I kinda feel like what both of you are saying are actually illustrating my point.
First of all, my point isn't that they are EXACTLY the same.
My point is - you can love more than one kid. No one says you are a bad person/unable to commit/treating your kids poorly for having more than one kid/loving more than one kid.
I am NOT saying that they're exactly the same type of relationship. Obviously they're not, in so many ways.
But the things that both of you wrote back:
How many times have we heard a variation on these scenarios here?
One partner is upset that the hinge spends more time/energy/focus on the other partner.
Someone is concerned that their hinge partner is beyond polysaturated and doesn't have the time/energy/money to maintain all their relationships.
People get into poly and then get out of it, because they feel like it made them crazy/mentally ill/insecure/deeply unhappy.
To paraphrase YouAreHere: Just because you love your partners doesn't mean the balance is always correct, or that they're feeling all that great about it all the time.
I think the biggest differences between poly/having kids are that - in poly - the people on both sides of the equation have more tools to address them. Unhappy partners can break up with a partner, which kids certainly can't do to parents unless there is gross abuse/neglect. Unhappy partners (hopefully) have more emotional tools and life experience than children to go to another partner about any of the above examples and try to work through them.
Though based on some of my poly experiences, and some of the children I've known, I'm not going to say that being adult means you're naturally better equipped than a child to work through these things. I've seen emotionally aware children that had great parents be far more able to express their feelings clearly to their parents than some adults can do when trying to talk to another adult about their feelings.
But, those exact examples that you both brought up are things that I can point out to someone who does have kids and is familiar with them and use as examples of situations that arise in poly and can be worked out by all parties, much more equally than children, yes. Though OTOH, one thing I HAVE heard people say is that - as the kids get older - parenting multiple kids often involves watching the kids work out conflict between each other for themselves, or helping kids figure out what needs to be done to help them feel better/more secure (versus when they're younger, and parents are more often needed to take the lead and do those things for the children) and then providing feedback on whether or not the proposed solution is workable.
Similar to a conflict happening between partners and those two needing to go to a 3rd partner/metamour and saying: We think that X solution might help with this problem we're having. How do you feel about that solution? Are you comfortable with it? Will it work for you?
Does that make sense?
Again, not saying they're exactly the same. They are definitely not exactly the same. But a lot of the problem-solving dynamics can be similar, and to get back to my original point, people don't generally say "having multiple children is unfair to all the kids/shows a lack of commitment to your first child" in the same way that they might say "having multiple partners is unfair to all your partners/shows a lack of commitment".
First of all, my point isn't that they are EXACTLY the same.
My point is - you can love more than one kid. No one says you are a bad person/unable to commit/treating your kids poorly for having more than one kid/loving more than one kid.
I am NOT saying that they're exactly the same type of relationship. Obviously they're not, in so many ways.
But the things that both of you wrote back:
PokéGirl especially ends up feeling left out, or shorted by all sorts of things ("DanceGirl got a piece of candy!" "Yeah, but you just had a cookie!" // "You went to the mall with DanceGirl! I want to go to LocalComicShop and buy Magic Cards with you!").
Most people I know who grew up in multi child households are very well aware of how one quarter of a cake can be bigger than the other 3 quarters.
Lots of parents - while they may feel love and may act in love ways toward their children - are not entirely equipped with sufficient time, money and energy to be able to maintain all of those relationships and keep them healthy.
If they were, it wouldn't be so common for people to grow up with mental health problems that came from their childhoods.
How many times have we heard a variation on these scenarios here?
One partner is upset that the hinge spends more time/energy/focus on the other partner.
Someone is concerned that their hinge partner is beyond polysaturated and doesn't have the time/energy/money to maintain all their relationships.
People get into poly and then get out of it, because they feel like it made them crazy/mentally ill/insecure/deeply unhappy.
To paraphrase YouAreHere: Just because you love your partners doesn't mean the balance is always correct, or that they're feeling all that great about it all the time.
I think the biggest differences between poly/having kids are that - in poly - the people on both sides of the equation have more tools to address them. Unhappy partners can break up with a partner, which kids certainly can't do to parents unless there is gross abuse/neglect. Unhappy partners (hopefully) have more emotional tools and life experience than children to go to another partner about any of the above examples and try to work through them.
Though based on some of my poly experiences, and some of the children I've known, I'm not going to say that being adult means you're naturally better equipped than a child to work through these things. I've seen emotionally aware children that had great parents be far more able to express their feelings clearly to their parents than some adults can do when trying to talk to another adult about their feelings.
But, those exact examples that you both brought up are things that I can point out to someone who does have kids and is familiar with them and use as examples of situations that arise in poly and can be worked out by all parties, much more equally than children, yes. Though OTOH, one thing I HAVE heard people say is that - as the kids get older - parenting multiple kids often involves watching the kids work out conflict between each other for themselves, or helping kids figure out what needs to be done to help them feel better/more secure (versus when they're younger, and parents are more often needed to take the lead and do those things for the children) and then providing feedback on whether or not the proposed solution is workable.
Similar to a conflict happening between partners and those two needing to go to a 3rd partner/metamour and saying: We think that X solution might help with this problem we're having. How do you feel about that solution? Are you comfortable with it? Will it work for you?
Does that make sense?
Again, not saying they're exactly the same. They are definitely not exactly the same. But a lot of the problem-solving dynamics can be similar, and to get back to my original point, people don't generally say "having multiple children is unfair to all the kids/shows a lack of commitment to your first child" in the same way that they might say "having multiple partners is unfair to all your partners/shows a lack of commitment".