The new stepparent in a surprise poly dynamic

[Pixie83]

This is a wild story and I’m struggling to be okay. Please be genuine, but gentle.

I have been with my fiancé for four years now. We have known each other for much longer. Two years ago, we had talked about moving in together, but didn’t want to rent anymore. His “ex” wife wanted to stop renting too, so he devised a plan that she would buy a place a few provinces away and we would live there for six months, and build a house on the property.

Fast forward-- we move and I am getting annoyed by how clingy she is. Something just seems off. I finally call them out and it turns out they have been together the whole time. We have been “making it work” the whole time since, but I feel like I’m the outsider still.

They have two awesome kids that I love, and we coparent fairly well, most of the time. I have slightly different views on how children should be raised, but nothing insurmountable.

But I can’t help wanting to have my own life with him. I’ve never been married, never had kids, both of which I’ve wanted forever. He asked me to marry him, but then, without discussing it with me, decided he didn’t want to get divorced, and that ours would be a ceremonial wedding.

I don’t mean to be nitpicking, but I also just hate living with an OCD tidy person, and I hate how she has the same conversation over and over again, in a very indirect way. “Do we think we need to light the fire?“ is code for, "I don’t want to waste wood, even though the house is freezing." Bah, I’m on a tangent.

I’ve been trying be okay with everything for a year now, but I can’t seem to be okay.

I guess I'm asking for advice about how to be okay with being disappointed in how things are going. We aren’t building a house yet. He’s now said five years. I don’t feel like the place I live is my home. I just want to be okay.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Pixie83,

You seem to want to be okay about a situation that, frankly, isn't okay. You seem to have a gut instinct for the fact that you're being treated poorly. You are trying to bury this instinct, but the right answer might be to stand up for yourself and insist that they start treating you right. Your fiancé asked you to marry him but then, without discussing it with you, decided he didn't want to get divorced. Honestly he isn't even your fiancé anymore, I know he said there would be a ceremonial wedding, but I have a feeling that's not the same thing for you. He said you'd build a house on the property, but now he says five years. Meantime, she is clingy and OCD, beats around the bush rather than outright stating her unreasonable opinions, and made you feel like the place where you live isn't your home. None of this is okay. I don't think you should feel okay about it.

You are a good person who deserves to be treated fairly. You have valid needs, and deserve to have them met. I think you want to be okay, but more to the point I think you want to be okay with an okay situation. How to be okay? Sit down with your "fiancé" and his wife, explain to them that they are treating you unfairly, and lay down some basic rules that they must follow. Inform them of some basic boundaries that you are going to have, and of what will be the consequences if they violate those boundaries. Don't let them use you as a doormat. You are a good person, and you have a right to occupy the space you occupy in this world. Consider breaking up with your fiancé if he continues to act like this. There are people out there who will treat you right. Be open to finding those people. I don't mean to be harsh, I hope I haven't come across that way. I just think you are being treated unfairly.

Sympathy and regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Pixie83]

I appreciate your input. I honestly do.

I can’t imagine trying to find another who understands me. I’m a 40 year old little who wants children. I’ve never found someone who wants to be with a little the way he does.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry this happened.

I struggle with no names, so I'm going with generic ones. You are "Pixie." Your boyfriend, the hinge, is "Red." His wife is "Blue."

Red led you to believe he and Blue were broken up and on the way to divorcing, that she was his soon to be ex-wife. But in reality, it turns out they'd never broken up and were together all this time. You didn't learn of this until you moved into her home several provinces away. You are basically isolated from your normal community and having to rebuild that. The only people you knew were Red and Blue, at first? That's... hard to take in and a little alarming. I'd be in shock.

They have two awesome kids that I love, and we coparent fairly well most of the time. I have slightly different views on how children should be raised, but nothing insurmountable.

They are not actually your children. You will not marry Red and become their stepparent either, not if he's still married to Blue. In your shoes, I'd be kind to the children, but step back from the coparenting stuff. Do not lift a finger. Just be a "plain roomie" and not like a "coparent." Red and Blue can deal with their kids themselves.

Do NOT sink any of your money into raising the kids or building a home on this property, especially not without contracts with your name on all the things.

Trust sounds majorly broken here.

I can’t help wanting my own life with him. I’ve never been married, never had kids, both of which I’ve wanted forever..

I don't think you will have a legal marriage with Red. He's not even divorced yet.

Definitely don't have children by him. Right now you can walk away from him and Blue, and never have to talk to them again. This is complex enough without adding more kids.

He asked me to marry him, but then, without discussing it with me, decided he didn’t want to get divorced, and that ours would be a ceremonial wedding.

This is a bait and switch. He promised you a legal wedding and then, without telling you, took the offer off the table. While there's nothing wrong with commitment ceremonies, LEGALLY, you wouldn't have a leg to stand on.

I don’t mean to be nitpicking either, but I also just hate living with a OCD tidy person. I hate how she has the same conversation over and over again in a very indirect way. “Do we think we need to light the fire?“ is code for "I don’t want to waste wood, even though the house is freezing." Bah, I’m on a tangent.

I agree it's a tangent to the core issue of Red lying to you all this time and pulling a bait and switch.

Is there any way you could visit a friend, or go to a hotel for a weekend away from all this, just so you can think and reflect? Can you move out to a flat of your own, so you won't have to deal with all this, and have some time to think and reflect? For me, this would be a dealbreaker. I would at least want a trial separation, to see if he would actually deliver on that divorce, or what.

It sounds like you signed up for one deal, but you aren't gonna get that deal now, because it was never a bona fide offer in the first place. Again, I'm sorry this happened. But it's better you learned about this now, rather than later. In your shoes, I'd just walk away. That kind of betrayal of trust is deep.

I’m a 40 year old little who wants children. I’ve never found someone who wants to be with a little the way he does.

He's your dom too? That doesn't mean you need to stay, if he's been lying to you. To me, it means he's messed up the kink dynamic too, and not just the engagement/romantic-relationship part.

It is okay if you don't want to be with a dom who lies and does bait-and-switch things to you. There ARE other people who could share that kink dynamic with you, and possibly want kids with you. Alternately, you could have kids on your own.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Pixie83,

You might want to look into FetLife, if you haven't already done so. FetLife has quite a number of people who want to be with a little, you might be surprised. But, I can understand if leaving your fiancé does not feel like an option to you. I just feel really bad for you, you are in an awful situation.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[MeeraReed]

I've been catching up on the forum and just read this now...

Pixie, this isn't okay. You sound like a very kind and thoughtful person. You deserve better than this. He was severely and deliberately lying to you, pretending to be exes with his wife when they were still together. Was his wife in on the lie, too?

He deliberately tricked you into moving in with both him and his wife (and their kids!), far away on his wife's property, with the false promise that you and he will build a house together on the land, but the house-building hasn't started yet and now he says it will be five years from now?

He offered you legal marriage and then said never mind, he's staying legally married to his wife.

And he's your daddy/Dom in a pretty serious kink dynamic.

I am sorry. I know you love him a lot. But he doesn't sound all that great. Actually, he sounds terrible and manipulative.

Do you have somewhere else to go if you need to leave? Do you have a job, financial resources of your own, etc.?

It sounds like the house where you live with this couple might be kind of isolated. Lots of land, wood needed to heat the house... Do you have transportation to go somewhere else to get some space from them?

I understand that his wife's communication style is annoying. My mom is super-indirect like that too, "Do you think we need to do X?" means she doesn't want to do X, but isn't just going to say so. SUPER annoying.

But there is a future for you, where you don't have to live with his annoying wife. Yes, it means leaving him... I am sure you can find a better kink dom than this lying married dude.

 

[Inaniel]

I guess I'm asking for advice about how to be okay with being disappointed in how things are going. We aren’t building a house yet. He’s now said five years. I don’t feel like the place I live is my home. I just want to be okay.

You are allowed to not to be okay with this. The level of disrespect and manipulation described here is extreme. Do you have friends or family you can stay with, even temporarily, so that you can evaluate what has been happening to you?