The cure for polphobia

primary vs secondary

An issue that has confronted me.

As I tried to make the poly ls work for me, the notion I was primary, K secondary was something I leaned on. It only made sense. We were married, spent nearly 20 years together raising our kids, struggling, working, doing what couples do to survive and be successful. How can he come come in and be an equal partner? Sorry, there is no fucking way. This ain't negotiable.

But, is my rationalization flawed??? This question digs at my heels. Is it simply self doubt, or lack of confidence? Am I just insecure, or needy?

Yeah. I am. But I would hesitate to say these are positive qualities for a poly ls.:(

Here's what prompted me to share this. A friend of mine called me tonight. She and I become friends in large part because we are both members of the meetup group in which I joined as a poly person. She is, quite clearly, the secondary in a poly V. And miserable. Listening to her made me think of K's status in our home.

..to be continued..
 
How much sweat equity has K invested into the relationship?
 
K has put plenty in the relationship, in more ways than one. Earlier in this post, someone mentioned dreading the words, "I want to talk about the relationship." That is him. Dahlia has a need to talk about it, she has this never ending curiosity to know how everything works. I know he's probably rather get a root canal, but he responds, as much as she requires.

He does a great job around the house too. Trained as a handyman, his skills such as electrical, plumbing come in darned handy. He pulls his weight.

And I think compared to when we met him, he is light years improved with regards to his happiness. He was a bachelor living alone in an apartment, now he's in this loving, but kinda crazy home. Two teen boys, huge yard, a creek runs along our property he has converted in what we call "The Princess Garden" as a getaway for the grownups.




With regards to this primary and secondary stuff, I'd like to know form those who use this how you define the difference. Cause I really don't know where the line is anymore.
 
With regards to this primary and secondary stuff, I'd like to know form those who use this how you define the difference. Cause I really don't know where the line is anymore.
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For me, a primary is someone I have both financial and emotional entanglements with, and who I plan to be with for as long as I can. :) For my husbands, this means we live together in the same house, eat dinner together, go to events as a family, have joint checking accounts, shared retirement goals, life insurance beneficiary and living will forms and basically, we have each other's backs. For my boyfriend, who aspires to be a primary but isn't yet, we have none of these things, but are talking more and more about becoming entangled. I still love him very much, but I could walk away tomorrow and the only thing that would hurt would be my heart. With my husbands, we'd have to divide accounts and fill out papers to get away from one another.
 
@ dali5671 ... do you *want* K to be considered a primary partner in your home?
 
Pol - EE -phobia I hate spelling errors.

Thanks for weighing in Bluebird, that definitely makes sense. The finances you mentioned are a tangible aspect of the relationship that ultimately don't concern K. Other money issues simple, just his rent, and now we share a cell phone plan. The more I think about it (does she loves me MORE????) it seems petty. But No! I wouldn't want him to be primary. So where does that leave us?

I am not fretting about it, that's for sure. hierarchy, primary, secondary thirdary??? I have other things to think about.

I have been reading the posts here more frequently of late, and some have resonated with me. Somebody wrote, "One person can't be EVERYTHING to another." This has stuck with me, because I think that's what's happened. As the years have gone by since we've been together, I have made my wife everything. Ignored all my friends, lost interest in the stuff I used to do, just raised the kids, worked and spent time with her. Now the kids are ready to fly the coop. Where's that leave me? Plenty of alone time for sure. But I am not so fond of the alone time. I want to do stuff, or be with someone. And in the last couple of weeks, the discussion of me having a gf has come up, and she clearly does not like it. It is slightly baffling to me, considering amount of talking we had to do to come to happy place with this poly LS. She knows I had to take a leap of faith to be cool with all of this, and I am basically cured of the Polyphobia disease I was stricken with several years ago.

But that doesn't mean I have all the answers.:confused:
 
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What about the idea of just not using hierarchical terms? Don't call anyone a "primary" or a "secondary," just let your labels be your first given names. This way K can't be a primary. He's just K.

So your wife has K. I hope she's not saying you can't have a girlfriend. That would be a double standard.
 
I have only read your most recent posts, so pardon me if I make errors in my post!

1) What would it mean to you if K was considered a "primary"? What would change? What do you feel like you would lose or gain? Could he ever put enough time/effort/commitment/sacrifice into the relationship before you would consider him a "primary"? I'm interested in how YOU define and perceive as the meaning of primary.

I don't think it's uncommon for relationships to start out using hierarchical terms and then grow to let go of those labels. Sounds like you're starting to see some of the benefits of doing so, as well as face your fears of not being your wife's only "primary." Kudos to you and all the hard, self-reflection you've done!

2) So your wife isn't okay with you dating other people. Or is struggling. Has she provided you with an explanation? I wonder if it stems from insecurity, similar to how you might feel towards the idea of K being a primary.

Know that just because you've done a lot of work on yourself to be accepting of her being poly, doesn't mean she won't have to do the SAME work on herself to accept you being poly. Work that she may have been able to avoid doing for the last few years, as it sounds like you're monogamous...?

I had dated Jack for nearly 4 years before Roger expressed interest in dating Taylor (see signature). But wow, were there growing pains on my and Roger's end. It's a whole different worldview and set of skills needed to manage the emotions that can come up with your partner dating others as opposed to you dating others. I get it. But is she willing to do the hard work? Out of the same kind of love and commitment you showed her? Are there baby steps? Making friends with women? Kissing? Creating an online profile just to see what's around?

The interesting thing is I bet you can really connect to your wife's difficulties with poly, since you've been through it yourself. This will likely give you some insight into her world, as well as help you find the patience and compassion she'll need during this time.

Just my thoughts! :)
 
kdt26417 said:
What about the idea of just not using hierarchical terms? Don't call anyone a "primary" or a "secondary," just let your labels be your first given names. This way K can't be a primary. He's just K.

So your wife has K. I hope she's not saying you can't have a girlfriend. That would be a double standard.
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That's exactly what she's saying. And it is a double standard. And I do not see it as an unpardonable offense, I totally get it.

How you define primary and secondary is really too vague. She probably spends more time with him. They have sex more than we do. But, as I mentioned earlier, K still shares any information so sparingly, he is difficult to read. And my wife has a need to know. Everything. So we share everything, and a certain closeness comes as a result of this. I can't count the number of times she has come started a conversation with me about him, and it's wound being basically "What the heck is he thinking/doing?" Uhmmm, I don't know, why don't you talk to him about it? I think that leaves her somewhat unfulfilled and frustrated.

When he moved in, I put an ad on OK., and went on a couple of dates. But it felt a little awkward and uncomfortable to me, for whatever reason. Being poly/open cuts down on your dating opportunities, that's for certain. And they didn't "date" per se. She simply had him on her radar and made it happen, like lightning fast, no wasted effort. She uses this to rationalize dating as a negative.
 
Re:
"She probably spends more time with him. They have sex more than we do."
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You're okay with this?
 
dali5671 said:
When he moved in, I put an ad on OK., and went on a couple of dates. But it felt a little awkward and uncomfortable to me, for whatever reason. Being poly/open cuts down on your dating opportunities, that's for certain. And they didn't "date" per se. She simply had him on her radar and made it happen, like lightning fast, no wasted effort. She uses this to rationalize dating as a negative.
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That's a ridiculous thing to say. Not everyone has potential partners waiting in the wings in their life. If you want to expand your social circle to meet people, you should have the freedom to do so. That being said, there is a balance to be maintained in how much time and effort you plough into that. Is she worried that your search for another lover will take time away from the pair of you? That might be a reasonable concern. But there is nothing rational about saying 'dating is negative; relationships should just happen'. Yes, it is nice when it does, but even so, I think underlyingly there also tend to be circumstances or things you can do or habits to encourage, which make the chances of meeting someone lovely in your everyday life greater or lesser. "Dating" is more than just having an online profile. Being a naturally flirtatious person, being someone who can make the first move, having a wide circle of acquaintances, having hobbies that make it easy to meet new people - these things to me could equally be construed as 'dating' behaviours - and I'll bet she used some or all of those to snap up K too.

Double standards are horrible. Don't stand for them. Support your partner through their discomfort, by all means go slow, but don't kid yourself into thinking that there won't be resentment if wanted freedoms are unequally distributed between the two of you.
 
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