The Best Life Yet

[powerpuffgrl1969]

I forgot; did you actually tell Rider that you can't understand how he could be involved with someone who treated you badly, or did you just kind of infer, hoping he would get the hint?

From what I understand, you two loathe the veto idea, but the two of them aren't in a "relationship" per se, so maybe doing yourself a favor and explicitly telling him how his involvement with Anna leaves you feeling less important might be a good idea?

 

[Reverie]

I forgot; did you actually tell Rider that you can't understand how he could be involved with someone who treated you badly, or did you just kind of infer, hoping he would get the hint?

From what I understand, you two loathe the veto idea, but the two of them aren't in a "relationship" per se, so maybe doing yourself a favor and explicitly telling him how his involvement with Anna leaves you feeling less important might be a good idea?

We worked the Anna stuff out—had some good, long conversations. I'm over it. Thanks for the suggestions.

 

[Refusnik]

So I guess I wait, trying to make the most of it in the meantime while he figures his shit out.

Last time I was a hinge, I found myself in a very similar situation a couple of times. My relationship with my girlfriend had very intense chemistry as well as a feeling like we fit each other very well, not just physically but also in the things we liked to do together. For both of us, it was quite unlike anything we'd ever experienced in a relationship. However, like Dustin she'd never been in an ethically non-monogamous situation and at times struggled with certain aspects so there were a few times times that we took a break in communication.

The hardest part for me was not being able to text her about the ridiculous things that would happen in a day or send her pictures from the trail or the other things we'd share on a day to day basis. However in the time leading up to the break, we'd also both been feeling a build up of emotional pressure related to figuring out if we could make it work so despite missing the communication, it took some of the heat off of what we were both feeling. Maybe it's not the best analogy but it was sort of like if the pan gets too hot when you're cooking, you take it off the burner. There's still enough residual heat in the pan so things still cook but it also keeps things from getting burned. This realization didn't make me miss her any less however it also made me realize that the break was a positive thing, regardless of what the outcome was. It gave us both the time and space to think clearly more than anything.

One thing that was very helpful to me during these breaks was that I took the time to do something by myself that required being away from home and everything that was a part of my typical day. While I was doing it, I was either out of range or I put my phone in airplane mode so that I was out of touch with the outside world, though I did let anyone that might worry know that I would be out of service. In my case it was always either a daylong hike, a backpacking trip, or driving to some town I'd never been to where I'd eat, find a dive bar and sometimes end up in long conversations with the bartender or the other day drinkers. Not only did these trips give me space to think without distraction, they also gave me the opposite- periods of being in the moment when my mind wasn't in overdrive processing what was happening in my life. The latter sometimes just happened and sometimes was an active process in that I'd have to catch my running mind and say to it "hey, look at all these trees, listen to those birds, etc" but still, it worked.

I don't if any of this resonates with you but if it does, consider taking a day or day and night to yourself away from home during the upcoming break in communication. Temporarily being away from Rider, Dustin, daily responsibilities, etc might push you down the road towards the answer to that eternal question: "what does a Reverie want from life?"

At any rate, it's a tough situation no matter how you slice it so I hope the break in communication helps you all figure some of it out.

 

[Reverie]

So many things. Let’s see how many I get to before my posting energy peters out.

Chapter 1: Hometown

This chapter of the journey had three main themes: hanging with fam, processing with Rider, and missing Dustin. I spent nearly the entire time at my sister’s house. Rider and I did duck out for one walk in the woods and a couple of brief nights out on the town, and we did stop for beer and a meal on the way back from the airport.

I really enjoyed my family stuff. My mom has laid off some on the religious proselytizing, more mellow every year. My sister and I had some good, giggly moments. She’s so cute in her early pregnancy—as she says it, “that stage where you can’t tell pregnant from just getting fat.” I am so in love with her two-year-old that the last night I spent there, I literally cried before bed because I realized it was the last time I’d get to say goodnight to him on that trip. I cannot explain what a smart, sweet, cute, and well-behaved child he is.

I also got to see my brother and his wife and kid. My mom always talks about how my brother’s wife is kind of a bitch (though she would never use that word), but I’ve never seen her be anything but nice. The wife and Rider root for the same football team, so they always have that in common to talk about at Thanksgiving. My brother’s kid is less overall awesome than my sister’s, though he was also fun and cute. I don’t mean to play favorites, but it’s clear who is better behaved and sweeter and more verbally interactive, even though they’re a week apart in age.

The cousin I’m the closest to also came over. She’s three years younger than me and we were raised really close. She and her brother, who is my age, were like siblings to me growing up. We even lived together for a while as kids. She and I ended up a lot alike as adults; she also identified as bi and poly for a long while. She’s got a one-year-old kid now, though, and is happily monogamous with her dude. She never wanted kids and went so far as to schedule an abortion appointment before deciding to keep this one. I’d met her kid as a brand-new newborn last year, and it was fun to meet him again as a sentient being this year.

On Thanksgiving proper, it was just my mom and my sister’s family and Rider and me. My mom and I did most of the cooking, and my sister did a little. She’s more of a baker than a cook, and contributed a delicious chocolate pie. I made garlic-Parmesan mashed potatoes and my kickass mushroom gravy and sautéed asparagus and also zucchini because it’s my brother-in-law’s favorite. And my mom made the turkey and a bunch of other veggies and some box stuffing. I really cherished cooking with my family.

Dustin finally texted me Thanksgiving evening and resumed our communication. We talked on the phone and . . . it’s still complicated. He was super, super happy to talk to me. He missed me a lot too. He also had nightmares not talking to me. He did not want to break up immediately, though he still didn’t rule out that he might have to in the near future sometime. I’ll go into that more later.

Rider and I spent lots of time processing while we were there. The first night was the Anna stuff, which we handled mostly over dinner and then afterward in our room. He didn’t realize how much it would bother me, and he said he won’t do more with her now that he understands. He did say he still wanted to, and that still bugged me, but I know that people can’t help their desires, only their actions.

He said that, in part, the fact that she had said that inappropriate shit to me had made a positive net impression on him, because she was sticking up for him even if she’d gone about it all wrong. He had talked to her and told her it was uncool of her to go to me like that—if she has questions about our relationship, she should ask him—but he recognized that the core instinct was a protective, worried one. This also bugged me.

And he said that it was so nice just to get attention and feel desired; he is hyper-aware of my low levels of desire, and it makes him feel like shit, so when someone “throws him a bone” it’s super tempting just to snap it up, no matter who the person might be.

Of course, I feel terrible about that. And now that this trip is out of the way, I do intend to try to do something about it. I’m currently flat broke (traveling is expensive even when I’m trying to do it on the cheap) but I’m hoping to be able to scrape some money together for a counselor and for the books recommended to me in the desire thread.

But we did eventually reach an “over it” point with the Anna stuff. I was satisfied that he’s not going to pursue more stuff, and, in light of that, I was able to let go of the parts that still bugged me. When I think of it now, I feel nothing instead of feeling troubled.

We also did lots of other processing, though. Most of it was about my desire stuff. It came to light that we’d had a misunderstanding somehow. All that talking we’d done pre-wedding about how my libido tends to tank a few years in, and would he be able to be happy with me if we ended up mostly companionate and having more sex with others than with each other—he hadn’t really been hearing what I meant. He told me he assumed that would be “eventually, like when we’re old.” Which, in my understanding is pretty common, and not something that one might have to warn against before marriage.

What I’d been warning of was that, for me, it tends to happen pretty early. I thought I’d expressed that clearly, but either I hadn’t been as clear as I thought, or he hadn’t heard me properly, or something. He told me that if he had known and understood, then he wouldn’t have married me. That really stung, and I told him so, and he apologized. We spent a fair bit of time talking about how, yeah, right now sucks for him, but if he wants to break up with me over it, then it’ll eventually get better for him. He’ll eventually find a nesting partner who is more normal. Me, I feel like I’m more or less stuck being this way, unless I can somehow resolve it in counseling. This whole thing may suck for me forever. For now, though, he’s the one suffering the brunt of it, so I’m going to do my best to mitigate the situation. I feel super guilty about it. Why can’t it just come naturally?

Processing aside, we did have some fun adventures. Thursday, we went on a walk through the autumn woods across the street from my sister’s house and found some train tracks. It was windy, but the trees were catching the wind and waving around a lot at the top, and the wind wasn’t much making it down to the bottoms where we were walking. I really liked tromping through the nature with him.

We also went out to meet a friend of Rider’s Thursday night who also grew up near where I did and was home for the holiday. We went out for a couple drinks with her and watched her friend perform a few songs. And we went to the historic downtown area where Jake works because he’d told me he would be tending bar Friday night, but he’d ended up getting sick and calling out, so Rider and I had little bar-hopping adventure instead. That was a lot of fun.

And Rider had one adventure on his own. He went out to a local bar while my cousin visited, because three babies in the house was just too much for him to bear. I saw his hair starting to stand on end and offered him the keys to the rental car, and he happily escaped for a few hours. I enjoyed hanging with my relatives and playing with the kids.

Saturday morning, I dropped Rider off at the airport and started the shorter second leg of my trip.

(continued . . . )

 

[Reverie]

( . . . continued from previous)

Chapter 2: Dustin’s Home State

The drive from my sister’s house to Dustin’s sister’s house would normally take about three hours, but there was a bit of traffic, so it was closer to four hours. I left Rider at the airport at noon, and I arrived near four, shortly before sunset.

Dustin’s sister’s house is basically a castle, haha. It’s a big mansion with a ton of different rooms, and it’s out in the country. We stayed in the in-law suite upstairs, which had its own bathroom and living room. There was a huge backyard, and the first thing Dustin did was drag me out back by the hand to watch the deer eat. They were so cute!

After that, we went up to the room to put our stuff away, and then came back down. I met his mom, teenaged niece, and infant nephew. His sister, her husband, and their toddler were off at a theater watching one of those live-action musical kids’ shows.

Then we went into the basement to play ping-pong for a while. Dustin had picked up a couple of nice local ciders for us to drink, so we split one while we played. Afterward, he tried to teach me how to ride his niece’s hoverboard, but I kept feeling like I was going to fly off and break my neck on the cement basement floor, so I begged off after a moment, haha. He also gave me some pointers at pool, which I suck at and can never remember the rules after any length of time has passed.

We went back upstairs to hang with his mom. His niece had gone off somewhere with her boyfriend. The baby was fussy because he was getting hungry and his mom wasn’t home yet, and Dustin discovered that if he played the piano, it would soothe the baby, so he played three songs. Between songs, the baby would start to fuss again, but while Dustin played, the baby was silent. I could see his little baby brain gears turning, trying to figure out WTF is music.

After a while, Dustin’s sister and gang came home. She and her husband both seemed really nice. The toddler was a holy terror, though. They obviously let him run the house. He was running barefoot along the kitchen counters, shrieking and getting into the cupboards and eating unlimited marshmallows right out of the bag (which he’d pulled out himself), and no one was telling him no. He was the polar opposite of my sister’s mellow, well-behaved child.

Eventually, the brother-in-law left to go to a casino, and Dustin used that as a segue to excuse us for a while and we went up to our room. We’d intended to only unwind and have a glass of wine up there, but we ended up having sex too. It was only a quickie, but it was really good. I could definitely tell it had been nearly a week. Both of us were super riled up.

After sex, we made ourselves presentable and went downstairs for dinner, which was takeout Japanese that the niece and her boyfriend had picked up. The toddler continued being a terror, standing across the room and throwing toys toward the table. His mom tolerated this till he almost hit his baby brother in the head, after which he was scolded and commanded to apologize. Which he did not do. I was truly appalled at the child’s behavior, but it seemed to be mostly a parenting issue. His parents clearly let him be a little tyrant.

He wasn’t all terror, though. Once dinner was cleaned up, his mom gave him an Italian ice, and he came over to the couch where Dustin and I were sitting. I had my head in Dustin’s lap, and the kid came over and sweetly plopped onto my feet. His mom put on Frosty the Snowman, and he stayed perfectly still except for occasionally turning to us and trying to engage us in barely intelligible conversation. He just cuddled up to my legs and watched the show and licked his snack in peace.

Dustin’s mom called up from the basement, asking him to help carry up some boxes of Christmas decorations. He and his mom and sister spent about 45 minutes doing that, so toddler duty fell to me. I was just happy he was actually being sweet. He let me clean the drooled red ice-goo off of his face and the front of his shirt, and he actually showed me how to change the DVD when I told him I didn’t know where it was. He led me over to the cabinet in the other room, opened it, and pointed! I was tickled that he’d understood me and knew how to do it.

When Dustin was done helping his mom and sister, he wanted to take me out for a drink. We ended up going to two little towns on the water nearby, but both were a bust. He couldn’t find the bar he used to know in the first one (said maybe it closed), so we just stood by the bay watching the lights on the other side. And in the second one, we split one drink in an Irish pub, but it was far too crowded to be comfortable.

He decided that we should just return to his sister’s and raid her bar instead. They have a very impressive bar that is stocked with more stuff than you can imagine, and they don’t drink, so they’re happy to see some of it used.

When we got back, his sister was putting the kids to bed, so we said goodnight. She told us we could open a bottle of the nice champagne, so we did, and we sat in front of the Christmas tree sipping it and cuddling. It was very mellow and festive.

We had a midnight snack of some of the leftover mashed potatoes I’d brought from my family’s, then grabbed another bottle of wine and went upstairs. There, we had literally the best sex I’ve ever had in my life. I had only one orgasm, but the sensations I was having after that just completely blew my mind. I felt like a conduit for some kind of crazy life-force power, like it was shooting into me through him and then out of me through every cell. It felt like I had goose bumps for an eternity. I cannot properly explain it.

Sex is so crazy, how it is possible to make a body feel so good and totally short-circuit a brain. The fact that I’m capable of such sensation makes me wonder how I can possibly have desire issues with anyone ever—it’d make more sense if I just craved that sensation and that closeness consistently forever, but that’s just not how it seems to work, at least not so far.

After sex, we lay around talking and drinking wine and kind of processing for a while. Dustin said he often feels like we aren’t “really together” and that our labels for each other as boyfriend/girlfriend are just a convenient shortcut but don’t tell the whole story. He has a hard time feeling like I’m a “real girlfriend” and trusting me completely. I kind of scoffed at this—I told him if we weren’t “really together,” why would I be, at that exact moment, in bed with him at his family member’s house on the other side of the continent from the city where we live on a holiday weekend?

He sighed and said that he gets my point, but it is still hard for him to reconcile what we have and what he usually thinks of as a relationship—what’s the point in labeling something at all when it conveys a different meaning to most people than what is actually true, including him? He feels super serious about me, but we can’t have together the things that he thinks of as where real serious relationships are usually headed. When I asked, it was stuff like moving in together and getting married and going to each other’s work functions and public and familial recognition. He said he’s not sure he’ll ever feel fully secure in the relationship if that kind of stuff will never be on the table.

I asked him what happened to his not believing in marriage and not understanding why people even do it, and he kind of shrugged and said he understands now and feels differently. He said that it had always seemed stupid to him before because until he met me, all he’d ever seen of it was people who lied and cheated and guilted each other and held grudges and tried to control each other. He couldn’t imagine a woman in existence that he’d want to legally tie himself to like that.

But now that he knows that I exist and that he can be completely honest with me—tell me all the good and the bad about him, and the wild and fucked up shit he’s done, and I don’t judge him or flip out or hold grudges or anything like that—and we’re so compatible in so many ways, he gets it. He gets the idea of wanting to settle down and build together and present a united front to the world. And it troubles him that I, the person who has made him finally understand, am not available to him in that capacity.

He said, in other words, that he is pretty sure he’s going to get to a point where the inability to escalate further is more of a constraint than he can live under, even if it means he has to be alone again. Whether or not he ever finds this with anyone else, it may be healthier for him to go back to being alone rather than stay with me. And if my situation changes, I can always get in touch and see if he’s still single and wants to try again.

He did say that he was not yet to that point. He still wants to do our New Orleans trip next month. He wants to ride it out as long as it’s bearable for him, because he enjoys my company and knowing me improves his life. But he may indeed want to do no-contact again while he’s in the Caribbean with his family next week.

I cried a little during that conversation, and he kissed away my tears. He said he can see how much I really love him, and he’s touched by it. Honestly, when I think of him breaking up with me, I feel a panicky despair so intense that it’s the most intense negative emotion I’ve had since when I was super upset and jealous about the Rider+Kelly situation back in the spring of 2015. Since it sounds like it’s a matter of “when,” not “if,” I need to figure out how I’m going to handle myself when it inevitably happens.

After our processing conversation, we kissed and cuddled some more, eventually falling asleep far later than we meant to.

(continued . . . )

 

[Reverie]

( . . . continued from previous)

We had to wake up early to catch Dustin’s niece’s riding lesson. She had asked us to come watch and meet her horse. We got coffee beforehand and showed up to the stable, which was a few miles away. The countryside was so beautiful! There were still fall colors everywhere. It was pretty cold and windy, though. We caught the last 20 minutes of the lesson and petted the horse.

Then Dustin took me to the best grocery store I’ve ever seen in my life. They had so much stuff there—produce I’d never even heard of, and most that I ever have! We picked up some fresh pressed apple cider, mulling spices, and some bulbs of fennel and shallots for a dish to contribute to dinner that night.

After the grocery store, he had a short hike in mind. On the way to the park, we did a slow drive-by of his favorite musical artist’s estate. I giggled because I have similarly looked up where mine lives and have more than once done a slow drive-by just out of a sense of wanting to feel her energy in the air.

The park was gorgeous. I found a fossilized shark’s tooth in the pebbles of the stream’s edge. Dustin had told me, “If you look in those rocks, you can find shark’s teeth,” so I did, and I did. He was shocked and amazed that it had taken me less than 30 seconds. I joked that it was because he’d told me I could, so I did.

He showed me the vines that raspberries grow on in the summer, and we swung on a different kind of vine across the creek, and I balanced and romped on logs. We paused frequently to kiss. I took a lot of photos.

Then he wanted to take me to a nearby architectural wonder. We drove around the outside, and it was interesting, but it was closed so we didn’t get to go inside. By then it was nearly noon, and he had a ton more he wanted to show me, so we went back to his sister’s to pack our stuff since we were staying at his parents’ that night. I said goodbye to his sister and the kiddos, figuring it’d be the last time I saw them for a while.

From there, we started on our journey southward, making plentiful stops in a number of little towns. One was at a cheese shop, where we bought three different kinds of cheese, both to nibble on the drive and to bring to dinner. One was at a historic convention center by the sea where they have music sometimes. Dustin told me stories of how his older family members saw Led Zeppelin, Elvis, and the Doors there back in the day. I was intensely envious.

He showed me two little venues in that same town that were two of the places where he first played shows, as a 13–15-year old in a punk band. I, too, was in a punk band around that age (though we never really played shows), so it was another neat little bit of something in common.

Further down the coast, he took me to the ocean area closest to the neighborhood where he grew up. We walked along the closed, carnivalesque boardwalk where he had his first job and under which, at 13, he lost his virginity and started taking acid. I, too, lost my virginity and started taking acid at 13, so yet another thing in common. Not everything on the boardwalk was closed. There was a pizza and beer joint open down at the end. Normally I’m not much for pizza, but he said the pizza there is really good, so we went in and split a slice and each had a drink. The slice was huge. He laughed at me because my instinct was to slide an edge off the side of the plate and nibble it, when actually you are supposed to fold it up like a taco!

When we were done, the sun was getting low in the sky and the light was all pretty and orange. There was a little . . . wedding arch? . . . or something, out back of the pizza place by the sand. It had a piece of plywood beneath it, and I laughed about the idea of getting married by the sea on a piece of plywood behind a pizza place.

“I think it sounds great,” he said. And he grabbed my hands. “Will you promise me something?” he asked.

“What would that be?” I replied, a little nervous.

“Will you promise me that if your situation changes, you’ll come looking for me so that we can try again and see what it’s like with just us?”

I thought for a moment. I’d already promised him, previously, that if Rider and I broke up for some reason, and Dustin and I were still together, that I’d consider going mono with him. But this was something different. This was him leaving the ball in my court to come back to him after he dumps me, after who knows how much time has passed. But, fuck, what did I have to lose? The worst that could happen was that I’d reach out to him and he’d already be with someone else. Nothing lost in that case, if I didn’t have him to begin with. It was kind of a no-brainer.

“OK, I will,” I said. “But you have to promise me something back. Promise me that if I do that, you’ll actually take me back, if you’re not with anyone else. I don’t expect you to wait for me, but don’t get bitter in the meantime and forget what this is like. Keep your heart open.”

“I will,” he said. And we kissed for a long time.

Then he eyeballed the level of the sun and said, “If we want to do that last hike, we should head over there now. Or I guess we could skip it . . .”

“No, let’s do it!” I said. And we headed back down the boardwalk, holding hands. It was getting very cold, so I gave him my left glove, so we could each have a glove on and hold hands, putting the other hand in our pocket.

(continued . . . )

 

[Reverie]

( . . . continued from previous)

We crossed a bridge into the town where he grew up. He started pointing out landmarks to me—stores and things that used to be other things. Finally we came to a county park. The sun was starting to go down and the sky was awash in the most beautiful colors: pastels in the east and neons and jewels in the west. Fluffy reeds made a fantastic photo backdrop. Further along, the silhouettes of dead pines in the marsh in the deepening darkness were stark and gorgeous. We stopped and looked at placards telling us the names of the kinds of trees. Some we already knew: holly, cedar, red maple. Some we did not: blackgum, pitch pine, some kind of tall, upright oak. Dustin pointed out the direction of woods he and his friends used to walk in to party, having winter woods parties with a fire. We walked all the way to the end of the path, which petered out at the sandy beach of a bay. We sat on the bench there and kissed, our faces so cold that they startled each other. Then we made our way back in the dark. I was glad we’d decided to go.

We stopped off at the liquor store to pick up some blackstrap rum to add to the cider. Dustin also bought us a half-bottle of port. From there, it was only a few blocks to his parents’ place.

When we pulled into the driveway, he pointed out the holly that his parents had planted when he was born. It blew my mind that they’d lived there for so long. My own family moved around a lot when I was a kid.

I met Dustin’s dad and said hi to his mom, and then Dustin gave me the tour of the house, along with its history. This room used to be a porch. These stairs were part of the kitchen. The upstairs floor was added on when his grandmother came to live with them after his grandfather died. Lining the walls were photos of adorable blond children in various poses, as well as black-and-white ancestor photos. There was a sense of history and of the importance of family that explained a lot to me about how Dustin is.

In elementary school photos, I saw a beauty mark just above his lip where there is now a jagged scar. “You used to have a beauty mark?!” I asked. “That’s what the scar’s from?”

“Yeah,” he shrugged and looked sheepish. “I tell people when they ask that I got it in a fight, because it’s easier than explaining that I have a family history of melanoma and they wanted the mole taken off just in case, and it kind of disfigured me.”

“You told ME you got it in a fight,” I said. He shrugged again.

“You asked before I really knew you. Now you know.”

After the tour, we went into the kitchen and had port and cheese while we chatted with his parents. I really liked them both. Then his mom and I prepared dinner (she did most of it, but I contributed fennel, mulled cider, and mulled wine). She pulled me aside and explained to me that his father doesn’t drink, so he would be having the non-alcoholic version of the cider.

“He had a problem with whiskey,” she said. “It was really bad. But he’s OK now.”

I glanced at Dustin, who piped up, “Me too, as it turns out. Whiskey does bad things to me. She [he gestured to me] knows all about it.”

His mom looked concerned and then said pointedly to me, but loud enough so that he could hear, “I’m surprised, since he saw what it did to his father. But there’s always room to change.”

Dinner was delicious, and the conversation was good. It never got too awkward. Dustin’s dad liked the cider. After dinner, we sat around talking some more. We talked about plants and Dustin pulled a stack of books from his father’s shelf that he’d thought I might want to look at. We flipped through the books while his mother did the dishes. His dad told me I could borrow them if I wanted, so I did.

Then his mother came and sat and the two older folks had pie while Dustin and I had spiked cider. Dustin started to look more and more tired (he’d been driving me around all day), and said we should go up soon to take a bath. His mom happily provided us with bath bombs.

The tub upstairs was really nice, with jets and everything. We took a long bath till we were all pruney. I gave Dustin an intensive head and face rub. Then we toweled off and started to get sexy in the bed. His mom interrupted, though, realizing she wasn’t sure she was going to see me the next day and wanting to say goodbye. It was very sweet but a little awkward, hugging her while in bed with the sheet pulled up over me, while Dustin feigned using the bathroom.

When she had gone back downstairs, we resumed our activities. He got me off orally, then wanted to be rimmed. He’s super into that, actually. And then we had really hot PIV, culminating in face-to-face sex on our knees on the floor, when the bed proved too squeaky for propriety, haha.

We lay in bed for a time more, talking.

“I’m serious about being done with the whiskey,” he said. “It really does bad things to me. I can drink two whole bottles of wine to myself without incident, but whiskey brings out the worst in me. Will you try to help me make sure I don’t drink it?”

“OK,” I said. “What about the cocaine?”

“The whiskey is what makes me want to do it. I think that if I cut one out, the other will be easier to cut out too.”

“All right, then. No more whiskey,” I said. “I’m gonna hold you to it.”

In the morning, I decided at the last minute that I’d drive him up to his sister’s to save his mom a trip of coming back down to get him. She'd gone up to babysit before we woke up. It also gave me a chance to say goodbye to everyone one more time. Then I drove the (thankfully traffic-free) three hours back to my own hometown, boarded a plane, and had a relatively uneventful set of flights back.

(continued . . . )

 

[Reverie]

( . . . continued from previous)

Chapter 3: Rider’s Weekend

Rider had a good time while I was gone. Annie (not to be confused with the unfortunately similarly-named Anna, who I didn’t know would resurface when I named Annie) and her partner picked Rider up from the airport and took him to my work, where I’d stashed our car. Rider and Annie had a nice date and had naked times for the first time, with her wanting only to do stuff to him at this point. So I guess their relationship is progressing. I figure it would be good if I met her at some point, since this seems to be A Thing now, but I'm not champing at the bit or anything.

The next day, Annie and her partner invited Rider to a friendsgiving plus board game party they were having, and it sounds like he had a good time at that as well. Then Rider had a date with another chick, who came over to the apartment and they cuddled and watched movies but did not make out. She tried to spend the night but couldn’t tolerate it, due to what Rider thinks was some combo of her back pain, our rambunctious animals, and his snoring. He really likes her but is not sure if that one’s going anywhere since she wouldn't let him kiss her yet.

Yesterday he just hung out with his fan club friends and then came to pick me up.

------------------------------------

I have an additional chapter I’d like to write, but I don’t currently have the time. It will be about my internal processing re: Rider things (desire, etc.), Dustin things (imminent dumping, echoes of our conversations, etc.), and my progress on the kid thing now that I spent a week surrounded by children under the age of three. Hopefully I’ll have a bit of time to write tonight or tomorrow. We shall see.

 

[Reverie]

Last time I was a hinge, I found myself in a very similar situation a couple of times. My relationship with my girlfriend had very intense chemistry as well as a feeling like we fit each other very well, not just physically but also in the things we liked to do together. For both of us, it was quite unlike anything we'd ever experienced in a relationship. However, like Dustin she'd never been in an ethically non-monogamous situation and at times struggled with certain aspects so there were a few times times that we took a break in communication.

What ultimately became of the situation, if you don't mind sharing?

I don't if any of this resonates with you but if it does, consider taking a day or day and night to yourself away from home during the upcoming break in communication. Temporarily being away from Rider, Dustin, daily responsibilities, etc might push you down the road towards the answer to that eternal question: "what does a Reverie want from life?"

At any rate, it's a tough situation no matter how you slice it so I hope the break in communication helps you all figure some of it out.

This is a good idea. I don't have a whole day free, due to work, but I could take an evening to myself, at least, and go somewhere unusual to me and have a little space-taking adventure.

 

[Spork]

Um.

The thing you described in your "best sex of my life" story, with the energy and that? I have felt that exactly once before...the time I got pregnant with my first kid. If you notice your boobs feeling funny, get tested. I'm sure you're taking precautions, but no method is 100% as I'm sure you know. Both times for me the first sign (almost immediate) was that my boobs felt weird. Kind of sensitive, tender, just...odd. It was noticeable.

Just sayin'.

Wouldn't it be wild if THAT happened??

Oh, and with regard to your libido tanking out once NRE wears off... You mentioned Rider finding someone "more normal" who did not have that problem. Yeah, sorry, it's actually pretty normal. There is a reason why so many stand up comedian men have talked about how getting married meant having a less-than-optimal sex life (or no sex life.) It's because that is a thing that happens. Does it have to be that way? I don't know. I do know that if you are going to have it not be that way, it takes effort and attention to alter your natural course. It really does help (at least it helps me) to understand and have language for what is going on. The book, Come As You Are...if you haven't read that, then do so. It's been really helpful to me. I know what the "brakes" feeling is now, when you are with your guy and you could have sex now, and for some reason your mind starts looking for excuses not to.

One thing I know of is that some of the couples I know in my BDSM community have used kink as a way to bring excitement and desire back. One older couple was sleeping in separate bedrooms and not having sex at all, and she began looking into BDSM and they adopted a Master/slave power dynamic. It relit their fire bigtime. Just an example. Not saying that in particular is the end-all, be-all...but that it can help to bring a big new something into your comfortable established relationship that you can explore together.

 

[Reverie]

Um.

The thing you described in your "best sex of my life" story, with the energy and that? I have felt that exactly once before...the time I got pregnant with my first kid. If you notice your boobs feeling funny, get tested. I'm sure you're taking precautions, but no method is 100% as I'm sure you know. Both times for me the first sign (almost immediate) was that my boobs felt weird. Kind of sensitive, tender, just...odd. It was noticeable.

Just sayin'.

Wouldn't it be wild if THAT happened??

Ha, yeah, that would be a dilly of a pickle, for sure. But I'm pretty sure the event in question was about a week too late for that. I have noticed, though, another weird "energy" thing that I don't think I've mentioned here yet. It's a new phenomenon to me, happening only in the past month or so, and it doesn't happen every time.

This is probably going to sound really weird, and I'm not sure whether I will be able to explain it well enough, but I will try.

OK, so I've been with lots of guys who have a "tell" shortly before they come, where I know it's inevitable. Dustin doesn't always have that. Sometimes he does, but sometimes it seems to happen super sudden with no warning, after a very long time of fucking. But lately, on occasion there is a different kind of "tell"—I feel what feels like a single blast of energy come through him and into me, and it heightens my pleasure incredibly, like a temporary hyper-electric sensation.

When I feel that, I know his orgasm is close, but the electric wears off shortly before he actually has it. It's the weirdest thing, because it's not a visible thing, or a motion thing, or an . . . anything. He doesn't do anything different, change the rhythm, change position, or anything. But I feel it, whatever it is, and, without fail, the times that's happened, he's gotten off just a few moments later.

Oh, and with regard to your libido tanking out once NRE wears off... You mentioned Rider finding someone "more normal" who did not have that problem. Yeah, sorry, it's actually pretty normal. There is a reason why so many stand up comedian men have talked about how getting married meant having a less-than-optimal sex life (or no sex life.) It's because that is a thing that happens. Does it have to be that way? I don't know. I do know that if you are going to have it not be that way, it takes effort and attention to alter your natural course. It really does help (at least it helps me) to understand and have language for what is going on. The book, Come As You Are...if you haven't read that, then do so. It's been really helpful to me. I know what the "brakes" feeling is now, when you are with your guy and you could have sex now, and for some reason your mind starts looking for excuses not to.

I actually have that book in my (until recently misplaced) Kindle and have been meaning to get around to finishing it. Someone(s) here, maybe you, recommended it back in the early part of the year. I can't remember if it was in response to my own libido issues, which started back in August of last year, or if I read it in a different thread and got curious. Now that I've found my Kindle again, I'll definitely give it a whirl.

One thing I know of is that some of the couples I know in my BDSM community have used kink as a way to bring excitement and desire back. One older couple was sleeping in separate bedrooms and not having sex at all, and she began looking into BDSM and they adopted a Master/slave power dynamic. It relit their fire bigtime. Just an example. Not saying that in particular is the end-all, be-all...but that it can help to bring a big new something into your comfortable established relationship that you can explore together.

This is . . . complicated. Rider is super, super kinky, and he introduced me to a ton of stuff I'd either never even heard of, or that I'd heard of and never been inspired to try. He's into so many kinky things that it'd be easier to list the things he's NOT into, lol.

I had a lot of fun in the early days, with the novelty of learning how to do it all. I learned how to top somewhat, because Rider is naturally super subby. I learned how to tie Rider tightly to the bedposts and make him squirm and shudder. I learned about chastity. I had a lot of fun figuring out how to generalize my always-present love of boys in makeup to expand to encompass his cross-dressing stuff. I'd never done more butt stuff on boys than a tongue and a finger, so the world of butt plugs and toys and strap-on was totally new to me. We even delved into cutting because it's something I'd played around with as a teenager and I'd been interested in revisiting it as an adult.

And a couple of times he switched for me and tied me up, but I didn't so much like being restrained, so after the first couple of times, when he'd offer to do it again, I turned him down.

Rider loves being a pet, being a toy, being dominated and used. And I . . . thought it was cute, mostly, for a long time. It's cute when the person you're in NRE with makes puppy eyes at you. But I'm kind of naturally subby myself, and when the novelty of learning the new things wore off, I found myself kind of getting lazy and dreading having to do the thing, and it was a two-fold issue: having to pick the thing, and having to do the thing.

At first, I just got lazy about and dreaded being the one to pick, but I was perfectly happy doing the thing if he picked, or if I let my "randomized sexual activities spreadsheet" pick (yes, I created a spreadsheet of all the stuff he liked to do and would randomize it so that it would pick for me—I'm a nerd). That went on for a while, and worked for a while.

But after a while, I started to kind of even dread doing the things that were picked for me. "Elaborate" sex started to bore me more than "regular" sex, because at least during "regular" sex, I could focus more on deriving pleasure from the shared sensation. So we started doing less and less of the stuff we used to do. It's like the opposite of a couple that starts out vanilla and wants to "spice things up" . . . I got burnt out on spice and kind of felt like I'd killed my spice receptors. So like 90% of the time, lately, when we do anything, it's just the basics.

And I know Rider would like to do more kinky stuff. He lights up if I offer to tie his hands while doing something otherwise "regular." So sometimes I do. He would be over the moon with ecstasy if I planned a long, drawn-out kink session with him. And once in a while, I do. But I feel to some degree like I was accidentally a faker by being into doing that stuff at the beginning. I was doing it all to try it out for him, because he liked it, and very rarely because I had my own burning desire to explore. But I didn't feel "fake" at the time. I felt . . . "exploratory" . . . trying on hats, seeing what fit. It's just that I ultimately didn't really end up loving any of the hats, though they weren't hideous on me.

It's not that I don't have kinks—I do—but so far they are like . . . very specific unrealistic-and-outside-of-the-mainstream things that can only be accessed through written erotica. If I need to access them for sex, I do what Dan Savage calls "running a tape in your head." Or sometimes Rider will have me read things while he goes down on me.

But the vast majority of things that people think of as "the kink world," don't really do anything for me other than giving me a way to make someone else happy. They're like . . . an ACTIVITY rather than a SEX ACT to me.

To be completely honest (and I know I've written about it here), the only time I think I've really understood any kind of BDSM dynamic from the inside was when I first started hooking up with Dustin and got super, super turned on by how he is naturally pretty dominant.

Not in like a "wanting to tie me up" kind of way, but in how he tells me how to get (position-wise) and arranges me and sometimes holds me down . . . how he talks dirty to me and commands me to say things sometimes, even when I'm generally pretty non-verbal during sex . . . how his body language is always strong and commanding and almost proprietary. It makes something inside me go "purrrrrrrrrr" and it feels deliciously freeing to not have to be in control.

From some of what I've read, that's what some people like about BDSM, so I feel like maybe I truly understand it a little bit for the first time.

But I'm not sure I could have that same dynamic with Rider, even if he put on the act for me, because I see him so clearly in the other way, the way he naturally is and has always been, peering coquettishly up at me through mascara and squirming on a leash.

I'm not sure if any of that makes sense, and, truly, I am still mostly a novice in the world of kink, so maybe it doesn't. I'm open to hearing thoughts, though.

 

[Spork]

That totally makes sense! And I often tell discussion groups, often full of BDSM newcomers, that "we're all just making this shit up." There isn't a formula for it, unless you want to have one, but for the most part it's about finding those buttons in your head that rev your engines, and pushing them...and also about doing things that just plain feel good...like there is play that's more mental, and play that's more physical. I would say the power stuff is generally on the mental end of it, but like pain play activates the neurochemicals so that's more physical, and sensation play (like wax, fire, massage, etc) just plain feels good.

And heck yes do I ever understand what you're talking about with Dustin. Because I finally realized, in that Zen identifies merely as a "top" not a Dom or Master, and part of me wondered if that was...enough?...somehow?...as we progressed into our relationship. But it's perfect, is what it is. Because I am a bottom by preference. Sure, I can top if I want, but it doesn't push the buttons in my head. Very like how as a masochist I needed a Sadist in my life, even if my quad partners were willing to do the same things to me just to please me, they weren't actually getting anything from it so it wasn't the same. Using kink to just spice things up when you're not that into what you're doing, it does feel kind of fakey. More significantly, it lacks that charge of energy that comes when your sexual brain is completely turned on, and theirs is by what is happening too, and there's like a feedback loop going on almost where you feel their excitement like lightening charging you up.

So given that... Maybe your "chronic and predictable libido tank" issue is possibly a kinder excuse for a deeper truth, which is that despite loving him very much, you and Rider don't really have compatible kinks. That is a strong argument for polyamory at the very least. But it's got to be hard, when one of you finds someone who is a more optimal fit in that area.

 

[Reverie]

But it's got to be hard, when one of you finds someone who is a more optimal fit in that area.

With this . . . I believe that this is why I had such an intensely hard time with the Kelly thing. I mentioned it to Rider at the time, but he kind of pooh-poohed it away with how he and I were more compatible than the two of them in a bunch of other ways.

But Rider's and Kelly's kinks matched up close to 100% and, as someone who was deeply in NRE with and attached to Rider, I was legitimately terrified by this. I think, with hindsight, this terror made me try even harder to learn to do all the things and be The Person Who Could Meet All the Needs. Because god forbid someone else do better than me in some area with my partner. I was relaxed about the IDEA of that at the beginning—yay, I don't have to be everything to anyone—but, in practice, it felt like total shit to be a novice who was "up against" (scare quotes because life is not a competition, but it felt that way at the time) a chick who'd been doing suspension and grinder-spark shows since she was literally 18.

I have a wide streak of overachiever, having been spoiled by most things coming easily to me. I like to be able to be and do it all, and I can get very good at a thing very quickly even if I don't care for it much. I just . . . tend to forget how fully and quickly I also lose interest in those same things when they come from a place of wanting to just dabble or, worse, impress someone, rather than from the seeking of my own heart.

I guess I should really stop shooting myself in the foot in this way. I think I have been, actually, over the past year or so. But I'm still reaping repercussions from before.

 

[Tinwen]

What you write makes perfect sense to me, pretty much all of it. I didn't know Rider was subby. It can be indeed hard if not impossible to turn around the "natural" dynamics.

I learned to switch a bit at tantra, and since then we also switch at rope workshops. People around us tend to be really surprised - it's not usual at all to switch with the same person, especially within the course of one evening.
It's a practical thing for us to do because both me as a bottom and him as a top can get tired otherwise. Being a top is kind of fun, and I like my partner's blissful face, but it's not arousing for me and I always look forward to our established dynamics.

As for your orgasm, how wonderful I sometimes get a little glimpse of something similar. From what I've learned sex can sometimes open the gateways to altered states of consciousness, kind of like psychedelic drugs , but it's something to use, not to worry about

 

[Reverie]

There was just a . . . we'll call it a "poly glitch."

My nights this week with Dustin were supposed to be tonight, Friday night, and Saturday night. Usually I wouldn't give him both weekend nights, but he's leaving for the Caribbean with his family Sunday and I'm not going to see him for nearly a week.

So Rider scheduled a date and his first overnight with Annie for Saturday, which was to happen at our apartment because she has kids and I guess he'll never be staying over there or something.

But then it turned out that Dustin had mis-remembered his flight info. He'd said "leaving Sunday, I think at night." It's true that he is leaving Sunday, and leaving at night, but it's actually at 1:00 a.m. on Sunday, so kinda Saturday night. He's gotta be at the airport by 11:00 p.m. on Saturday. Which means that I'll be coming home after that.

So I told Rider about the change in plans, and he talked to Annie, and there was this whole big thing where he and she were discussing possibilities, and he and I were discussing possibilities, and, in the end, Rider decided he'd do the early part of their date at our apartment, and the later part "out somewhere."

When Rider said that it was frustrating, I apologized for Dustin's misunderstanding, and Rider said he's not mad because he knows it wasn't on purpose "but he did just blow up my first overnight with a new person, though."

And like. Something about that—and I'm not 100% able to put it into words yet but I'm just gonna free-write and try—really rubbed me the wrong way and tanked my mood. Part of it is likely just hormones, since I'm due to start bleeding over the weekend. But part of it . . .

To me, it SUCKS that things are so COMPLICATED. Like, Dustin can make a mistake and somehow be accidentally responsible for fucking up the night of someone three degrees out. And Rider can be irritated at him for it, even though it doesn't have anything directly to do with Rider.

Like, Dustin's travel schedule isn't only Dustin's. It's also mine, and then Rider's, and then Annie's, and probably her partner's too. Who knows if he was planning on having someone over and will have to scuttle that plan since she'll now be returning home. The whole thing seems, when I look at it that way, to be completely preposterous.

And then Rider said well maybe I can just sleep at Dustin's, even though he won't be there, and I can return home the next day, like I would have if he'd not messed the schedule up. And, yeah, I could. He never minds if I'm there when he's not. I have keys and stuff. Derek and Eve like me and don't mind having me around.

But when I'm consciously trying to not get fully absorbed in Dustin-world to the exclusion of my own, regular life, it seems like spending the night at Dustin's house without him and chilling with his family members, rather than coming home to my own apartment that I share with Rider and having mellow downtime and bonding time with my pets—it's counterproductive. I feel like if I chose to do that, it'd feel like some kind of crossed rubicon, symbolic in some way of some greater shift. I can't really put it into words yet. It's even more complex than what I'm able to describe here.

And even more than all of that, just the agency that Rider seems to have assigned to Dustin in this, even though he said he knows he didn't do it on purpose: "he did just blow up my first overnight with a new person" . . . it seems like such a dick thing to say.

Which is not to say that he was being a dick overall. He told me that the new plans were fine. And he told me that he's now looking forward to getting late-night cuddle time with me after his date that he otherwise wouldn't have gotten. But that one sentence seems so prickly and loaded.

I'll get over it. Stupid hormones. I just wish things weren't so complicated. I'm happy Rider is dating and has found someone he likes, but this new extra-domino effect is all-around too complicated and grump-inducing.

 

[AlwaysGrowing]

Not sure if this is helpful, but here's how I approach overnights in my home that I share with Hubby. I tell the person coming over that my schedule is open and Hubby plans to be out or that he has agreed to sleep over in little girl's room so that guest and I can have the master bedroom. I then clarify that if hubby's plans change, mine will too since it is his home as well so his comfort trumps company's welcome. If Hubby has agreed to be the child care, then he would be responsible for finding a babysitter unless it is illness that causes the change. If he just has a shitty day and doesn't want someone in his safe space (aka home) then guest and I can either reschedule or go to a hotel.

No matter what, even if it's a choice on hubby's part, it is his home and his choice to have someone there. Same for me with his overnight guests. If I'm not comfortable, they don't come over. So, long story short, overnight plans are always conditional if it includes my home.

 

[Dagferi]

Dustin could have everything Rider has with you except for the piece of paper.

Murf has everything Butch has except the marriage license. He has medical power of attorney. He is a beneficiary of my estate. We had a ceremony in front of family and friends. We own property together. We have pets together. We travel together. He is just as much my husband as Butch is.

I am just not home with him every night. But as he says it is no different than being married to someone who travels for work.

 

[Refusnik]

What ultimately became of the situation, if you don't mind sharing?

Not at all- she broke up with me in March. Before March my relationships with her and Lemon were both long distance (8 and 4 hour drive respectively with flying not being realistic due to my remote location) but Lemon was going to move back in with me. In addition to attempting to juggle the demands of hinging, I also had to consider my own needs -I have a strong need to go on my own recreational backpacking trips (going to beautiful difficult places without the planning required when traveling with others) on top of whatever outdoor stuff I'd do with either of them and I was also burning out from the amount of time of my phone that being a long distance hinge required. There was also my relationship with my mostly grown children. So once Lemon did move in with me, she felt like she would no longer be able to get the type and amount of time she needed even as we were falling more and more in love. For the time that I was dating her and living alone, any time we visited, we'd interact like we did when we had lived together but the logistics of it wouldn't work that way anymore. She also felt like remaining in the situation and not getting what she wanted out of it would eventually become toxic for her.

Even though I didn't see it coming, I wasn't surprised. I was heartbroken at hearing it but also, a bit confusingly, the way she handled it made me love her even more- she was so honest, kind and caring in doing it that I felt a twinge of admiration as it was happening because she's so damn good at communicating. That aside it was really hard and I'm still processing some of it.

 

[Reverie]

Not at all- she broke up with me in March. Before March my relationships with her and Lemon were both long distance (8 and 4 hour drive respectively with flying not being realistic due to my remote location) but Lemon was going to move back in with me. In addition to attempting to juggle the demands of hinging, I also had to consider my own needs -I have a strong need to go on my own recreational backpacking trips (going to beautiful difficult places without the planning required when traveling with others) on top of whatever outdoor stuff I'd do with either of them and I was also burning out from the amount of time of my phone that being a long distance hinge required. There was also my relationship with my mostly grown children. So once Lemon did move in with me, she felt like she would no longer be able to get the type and amount of time she needed even as we were falling more and more in love. For the time that I was dating her and living alone, any time we visited, we'd interact like we did when we had lived together but the logistics of it wouldn't work that way anymore. She also felt like remaining in the situation and not getting what she wanted out of it would eventually become toxic for her.

Even though I didn't see it coming, I wasn't surprised. I was heartbroken at hearing it but also, a bit confusingly, the way she handled it made me love her even more- she was so honest, kind and caring in doing it that I felt a twinge of admiration as it was happening because she's so damn good at communicating. That aside it was really hard and I'm still processing some of it.

Sorry to hear about your breakup and heartbreak. I fear that I am headed toward the same thing, but I'm going to make the most of it while I can.

 

[Reverie]

Dustin could have everything Rider has with you except for the piece of paper.

Murf has everything Butch has except the marriage license. He has medical power of attorney. He is a beneficiary of my estate. We had a ceremony in front of family and friends. We own property together. We have pets together. We travel together. He is just as much my husband as Butch is.

I am just not home with him every night. But as he says it is no different than being married to someone who travels for work.

Yeah, I think it's really cool how some people here can do that! I respect the shit out of everything that goes into it.

I don't really think it'd work for Dustin, though. The nights we're apart chafe him really bad. He says it'd be different if I were traveling for work, or something non-optional like that, but it hurts that it's my choice, and what I choose is to not be with him half the time. I don't think a part-time (or half-time) marriage is ultimately going to be a fit for him. I don't think he'd agree to make that kind of commitment under those circumstances, even if it's available to him. I think he's ultimately looking for something more traditional. Which is a shame, but I respect that he knows what he needs.