The conversion dilemma

[Cardinal]

I've read a few similar experiences so I thought I would solicit advice. I've recently shifted my attention from several relationship interests to a particular individual I've grown close to. We've engaged in light petting and a lot of holding. She recently left a 12 year marriage, which I think in some small part was my fault but not from any deliberate or intentional behavior. She's not a big communicator but opened up a lot the last couple days and is in absolute anguish about how she feels about me and her ex and her kids. In a nutshell she desires stability because she's a single mom raising 4 kids, but also freedom because she felt trapped in 12 year relationship with no emotional or sexual connection. The ex, obviously wants to get back together. I adore her and am always kind and honest, even about the ex-husband situation. In return she says she's falling pretty hard, but is equally confused about that because she isn't poly. She's spent some time around my primary and copes with affection toward her in a positive manner, but around other women who flirt with me becomes jealous and very protective. (My primary is same way honestly lol..) It's really hard to get a read on her since she relates to my primary in such a positive and cordial way.

So my take is she's trying to decide between stability with a relationship that already failed once but that she could feel "safe" in VS a relationship with me, a person she's got some NRE with who doesn't make her feel "safe" because she's tuned into her monogamous programming.

Are mono/poly pairings successful? Ethical? Anyone have a similar experience to relate?

 

[GalaGirl]

I mean this kindly ok?

Could not mess with recently divorced/divorcing people. They are hurting and need the time out to fully heal.

You talking about the ex and her situation? Is causing her to fall for you. So stop talking about it. Stop causing her new confusion/upset/anguish.

How is that being a kind friend?

Dating her at this time is premature. Speak your truths.

"I like you, and if this were different, I would be interested in dating. But right now you have a lot on your plate, and you may not even be into poly, so it is a "no go." Let's both accept that and keep this friends only at this time.

At this time, you need to focus on creating a new stability for yourself and kids. If talking too much with me about the ex stuff is causing you to develop a crush on me? Best we stop talking about it. You find support in THAT area of your life with someone else so you aren't in anguish, or confused. You don't need that extra load.

Me? I don't need to be your rebound guy. If things are going to develop between us? I rather it be later on when you are on your feet and solid again. Not like this. Not now. So let's both be clear on that."​

And then be firm about your personal boundaries. Friends only.

If anything did ever grow here, I assume you want it to be real and wanted and loved for you... and not like "Ack! I got divorced! Quick! Latch on to the first person who comes along so they can help me with my 4 kids and I don't have to single mom!"

Going slower is as much for her well being as for your own. Let her get stable, be a friend. Then in the future see what is possible.

So my take is she's trying to decide between stability with a relationship that already failed once but that she could feel "safe" in VS a relationship with me, a person she's got some NRE with who doesn't make her feel "safe" because she's tuned into her monogamous programming.

Or she could pick NEITHER and forge her own path.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Cardinal,

Mono/poly pairings are sometimes successful, but they take a lot of work. You seem to be focused on one particular woman who is not polyamorous. She is not 100% sure she is done with her 12-year marriage. You could become her partner, only for her to start thinking later that she should have gotten back together with her ex. That would be a crappy outcome. I am thinking she needs some more time to think things through. My advice would be not to grow NRE with her at this time. But you must make your own decision.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[vinsanity0]

I would be leery of the rebound effect. I'm also a little leery of monogamous women. That doesn't mean I wouldn't forge ahead and see what happens.

 

[Cardinal]

I'm also a little leery of monogamous women.

I'm new to this so perhaps you can provide something anecdotal or an experience of some sort that illustrates why you feel this way?

Could not mess with recently divorced/divorcing people. They are hurting and need the time out to fully heal.

How long honestly? from a personal perspective when my 8 year relationship died I would have given anything to have someone around to hold and be held, at least to combat the soul crushing anxiety that occurred. It's been a few months and we have chosen not to move things along and have tip toed around our feelings. I was often labeled damaged goods as a result of my separation so, keeping rebound issues in mind, I would feel like a hypocrite if I responded to her request for closeness with a declaration of distance.

You talking about the ex and her situation? Is causing her to fall for you. So stop talking about it. Stop causing her new confusion/upset/anguish.

I should have specified, we don't discuss specific details About our relationships, I merely meant I'm understanding by giving her space when she wants it, closeness when it's appropriate, and being respectful so as not to influence her decisions.

At this time, you need to focus on creating a new stability for yourself and kids.

I've pretty much told her as much, I have kids too I would never move forward if I saw danger to any of our little ones.

 

[vinsanity0]

I'm new to this so perhaps you can provide something anecdotal or an experience of some sort that illustrates why you feel this way?

My experience is they started out okay with it, or maybe curious, or maybe just not thinking clearly due to NRE. In every situation they ended up not being okay with it. One was a real rollercoaster ride. Another was very passive-aggressive. The woman in my sig would like us to live happily ever after, but is not willing to do that if I practice polyamory. She has no problem being a girlfriend though.

These experiences have made it hard for me to consider just letting go and falling in love with someone who identifies as monogamous because I don't want to be hurt in the future.

 

[KC43]

I haven't dated any monogamous *women*, but my first two boyfriends after I started poly were both mono. One of them was excruciatingly jealous, even of Hubby; he told me more than once that he only accepted Hubby being in my life because Hubby "was there first." When I met the second boyfriend, the first one was so angry and jealous that he committed a consent violation against me, thereby ending the relationship.

The second boyfriend was okay with me being poly, and didn't experience any jealousy, but he was terrified of the possibility of his employer or family (other than his ex-wife and kids) finding out he was dating a married woman. That resulted in him keeping an emotional wall up between us, which led to a very messy and painful breakup when he met a monogamous woman who told him she didn't want him to even be friends with me.

Hubby is also mono, but he doesn't experience any jealousy and doesn't have any issues with me dating others. So one-third of the mono guys I've been involved with since starting poly have been a good experience.

 

[GalaGirl]

I should have specified, we don't discuss specific details About our relationships, I merely meant I'm understanding by giving her space when she wants it, closeness when it's appropriate, and being respectful so as not to influence her decisions.

Thank you for clarfiying.

How long honestly? from a personal perspective when my 8 year relationship died I would have given anything to have someone around to hold and be held, at least to combat the soul crushing anxiety that occurred.

And that is why I prefer to keep some distance. I don't mind being supportive as a friend. But I don't want to be a FWB, the warm body woobie person, the rebound sex person. It's not a role I care to do -- being someone's life raft, propping them up. Like... that might be great for them. But not so hot for me. I think if things are that bad, they could see a therapist.

I was often labeled damaged goods as a result of my separation so, keeping rebound issues in mind, I would feel like a hypocrite if I responded to her request for closeness with a declaration of distance.

I don't think divorced people are "damaged goods." I just think they need some time to recover from the stress of divorce before they start dating again. And each divorced person takes their own time to heal. Everyone is different and will be ready at different times.

It's not hypocritical to say "I can only do this much at this time." That's just stating what your personal limits are.

I've supported friends through divorces. But I never dated them or shared sex with them as part of that support/comfort. It gets too weird to me.

Before I would date them? I would wait at least a year after the divorce is final before bringing anything date-y up with them. I would wait til they have their new home settled, new routines, etc. I want to know they have achieved their new stability and can offer themselves as healthy dating partners.

Galagirl

 

[PolyNatural]

I've read a few similar experiences so I thought I would solicit advice. I've recently shifted my attention from several relationship interests to a particular individual I've grown close to. We've engaged in light petting and a lot of holding. She recently left a 12 year marriage, which I think in some small part was my fault but not from any deliberate or intentional behavior. She's not a big communicator but opened up a lot the last couple days and is in absolute anguish about how she feels about me and her ex and her kids. In a nutshell she desires stability because she's a single mom raising 4 kids, but also freedom because she felt trapped in 12 year relationship with no emotional or sexual connection. The ex, obviously wants to get back together. I adore her and am always kind and honest, even about the ex-husband situation. In return she says she's falling pretty hard, but is equally confused about that because she isn't poly. She's spent some time around my primary and copes with affection toward her in a positive manner, but around other women who flirt with me becomes jealous and very protective. (My primary is same way honestly lol..) It's really hard to get a read on her since she relates to my primary in such a positive and cordial way.

So my take is she's trying to decide between stability with a relationship that already failed once but that she could feel "safe" in VS a relationship with me, a person she's got some NRE with who doesn't make her feel "safe" because she's tuned into her monogamous programming.

Are mono/poly pairings successful? Ethical? Anyone have a similar experience to relate?

Here's my 2 cents worth on Mono-Poly Pairings. Apart from that you seem to have things pretty well in perspective. The only thing I'd comment on is that rather than saying someone is or isn't poly, I'd say they either are or aren't in tune with their poly nature. This seems sort of like splitting hairs, but sometimes the fine points make all the difference. In this situation the individual you're speaking of isn't in tune with her poly nature ( yet ), but she is obviously poly at the core ( like every other normal human ). If she wasn't, her behavior would be very different. The conflict between her poly nature and her social conditioning is at the root of the problem ( as you keenly pointed out ). But she is demonstrating a remarkable ability to adapt. There is much hope.

 

[FallenAngelina]

I was often labeled damaged goods as a result of my separation so, keeping rebound issues in mind, I would feel like a hypocrite if I responded to her request for closeness with a declaration of distance.

Nobody is "damaged goods" unless they think of themselves as damaged goods. No label can touch you or influence you or make you feel bad unless you in some way believe it about yourself. People think all sorts of wacky things about us, but what we tune into is what makes our experience. I don't mean to lecture in Self Esteem 101, but this is important. Every newly separated or divorced person is going to feel differently. We all don't see ourselves as "damaged goods" at all. I've been separated for two years and have never felt like such hot property, to be honest. Listen to your prospective GF about how she feels. It won't necessarily be similar to your experience at all.