The Best Life Yet

Spork said:
I'm sure that a genuine appreciation for the human that you are is also behind Dustin's feelings. The only problem I see with any of this, is if one day he just cannot shake free of the structural bindings that drive these motivations toward commitment, and he gets frustrated that he CAN'T have you all to himself...he could, once the NRE wears off, get frustrated and end it for reasons like this one day.

But I see no reason to let "what ifs" like that ruin what you have going on right now. None at all.
Click to expand...

Yes, this is exactly how I see the matter. I *know* he loves me for real. I just do. I can tell. And I try not to worry too much about the "what-ifs"—whatever will happen with him will happen, and literally all I can do is be the best girlfriend I can be to him while still maintaining my own (perhaps flexible and ever-changing, but still useful) boundaries. So that's exactly what I'm doing.

It should also be reiterated (since I haven't mentioned it on the blog in a while) that Oona is a pretty mono-minded, self-described-as-jealous person. AND she's super protective of me because for a long time I kind of picked bad partners and lived in doormat/people-pleaser mode. I broke that streak with Rider, so it's been a few years, and life experience and therapy helped me a lot, so I am now much more confident in my own abilities to read people and situations than I once was.

But, historically, her idea of me has tended to lag a couple years behind my own growth (we've been friends for so long), so that's probably a lot of what's going on here. I know she is just trying to make sure I don't accidentally explode my life by getting too wrapped up in the wrong guy.
 
I didn't end up being able to pull an all-nighter last night. I hit a wall around 3:30 a.m. and had to just stop. I think I got enough done to skate me through till Friday night, though, when I will finish with what is due. I have heard that inability to pull all-nighters working is a symptom of getting older—maybe I am finally to that point. I reach a certain point of being tired and start to just feel nauseated, useless, and kind of twitchy and itchy all over. Oh, well. It'll get done Friday.

Rider's houseguest arrives tonight. This is an old buddy of his since like 2004 that he used to visit every week to watch wrestling with when we lived in FL. He's staying for a week! I like the guy and all, but usually an evening at a time with him is enough, so I'm making myself rather scarce over that time period.

Dustin got back into town last night (and immediately had to work), but we talked on the phone for a bit and were able to coordinate a plan for today and tomorrow. I Lyfted to work because I was too sleep-deprived to trust myself on a bicycle, and Rider needs the car tonight to pick his friend up from the airport, so Dustin will be picking me up from work. I'll spend tonight with him, going straight to work in the morning. Then I'll hang out with him again tomorrow after work till rehearsal. He'll take me to rehearsal, where Rider will have brought the amp I borrowed from Dustin. We'll put that in Dustin's car, then Dustin is going to hang with friends while we rehearse, picking me up after to go back to his place. I'll meet back up with Rider and friend after work on Friday.

Rider had a bit of difficulty with the idea of my showing up for rehearsal and then leaving again with Dustin, but he's getting over it. Again, More Than Two is helping him. He has thanked me for how patient I am being and for acquiring that book and lending it to him. He's lovely. He actually could not pinpoint what bothered him about it—why my rehearsing and leaving again would bother him more than if it were two straight days of absence—but he said he thought it had something to do with being able to see me and socialize with me but not get any QT reconnection time due to band members present.

I normally would not even want to see Dustin on a rehearsal night, but it's one of his only nights off, and I haven't seen him for nearly a week, and he's super busy this coming weekend too. So I will take what little time I can get.

My weekend is going to be pretty crazy too. The weekend schedule is something like this:

Friday night

Rider's friend might crash with another friend, so Rider's trying to get a date with Viv. Dustin has rehearsal but doesn't know what time. I do have to finish those books I didn't get to. Aside from that, I have no idea where I'm going—it depends on Rider and Dustin. If both of them are tied up, I'm either going to do something solo or maybe tag along with Oona and Toby and their own houseguest. No matter what, I need to be asleep by 2:00 a.m.

Saturday

In the morning, I have to take my kitten in for his third round of vaccinations. I think Rider wants to go to the seaside with his friend, so I'll likely go with them when I get back. Dustin has to play a wedding that afternoon. There is a free concert downtown that night that Rider wants to go to, which I may or may not want to join for. I like the bands, but I might not be feeling the crowds. Dustin is playing a beach bar late-night, like 12–2, so I won't be seeing him.

Sunday

I think I'm going to a street fair over kinda by where Cherry lives. Dustin's band is playing in the afternoon, so I was going to try to meet up with him. Cherry said she might come out too. And Elena will be there, in a booth selling some of her things. She and her fiancé are moving to Europe in less than two months, I think, and instead of having a yard sale, she decided to just rent a fair booth and have sort of a junk shop there. After Dustin's set, he and I are going to hang out till it's time for his weekly honky-tonk gig. I think I'll just sleep at his place while he does that this time. Whenever I go there with him, I stay up too late and am hating my situation the next day. I gotta keep that to like a once-a-month indulgence, not three times a month, haha.

While I do all of that Sunday, Rider is planning to have a small wrestling watch party with his out-of-town buddy and some friends. I'm glad he's now gathered a core group of friends for most of his hobbies: the fan club, the wrestling, the music, etc. All he's missing is football buddies. I love dipping into those worlds with him from time to time, but aside from the music thing, they are not my natural habitat. He's far more sport-oriented than I am. I much prefer immersing myself in nature or the arts when I have free time, but I love how passionate he is about the stuff he cares about.

So that's my crazy weekend. It was going to be even crazier than that, with a counter-protest against some Nazis on Saturday, but thankfully the Nazis chickened out. :)

On Tuesday, Rider's buddy leaves, and I'll be back to my regularly scheduled life. Whatever that is anymore. :p
 
Last edited:
A thing happened to me last night, which has me a bit emotionally shaken up. I'm going to write about it here just to get it out.

So, for most of my life, I had two (somewhat conflicting but) very heartfelt dreams of what an ideal life would look like. And, trying to be a rational adult making the most of the cards I was dealt, I put the nails in the coffins of both of them some time ago. But they were so real to me for so long that there was a grieving process involved in letting them go and going about a reasonable adult life.

They both started when I was around 12 or 13.

The first dream was that I would convert a school bus to a home and live some sort of mobile, adventurous life of travel. I didn't know what I would do to support myself—it ranged over the years from being in a rock band to freelance writing to finding some way to accumulate enough wealth that I could live a life of minimalism and freedom on it forever—and the decor changed over the years (the first iteration, which I drew in crayon, had a mural of Kurt Cobain painted on the roof), but the bus and the travel were the same.

The second dream was to have a little, modest cottage in a glade somewhere, with trees that let in dappled sunlight, and a huge rambling garden with lots of vegetables and fragrant flowers. It would be out in nature, not the suburbs, but would be close enough driving distance to a major city that I could easily take in culture and have good places to shop for cheese. Books would line the walls, and animals would frolic in the yard with a child or two. And I would go walk in the woods some afternoons, and splash my feet in a creek while I read a book. Again, I didn't know what I'd do to support myself so far from the city. Maybe I'd be a stay at home mom. Maybe I'd be a work-from-home writer or editor. Maybe I'd craft something and sell it. But the cottage and the garden and the animals and the kids were always the same. I used to try to sketch them, but I'm no good at drawing landscapes, so it always looked like a cartoon.

At one point, I thought maybe I could have both things, just the second one first, and the first one second, when I retired. They were the dreams that sang to my soul—sang from my soul.

But I eventually hit my late 20s, and my marriage to Moss didn't work out, and I got with The Ex, and I finished grad school, and I had (have) a shit-ton of student loan debt. And I realized, in my newly acquired adulthood (which I kind of believe starts at 28), that the kind of things I wanted—mobile living, a house close enough to the city but sitting in nature (in a place with decent weather), a menagerie of animals, offspring—are terribly expensive, and there was no way that someone with my skill set, my family background (from dirt poor), and my subsequent debt load could possibly afford them all. And the kind of guys I was drawn to dating always had a mean streak and would be terrible fathers, and they very much preferred city living.

People said things to me like, "You like excitement and adventure too much. You'd be bored to tears in the situation you described." And I thought to myself, "you know, maybe they're right." It was a good way to stop wanting something I didn't think I could have anyway. I'd always lived in the city.

I couldn't picture the self-sacrifice it would take to raise kids. I could never afford a yard big enough for the animals. There would always be work somewhere with a commute to worry about, and maybe the closest I could get to nature was the suburbs, and who wants that—not me!

So, one by one, I drove little nails into the coffins of those dreams. I grieved them pretty intensely, but, as with all grief, there was eventually acceptance. I turned 32. I split with The Ex. I met Rider, and he was (and still is) the sweetest and most golden-hearted being I've ever met. No mean streak! Only sweetness and light and love for me. Despite his golden heart and being the most suitable person I could imagine to procreate with, he did not want any children. I thought about this for a long while. I'd always thought I wanted kids, but I'd never felt like the time was right. I was getting older. One night, early in our relationship, coming out of one of those intensely introspective reveries that only psychedelics can induce, I said to Rider, "What if I need to have babies? Would you still love me?"

"Sure, I'd still love you."

"We're poly—what if I went and had them with someone else?"

"I guess that'd be OK. Our relationship would necessarily change—we probably couldn't be primary to each other anymore—but I couldn't stop you from doing something that you found you needed to do."

And I sighed with relief. At the same time, his very telling me that made me relax into him. I fell for him super deeply. And I decided, you know, the time had never been right. And the men had never been right. And the world was so fucked anyway—who was enough of an optimist at this point to bring more humans into it?

So I decided at some point during the summer of 2014 that I was very happy not having kids. I'd never been any good with them anyway. Their cries were the most annoying sound on earth. I'm too introverted and barely have enough bandwidth to give enough attention to CATS when I'm home. I don't like mess and smudges and clutter. I felt the greatest relief I'd ever felt. I'd never have to explain strip clubs to a kid. I'd never have to stop being selfish. No more pressure or worry about whether I was even gonna get too old to do it before I met the right person. And so I decided to marry Rider, since we were now 100% on the same page about that.

Rider was the best person I'd ever met, and poly to boot, and, if I could commit my life to someone of such goodness and beauty, I'd be happy with whatever I could make of my life as it actually was, not the pipe dreams I'd had from the ages of 12 to whenever reality hit me.

We could build something. We'd move to the big city from our shitty little city. We'd get good jobs to make our commutes worth it. I'd pay off my student loan debt and we'd scrimp and (if we could manage it) save, and maybe in ten years, we could get a little house on the edge of the dangerous neighborhoods with a yard big enough to keep a medium-sized dog happy. It's something we say to each other: "In ten years, doge!"

And we make music and laugh and party and have good sex and great friends and we are very happy together. He's my best friend in this world. We even get to date other people.

And then last night, sipping martinis in a super old-school bar, Dustin said to me . . .

Well . . .

He described my scenario two. Like. Almost exactly. Out loud. With his mouth instead of mine.

And I said, "Yeah, I used to want that, but I grew up and realized it's impossible."

"What's impossible about it? I did something like that for a while. I was living on that farm, working with my hands in the dirt every day, animals all around. Three hours driving distance to L.A., through beautiful country, to go to the farmer's markets on the weekend. I didn't have a lot of money but I had what I needed. Nothing's impossible."

And I just looked at him. I almost got angry for a second: how dare he tell me that this thing, this thing that I killed, because life made me, was not impossible. What torture! He hadn't noticed my change in expression and was still talking:

". . . little babies growing up with little baby animals . . ."

I stopped even hearing him. I couldn't listen. It was too sad. Every pang of that grief that I'd felt when I killed those dreams was washing over me all at once. My hands shake to type about it.

I don't understand how he knows about my dead secret dream, that I haven't mentioned to anyone in years, that I'd never mentioned even to Rider because it's dead. And he talks about it like it's in the future, living and breathing. He didn't mention the books. But his bedroom had already done that the moment I walked into it the first time.

And so I take my own deep breaths, and I remind myself of all the adult reasons I can't run off into dream-world. The biggest part of which is that I love the shit out of Rider, and I love the little life we are building together. We have been doing the absolute best we can with the cards we were dealt. Someone deep in NRE spinning me a fairytale can't peel me off of that.

But today is really, really hard. I'm grieving all that shit all over again. Like maybe it was never actually dead in that box, but just trapped in there till someone came along with a tool to gingerly remove the nails, and now they have, and I have to kill it all over again, with my bare hands. Adulthood, whee!
 
Last edited:
I feel a lot better having written all that and having read it a few times. It was fucking cathartic. I know all of that means that I don't get to keep Dustin around forever. Eventually he's probably going to go live that dream, and I've managed to change my crazy-feeling grief to instead kind of a wistful happiness for him that someone gets to go live the dream—someone that I love a lot. It's almost the feeling of, like, letting something you love free and on to a better future. I hope I get at least a while with him though.
 
In other news besides the silly "alternate timeline" angst happening in my head . . .

Yesterday Dustin had a cold sore for the first time since I've known him, so it was kinda crazy being super careful about that and not kissing on the mouth or sharing cups/utensils. I am used to being alllllll up in his grillpiece at all times, so it was a tough conscious effort.

We had a really good night, overall, once I pushed the Impossible Dream out of my head. We had happy hour, then sex on his living room floor, then dinner, then went to a massage parlor for foot and back massages, then picked up a bottle of wine and watched some Netflix. Then had more sex again before sleeping. Then waking up again and having more sex and going back to sleep again.

I also told him my Big Three deepest, darkest secrets. Just some weird shit about my past that I don't really trust most people with because it's some seriously weird shit. But he didn't think it was that weird and actually traded stories so similar that I suddenly didn't even feel that weird. Oona doesn't even know all of that shit because she's super judgmental about the particular areas relating to the stuff—I think she knows 1/3. Moss and Jake know 2/3. Rider is the only other person who knows all of it. Most people don't know any of it unless they were there for some of it.

I also forgot to set my alarm last night (it's usually auto-set, but I'd turned it off the night before last because I needed to change it for yesterday morning). So I accidentally slept in past when I was supposed to be at work! My boss was not mad, though, and it gave me extra time with Dustin. After I made my apology and excuse, saying I'd be in an hour late, I actually had time to have a tiny bit more sex. :rolleyes: Oh, NRE, and its endless bunnyrabbitting.

Rider has had something come up with Viv where he's not sure he wants to keep seeing her. She did some seriously passive-aggressive vaguebooking of a flavor that a) he was worried it might have been directed at him, and b) he's not sure he wants to keep someone like that around, who says/does that kind of shit. It was kind of batshit, in my own personal opinion, and I am very disappointed on his behalf, because I thought that was going so well. He said he's going to ask her about it if she reaches out to him again (he'd made last contact, so it's her turn), and he'll hear her out, but he has serious misgivings about her behavior and judgment at this time. :( Such a shame because he liked her so much and he said the sex was really good.

Rider also told me he decided what he's getting me for my birthday. I'd almost forgotten that's coming up next month! This year has just flown by! I wonder what it is! Guess I'll find out soon . . .
 
Wow, all of the Dustin things sound pretty intense, especially that abandoned dream thing! When it comes to his intentions with the flowers and over-the-topness, I can see where Oona is coming from, but I'm also inclined to agree with the others who commented here. He might be more over the top because you're married and he feels like he can do that. Maybe there's also a hint of wanting you to run away with him, but like you said, people can't be stolen. If you're committed to Rider and want to stay with him, there's nothing that Dustin can do to change that. And you've kept him informed of your intentions as well, so he can't say you've lead him on. Only time will tell whether what you can offer is actually enough for him or not.

It's also a bit strange for me to read about the intensity of you and Dustin because I'm projecting and reading it from Rider's perspective. All of this is pretty much what happened to me, Jasmin and Kaspar, except me and her weren't married. She fell completely head over heels with a person with no poly experience, he made her feel very special because he wanted so much from her, gave her a lot and wasn't dating anyone else himself. Things got intense pretty quickly. And when they did, her commitment to me and our future plans didn't hold. So that's basically why I haven't commented as much as I otherwise would have: your story is aligning too closely with mine, except I'm on the other side of the equation and it's sometimes a bit difficult to read because of that. Obviously I hope your story has a happier ending than mine though!
 
Last edited:
I would think and hope that this story has a happier ending than what you describe, Mya, but it's been in the back of my mind, too, how this could be hard for Rider, and holy smokes does he deserve mad props for how good and loving he has been and for handling this situation well.

As for Dustin, I feel torn between saying "Yay! Party naked with them big feels! Dance in the rain of NRE, WOOHOO!" And "OK, Scooter you need to calm your tits, she ain't leavin' her husband for ya."

Ultimately I guess that I see where a person could naturally feel certain ways in certain situations, but it's part of living poly that one is endeavoring to be a thinking human, one who tempers those intense feelings and urges with wisdom, respectful and loving behavior, ethics, and intent.

So for Reverie (Hi!) I would say regarding those dreams and stuff...still keep everything light and happy as much as you can. The time is NOT now for evaluation and formation of life goals when your hormones are steering the ship, and so are Dustin's! You know that. I really think that Nature would love for you to fasten onto his talk and start making escalator moves, because remember, Nature (that bitch) wants us to make more humans no matter if it is smart, practical, or in any way a good idea.

Now I'm not going to say "don't have kids" if you want to have kids. But don't be tricked. Don't let Nature be the boss of your uterus. Or your dreams. Try not to switch the tracks and take the train in any new directions, until the intense feelsy stuff has mellowed some, if ya can. Nothing wrong with talking, or thinking...just don't DO. For a while. I think you know this. I'm not sure if Dustin truly gets this. He's been flying by the seat of his pants, so developing a complex, high-level, poly-educated set of relationship and life ethics is new juju for him, hey. But I think he's doing alright.

Maybe if this turns out to be a long term thingie, the key could be encouraging more connection between him and Rider (maybe not today, but like, one day.) ??

And there's no reason I know of that those dreams had to die. So maybe they aren't "right now" practical, but the future is the future. It could look like anything.
 
Hi Spork and Mya!

Yes, there is no need to worry about my commitment to Rider. He and I are still as solid, as directly communicating about everything, and even as happy as ever. My whole "mourning the dream" thing is a me+myself thing. It has no bearing on my situation with Rider. He knows about it, just because I do tell him almost everything, but he also knows that it's just a spell of emotional turmoil I was dealing with, and that my ship always rights itself. I'm a pretty even-keel person, and a particularly intense mood usually never affects me for more than a day or two.

Mya, I'm really sorry for what happened to you—for your plans getting dashed like that! But there is no need to stress on Rider's behalf. The thing about my connection to Rider is that it is . . . home, and endless somehow. It started as a solid friendship that turned romantic, and then it was the source of the most insane NRE flood perhaps the world has ever known. And then that has mellowed out into a deep, strong love that is totally unshakeable. I never once think "maybe I should leave Rider" when I'm having these moments of wistfulness and frustration. It's more like "why can't there be two of me, that I get to inhabit both at once?!"

Spork, yeah, for sure I am not going to do anything big or crazy. Even if I were totally single, that would be the case. All I'm dealing with right now are thoughts and feelings, but they're not going to translate into any rash actions. I specifically told Dustin recently "if you want to do big, life-changing things, let's see where we are in three years and talk about it then." Because if he still wants to do big, crazy things at that point, I'll have a better idea of what I'm getting myself into. And if he doesn't . . . then it would have been a bad idea in the first place. I am definitely in no rush to make big changes, and I definitely have no desire to explode my life.

I feel bad that I am making people worry about me, or about Rider. There's no need to worry—we're so totally good. I'm just up here in my blog processing intense shit in intricate detail, but . . . let me see if I can explain.

I saw Rider at rehearsal last night, and I was bowled over by how much I love him. It's everything about him: the way he looks, the way he feels when I hug him, his facial expressions, his enthusiasm for music and for life . . . the way the light sparkles through his hair . . . everything. Being away for a day and a half, totally wrapped up in someone else, it had the opposite effect one might think. Instead of my feeling weird or distant when re-encountering Rider, it felt like someone had pressed a refresh or reset button. Some layer of passion-clouding familiarity had been buffed off, allowing me to see his shine in sharper focus again.

There's something about spending pretty much every night with someone that, while blissful and comfortable and secure, seems to lead to . . . I don't want to call it "taking for granted" exactly, because I think every single day I have actively appreciated the fuck out of him, but more like . . . like when you see something every day, you notice it less unless something about it changes. It's a sort of habituation, I guess.

And since I've been spending more time away, as I become more habituated to Dustin and his space, I become less habituated to Rider and our shared space. And I think it's a good thing! I don't know about everyone, but I know that for me personally, I tend to be more mindful in situations the less familiar they are. So to remove a little of the familiarity also forces an increase in my attentiveness. And any time I pay closer attention to Rider, I just love him more, because he's that loveable!

This morning, as I cuddled Dustin in the few minutes left over before leaving for work, I felt a "ready to go home" feeling. I missed Rider and my pets. I knew I'd also start to miss Dustin after a day or so, but I'll probably be seeing him at some point this weekend. It's his turn for us to miss each other, and it's Rider's turn to reconnect and be replenished. I think it was really important for me to spend two consecutive nights with Dustin after he'd been gone for days. It really filled the bucket up, and now I can go back home without pining.

I'm figuring this shit out: how to strike a balance, how to appreciate each situation I'm in while I'm in it, how to recalibrate my emotions after something intense sends all the needles going haywire for a little while. It's a learning process. I'm trying to support Rider as much as I can. We IM on and off all day while I'm at work. I communicate everything to him honestly, and with as much compassion as I possibly can. I've been super happy to provide him with as much reassurance as he needs, when he asks for it and even when he doesn't. Things are good.

And like I touched on in my addendum post to the long one, I really am capable of reaching a place of wistful but settled acceptance, if, in the end, Dustin needs more and bigger things than I can give him without abandoning my existing commitments. Commitment means a great deal to me, as does living with intention and integrity.

I'm curious to see how far things will go with Dustin—he said again last night "don't let me fuck this up; I want to make it work!"—but only time will tell. I don't know him all that well yet, though we definitely have a lot in common and there's a lot of that NRE "feels like I've known this person forever" thing going on. He not only doesn't have any poly experience, but he's spent a lot of time single overall, so he doesn't have a ton of long-term relationship experience even. I have not ruled out the possibility that he doesn't even have any idea what he's getting into.

And, for sure, we make crazy magic together, but there are also obstacles at every turn, with the biggest and most obvious ones being the schedule differences and the new-to-poly thing.

Anyway.

I just wanted to clear up any possible misunderstandings about where I am or where I think I'm headed. :)
 
I think I was just imagining how shmoopy in NRE you are as being scary at times to Rider, and thinking he's a great dude for how he's holding up. It was always something I thought would be challenging about poly (and bear in mind, my poly was a situation where the whole shebang came together in the space of a few months and it was poly from the get-go.) So imagining how an established partner might feel if the other one is walking around farting glitter and rainbows over their new lover...like I could see how that might be a challenge. Purely from a theoretical standpoint.

Your Rider is a real prize, Rev! But like I said in my last post..."you know that!"

Damn shame the thing with Viv hit the rocks. Any chance they might sort it?

I'm glad stuff is going so (generally) well. Balance...everyone I know is struggling to find it in one way or another, it seems.
 
Spork said:
walking around farting glitter and rainbows over their new lover...
Click to expand...

😂 😂 😂

Spork said:
Damn shame the thing with Viv hit the rocks. Any chance they might sort it?
Click to expand...

Ehhhhh...I'll just drop the convo he had with me about it here. I'll say "never say never" but it is not looking hopeful or maybe even like a good idea.

Rider: OK, so...Yesterday in the morning, I hit up Viv to see if she wants to hang out and I leave it kind of open, like are there any days that you're free, that sort of thing. I see that she looks at it, but she doesn't write me back. I figure maybe she's just busy. Before I leave work yesterday, I message her one more time to suggest Friday. Still no response from her, but she's seen it

This morning, I see she's posted something to her FB wall...some ugly vaguebooking sort of shit:

[screengrab of her post, which says "If you want to spend time with me I suggest doing something nice for me because I'm really fucking done facilitating everyone else's needs in my free time."]

Now, I'm not sure if that's about me, and I don't want to assume that it is, but the fact that she's not writing me back is alarming. Also, the idea that maybe this sort of ugly passive communication goes on is even more alarming.

Me: Yikes! Yeah, I doubt that’s about you. But I would not want to get close to someone who does that, personally.

Rider: Right, that's what I was thinking too. Yeah, so now I'm not sure how to respond.

Me: I’m sorry someone you like turned out to be that way. If it were me, I’d do a fadeaway along with a “whew, dodged a bullet” and start looking for other baskets to put eggs in. But that’s me.

Rider: I'm just really confused and not sure what I could have possibly done wrong. Or why she might be treating me that way. All I did was make myself available to her. Last time we hung out, I cooked tacos for her.

Me: You did nothing wrong. It’s either not about you at all...Or if it’s about you, then she’s 100% batshit insane. Either way she’s probably a little insane. Or batshit.

Rider: Yeah, you're probably right.

Me: Babe, you did nothing wrong. Trust me.

Rider: OK

Me: Just live your life and let her hide in her little hole. And if she comes to you, you can decide then how you want to handle it.

Rider: My first impulse upon reading that was to just offer to take her out for dinner or something if she needs to have something offered to her, but then when I thought about how passive and shitty that FB post was, I kinda wanted to back away

Me: Yeeeeaaaaahhhhhh

Rider: OK I think I had the right idea. I'll just leave her alone until she reaches out to me, if she ever does that.

Me: Yeah, and then you can decide what to do.

Rider: And if she does, I'll ask her what that was about directly. I'm poly, communicate directly with me.

Me: Honestly, I am not thrilled about the idea of having a metamour who does that shit. But I know you really liked her.

Rider: Yeah, it kinda killed my potential for NRE at least in my head. You know what I mean? I did really like the dates we went on, and I am very attracted to her.

Me: Oh, for sure. As Dan Savage says...One of the things we look for in a partner is good judgment. And if someone lets on early on that they don’t have that, it’s a valid reason to back away.

Rider: Yeah, good call. If she reaches out to me, I'll at least hear her out, but that's a pretty serious red flag, especially this early on. Thank you for helping me think about it ❤ I am SO GLAD that you communicate directly with me about everything. I think that I've become so used to your style of communication that I forget that not everyone does it that way. Some people do it in a very wrong way.

Me: You’re welcome. And I’m SUPER sorry you’re dealing with that right now. I know that feeling of like the second-guessing yourself from shit like that. And it’s really shitty of her to do that to literally all her friends at once.
Because how many people do you think are thinking the same thing you are? “What did I do?"

Rider: Yeah, it's even worse when I think about it like that. I'm not sure what else I could do other than just make myself available. Stupid.

Me: There isn't anything, I don't think.

Rider: What a fucking let down

Me: I’m sorry, baby.

Rider: It's OK. Better to find out now than later.

Me: The dating process is so hard. Gotta kiss a lot of frogs.

Rider: Hahaha

Me: I’m not even kidding. Remember all my bad OKC people….REMEMBER BRANDON?!

Rider: Yeah, that's fine. I'll just keep trying. I was about to say that I was so impressed that I seemed to have found a good one on the first try this time. Maybe that was premature, LOL. OKC dates are usually pretty bad.

Me: That’s what dating is for . . . just keep hanging out with someone till you see whether their crazy is good crazy or bad crazy, lol.

.....

And then she still has never written him back, and it is Friday, the day he was inquiring about, so maybe it was about him after all. And if it was? Good riddance to bad batshit!
 
Wow, seriously!

And a good alignment of communication styles is SO FREAKING IMPORTANT. I'm not sure if anything is so important as that, actually. It has the power to make or break every other thing.

One of the things that keeps ME shmoopy about Zen, is that we connect well like that...sometimes, even, it's almost spooky. Last night there was a possibility, a maybe/maybe not that we might hang out. He might have gotten off work in time, but we weren't sure. I had some stuff to do, and I let him know, but also said I would make time for him if he wanted. And I left it at that. The time rolled around when he might be able to contact me...and nothing. I kept checking my phone, thinking it would be nice to hear from him even if we couldn't hang. But I HAD told him I had stuff to do, and it WAS uncertain regardless, and we WERE planning more solidly to spend time tonight...

As soon as he got off work and got home (which was kind of late) he texted me to let me know he had to work late and stuff had been exhausting and stressful, but sent me his love and said he'd been thinking of me, and that he was looking forward to tomorrow.

I don't know how many times I've wanted something and boom...there it is...with him. That shit is magical.

I hope Rider finds his...prince? (lol) Soon. Or at least a woman who isn't badshit, or batshit, crazy...
 
Spork said:
I hope Rider finds his...prince? (lol) Soon. Or at least a woman who isn't badshit, or batshit, crazy...
Click to expand...

Me too! I was so happy for him and filled with compersion that he'd found someone he liked! There was not one shred of negative emotion—only elation on his behalf. And then some shit like this had to go and happen. Oh, well. It'll happen eventually. He's so fantastic that someone is bound to notice sooner or later. ;)

At least he seems to be less concerned about finding someone rightthefucknow than he was a few weeks ago. He's been talking about filling the time with writing more solo material, which I've been encouraging him to do since I haven't been in a very songwriting mood for the past year or so. My creativity comes and goes in cycles, and I'm definitely having a downtime right now, but I don't want that to hold him back. He used to do a ton of solo stuff before we met, and then I pretty much took over lyrics and melody. I'd love to hear him produce some new stuff himself!
 
I'm sorry for projecting so much, Reverie! It does sound like you and Rider are all good, and I'm really glad to hear that. :) You two sound like an awesome couple. <3
 
Mya said:
I'm sorry for projecting so much, Reverie! It does sound like you and Rider are all good, and I'm really glad to hear that. :) You two sound like an awesome couple. <3
Click to expand...

It's no problem, Mya—I understand how it is when you're going through some stuff and it colors everything you look at. I have been there many times. Hugs!
 
Last night was my first night back at home after two nights with Dustin. I was supposed to get some work done, but I had so much fun with Rider that I ended up slacking. :rolleyes: Luckily I have some time to kill this afternoon. I think I'll spend it getting my work done in a coffee shop or something.

Rider and I had a really fun date night. He picked me up from work wearing blue eyeliner, a kilt, and his really tall boots. It was so cute that he'd dressed up for me!

First, we had an appetizer and a drink at a sushi restaurant while waiting for my tech appointment time. I was not super impressed with my food, but Rider said his was good. I ordered plum wine, as I often do, but I didn't really like it this time. I don't know if it was the brand or what, but it wasn't as tasty as it usually is.

Then we went to the electronics store to get my phone and Dustin's iPad looked at. My phone has just been randomly dying even though the battery is full unless it's on the charger. It's been doing it for weeks, and I've just been working around it. And Dustin's iPad won't come on at all. Unfortunately, the store said my phone needs a new battery, which they didn't have in stock, so I have to take it to another location. It's also going to be about $130! :eek: So that will be a next-paycheck thing. I'll likely do it on Wednesday. And the iPad was just dead. They said they never fix them, only replace them, and since it was out of the service window, they won't replace it. That sucks! He said he has a ton of music and stuff on there, so I hope there's some recovery software he can use to pull it off even though it's dead.

After the store, Rider and I went to a crawfish restaurant because we'd heard tell that they had blue crabs, which I constantly crave and can only have when I go back east. That place was a huge disappointment, but we had fun. We both agreed that the seasoning was way too sweet and not salty enough.

Then we went to the huge booze store and Rider bought me a six-pack of some apple pie beer. We lay in bed, chatting and cuddling and then having really good sex. We shook the bed so hard that I had to get out the allen wrench after and tighten everything! 😂

I couldn't have more than one of the apple pie beers—again, theme of the night, too fucking sweet!—but they were tasty. I, perhaps unwisely, switched to whiskey, since that's what else we had. Which subsequently made me very sleepy and I fell asleep before it was even midnight. I've been running at a pretty serious deficit for kind of a while now, staying up too late not just with Dustin and with work on my books, but with everyone, trying to cram as much life into my life as possible. So I definitely needed the rest.

I had a very odd sensation in the middle of the night. I woke up and thought that it was going to be Dustin next to me, to the point where I might have been half-dreaming and imagined him. But then my eyes were open and I could see the silhouette of my bed frame and realized I was home and that it had to be Rider next to me. It was a really strange feeling, though.

This morning, I woke up early (thankfully, because I'd again fallen asleep without setting my alarm) and was again briefly disoriented, though I didn't hallucinate Dustin this time. It was more of a "I don't remember falling asleep, what time is it, how did I get here?" kind of disorientation. And then my second thought after orienting myself was to check my phone for texts from Dustin. I'd texted him shortly before falling asleep, and he'd written me back about an hour later, when his rehearsal ended.

I have to take my kitten for his third round of vaccinations today—leaving in just a few minutes—and then we're heading to the seaside. There's supposed to be a unity rally (which was originally going to be a counterprotest to some Nazis but the Nazis bailed) and Rider, his visiting friend, and I are supposed to be meeting up with Ayuki, Oona, Toby, and Toby's visiting friend. Other than the rally, I'm not sure what we'll do. There will likely be drinking involved, but I'm not much in the mood for day drinking, so I might just have a tiny piece of an edible and stick to coffee and water. I can't forget that I also need to pack my bag for Dustin's tonight!

Rider and friend are heading to a free concert downtown that, in theory, will be really good, but I am not in the mood to brave free-concert-style crowds today. They're splitting off probably around 4:30. And then Oona and entourage will be leaving around sunset because Toby's friend has to be at the airport super early in the morning. And then Dustin's gig near the seaside starts at 10:00, so he's heading over there starting around 9:00 and I'm going to meet him.

I was originally thinking I'd hang with Ayuki all evening and kill time with her between Oona's departure and Dustin's arrival. But now that I have that work to get done, I'm not sure. I'm thinking of just carving out that time for myself and my work. But it would be fun to have her with me at Dustin's gig, too. Hmm. Maybe she'd be willing to meet back up. I know during weekends she often stays with a friend nearby to there, so if she's doing that, maybe she has a home base to return to for a few hours. I'll have to ask her when I see her.

OK, time to go do cat things!
 
Things are so busy at work lately that I'm making a point of not hanging out on this forum during work hours for a while. Since that's usually when I post, it'll probably affect my post length/frequency. I'll try to post some small updates in the evenings, and maybe a longer one each weekend, but those are pretty busy too.

Things with Rider are good and stable. Things with Dustin are good and stable. Viv never turned up again. Cherry and I have been trying to get together but are both too busy right now. All is well in Reverland for the time being.
 
OK, so I'm staying 2.5 extra hours at work tonight, so I figured one little post could be justified, then back to the grind. I just wanted to pop in here and record/squee about one of my favorite things about Dustin, which is how goddamned playful he is. He has this joy-of-life childlike quality that I know I have myself, because others have commented on it, but I feel like it's super rare, and it's really interesting to be with someone else who has it too.

Examples of what I mean:

- Sometimes we have this game we play while lying in bed where he tries to get me to bite his pinkie, and I never can, because he's too quick. We always just die laughing. Then the other day when he was playing a show at a record store, from the stage he looked me dead in the eye and pretended to bite his own pinkie and winked.

- He has "sound effects" for stuff that he does, like little pushing air noises he makes with his mouth. I totally do that too, and always tell people when they remark on it that "yeah, I come with sound effects." But it just makes things way more fun and playful.

- Walking down the street or waiting for a light to change, sometimes he'll jump up on a little wall, or stomp on an access panel embedded in the sidewalk. Again, this is something that I do, too, along with balancing on the curb, hopscotching tiles or patterns in the walking surface, etc.—anything to make walking and waiting a little game.

- Meowing.

- Cuddling up next to me and covering me with dozens of the tiniest kisses.

- Sometimes making silly faces, like opening his eyes really wide and letting his mouth drop into an excited looking lizard smile, or crossing his eyes, or posing with eyes rolled up and hands folded under his chin.

- All kinds of little kissing games, like trying to suck the breath out of my mouth, or sucking on my lip, or just like licking each other's tongues outside of our mouths.

And so many other things! It's really cool because he's so multifaceted with the number of sides to his personality. There's a very chill, zen, unable-to-be-ruffled serious "cool guy" side; a no-nonsense, efficient, get-shit-done professional side; a gently powerful, oozing sexuality dominant side; and then this hop-and-skip inner child side.

All the sides combine to make this intensely unique and wonderful creature that somehow vibes perfectly with all my facets too—the chill side relaxes my uptight side; the efficient side makes a perfect teammate for when some shit just needs to get knocked out, which I love because I get impatient with inefficiency and dawdlers; the dominant side makes me weak in the knees and craving touch, meeting needs I didn't even really know that I had; and the childlike side is playmate to my own inner child. It's wild, the way the similarities click and the differences complement.

Also, somehow, we are so perfectly sized proportion-wise for sex. Don't get me wrong, I love variety and all the sizes and shapes of the people I've been with during my poly journey—from Jake, who is only a fraction of an inch taller than me and has the same size hands, to Rider and Sam, who got called "the twin towers" in college because they're both between 6'3"–6'4" and super lanky, but whatever size Dustin is, maybe 3ish inches taller than me (it's always so hard for me to tell) and with a proportionately longer torso (mine is tiny), somehow is perfect for all the positions.

If we're both kneeling, our thighs are exactly the right length to make things work. If I wrap my arms around his arms, my palms fit over the backs of his hands so our fingers can intertwine perfectly. His forehead is kinda flat across the brow like mine is, so if we're face to face, we can press them together and make a stable structure. If he's lying on his back and I'm lying on my back on top of him, he can put his chin against my shoulder while fitting perfectly into place. We're never restricted by a hammering of the cervix, either, like I have to be careful of with larger dudes. And almost any position we're in, we can kiss and kiss and kiss and meet glances.

It's like, there's fitting, and then there's fitting. It's not, so far, the best sex I've ever had—we still have a few things to work out, for sure—but I think in terms of sheer bodily convenience, he fits me better than anyone else I've ever been with. It's rad, and I'm going to have to remember this configuration in the future when checking dudes out.

OK, back to work for me . . . my allotted 15 minutes of slacking are up.
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top