Reverie, you are one smart cookie, but I do have a question. Doesn't it kind of make you a little hesitant that Dustin is SO MUCH into you? This "love at first sight," and how you are the only woman he has ever truly loved, and that the other women were just "auditions." Yes, we are all unique snowflakes, but haven't you felt even a little bit concerned about the fact that this man has treated a number of women pretty badly? Don't you ever wonder you could wind up to be one of them? Who is to say he hasn't said those exact things to THEM?
I have just experienced a number of failed relationships in the past. It's always the ones who proclaim that I am the ONLY woman for them and they just feel so much for me who turn ice cold in the blink of the eye at best, or cruel at worst.
Hm, I just saw this post, probably because I was writing the others.
I am not sure about the "audition" thing in terms of actual relationships—he has told me that he did grow to truly love the others, but that it took time and effort, and they didn't end up being right for him in the end. He told me he still loves all of them on some level, and always will, and if any of them really needed something and asked him for it, he'd do what he could to provide it. But he doesn't try to actively be their friends because he feels like it would complicate things and he doesn't want to meddle in their now-happy lives with their husbands. The "audition" thing was more about the little short-term things he had going on that he terminated quickly.
He's still Facebook friends with all but one of them, anyway, and friendly with some of their their family members, and some of them with his, so I don't think he could have been outright abusive or anything like that. Once in a while, one of them will comment or post on his stuff. There's not an animosity there.
We actually did the "curious about each other's exes" Facebook tour shortly before he left for vacation—there were a couple of days of day-to-day chronology I didn't get to update because I was processing other stuff on here. He remembered them fondly but just said that there was always something that wasn't quite right. He also admitted to being too cowardly to break up with them when he realized that, instead becoming intolerable until they'd do the deed.
When people say, "Oh, all my exes were crazy" and have burned all those bridges and aren't even passing friendly with any of them, that's when my ears perk up for trouble. But he doesn't do that.
The cheating. Yeah, that's bad. But I have also done it, so I feel like I can't stand there in my glass house, you know? I feel like, in his situation, being in a touring rock band and then a house band in a big city full of pretty women, I probably would have done the same thing. Not that it's a good thing. Just that I can understand it and empathize with it.
I asked him why he even bothered to have a girlfriend instead of just being a single dude if he was just going to cheat, and he said he wanted some sense of stability, some kind of dependable love to say goodnight to. He admitted outright that he wanted to have his cake and eat it too. I also understand that urge, though I cannot commend it. In a way, it is (though lacking the honesty) close to what brought me to poly when I started it—that desire to find something lasting and stable while still being able to mess around.
But, to answer your main question, sure, I've thought about stuff like, "Does he pour it on this thick with everyone?" and "Is he going to end up cheating on me once the shine wears off?" and "Just like me, all of his relationships have lasted about three years—what if we both get bored with each other and it just fizzles out?" and "I'd like to pick the brains of some of these exes and find out if he's always had an attitude problem when drunk or if it's a new development." etc., etc., etc.
There was also a moment when I was listening to his love-song lyrics on his very first album ever, and I was like, jeez, it definitely sounds like he was so into these people, and I got a little jealous of the past, which is ridiculous, but then I remembered all the times—so many times—that I've been madly in love and said the same shit to so many people, and I was just like, "Well, if nothing else, we're a lot alike in that."
Oona long ago said something so similar about me as this statement: "It's always the ones who proclaim that I am the ONLY woman for them and they just feel so much for me who turn ice cold in the blink of the eye..."
She said I always will fall so hard for a guy, and they become the only person in the world to me, and they bask in the light of my super-intense love that is like something she doesn't see other people do, and they get used to it and think it's always going to be like that. But then something will happen to make me done, and when I'm done, I'm just done. I can shut it off like a faucet and let go super easily, barely even lingering in mourning of something that had once been the most important thing in the world to me.
I don't know if I'd say "ice cold," exactly, because I try to always remain friends and be nice, but I've been told it feels that way from the point of view of the one losing the intense heat of my attention.
I always feel like there is a reason for my sudden change, though, even if it's not visible till later with extended hindsight. And it's usually an improvement of some kind—my getting to know myself better or see somewhat more clearly what I want.
So, I don't know. Sure, I'm afraid of that being done to me. But I'm also kind of equally afraid of it happening the other way. Dustin and I are always saying to each other that we hope we don't get tired of each other. And one of the sweetest things he ever said to me is that since I change as often as he does, maybe we never will.