The Needy Partner: Illness and Polyamory

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koifish

New member
Hello All,

I became involved in a triad a few months ago and I find myself deeply or vaguely unhappy much of the time, but not all of the time. Sometimes it is very nice.

My fiance Heath and I had long talked about how nice it would be for us to find a girlfriend. I am bi, he is straight. So, by some miracle, we meet a woman, Lucy, who would actually really like to date a couple. She is very nice, kind, interesting. We both find her very cute. And she thinks we're cute too. So it sounds good all around. :)

However, I have an illness that leaves me feeling pretty crummy a lot of the time. Though I fake it to the best of my ability, I never really feel normal. Before Lucy came along, Heath and I had our own rhythms and patterns of doing things, a lot of which were based on my ups and downs. My lovely dear fiance would settle in with me and watch movies and shows and rub my back and cuddle on the nights (and there are too many) when I don't feel able to do anything else.

Enter the new girlfriend. Through no one's fault, from the beginning she has stayed at our house most nights during the week. She sleeps in the bed with my Heath, while I sleep in a different room, because I am a very light sleeper. I will go to bed earlier than them often because I don't have the energy to stay up as late. I wake up the next morning to find them very tired from fooling around/having sex until late. I'll see scratch marks I didn't make on Heath. I actually really don't like to hear that they've been having sex without me. I know this pricks up all of your poly ears out there as something I should work on not feeling. Maybe. It's so much worse when I don't feel good. I just feel so left out... so left out.

When it was just Heath and me, I was, by definition, on the inside. I'm not jealous of Lucy. I'm just left out. Sad. Maybe jealous of the situation rather than the people.

When I'm sick, I am not having sex with them and they are having sex with each other. A lot of the time Heath would have formerly spent kinda shootin' the shit with me, and comforting me, he now spends with Lucy in the next room.

Being sick, my sex drive is sort of inconsistent. I feel inadequate sometimes, like I'm on the outside of my sex life with Heath, rather than on the inside, in part because Lucy is inclined towards sex more often than me. I feel left out of sexual intimacies and also left out of other intimacies like sleeping closely and waking up together.

I feel like what used to be mine is not anymore. I feel overwhelmed a lot. I keep waiting for me to feel as close to Lucy as Heath does. I feel like that might even things out. She is very lovely in so many ways. I would like things to be working well between all of us. I don't think Heath would leave me for her, but he said it would break his heart to have to break things off with her. I don't want to hurt her at all. I really like her. But I am often unhappy, sometimes miserable.

Words of wisdom?
 
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It sounds to me like you need to set boundaries about how often she stays over. Perhaps if he were only with her on designated days, for which you would be prepared, it would be more manageable and you could better handle them being intimate without you. It sounds like she comes over whenever she wants. You need his attention, too. His involvement with her should not be at your expense. Some honest talking should help. You both should look at what it is that he and Lucy are doing, as well as what it is that you need to work on internally, that has you feeling left out. I think you need to speak up, first to him, and then with both of them.
 
I've told him before that I can't handle them having that much time together, but I think he doesn't want to upset her or make her feel unwelcome by arranging for her to be with us fewer days in the week.

But I'll talk to him again. That is one of the major issues.

What is the deal in most triads? Heath and I ostensibly went into this as a couple. That's not how it's functioning right now. When Lucy is here, I feel like they are the couple, which is very jarring. I want to be nice and not spoil anyone's fun, but in this situation, when does my discomfort, or what I want as far as their behavior, trump what they want to do?
 
I'm sorry to hear about your health issues. I hope you get that behind you, ASAP!

In trying to offer up some support, I guess I can only say, or fall back on, some of the old clichés, like "It's a team effort," and "Communication is key."

Your illness puts you in a hard position. The trick is to let everyone know how you feel without "playing the needy card." I think you get that. But there's not a thing wrong with explaining that because of the situation you are feeling left out sometimes. Part of that remains your responsibility, but team play also gives some of that responsibility to them. Until you get better, you can't ask or expect everything to flow the way it would ideally. More incentive to get better ASAP, right?

One thing that you might toss out there and try is being part of their sex play sometimes without being physically involved. It really can bring everyone closer if you just sit back and watch and share in the energy being exchanged. That can also help you build skills for dealing with envy, which is what you seem to be struggling with, which is different than jealousy. Think of it like going bowling with them when you are too weak to play yourself. Just be with them and share their excitement and happiness. It works.

I'm sure deep down they feel uncomfortable with the way things are too, but don't know how to express it.

And let's face it, horny is horny. Often it overrides everything else, like it or not.

It would also help if they understood that you would really cherish some intimate, but not sexual, time with them. Just hanging out, cuddling, watching a movie, things you can be part of that aren't so taxing.

You guys can all have a great, warm relationship as long as you just try to be considerate of each other and talk openly about how you are feeling. Go for it. And I hope you feel better soon!
 
Thanks for the reply, GroundedSpirit.

I am not very old, but I've actually been sick for about 20 years. I am undergoing a new treatment right now, but nothing is for certain. So getting better "ASAP," and changing the dynamic that way, may or may not be in the cards.

I have lain next to them while they are having sex before. It can be fun and sort of more attuned to my current capacities than being totally involved.

I guess I feel so snowed under right now by her being here for several days in a row, and by my not feeling too hot, and also by just feeling hurt about the sex going on in the next room, that I don't feel like participating at all.

I feel all too often when we cuddle up that at some point it's going to turn to sexy stuff, and I'm going to feel on the outside again.

Aye. I'm feeling sorry for myself. :(

I really do need a good block of time with just me and the boy.
 
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P.S. I seriously wondered whether it was a smart idea to enter into a relationship with Lucy, when it first began. A triad had always been this little dream we had. For me, it took place in this mythical future, where I was healthy. But Lucy seemed to fit with us so nicely, and I knew that it was what the boy wanted. And I'm crazy about the boy. And he thought it would be good for us. So we tried it and now we're in fairly deep. And for me it's... yikes.
 
Its sounds to me like Heath needs to make some time for you, and there is nothing wrong with asking him to do so. Maybe he doesn't want to hurt Lucy's feelings, but yours are just as important. Make your needs known as calmly and kindly as possible.
 
From what I've read, you're feeling left out, and you feel that you aren't being heard, and that Heath is putting Lucy's feelings, and his feelings for her, before you and your needs.

It would seem that they think that since you're not available, it would be reasonable for them to spend time together.

They are likely stuck in the throes of NRE and see what they're doing as completely reasonable, and you as being unreasonable, irrational and perhaps controlling.

All the while, you simply need something from Heath that he used to give you, but is no longer giving you.

You want to be nice. You want to make everyone happy. So you acquiesce, even if you feel like you are being left out, left behind.

You need to clearly lay out what you want, what you need and how you feel. It may do no good. They may be so lost in each other that they can't see, despite you clearly laying it out, how you hurt. But you need to try. Hopefully they will hear you.

((HUGS))

Keep trying to communicate with them. I hope they get it sooner rather than later.
 
Welcome to the forums. As a husband with a "sick" wife, I might have a unique perspective, one that will hopefully shed some light on Heath's thoughts. I have no idea how long or what, but I am sure the effect would be similar.

koifish said:
Heath and I had long talked about how nice it would be for us to find a girlfriend. I am bi, he is straight. So, by some miracle, we meet a woman who would actually really like to date a couple. Lucy is very nice, kind, interesting, cute. And she thinks we're cute too, so it sounds good all around.
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Congrats, seriously. You have a working triad, just some hiccups.

However, I have an illness that leaves me feeling pretty crummy a lot of the time. Though I fake it to the best of my ability, I never really feel normal. Heath and I, before Lucy came along, had our own rhythms and patterns of doing things, a lot of which were based on my ups and downs. My lovely dear fiance would settle in with me and watch movies and shows and rub my back and cuddle on the nights (and there are too many) when I don't feel able to do anything else.
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To look at this from his perspective, I want to ask, were those rhythms and patterns satisfying to him?

My wife is OCD, at her ... pique, she needs everything regimented and patterned. The problem is that begins to affect everyone around you. It is very difficult for those outside of the OCD circle to live within a pattern. We all do it, but there comes a need for ... separation.

At one point, I was just asking for some degree of normalcy. I know this appears unfair, as she was suffering. However it was really affecting me. I needed that break.

Enter the new girlfriend. Through no one's fault, from the beginning she has stayed at our house most nights during the week.
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No reason this can't be limited. They sound like they are more in the throes of NRE than you and she are. It would be polite to limit this to a reasonable amount.

She sleeps in the bed with him, while I sleep in a different room because I am a very light sleeper. I will go to bed earlier than them often because I don't have the energy to stay up as late. I wake up the next morning to find them very tired from having sex until late. I'll see scratch marks I didn't make on his body. I actually really don't like to hear that they've been having sex without me. I know this pricks up all of your poly ears out there as something I should work on not feeling. Maybe. It's so much worse when I don't feel good. I just feel so left out.
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If this is a triad, why don't you and Lucy make an effort to have girls' time? This is four relationships. You have both Heath and Lucy to be with. Do you try and make time that way? Might help quell the feeling of not being included.

The not being included in their sex part is something I will commend you on. So many triads walk into a site like this and require all sides to be sexually active at all times. You are past that. Now it's just time to try and figure out how to manage time so you feel included. Since you aren't as inclined sexually, why not make non-sexual time between the three of you?

When I'm sick, I am not having sex with them and they are having sex with each other. A lot of the time Heath would have formerly spent kinda shootin' the shit and comforting me, he now spends with our new girlfriend in the next room.
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This spikes a bit of dependency. Why don't you have others to shoot the shit with, people to hang out with or have come over? It does sound like he is reveling in his NRE, and spending time in excess with Lucy, but you might as well nip this in the bud now.

Being sick, my sex drive is sort of inconsistent. I feel inadequate sometimes. Like I'm on the outside of my sex life with Heath, rather than on the inside, in part because Lucy is inclined towards sex more often than me. I feel left out of sexual intimacies, and also left out of other intimacies like sleeping closely and waking up together.
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Take out the sickness, and only talk about sex drive, and you are experiencing the same sexual challenges every triad or quad has. This is common. Sex drives in people are just different. It's how it happens, and everyone has to figure it out.

I feel like what used to be mine is not anymore. I feel overwhelmed a lot. I keep waiting to feel as close to Lucy as Heath does.
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Stop waiting. DO!!! Ask her out. She is your gf too right? All triads are 4 relationships:

a+b
b+c
a+c
a+b+c

I hope you can figure out how to make yourself more included.
 
What Ariakis said. We're all saying communicate your feelings and desires as support for you. That's the key. I commend you for working through this so well. Just ask for what you want and all of you can figure how you'll keep each other happy. I wish you the best and hope you're feeling better in the future. And I wish you all the best in your tribe.
 
Speak up! Tell both of them what you are feeling and what you need.

*Warning, stereotypical generalization* Men like problems they can fix. What you are feeling can be fixed, but not by yourself. Present it as a problem that they can help fix. Make it a group effort.

Keep reading here, there is so much wonderful information.
 
koifish said:
I am not very old, but I've actually been sick for about 20 years. I am undergoing a new treatment right now, but nothing is for certain. So getting better soon, and changing the dynamic that way, may or may not be in the cards.
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Damn, Koifish, I'm sorry to hear that. They say we all have our own burdens to carry, and it seems this is yours. Your spirit seems pretty good, all things considered , so I'd keep focused on seeing that that doesn't change. We all wish for the world to be other than it is, but it won't be. What we do have control over is our attitude and outlook. That probably sounds cliché, I know... But our attitude has so much to do with healing and our quality of life in general.
What would make you happy, within your capacity?
How can they help you achieve this, as a pair and as individuals?

koifish said:
I guess I feel so snowed under right now by her being here for several days in a row, and by my not feeling too hot, and also by just feeling hurt about the sex going on in the next room, that I don't feel like participating at all.
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I think a little common courtesy could go a long way here. Whenever you have a guest, no matter how close you are, you feel some obligation to entertain, or at least take part in interactions. I think someone (hint hint) needs to remind Lucy that you are low on energy, and probably a bit short on patience because of it. How about we give you a break here? Or even better, focus some energy on you that would brighten your day a bit? Even if it's just a day in bed being waited on. ❤️ :)

That being said, it means you can't become a burden by expecting this too much, too often, either.
koifish said:
I feel all too often when we cuddle up that at some point it's going to turn to sexy stuff, and I'm going to feel on the outside again.
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I think this is just a simple thing that needs to be verbalized. Cuddle time, unless you indicate otherwise, needs to be understood to be exactly that. It's a time balancing thing, no different than we all have to do regarding other things. Block it out and understand what its purpose is and why it's important. Really easy stuff.
koifish said:
I really do need a good block of time with just me and the boy.
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As someone else noted, I think it would be great if you could block out time for all four relationships (see Ari's diagram A+B+C). You'll have different things in common there, and it could add some variety to life and take your mind off your health concerns. That's healing in itself.

I guess what this boils down to is an emphasis that poly relationships are not all about the sex, anymore than life is all about sex. But because sex is such a primary drive in most people, it steps up and tries to take center stage all the time. Kick it to the curb! Keep it in its proper, healthy place and give equal billing to all the other aspects of life. Before you know it, things will be better. You won't really understand how you got there, until much later.

Keep smiling. Keep loving.
 
I am the person in our relationship with the chronic illness. It is difficult place to be in. I have other outlets then my partner. For me, I have feelings of fear that I am not enough and am going to be left behind for the healthy person.

I have spoken about this and gotten reassurance in this regard.

I think the key here is communication. Communicate your fears and feelings to Heath and Lucy.

I feel a great amount of empathy for you.

Hugs,
Leigh
 
Illness or not, you aren't getting your needs met. You need to make sure they know that. Please realize that with most triads there often comes a time when they break into Vs, and one person feels left out and neglected, either until you sort it out by talking about boundaries, or one person leaves.

I think Lucy needs to understand that before she came along it was you and Heath shooting the shit while you laid in bed. Why can't they do that with you, for one thing?

Besides that, if she knew this bit of information, perhaps she would be kind enough to go off and do her own thing, to allow you and Heath to have your time, like you used to. Also, Heath could go off and do his own thing, so you and Lucy could have time together.

Maybe he could make you dinner in bed or something and treat you both.

It sounds like there needs to be a bit of a coming together around boundaries and needs on this. Start talking about the hard stuff. You have nothing to lose and tons to gain. Make yourself vulnerable about your feelings and sadness.
 
Thinking about breaking up with our girlfriend

I want to thank everyone again who responded to my post about being in a polyamorous relationship while having an illness.

Here is an update on my sitch. I am in a triad with my fiance Heath, and another woman, Lucy. I am unhappy and stressed much of the time.

I straight-up need Heath sometimes. I'm sick and it's not always predictable when I will need him. Even if we invited Lucy over earlier in the day, I find it very distressing for him to be goofing off, baby talking, cavorting with her in front of me, when I feel really compelled to be quiet with just him, like we used to do before we had a girlfriend. I need this. When it was just him and me, he used to just come to me when I was feeling bad, without my asking. I have no idea how to deal with this if we've asked her over earlier in the day. I don't feel like I can ask her to leave.

Having a third person is all around stressful for my relationship with Heath, and this makes me feel less stable and happy. He gets unhappy about my unhappiness. I get less fun and feel more emotionally distant. He wants me to get happier, and I'd like to explore that (who doesn't want to be happier?), but his very strong suggestion that I "become happier" feel like a burden. This in turn makes me more unhappy and stressed out.

To put my emotional responses in perspective, I am actually very sick, and so am much more susceptible to stress and feeling emotionally exhausted than the average person. I just wish it weren't so.

Since we began dating Lucy, Heath has started drinking to the point of getting drunk when no one else is drinking, and then arguing with me. He is tender and solicitous with her in a way he hasn't been with me in a while. He loves her. He is sweet and goofy with her. Meanwhile, he is often unhappy with me.

He would not quit smoking for me, but he set a date for her. He is a wonderful artist, and I have been encouraging him to start painting again for some time, but he only started making up some new canvases when she suggested it. I'm wondering where I am in all this.

I depend on him. But that's the way it is with most committed relationships. We all fall on difficult times at some point and depend on the one or one(s) we love. I do things for him too.

I care for this woman we're dating. I feel affectionate and protective of her, and I would miss her a lot, but I also feel like my primary relationship is in danger. So I'm thinking about breaking up.

I don't know if I have the capacity to deal with polyamory right now. So many things about it make me unhappy, and I don't know if I currently possess the emotional energy to deal with it.

Advice?

koifish
 
koifish said:
I straight up need him sometimes. I'm sick and it's not always predictable when I will need him. Even if we invited Lucy over earlier in the day, I find it very distressing for him to be goofing off, baby talking, cavorting with her in front of me when I feel really compelled to be quiet with just him, like we used to do before we had a girlfriend. I need this. When it was just him and me, he used to just come to me when I was feeling bad, without my asking. I have no idea how to deal with this if we've asked her over earlier in the day. I don't feel like I can ask her to leave.
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It's important to realize everyone has needs. It sounds like he enjoys doing those things with her, maybe it's because he hasn't been able to enjoy it with you for a while, due to your sickness?

It's a hard thing with a triad, balancing the needs of all three people. But you should be getting both of their time in reasonably equal parts. If they can't/won't give that to you, then you're not really in a triad.

As for getting rid of Lucy, that may be easier said than done, if she is fulfilling needs Heath has that you cannot.
 
I remember your situation from your previous thread. I just went back and reread it.

Did you ever talk to them both about your needs? You had felt that Lucy was spending too much time staying over, but that Heath felt weird asking her to come over less often. Something had to be resolved there.

Also, they were always doing things without you and you felt left out. What did you do to include yourself?

There was also the issue of non-sexual quality time spent between all of you: you and him, you and her, all three, etc. Were any efforts made in that regard?

From your update, it sounds like nothing has changed for the better. So I am wondering if you have not stood up for yourself and communicated with both of them. It sounds like you held back and just let them ride rough-shod all over you.

Does breaking up seem easier for you to handle than expressing your needs and speaking up?
 
I have thought about this too, that he's getting something he's been missing with me. I don't know how we have a situation where he gets what he's been missing, and I get his exclusive company when I need it. How would it work? I get sick randomly. We spend about five nights a week with our girlfriend. There's a high probability that when I get randomly ill, we'll be all be together, I will get sick and fall away from the pack, then they will be together as a pair, when what I really crave is him alone with me.

When I read over my post, I don't really think I conveyed what it is to have Heath there when I'm feeling gross. It is the only thing on the planet that I find comforting, and because I feel so bad, my need for his company in this way rises past the level of a want and becomes a need. It's a big problem to a) not have that and b) watch him give it to someone else.

I'm missing out on a huge need for me, and it stresses me out.
 
koifish said:
I will get sick and fall away from the pack, then they will be together as a pair, when what I really crave is him alone with me.

When I read over my post, I don't really think I convey what it is to have Heath there when I'm feeling gross. It is the only thing on the planet that I find comforting and because I feel so bad, my need for his company in this way rises past the level of a want and becomes a need.
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Never mind about conveying this to us here -- have you told HIM???? This is something he should know. And if he does know, and still refuses to tend to your needs, perhaps it is time to break up.
 
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