The man who went up a hill and came down a mountain.

C

Candide

New member
I was going to write this thread a couple of months ago, but life got in the way of the internet. I am now waiting for my wort to chill, so I figured this would be as good a time as any to craft my tale.

For my birthday I went on a journey. A part self discovery as well as part going to visit an old love. It was one of those trips that halfway through your visit at your destination it shattered a lot of what you knew as convention.

I have never been in a poly relationship before, so this part is new as is this is also my first relationship where I am involved with another man. Needless to say there is a lot going on. In fact it is so much for me to process I am not exactly sure how to put this all down, but I will try. I will refer to my female love interest from here on in as FLI, and my male love interest as MLI.

FLI and MLI are married to each other. I just thought I should get that out of the way.

When I first saw my FLI at the door of her abode I had felt like no time had passed from the last time I say her. She is still as beautiful to me as the day I first met her. Her smile, her eyes, the wiggle in her walk. I hugged her tight and almost cried. I might have shed a couple of tears, but not the major water works I had expected. I hugged her, and that was pretty much all because before this I was stuck in the non poly way of thinking, and had pre established boundries in my head as to what is aceptiable and unaceptiable behaviour tword another man's wife.

Shortly after my reunification with a part of my soul I was introduced to her husband. At first I felt awkward. I didn't know exactly how things were going to play out, but I said to myself, "Keep an open mind, and don't force anything just let whatever happens happen."

We pretty much just hung, out talked, went out to a movie together, got drunk together. Basically we all had a good time, and I never knew that I could click so well with another man before. Needless to say we got along very well. While we were all drunk the only thing that happened was we got some good quality snuggles in and all just slept together. It was very nice :).

Needless to say while I was sober I decided to just let whatever happen happen, and to put it into words would not be to do it justice. I will say this though it was very tough for me to leave and head back to my real world which was a 7.5 hour drive. However hard it was to leave I still felt great because I have started to develop something that feels amazing.

We are about a month and a half in, and I have been learning a lot about my MLI. We are very similar, but by no means are we the same. The only thing that is the same between the two of us is the massive amount of love that we both cary for FLI.

Both MLI and I are developing feelings for one another that are more than just like. I guess the benefit of the LDR thing is that it forces us to communicate, and really get a sense of who we are in the relationship. Lets face it sex is a crutch, granted a really fun crutch, but it is a crutch none the less.

Although there is one downside to this all that I have come across. It comes when I hear that my MLI and FLI are having a fight. It sucks, and I have told both of them I believe that they have to workout whatever it is between each other between them. I will listen, but because my feelings are stronger for one more than the other I need to remain neutral. They both see the wisdom in this, but I still find it hard to not want to offer advice.

I think I am onto something that will be more amazing than not.

My FLI wants to make this a MMFF Poly exclusive relationship where everyone involved is involved with everyone, but it takes time to build each leg with the right people. So right now as it stands we are a MFM with her a the lynchpin. We are hoping to evolve into a relationship where we don't need the lynchpin.

I think this is enough out of me today. I will add more as more enters my mind, and as this relationship develops.
 
Sounds like it is going pretty well so far. You are ambitious to set out to turn a lynchpin-MFM into a no-lynchpin-MMFF! You'll have to find the right woman first, and she'll have to be romantically into all three of you. While I don't presume to say it's impossible, I do suppose that it could take awhile (to find this person). So, in the meantime learn all you can about how poly works. I imagine part of your plans will involve MLI and FLI moving closer to you. Lots of plans to consider!

Thanks for your update,
Kevin T.
 
It is going well. I will admit that having a LDR is tougher on me than I originally thought it would be. However the phone, texts, mail, and skype help a bit.
 
Yeah, I think just about any LDR is a hard thing to cope with. Hopefully you guys will all be living closer together soon, eh?
 
So much that goes on here is filled with negatives. This is understandable... most people don't come a-callin' until they need to ask advice for some poly-influenced catastrophe going on it their lives.

That makes it even more nice to read stories with good endings :)

Good luck on turning your triad into a quad. If everyone is happy then the more, the merrier.
 
I wouldn't say there is a happy ending just yet. Still a lot of learning about who we all are together, and how our dynamic will be. For now the relationship is full of excited energy because I am only able to visit once a month. The real test will be when they move here, and we are living together. That is when you truly learn about the people you are with. Learn their bad habits, see what you can bear. At least with a poly relationship you aren't alone with dealing with the bad habits or weaknesses of the other people you are in a relationship with. It seems that for every strength there is a weakness and for every weakness there is a strength you just need to be in the right frame of mind to make sure you can always look at the strengths.

One thing I have been learning is that for every one poly means something a little bit different. Which I suppose is normal because after all we are all unique. Just like our relationships :)
 
You have a good perspective on things; continue to learn, grow, and interact with your fellow sitemembers here and you will find out how to do poly successfully. Lots and lots of communication is always the first step. :)
 
Good point. In that way the LDR prods you into preparing yourselves for the future time when you do all start living together.
 
I know this is a little necro, but I decided to add a little more to this thread than to start another one.

Well it would seem that things are progressing in a positive way. My love interests and I have been apartment hunting. It is crazy how close it is to not have to spend a lot of time or money to be together with one another.

This weekend however with all the good that's going on I caught some sort of a feeling. Basically it has to deal with hanging out and dealing with non poly people. We spent a bit of time this weekend hanging out with some of my female love interests friends. They all know that she is married to my male love interest, but in all reality the only people who know we are in a poly relationship is the three of us. Another thing that happened this weekend was the recounting of the story of how they got married. It occurred to me that they got married less than a month after she and I had broken up initially. I know it shouldn't bother me because I still get to bask in her and his love. It was kind of tough to be one way behind closed doors, and then another way in public.

I guess you could say that I have the green eyed beast of jealousy perched on my shoulder whispering into my ear.

What is the best way to open the dialogue about this feeling that I'm sure we have all had at one time or another?
 
What are you jealous about specifically? That she married him so soon after breaking up with you? That he's able to openly be her husband in public but you have to pretend to be "just a friend"?

I would advise knowing what your emotions are specifically related to before you try bringing it up, because otherwise the discussion has the potential to sound like an accusation, or to get off-track from accomplishing what you actually need.

Once you've identified what is causing your jealousy, I would suggest sitting down with FLI and MLI and saying something like, "This isn't a problem I need solved, but I'd like to get it out in the open. I'm feeling a little jealous about ____. It isn't anything you're doing; it's just how I'm feeling. But it would help me to have some reassurance that even though we can't be public about our situation, I'm important to you and you're happy with this relationship."

From reading last spring's bit of the thread, I would say you three have a great communication bond, so I think they would be open to hearing how you feel and helping you find a way to lessen or cope with that emotion.
 
Welcome back!

Odd they got married only one month after you and she broke up! Met, fell in love, married, or was she dating both of you poly fashion back then? How long ago was that?

I sure hope the living together goes OK.

You're just getting used to being the "dirty little secret" lover now, hm? Any need to be in the closet with your closest friends, or can you tell some of them? Especially since you're going to all be living together shortly! Any family you'd also be able to come out to? Colleagues? Are you in a conservative area or more progressive?

The coming out question has of course been addressed here and on other websites and books about poly ad infinitum. Do a tag search here or go look at morethantwo.com

Jealousy... I tend to it myself. Some people don't get jealous as easily. The things that have helped me are good boundaries, trust, expectations. Re-address all of this frequently to make sure all are on the same page. The first couple years of a poly relationship are hardest. Giddy and sexy but also lots of work to find balance and a good feeling of being comfortably in control of what is going on.
 
To be honest with the how got married I feel like it would have been better if she was more honest with me about the wedding. I had asked her about it previously and her reply was along the lines of it wasn't a big deal. However by the way he tells the story to him it was a big deal. They had known eachother a long time before she even meet me, but he was globe trottin.

I think if I had known how it went down I would have had mute time to think it over and deal with it rather than having to hear about it for the first time several times this last weekend.

I also think that it reflects one of my biggest regrets in my relationship with her. I know I should forget about my regret, because I was welcomed back into her life with the added bonus of more love. Just sometimes that is hard to see.

I think the thing that is getting to me more though is the fact that when we are in public with her old friends I have to be, "Just a friend." I have told a couple of friends about my relationship, but no one in my family knows. I feel like my family would be more accepting of me saying I'm gay rather than me saying I'm poly. I know they both care for me deeply, and this is irrational; however since when is love rational?

Perhaps this is also my sleep deprivation getting the best of me.
 
Hi Candide,

There are two choices I can think of here:

  • out yourself to the world, so that you don't have to hide, or
  • get used to pretending like you are "just a friend."
You may think, "Oh I could never get used to it," but you might be surprised. Nonetheless, you, MLI, and FLI need to sit down and discuss the important question of whether you're going to out yourselves to the world. Some polys do it; other polys don't.

Magdlyn and KC43 gave good advice too.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I broached the subject the other day with my people, and they were glad that I was able to tell them about my feelings. We discussed it for a little while, and while I feel better about it we really didn't come up with any real solution.

We will work it out eventually. I am just glad I was able to get it out of my head.
 
Yeah, it sucks when you have to bottle it in. Glad you guys were able to have hopefully the first of many discussions about it.
 
Let's face it when you bottle up stuff it just fester, and then it could tear apart the relationship. After all this written, and everything we have been through I want this to work out.
 
Ever consider that moving in after only reconnecting with her recently might be a bit premature? Maybe you could move quite nearby and reintroduce yourself to exgf and get to know her husband, with a little space for everyone to have me-time in between hanging out?

Just a pet peeve of mine, people moving in together too soon. Act in haste, regret in leisure.
 
Maybe I miss communicated something. We have been exclusive with eachother for about 9 months now. They just moved local to me. While the ultimate goal may be for me to move in that's not going to happen for a while.
 
Yes, you've been "exclusive," but 7.5 hours drive apart. So not really spending much face time until now.

When you said "we" have been apartment hunting, I thought you meant all 3 of you were looking for a place to share. But you mean, they have found an apartment near you. OK.

Also I think I am mixing you up with another male poster who has just moved in, or is about to move in, with a MF couple and is chafing at not being "out."
 
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