The couple I am polyamorous with want to have a baby

Csmarie

Csmarie

New member
I have been a part of a triad with a married couple for over three years now. We have had the commitment discussion, and have agreed that we are all a family together.

They have been together for 15 years. They want to try to get pregnant. I'm worried that my part of the relationship will become somehow unimportant. I am worried that I will no longer be considered part of the family once they have a small family of their own.

Does anyone have any advice on how I can deal with this, and the jealousy and fear it causes in me? Thank you.
 
Do you live with them?
 
Same boat

Hi, I can relate. My husband and I have been married for ten years. We have an 8-year old son. My husband told me that he didn't want any more children, so we made the decision to have my tubes tied in 2011.

Now our girlfriend, who will be moving in with us soon, wants to have a child with him. It hurts me that this is going to happen, because I gave up the ability to have more, and can't have any without help. I'm jealous of the fact that she will be able to have his children without any help.

They both tell me that they want me to help raise their child as if it were my own. Somehow I just don't see that yet, and I don't know if I ever will.

I know it's hard. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your feelings.
 
Trivia from a different perspective. I am in a V with my husband and boyfriend. We all live together. Dh and bf have helped raise my oldest daughter (22) from a previous relationship. We have all raised dh's son (17) from a previous relationship, our godson (16), dh's and my son (13), and bf's and my daughter (6).

We identified as a family for the purpose of parenting long before we were established as a poly family.
 
Have you shared your concern with them? The easiest and best way to deal with fear and jealousy, imo, is to seek reassurance from those involved. If they love you, they will help you navigate through this rough patch.
 
bookbug said:
Do you live with them?
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I don't live with them currently. Three months ago they invited me to move in, but I was dealing with some personal issues at the time and turned them down. If they asked again, I would live with them in a heartbeat.
 
BigGuy said:
Have you shared your concern with them? The easiest best way to deal with fear and jealousy is to seek reassurance from those involved. If they love you, they will help you navigate through this rough patch.
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It was brought up to me today, and kind of took me by surprise, as the last I knew, she was not interested in having children. At one point it was discussed that perhaps when I was ready, he and I could have a child. But her desire to have a child seemed to come out of the blue. I told them that it scared me, and I told them why. I was informed that I would be a part of all of it, and it would be special for all of us, which should be reassuring, but I still find myself very scared of this change. I am just hoping that maybe someone out there has been in this situation and could give me some advice from an outside perspective.
 
I should mention that when we discussed my longing to have a family in the future, she had said that we could discuss it when we get there, and that they could help me find a sperm donor, or possibly discuss my having his baby. I understand that they are married, and I am coming into their relationship, but after close to four years of us being together, I'm struggling with this fact, as well. I'm not sure why, but lately I am have been obsessing over feeling like an outsider to their relationship. I worry that their wanting to have a baby will only make this feeling worse.

Have any poly couples that brought a girlfriend into their relationship made a married-like commitment to her? I feel like I would be more comfortable with them starting a family if I truly felt I was a part of it. I don't want to be one of those women that needs a ring and a piece of paper, but I am scared of being pushed out due to their growing family.
 
The only thing you can do is ask what their baby-making means for your future. Are the same things still on the table?
 
Csmarie,

I say this with all respect to you and all the knowledge of having been in a similar situation. Plus, I actually have a six-month old sleeping right here beside me.

Things will change. It is inevitable. It could go any way. But I know deep down that I would soon as rip the face off of anyone trying to tell me how to mother my child, and so I think this whole, "You'll be involved too" thing is pie in the sky wish fulfilment. Since they are not yet parents, they just don't know.

If anything, it would only be on the periphery, like fetching for her, or holding the baby so she can have a bath, not parenting, because women are very loathe to give up any of that, even to the fathers. You know, newborns are very time-consuming, and women are pretty crazy the first few months. I consider myself a prime example.

If you consider riding it out and staying, you will feel like the 3rd (or 4th) wheel. That is also inevitable. You have to really ask yourself how integrated you feel.

You say they asked you to move in once. You said no, but if they asked again, you would do it in a heartbeat. Why the heck do you need to wait for them to ask? If you don't feel comfortable saying, 'I think we should take the next step and move in together. What do you think?' then how can you question whether you are equal? You aren't! Not really.

I think lots of us who have been there really know this deep down, but we don't want to acknowledge it.

Also, it seems they have been together for a loooong time. Has it been since childhood? Or is she getting on in years? If she is getting on a bit, she might find it hard to get pregnant at all.

Don't think for a minute you have a chance of having your own baby if she is having trouble getting pregnant. In fact, that idea might be vetoed even if she does get pregnant, since many women are very protective of genetic rights to their husband's DNA.

Enjoy the relationship for as long as you can bear it, but I don't think it is possible to really feel at ease in that situation. But that is me. YMMV.
 
Csmarie said:
When we discussed my longing to have a family in the future, she had said that we could discuss it when we get there, and that they could help me find a sperm donor, or possibly discuss my having his baby. I understand that they are married, and I am coming into their relationship, but after close to four years of us being together, I'm struggling with this fact, as well. I'm not sure why, but lately I have been obsessing over feeling like an outsider to their relationship. I worry that their wanting to have a baby will only make this feeling worse. Have any poly couples that brought a girlfriend into their relationship made a married-like commitment to her? I feel like I would be more comfortable with their starting a family if I truly felt I was a part of it. I don't want to be one of those women that needs a ring and a piece of paper, but I am scared of being pushed out due to a growing family.
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You want to have a child, yet don't feel comfortable with her having one? That doesn't seem very fair.
 
Some women are possessive with their new babies/children. Not all. I never was. My daughter (oldest) was co-parented by a group of us, including two other women, one of whom her father chose and I barely know. But we all get along as co-parents. We prioritized the children.

Don't make assumptions based upon what you are told on this board. No one here knows you three.

Maca and GG and I knew that we would co-parent the youngest child. Maca was nervous about me having GG's baby. But GG, as the father (a man who adores children, and this was his first bio-child) was not nervous at all about sharing the duties with Maca.

When SourPea started talking, she called Maca "Daddy." Other people freaked the fuck out. GG did not. He was stoked. He was thrilled that his baby recognized Maca as the father figure. He felt like it really consummated the family dynamic.

She's 6 now. She knows perfectly well what her biology is. She calls GG by a special pet name no one else uses. She still calls Maca "Daddy."

All of the children identify all three of us as parents. The three older children, who also have bio-parents out of our household, identify their bio parents as parents, as well.

In my opinion, for our dynamic, the children actually brought all of us together, not only the three of us in a poly dynamic, but all of us, including the other parents.

It is a choice how you include or do not include others in parental roles and family roles in your life.

It is possible that they will push you out. But it is just as possible that if you take the risk, you will find that all of you are bound closer together.
 
Csmarie said:
At that point in time it was discussed because she had no desire to have a child of her own.
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Kids are something people often change their mind about. Stop trying to make her feel bad about that.
 
Welcome, Csmarie. There is a ton of information on this board about raising kids in a poly situation. There are many ways to do i. It depends on the individuals involved. Do a search for "kids and poly."

You seem to be a "secondary" to your couple, and you're buying into the idea of being lesser, an interloper in "their relationship." You're not in their relationship! You're in your own individual relationship with her, with him, and with the three of you, plural, as a unit. And the same goes for them.

Don't wait to be asked again to move in. If they really wanted you to three months ago, don't they still? Tell them you feel ready now, if you do feel ready.

Do you feel like a equal to them? Or just a pet?

Do a search here on "unicorn," "secondary," "triad," and see how others handle feelings about being in a group of three. It isn't easy being the "third" a couple has "added" to their relationship to "share." No wonder you feel insecure. It's time to set some boundaries for your own safety and self-empowerment. Keep on top of what they imagine your role will be with their child. Decide what you want your role to be.

Infants are very needy. All your lives will be in service to the needs of this tiny person. There will be major changes, and nothing will ever be the same again. Same goes for you, if you get pregnant. I think it's kind of cold your couple wants you to get a sperm donor for your baby. Why not the sperm of the man you love? Why not the sperm of another male partner you might find, while still being in relationship to them? If this is a forced poly-fidelitious arrangement, where your gf has more rights than you do, examine that. Does it really serve you and satisfy you?

Also, your couple are not identical units. The woman will have different ideas than the man about things. About everything. Maybe he'd like to knock you up, but she doesn't want that.

Anyway, there's a lot to think about!
 
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london said:
Kids are something people often change their mind about. Stop trying to make her feel bad about that.
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I have never once made her feel bad about wanting to have a child. I want her to be happy. I love her with my everything I have. And if she wants a baby she should have one. All I am doing is trying to figure out what my part is in the relationship once a baby comes along.
 
Csmarie said:
All I am doing is trying to figure out what my part is in the relationship once a baby comes along.
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That is one thing you are trying to figure out. You're also trying to figure out how you feel about your own desire to be pregnant and have a kid. And whether you should move in with these people.
What if you move in and she gets pregnant, and all hormonal and needy and nauseated and you end up doing lots of housework?
What if she loses her libido and yet is jealous you and her husband have sex when she doesn't want to?
What if she struggles with her changing body, and feeling "fat," while her husband's gf remains thin and lithe?
 
Magdlyn said:
That is one thing you are trying to figure out. You're also trying to figure out how you feel about your own desire to be pregnant and have a kid. And whether you should move in with these people. What if you move in and she gets pregnant and all hormonal and needy and nauseated and you end up doing lots of housework? What if she loses her libido and yet is jealous you and her husband have sex when she doesn't want to? What if she struggles with her changing body and feeling "fat" while her husband's gf remains thin and lithe?
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But see, our relationship is different. I enjoy helping her around the house. I enjoy taking care of her and making her feel beautiful. And our relationship is not about sex at all. Sex is extremely rare, as she already has a very low libido. She's already brought up how she'll be fat and we won't want her, and she knows that she is beautiful to me, no matter what.
 
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