic boyfriend, who talks all the time about how he'd love to marry me, and fully admits he'd never ever say that to a single woman he'd been dating for a few months. I believe the wording was, "I can say all this shit to you because I know you'll never take me up on it!" :rolleyes:

I like this theory! I think I'm going to accept it until proven otherwise. :)
 
Agree completely with Claire.

Also, I believe that particularly for men who are very appealing to women and have a pretty easy time getting laid, there is a "challenge factor." It doesn't mean that his feelings for you are not valid. But subconsciously behind them and propelling them forward faster and harder, is the feeling that there is competition for you or that you're difficult to "get." It's probably the reason why women are encouraged to "play hard to get" to trigger this in guys.

I just talked about my friend Supernova in my own blog. He's my flirty buddy, he's kind of a slut, he flirts with everyone. But I think one of the main reasons he acts so hot for me sometimes is the fact that I'm not available and keep telling him no. There is a "challenge factor" in play. Different situation, perhaps same internal mechanism.

Thing is though, just as I don't believe a woman needs to cut off a male friend for being flirty or even for wanting sex with her...she just needs to be honest with him, and if he still wants to be a friend even though the answer to that question is no, and always will be... I don't believe that merely because Dustin feels this boundary-nudging intensity means you have to back away. You are honest with him. If, one day, he decides that he cannot be content to enjoy what he has, without hope of getting the "more" then that's on him. He'll have to either work through it, or back away from it. Your cards were sitting there on the table the whole time.

So long as you stick to your position and remind him from time to time, that you are there enjoying all the feels but he shouldn't hold out hope for exclusivity with you, now or ever, then you are golden to just go with it and have fun. So. Even if your friend is ~sort of~ right, in that maybe it is a factor, avoid thinking of it as a "just because." As in, "you just love me because blah." Don't invalidate the feelings regardless of any underlying subconscious reasons for them. It could be said that I "only" love Zen so much, because of some sort of Daddy issues, but I'll be damned if I'm going to question or second guess what I feel. I'm goin' with it. I know a happy thing when I see one, the reasons don't matter much. I'm sure that a genuine appreciation for the human that you are is also behind Dustin's feelings. The only problem I see with any of this, is if one day he just cannot shake free of the structural bindings that drive these motivations toward commitment, and he gets frustrated that he CAN'T have you all to himself...he could, once the NRE wears off, get frustrated and end it for reasons like this one day.

But I see no reason to let "what ifs" like that ruin what you have going on right now. None at all.

You're doing just fine. Carry on.
 
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